20 texts last night from the exgf

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

So I sent two texts to my exgf last night after she once again broke the bounderies issue by bringing up our personal lives.

I told her to please stop the nonsense and just try to be appropriate.

I explained that we were never friends when we were together and never will be now or in the future.

I told her friends are trustworthy and respectful, and that she had none of these qualities.

I told her I did my best to open her eyes to her underlying issues that keep her sick and unhealthy but evidently she's not seeing her mental illness as the key problem (mistake)

I explained to her I do not care about her physical health, if she's sick or if she's well.

I said the fact you are my son's mother is the only reason I have to speak to her, otherwise I certainly would not.

I told her she was not in my life and nothing she did interested me except caring for our son.

I explained she may have lost her best friend in me but her chances are gone.

I will not tolerate

Lies

Manipulation

Abuse

Threats

Excuses

She sent 20 texts back after this and I'm going to archive them but I would never subject myself to her twisted insanity by reading them.

I still give her some control, I long for the day when I can laugh at her childishness. She's a pro at what she does and I allow her to wear me down with her sickness.

Do you think I was too harsh on her?

I mean I tried to explain I was tired and I would take my son on Friday and she used her old game of if I didn't take my son she would get me put in jail for contempt? Wha?

Oh the innapprotpiate thing? She said that my son misses waking up with her bf because I had to take him away... .

Yes by all means her getting beat up is now my fault

[catclaw]

We used to have the same Problem. SS' BPDm used to send DH text Messages all the time demanding this, asking that, informing him of the other Thing - None of which were even slightly related to SS. If somehow related, then only minimally. Everyone (including CPS) told him to set the boundary of NOT EVER ALLOWING TEXT MESSAGES (E-Mail only), only in case of short-term notifications like "I will be 20 mins late" or "SS broke his arm" or something like this. She doesn't even care. He's been doin pretty good at ignoring the Messages. He Looks at them, filters out whether it's related to the kid or not, then goes on with his life. She's raging and crying bloody murders if he doesn't respond to nonsense like "there's a lego fair next Weekend, you could take SS there. I'd like to, but it's not my weekend" or "I wish i could take SS on vacation but the refugee Situation on the borders is just a mess. He was so looking Forward to it. I hope he's not upset" (see, even the refugees are somehow ruining her life. we don't even have any border nearby). In the beginning he used to respond to all the bs. Since he started not doing so, she became a lot calmer. Sure, there's the typical Fallout every once in a while, but that's been it.

I think you gave her a lot to Twist and turn against you. She will be the victim again. Brace yourself for the backlash and try another strategy then.

The Thing is, you are relieved for a Moment, having said what's on your mind. when dealing with a pwBPD, it doesn't stop there.

I wish you all the best and that you soon figure out what works best for you.

[JerryRG]

Thanks catclaw

People say "don't engage her"

Walk away... .

I have to communicate in text or email but I'm trying to get her to understand I'm not in her life any longer and she just keeps spilling her problems into the conversation. She told me yesterday my son was working on a project for Father's day? Oh yeah? He's 2, I don't think he knows what you're talking about. Innapprotpiate? Yes because it's a gift from mom, by mom.

Just leave me alone!

I cannot figure her out, I don't know who she is, she morphs into someone different and I don't know how to deal with her.

Frustrating and confusing and hmm, there's the happy, my life is wonderful her. Then the my life is awful and I can't wait for the world to end. There's the I'm in a great relationship with a good guy. Then he's not so good and he's beating me up. Then her family hate her and she's moving away. Then her family is the best and they hate me. Then she's sick and dying of some strange illness that just evaporates . Then she's healthy and working out, on and on and... .

I DON'T CARE!

Yes I need a strategy or more than one for her many personalities

[catclaw]

I know about the difficulties and the many facettes of pwBPD as i expierienced it for 6 years  now, since i met DH.

I was feeling the same way you're feeling now but try to not waste your energy on making her understand things. She will not. At times it's hard to accept but you will not change her. We also have experienced men come and go, with her calling dh and telling him to come pick her up as her then bf hit her and she didn't find ss in the appartment because he hid somewhere. She also contacts family members with questionable morals and histories and burns the bridges as soon as the can't expect any financial benefits from them. But that is her life. You can tell her how you see it but she will have 1000 reasons as to why you are wrong and actually the one to blame.

