Addressing limit contact

[Finding Courage]

So, I have been limited contact with my uBPD mom for a number of years.  She recently began to push for more contact and so I had to be more clear about my desire to have less contact.  This has created a martyr, "I'm so hurt", "why can't you just forgive me", "I don't know what I did wrong" series of emails (7 today).  Yet, I know she is intellectually able to understand her behaviors and is choosing the dependent, martyr role instead.  I know she will really never change and it is really either me or her in terms of mental health.  If I choose to be healthy, independent and set boundaries (because she never will), I hurt her.  But if I let her in my life more, she hurts me. 

The FOG is strong today, it is very hard.  Any advice or similar situations out there?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Finding Courage! 

It really is hard to see through the FOG, especially when it gets so thick that you can't see far enough ahead to take the next step. I'm grieved for you, with this struggle that your uBPDm is pushing on you, trying to make you feel responsible for how she feels. My mom was an uBPD too, and I certainly understand the relentless torment they can put us through.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

This is a link which may be helpful.  In the end, remember that you are not responsible for how she responds. I struggle with this too, but the more I remind myself of the truth, the better I feel. What types of things are you doing to help you feel suported?



Wools

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Finding Courage:

Everyone has to take an approach that works for them and their own sanity.  Sounds like you are familiar with boundaries and have made efforts to enforce them.

The one thing to keep in mind is that you can change your mind on NC or LC down the road.  Just because you want to enforce NC right now, doesn't mean you can't change it later.

The only contact I have with my uBPD sis right now is via respective lawyers.  The FOG streams out occasionally, but after we settle the last piece of trust business for our deceased parents, it will be complete NC.  My current position is that I will only resume some level of contact if she gets counseling.  Should she approach me, I will mention the counseling.

Hang tough.  Keep reading the articles and lessons.  Should you decide to ever resume contact, your tools will be sharpened.

[Finding Courage]

Thanks everyone.  I struggle between being justified, angry, knowing I am doing the right thing, to guilty knowing that it hurts her. 

She is now being very manipulative, which actually makes it easier to be no contact.

[Woolspinner2000]

Finding courage,

Can you share a bit more about what it is specifically that causes you to feel guilty "knowing it hurt her?" Do you feel responsible for that hurt or that you caused it? For example if you could share what you think you did that is causing her to respond like this.

I understand very much where you are coming from as everything  I did caused me to fear that I was responsible for how my uBPDm reacted. It has been a great struggle to overcome but I'm getting there. You will too! 

How are you feeling today?

Wools