Will this help her or not?

[leew2110]

My ex has a new replacement.

I am told he is a nice guy, with a very close family and they do allsorts as a family.

What I am curious about is will this do her good or bad?

This close family may actually be just what she needs esp if they are always drinking out together etc and as much as she hurt me, part of me wants to hope this is what she needs and will help her.

But I am also curious if it may harm her as I can't see how she can hide who she truly is for so long from so many all at once.

She's never had that before and think she is loving it right now. She seems to have attached to his mother already and his sisters.

I don't wish her To be hurt even tho I have every right too but I can't stop wondering if this will be good for her or bad for her coz of the BPD...

Does anyone have any similar experiences? Or did you families spot the flaws before you did?

[SoMadSoSad]

If your ex is anything like mine it is exactly what they need. My ex is thriving now with the replacement and his family. She is happier then she's ever been. Even though it kills me inside I'd rather take the pain than to see her in pain.

[joeramabeme]

leew2110

I have a question as my response; do you think your ex's BPD traits have been resolved with a new r/s?  My answer to that question is; you take yourself with you wherever you go.  If she is a pwBPD traits, they aren't going to disappear if she moves to China or down the street into the Jones'. 

It is nice that you can wish her well, she may even seem happier (relieved) at the moment.  But BP is a disorder of intimacy and it is very likely that eventually it will trigger itself again. 

Have you had contact with her since she started this new r/s?  Or are you in contact with common acquaintances?

JRB

[leew2110]

I haven't heard from her in a few months now since I was painted black and hated again now.

After 10 year tho of this on/off back & white relationship... While I miss her, I don't want to go back... But I do hope she may finally have some happiness and the support system she may need to help her be happier.

Even tho if yeah, it does make me a little jealous I was never able to offer her the close family always out drinking thing...

My parents died when I was young so I couldn't offer her this...

Part of me simply hopes for her sake this will be good for her, but also scared that if it falls apart she will lose a whole family type of Thing if that makes sense

[leew2110]

Somadsosad

How long has your ex been with the replacement?

[Mutt]

Hi leew2110,

You got some good responses. I notice that you're focused on her and her needs. It sounds like you're enmeshed.

Enmeshment: What is the Definition of Enmeshment?

[leew2110]

Maybe I still am in a way concerned for her needs... I am starting to move on but while I knew there's no going back for me this time... I do still care for her and wish her well... So yes, while I see the family thing may be good for her right now, I am concerned that once one of them start seeing the real her and the red flags then she may get badly hurt...

I was hoping they will be the support system she needs and get her into therapy but my mind keeps wondering if others have experience and how their families reacted when they seen the warning signs.

I am getting stronger every day and know I will be ok but she will have BPD for life.

[bunny4523]

Leew,

I think it's different in different situations.  My friends and family met my ex and chose to believe he was who he said he was and they liked him. Since BPD is a disorder focused on initmacy and emotions, I was the one who saw the signs/red flags first.  Once I brought them to my friends attention in an attempt to understand what was happening, they started to see bigger red flags.  I was still in the "maybe it is just the situation or maybe I did something to make him do this."  Those closest to me started to get livid because they knew me and did not believe I deserved the retaliation treatment I was receiving.

So... .as far as your concern for your ex.  Most likely once she gets close enough and gets hurt, her true colors will come out.  My belief is it's only a matter of time... .everytime, with every new relationship.  I'm sure you can situations where too really unhealthy people are able to stay together bonded by their dysfunction.  Not a relationship I want or envy. 

She will be fine one way or another. she will protect herself by pushing those away that get too close.  I would suggest working on you and the future you want for yourself.

Bunny

[SoMadSoSad]

Somadsosad

How long has your ex been with the replacement?

About a year now. I only lasted 9 months before complete discard and replaced.

[Concerns]

No support system will help someone get help if they don't want help.

Also, historically I can see this in different examples.

1. Let's have a baby... .having a baby will make everything better... .

2. Let's move... .If we move then we can start anew... .Get a fresh start... .

Uh. No.

Changing to another relationship doesn't make things better.

[leew2110]

between therapy i started a few month back and this board, i have learned so much abut BPD and about myself.

i became trauma bonded with her. But while I am recovering and looking forward to the day i no longer care, until then i guess, part of me will continue to care for her.

I dont believe you ever truly stop caring for someone you once deeply loved.

i know right now she will have the best behaviour, victim act going, but i also know once it begins and esp when she is drinking, what can can happen and the mask slips.

I Guess part of me just wants to believe there is hope for her with this new support system/family she is attaching to...

she had a way of hiding her real self from others yet I got to see both nice & nasty and the worst behaviour.

Only her parents seen the dark side of her also... so I guess whats got me curious is how she will behave with both him and his family always around.

she wont want them seeing the real her, yet will have difficulty raging etc at him with them so close.