I try to see it like this. It's a pattern that helps pwBPD surivive in a world that doesn't cater to their specific needs. They tend to succeed with FOG and if they don't, they have yet another reason to blame the other person. This is how things have worked. And because there's only black and white, they do everything to stay on the white side themselves. The other way round it would be unbearable. That doesnt excuse anything, but it explains why you struggling to make them understand what harm they cause will not get to them. Because they might feel like it's just not true.

If she has things to say abot your son's wellbeing, fine. If she hides this information in texts about how she plans to spend her tuesday afternoon, try to filter it out. Don't respond to this. Respond to the infornation about your son and nothing else. At least that's what made things easier for us.

[bunny4523]

 Hi Jerry,

I would suggest not trying to get her to understand.  My opinion is you don't need to say "I don't want to be friends with you" just don't be friends with her... .   Just keep your responses short and boring.  Even take a while to respond sometimes. She needs to feel like there is nothing to connect to with you.

I work with my ex BPD. The short, boring route is what I've found works best. I can't give him anything to connect with or like about me or he gets weird.  Starts watching my car in the parking lot and commenting or asking questions when he sees I've left.  One word answers... .at the most a sentence.  Anything more they feel engaged or something and start trying to reel you back in.

Reminds me of a story: I wore a scarf to work one day and he commented "I really like your scarf".  I said "thank you" and tried to get him to sign the paper I had brought in for him.  He said "do you remember when you wore that last?"  I just looked at him and calmly said,"no?".  He said "it was the night I proposed to you."  I said, "oh yeah, that's right." and I continued the conversation about the document and walked out of his office.  He doesn't get to reminisce with me and try to remind me of a good time we had, screw you fool.  I wanted to say I  remember the day you locked me out of the house with all my stuff in it and I had to call the police." but that would tell him I'm still somehow invested in or tied to him and I'm not.

I try to not give him anything he can twist.  He tried to get me in trouble with my boss at work once and then he comes in my office right after and tells me, "I just want to make sure you are happy here and being treated fairly. I have the utmost respect for you."  I looked right at him and just said, "ok, thank you."  I know what he did and he knew he didn't get to me.  I give him nothing to work with.  I am no longer engaging or playing this game with you.   My point I guess is - I don't need to tell him I don't care, I'm just going to show him I don't care.

My heart goes out to you having to deal with this with your son in the middle of it all... .keep up the good work.  He needs you.

Bunny

[jhkbuzz]

Hello everyone

So I sent two texts to my exgf last night after she once again broke the bounderies issue by bringing up our personal lives.

I told her to please stop the nonsense and just try to be appropriate.

I explained that we were never friends when we were together and never will be now or in the future.

I told her friends are trustworthy and respectful, and that she had none of these qualities.

I told her I did my best to open her eyes to her underlying issues that keep her sick and unhealthy but evidently she's not seeing her mental illness as the key problem (mistake)

I explained to her I do not care about her physical health, if she's sick or if she's well.

I said the fact you are my son's mother is the only reason I have to speak to her, otherwise I certainly would not.

I told her she was not in my life and nothing she did interested me except caring for our son.

I explained she may have lost her best friend in me but her chances are gone.

I will not tolerate

Lies

Manipulation

Abuse

Threats

Excuses

She sent 20 texts back after this and I'm going to archive them but I would never subject myself to her twisted insanity by reading them.

I still give her some control, I long for the day when I can laugh at her childishness. She's a pro at what she does and I allow her to wear me down with her sickness.

Do you think I was too harsh on her?

I mean I tried to explain I was tired and I would take my son on Friday and she used her old game of if I didn't take my son she would get me put in jail for contempt? Wha?

Oh the inappropriate thing? She said that my son misses waking up with her bf because I had to take him away... .

Yes by all means her getting beat up is now my fault

I'm sorry, this is a tough place to be - but it sure looks like you're getting sucked into the drama. Do you know what J.A.D.E. stands for? It's Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain - and the idea is that you will save your sanity if you work on refraining on doing ANY of these four things when you're speaking with your ex.

Here's a link for more info:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=205038.0;all

[bunny4523]

I'm sorry, this is a tough place to be - but it sure looks like you're getting sucked into the drama. Do you know what J.A.D.E. stands for? It's Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain - and the idea is that you will save your sanity if you work on refraining on doing ANY of these four things when you're speaking with your ex.

Love that, didn't even know there was a name for it.

