I moved out. I feel so sad now.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I know I'm doing the right thing for myself but it's so painful right now.  There were many positives In our relationship I will miss, many nice things in our lifestyle, our nice house, etc.

I won't miss the emotional abuse or the constant giving and never receiving.  But that isn't making this any easier.  It's going to take a lot of time to adjust after being with her for over 10 years.  The gremlin on my shoulder whispers that look what I am giving up, but that life was unsustainable.

Man, this hurts.

[adventurer]

I know I'm doing the right thing for myself but it's so painful right now.  There were many positives In our relationship I will miss, many nice things in our lifestyle, our nice house, etc.

I won't miss the emotional abuse or the constant giving and never receiving.  But that isn't making this any easier.  It's going to take a lot of time to adjust after being with her for over 10 years.  The gremlin on my shoulder whispers that look what I am giving up, but that life was unsustainable.

Man, this hurts.

[Mutt]

Hi adventurer,

10 years is a long history. I can see how this stretch can be difficult. Leaving is not an easy decision to make. It can be a scary and anxious proposition of being alone when we're in the relationship, it takes a lot of courage to leave. We'll find that these fears are empty ones when they're challenged and you'll find that you this space to heal and it's rewarding. Hang in there.

[adventurer]

Thanks, Mutt.

I'm in the waiting room right now to talk to a doctor - I thought I could handle this better but I've been anxiety filled and not sleeping for 2-3 days. Maybe they will give me something to help and help me get over the hump.  I asked insurance for referrals to psychologists early this week so hopefully counseling gets set up soon.

Apparently lots of drama is happening but I deactivated all social media, not sure that may have fueled the flames worse, but it seemed like the right decision at the time, for psychic protection.

But what's done is done, and forward we go.

[leew2110]

I was also with mine about for 10 year and it hasnt been easy letting go. I still struggle.

I have discovered I am trauma bonded with her, maybe you should look this up.

I remember the good and the awful and know i couldnt do another 10 year and how awful it was, yet my brain confuses me. the countless break ups. the same arguments over and over.

I miss her. yet didnt like her as a person anymore. it makes us crazy and I have put myself in therapy to break free of it for good before she reappears again.

So many red flags over 10 year I chose to ignore and so many years lost.

10 years isnt easy to recover from, but however long is better than another 10 year of that is what you need to tell yourself.

Hurt badly now & heal or hurt continually then even worse later

[Wize]

Dealing with this too, fellas.  I was talking to my family about it today, how the divorce is moving forward and I feel really bad, sad, missing my wife, missing our life, crying. I don't want to picture my life without my wife. It's f#$king hard. But there's a very clear line between my logic and my emotions/heart. 

Logically I know exactly why I left and filed for divorce; because she's a severe pwBPD who exhibits almost all the traits to a high degree. For my wife, there is no line between logic and emotion... .it's all the same to her.  In my heart, I love her. That's why I'm struggling. We're nons and we're feeling the way normal people feel after something like this. 

OP, don't expect your BPD SO to deal with this breakup the same way you do.  You are going to go through a long grieving process.  For her, well, you'll find that she never felt about you the way you feel about her.  That's always a very tough pill to swallow. 

[adventurer]

Looks like the angry, accusing, guilt inducing emails have started in an attempt to set the emotional hook and charm.

Thanks to all the wisdom here I am fighting the urge to explain or justify myself. I will only communicate for logistical reasons for now as necessary.

[Mutt]

You have the right idea with not JADE'ing but it's hard nonetheless on your emotions if you're getting a torrent of messages.

Looks like the angry, accusing, guilt inducing emails have started in an attempt to set the emotional hook and charm.

I'm guessing that these messages have to do with the fact that you moved out?

[adventurer]

Yes, they're about me.moving out, and to be fair to her, there may be some legitimate complaints about how I kept her in the dark and stopped.communicating about my issues, but sje is also assuming and accusing a.lot of statements about other people and the 'help' I may have had, as well as accusing me of running off with some woman.

I have her emails routed.to a.different folder and only look when I feel emotionally prepared.

[Mutt]

That's a good idea to not have the messages come to your inbox. I set aside one day out of the week where I would read my exBPDw's messages, I didn't need to be reading her emails everyday because they weren't emergencies.

[adventurer]

Almost all my good ideas are from forum members here who went through similar before me.

I feel for her, she has a right to her anger and pain, we both can only do our best in our own ways to get through.

[cherryblossom]

  god its vile isnt it? I remember the rawness - My friends helping me pack and move out my stuff from our home - so much wasted hope and lost dreams u will have a fair share of anxious / low times but it does get better and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, u will get to a point where u fall in love with yourself again and the new exciting / different options and choices that will b available to you 

[adventurer]

She has sent another email and I don't know how/if to respond. She found an old notebook of mine with a 'letter' to her in it. She wants to know when I wrote etc.

I vaguely remember, it was either an angry rant against her or a self hating rant against myself. Either way it was some time ago and not relevant to current situation. It may have been an exercise never intended for her or emotional outpouring I decided it would be a bad idea to actually give her.

Why I am tempted to respond is I feel violated that she is reading my personal stuff, though understandably she is hurt and looking for answers. Maybe I should communicate to her please stay out of my remaining things at the house? I don't know it is probably futile and my wishes would not be respected anyway.

