Crazy is the new Normal

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello everyone

I wonder sometimes if I've seen and been around so much crazy that normal just don't feel right.

I think I find comfort in dysfunction and chaos

I remember one of my best friends in high school who teased me about how funny my dad was when my dad was drunk. The way my dad walked and fell down almost everytime he got drunk

My friends father called my father's walking as a gingerbread man.

Until one night my friend stayed overnight and my dad came home drunk, unlike the public persona my father was yelling as he usually did so I thought nothing of it.

My friend sat there eyes wide open and actually shaking and asked if my dad was going to kill us.

My friend soon stopped teasing me about my dad.

I believe I'm so used to this kind of toxic behaviors that being around normal people frightens me.

Can anyone relate?

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

I wonder sometimes if I've seen and been around so much crazy that normal just don't feel right.

I think I find comfort in dysfunction and chaos

I remember one of my best friends in high school who teased me about how funny my dad was when my dad was drunk. The way my dad walked and fell down almost everytime he got drunk

My friends father called my father's walking as a gingerbread man.

Until one night my friend stayed overnight and my dad came home drunk, unlike the public persona my father was yelling as he usually did so I thought nothing of it.

My friend sat there eyes wide open and actually shaking and asked if my dad was going to kill us.

My friend soon stopped teasing me about my dad.

I believe I'm so used to this kind of toxic behaviors that being around normal people frightens me.

Can anyone relate?

[heartandwhole]

Hi JerryRG,

I'm very sorry you had to grow up in that environment. I can understand why "chaos" can feel normal for you.

How was your relationship to your father? I mean, were there time when he was sober that you felt close to him? How did your mom and siblings handle things? Who were you the closest to?

I ask because for me, I think the absence and distance I experienced from my dad (there was drinking, too) not only contributed to my feeling of being unlovable ("is there something wrong with me?", but I eventually also associated those feelings with being loved.

The family unit is our template for how we will seek out and give love in our adult relationships, so I suspect that is why you feel comfortable with instability and unhealthy behavior. The good news is that we can learn to 1) accept and then 2) change these patterns.

I also think that some of these feelings might always be with us in some form or another (or at least for a long time), but I believe we can still learn more skillful ways of coping that lead to healthier relationships. For example, in relationships I need to counteract the self-sufficiency I learned from my FOO dynamics by revealing a bit more of my vulnerability. Maybe you learned to tolerate a lot of stress without breaking down (just speculating for purposes of an example), and to create a healthier relationship, you may want to learn how to stop being strong all the time and learn to take care of your own needs sooner, rather than later.

I'd like to know more about "feeling frightened around 'normal' people." I'm not sure I feel the same, but something about that sentence resonates.

What are your thoughts, JerryRG?

heartandwhole

[purekalm]

Hey JerryRG,

Yes, I can relate. My dad and mom caused drama all the time. I was only four or five the first time I tried to run away, apparently I realized it that early. They let me walk out the door and when I finally wanted back in they wouldn't let me and I pounded on the door losing it and when they actually opened the door they were laughing saying stuff like "That'll teach you" "It's not that bad here" blah blah blah.

Anyways, I've had the same experiences. One time when I was 12 or 13 I think my mom actually got ticked enough to follow me to my aunt's house and beat the crap out of me in front of my five or six year old cousin and her mom with them screaming and crying telling her to stop. I remember being more embarrassed than anything. Crazy stuff was always happening on a daily basis and I just got "used" to it. My dad had such a great persona with everyone else even his own family thought we were lying and didn't believe us, that is, until, one of my cousins who acted all hard seen my parents screaming in the face of my younger sister after shoving her into a wall and he totally freaked out. He ran to his room, locked the door and then jumped out his window and went to a friend's house. He was another one that used to idealize my dad, and I hated my dad and him and them for it, because I knew the truth. He believed us finally, but eventually went back to defending him... .so crazy... .

So, anyways, I know what you mean. It's hard to be around people who are normal because they don't get you or understand where you're coming from. I've lived on edge and knowing the next chaotic thing was about to happen any minute, and it always did. I can't really relate to them because I never got to be normal. I was worried about surviving, and even now when my parents start to scream at each other it strikes a chord in me and I distance myself as much as possible.

As I've worked on healing and all I don't like the dysfunction anymore and want more than anything to be free of it all, even though it's all I've known and it's a little scary. I'm literally tired of the drama. Maybe things would have been different had I been able to get away from my parents or not married the man I did, but my trauma never stopped, I just got older in it. So I've had to learn to heal while in the chaos, and I want out.