[Mutt]

Hi JerryRG,

You have a lot of good responses. It sounds like you're both triggered. I recall that she was making moves on you? She may feel rejected and that's the reason why she's blowing up your phone with texts. That said, your response is too JADEy, it takes time to stop reacting to our exes. I have a suggestion.

I told her to please stop the nonsense and just try to be appropriate.

I explained that we were never friends when we were together and never will be now or in the future.

I told her friends are trustworthy and respectful, and that she had none of these qualities.

I told her I did my best to open her eyes to her underlying issues that keep her sick and unhealthy but evidently she's not seeing her mental illness as the key problem (mistake)

I explained to her I do not care about her physical health, if she's sick or if she's well.

I said the fact you are my son's mother is the only reason I have to speak to her, otherwise I certainly would not.

I told her she was not in my life and nothing she did interested me except caring for our son.

I explained she may have lost her best friend in me but her chances are gone.

Set the boundary on you and don't JADE, don't explain or mention anything that is personal, keep it business like and keep your conversations about your son. This is temporary and it will pass, you can speed things up with not JADE'ing.

[JerryRG]

Thank you everyone for your wise councel and support

Indeed, JADE, BIFF

I'm trying to rationalize with someone who's not rational.

The exgf asked me this morning why I lied about what the ER doctor told me. My response,  I do not lie

Anyway I wasted a great deal of energy because I allowed myself to get sucked into her drama.

Lesson learned, again

She is mentally ill, I cannot expect anything she says or does to be rational or make sense.

I bought me some chaos, why? I guess I wanted it?

My sponsor set me straight, I must want this drama in my life or I would stop it.

[Mutt]

Hi JerryRG,

I bought me some chaos, why? I guess I wanted it?

My sponsor set me straight, I must want this drama in my life or I would stop it.

Don't be hard on yourself. Change is not easy and changing how we respond takes time - baby steps. Change has to come from the non-disordered ex partner.

[JerryRG]

Thanks Mutt

Things can be simple, change is never easy

[myself]

You have every right to speak your mind and establish boundaries.

It's healthy for you. Just as distancing yourself from the drama is.

Keep it businesslike. Just about your son. She'll aim it elsewhere.

[bunny4523]

Jerry,

I agree with the others, give yourself a break.  It's hard to deal with the BPD thought process.  It was harder for me at first because I think I wanted him to know I was "rejecting" him now.  Then I remembered it isn't about sending a message to him but to live my life, be happy and in time it will be apparent or not... .but who cares.  I am happy and that's all that matters.  I don't think you want drama... .I think you are just doing your best to keep your boundaries in place.  Just keep in mind if you tell her where your boundaries are, the first thing she is going to do is cross them... .

Have a great day,

Bunny

[JerryRG]

It is strange how my ex can wear me down incrementally until I'm really wore out then hit me hard, it's like she wants me to fail. Again, I'm not sure her motivation for me to fail when our son needs a healthy father.

She said my son had a project for Father's Day, how many times has she said I was going to receive something from my son. And he's 2 so this is from her, not him. Innapprotpiate?

She is someone to ponder, understanding her isn't my job. Invested enough into that foolish endeavor.

Her logic is self filling:

I remember re

[JerryRG]

Her delusions are self fullfilling:

I remember reading a story about a psychotic man in England who would spend his days walking around London spreading his magic purple powder all over the ground to rid the country of Lions. One day a gentleman stood observing this peculiar stranger as he sprang about throwing his powder here and there. The gentleman finally had to ask the pshychotic what on earth he was doing. The psychotic answered with a smile and said, "I'm ridding London of Lions" and went on tossing the purple magic. The gentleman stood there confounded and then spoke up saying to the pshychotic man, "but sir, England has no Lions"

The psychotic man, laughs and looks at the gentleman with a determined look of accomplishment and replys... "precisly! and you are most welcome"

[JerryRG]

Time to let go of this, whew! Now I owe $3000 back pay and I'm suppose to sign over my rights... .

Lolololol lolololol run run run run

She gets into serious trouble and I'm to blame and I'm suppose to give up my son... .makes sense to me

[JerryRG]

Ok I get it now, she sent me a text about the back pay of $3000 which is a lie then said she was sorry I hated her. I told her I do not hate her I just need to establish bounderies. I asked her one more time to realize all I want is for her to respect my privacy and I will hers.