She is looking for answers but my feelings and wants were always turned around on me and she would be the victim. I see no point in trying to communicate with her any of my reasons for leaving at this point. Other than I need to focus on me, the relationship was working for me and I've given up on fixing, talking, explaining or working on it.

[Mutt]

Why I am tempted to respond is I feel violated that she is reading my personal stuff, though understandably she is hurt and looking for answers. Maybe I should communicate to her please stay out of my remaining things at the house? I don't know it is probably futile and my wishes would not be respected anyway.

You're probably right. We can only control our actions and responses with others. I agree, take care of you. There'll be time later to explain if you make that choice.

[adventurer]

I feel bad even though I didn't really do anything that wrong, is this just misplaced empathy? I worry how she is doing instead of focusing on me.

[cherryblossom]

Sounds like guilt - have you heard of f.o.g? Fear, obligation and guilt is how we are frequently made to feel - but as adults we can only have a responsibility to ourselves and they to themselves - these emotions can trip us into "rescuer" mode

[Lucky Jim]

I won't miss the emotional abuse or the constant giving and never receiving.  But that isn't making this any easier.  It's going to take a lot of time to adjust after being with her for over 10 years.  The gremlin on my shoulder whispers that look what I am giving up, but that life was unsustainable.

Like what you're saying there, adventurer.  I have been in your shoes, believe me, after leaving a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD.  After we separated, my BPDxW was constantly calling to berate me.  I had to stop taking her calls and, like you, I moved her emails to a separate folder, for review when I felt up to it.  They all said the same thing, anyway, about what a terrible person I am, etc.

Stay the course, is my advice.  Sure, there will be some rough sledding, but it leads to greater happiness on the other side, as I can attest.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

The gremlin on my shoulder whispers that look what I am giving up, but that life was unsustainable.

It sounds like your intuition is telling you that it's unsustainable, our intuition supports us and guides us.  As Jim said, this is the toughest part, we're on the other side and can tell you that it's much more peaceful and happier, stay the course. This is temporary.

[Lucky Jim]

I feel bad even though I didn't really do anything that wrong, is this just misplaced empathy? I worry how she is doing instead of focusing on me.

No, you didn't do anything wrong.  My suggestion: don't engage, because you'll never convince her of your point of view, anyway.  Suggest you return the focus to yourself and let her worry about herself.  In my experience, those w/BPD often exaggerate their helplessness as a way of manipulating the Non.  Often, quite the contrary is true as they have learned coping skills over the years to protect themselves from the effects of BPD.  For example, a pwBPD will shift blame to the Non, in order to avoid taking responsibility for his/her own actions.  That's just the way it works with BPD.  Another suggestion: let go of trying to control her thoughts/feelings about you.

As Mutt notes, we are on the other side and can confirm that it's a lot more peaceful without all the constant drama.

LuckyJim

[adventurer]

Thanks all of you for all the great feedback and continued advice.

She is cycling quickly through strategies - latest email was very kind and reminiscing of good times.  No actionable info in that one so not answering.

[adventurer]

Now it seems she wants to argue about money.

Good to be back again on familiar territory.   

Staying out of the fray as much as possible, but I'm definitely worried I'm going to be broke for a long time.  My lawyer assures me no.  Time will tell.

My futon mattress was delivered yesterday and I had my first night of sleep not in a sleeping bag on the floor.  I'm also doing a little better emotionally.  Those 2 combined and I had my first night of decent sleep without resorting to anti-anxiety medication.

Lots of ups and down.  I should have internet by next week hopefully and will feel less isolated.

Looking though meetup.com - want to try to find a healthy, active social group.  I feel like I can't do my normal thing / groups here because I will be judged.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Adventurer, All good signs, or at least normal signs, in my view, for someone in your situation.  Getting a good night's sleep is huge.  Sure, you may be broke for a while (I was), but so what?  Doesn't make any difference to the friends and family who really care about me. 

You should expect ups and down.  My suggestion: allow yourself to experience whatever feelings come up, rather than discard them, which only delays the healing process.  To the extent you can minimize your isolation, through internet or meetup, that's all positive and healthy.

LuckyJim

[adventurer]

Wow, just when things seemed to mellow, she sent an email.vaguely accusing me of 'troubling occurrences' at the house. I just wrote No and Have the police contact me for more info.  I have been recording my location with Google timeline and using my debit card for almost everything to track my whereabouts.  I honestly thought it wouldn't be necessary.

[Lucky Jim]

She's probably bluffing in order to manipulate you into engaging w/her.  I doubt you'll hear from the Police.  Nevertheless, it doesn't hurt to take precautions, as you are doing, in order to get out in front on these issues.

LuckyJim

[adventurer]

And now she's emailing my mom 'worried' about me because noone has seen me and all my friends are concerned. Meanwhile I've emailed 10 friends, long phone calls with 4 and constant chat/IM with 4 others. Met with 2 in a week to hang out.

Unbelievable, was not expecting this. I told my mom not to respond to her. My mom is angry and would be nasty.

[adventurer]

ha, it's clear from this I'm slowly getting pulled back into drama.

She said this, she wrote this, blah blah blah.

Got to think of / do some other things and chill myself out.

[Lucky Jim]

ha, it's clear from this I'm slowly getting pulled back into drama.

Right, don't participate in the drama, is my suggestion.  It's designed to get you sucked back into the toxic BPD soup!  Don't get involved and you will be fine.  Poison is harmless unless you ingest it.

LuckyJim