I guess I pushed too hard and hurt her, she's using the $3000 as a manipulation to have me believe she protecting me from the state. If I did owe any money, which I know I do not, I would be informed immediately.

Anyway I did jade her and I guess she's not ready to let me go. I don't have to understand her, I just have to be firm and allow her to deal with her issues.

She's deliberately cruel and manipulative as usual... .

I'm not cut out for this s***

[Herodias]

I'm sorry for you... .I understand. I am telling you, it's too confusing and difficult to try and follow all "the rules" on how to talk to someone... .I couldn't do it either. I screwed up and he got me back by what he has been doing with this divorce. I still believe the best way to handle them is to be as polite as possible- as if you are strangers. Please, thanks you's, your welcomes and short polite comments. If you stop responding to her texts or comments about herself and her problems, she will mirror you and since you are not reacting, she may stop telling you everything. She is the one having trouble with the boundaries. She wants to still be friends- remember, mine wanted me to be his babies aunt!  When she says, don't you care that I am sick? Say, yes I do... .then don't respond... .say as little as possible. She will start to do the same. You are both reflections of each other. It will take time to make the changes on both sides, so don't expect it to happen overnight. Right now you stirred her all up... .If I were you, I would tell her that you were having a bad day when you said all of that the other day and you were sorry... .but that you do want to keep things about your son mostly.  I usually would blame myself and say I am having a hard time with all of this... .he would accept it. I hope this helps... .You just have to be careful. You probably said those things because you want to explain to her how things really are... .You just can't. She will never understand and you are only doing what is called narcissistic injury which is to hurt her ego. Are you both close to her Mother? Could you do drop off and pick ups there? Do you meet somewhere to do it so you don't have to meet at each others homes and linger too long? What options do you have to make contact in person quicker? Just don't respond to her text comments on herself... .Does that make sense?

[JerryRG]

Hello Blue and thank you

I did harm her, I wanted her to do something she wasn't ready to accept. She did text me again, making threats that I have to take my son Friday to Sunday or I was in violation of my custody agreement. Then said she was busy with her lawyers today and all weekend. She's very upset and bouncing all over with emotional reactions.

Again explaining her plans for the weekend and who she's with and all the details I've begged her to not share with me.

I agreed to take my son then she said I needed to supply his diapers because her lawyer told her this is how it is. It's not but I told her if she wishes to continue playing games I had to stop the conversation.

I'm not sure what it's called, disregulation? She's not doing well.

[AwakenedOne]

She told me yesterday my son was working on a project for Father's day? Oh yeah? He's 2, I don't think he knows what you're talking about. Innapprotpiate? Yes because it's a gift from mom, by mom.

Hi Jerry,

Can't this possibly be normal and appropriate though? The "work" your son is doing could be just holding a glue bottle for the project and/or mumbling daddy while he watches her do most of the work or maybe him scribbling something with a crayon etc... .Can't this be a good thing? Would you rather have nothing instead? Even if he does 1/100th of the project isn't that something valuable?

[JerryRG]

Yes it is, I just don't know if it's appropriate for us. I was asking rather than making a statement of it being wrong. I just don't trust her and she confuses me so I'm very defensive. I don't want her getting in my head again, in the past she would be nice like this them turn into a monster and cut me down.

Never understand her motives.

I asked her an hour or so ago to allow me to take my son tomorrow for the day, she said I had to buy him diapers which she knows is suppose to come out of his child support. Then text me a while ago asking if 20 diapers is enough. I can't keep playing these games with her. It takes so much time and energy just to get the simplistic things done with her.

She lies then calls me a liar. I hope she can get some help, I feel like I'm on a merry go round whenever I talk to her.

[AwakenedOne]

Never understand her motives.

Do you know why she keeps trying to have you sign over your rights? I think in one of your recent threads she said something about giving the child away also or something like that? Seems strange to make you a fathers day gift with your child and want you removed as the parent at same time.

[JerryRG]

In 2 words, she's nuts!

[JerryRG]

She text me this morning and said she's giving my son to her bfs family so she can get well from her "illness"

We all know she's not sick but just not wanting to take care of our son, and yet she thinks this will show the court her ability and desire to be his mother. I hope my son ends up in my custody because she's made it very clear she does not or will not take responsibility and be his mother.

Any wonder I and my son are confused? Then asking me to give up my rights? This is beyond bizarre and why would her bf not see her as she is and incapable of raising a child?

Insanity