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Herodias]

There is a show called "You're the Worst" on Hulu where these two narcissistic types hook up... .the female tells him a story about how she once burned up a classroom to get out of a class when she was younger... .They both have a laugh about it. Later she is with a "normal" guy and teaks him the story. He looks at her like she is a terrible person. It makes her feel bad and decides she likes the other guy that she could tell her past to and not feel bad about who she is. Sometimes I feel that way too... .I grew up in a "different" type of childhood. Sometimes I think I would have to hide who I was to a "normal" person too. Maybe I never felt good enough to be with someone who grew up in a more "leave it to beaver" type of home. Maybe that's why I always ended up with problem relationships... .so how do we move on from this? I understand not wanting drama any more... .I guess you don't have to share the past with people. I know when it comes to people I work with, I know who I cannot share anything with... .I think this is where self esteem issues come from. Not feeling "normal" ourselves. I have done some pretty stupid stuff in my past... .I know I am not that person any more. It's funny because some people won't even give you a chance if they know your past. Sometimes I just want to run away and start over somewhere... I can see why a pwBPD would want to do this as well. Sometimes I don't feel like I am good enough and I am being judged. I know people all have issues though... .even the ones that act like they don't.

[fromheeltoheal]

One benefit of living in chaos is it's exciting, in that there is always extra external stimulus going on, so we don't have time or the focus to slow down and feel.  So when we get around people who have apparently not spent a lot of time in chaos, and have therefore spent time centered and balanced, and processed emotions as they've come, we feel out of sorts, 'abnormal', around them.  So is it the 'normal' folks who frighten us, or is it when spending time with them we get exposed to centered and balanced, get in sync with it a little bit, and start to feel?

What is normal anyway.  A long time ago I decided that people I consider normal are just people who are weird in the same direction I am, and I don't really see a reason to change that belief.  And if we've been through trauma there's grieving to do, and a lot of tools available to not grieve, run really fast, work really hard, imbibe intoxicants, watch hours of mindless TV, sleep a lot, and at some point, when we're up to it, we decide there's something better, there's something more fully human than what I'm doing, I'm going to sit here for a while and just be, no distractions, and let whatever it is that needs to come up and out, come up and out.  And purging complete we can take our version of normal out into the world, wear it like a suit, a fancy one we're proud of, and not only feel at home around people, but start to notice how normal is totally subjective, and most people are wondering why they aren't that.

[purekalm]

Hello fromheeltoheal,

This is just my opinion, but I would agree more with Herodias in that it's "normal" "average" people or what have you that just can't deal with someone with a difficult history. There are always exceptions, I've seen and experienced both sides. Only one thing in my life can completely stump a person speechless, and I'm like, that's not anywhere near the worst of it... .Feeling happens no matter what, and normal is different for everyone, but people who don't grow up like we did have a different view on life, it's a given. I've just learned to accept myself the way I am, faults and all, and if someone can't handle or deal with that it's fine, they don't have to and I'm not forcing myself on anyone either. I don't need everyone to like or agree with me, co existing is good enough. It's all in our perception and belief in ourselves and others. If we believe we're below, we're automatically going to act that out. So, why not work on being on the same level as anybody else rather than trying to assess if we're worse or better? Obviously, it takes time, and I'm still working on it, but that's how I see it. =)

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[fromheeltoheal]

I've just learned to accept myself the way I am, faults and all, and if someone can't handle or deal with that it's fine, they don't have to and I'm not forcing myself on anyone either.

Good for you PK!  And maybe you agree that before you accepted yourself the way you are, you were where Jerry is when he says "being around normal people frightens me."  As you say, you learned to accept yourself, and there is value in everything we experience if we look for it.  If we've had a chaotic past, we also developed coping strategies to deal with it at the time, and good for us, we made it through, and those coping strategies may be getting in our way now, for us to decide.  And on the way, we may discover that there is no normal, we either accept ourselves or we don't, and once we do, whatever we consider normal no longer frightens us, and on top of that, we know there's a depth to us, a strength to us, because of what we've been through, that folks who haven't had those experiences just don't have, comforting in a way, as we look for and learn other coping strategies that we may have missed along the way and could benefit us now.

[purekalm]

Hello again fromheeltoheal,

I can't say that I agree with that, because I was never afraid to be around "normal" people, just unsure and sometimes anxiety ridden because I wasn't sure what to expect, say, or if what I was already doing was acceptable. My brother has agoraphobia, (extreme or irrational fear of crowded spaces or enclosed public spaces) and to be honest I have it mildly myself. I don't think in any way it's a bad thing, since everyone learns and grows at their own pace. I don't like to be around a lot of people, that's just my preference. I do however, get claustrophobic in tight spaces or complete darkness since my older sister shoved me in a toy box and sat on it for a while before my mom found me when we were little. Crazy things happen, working on it.

My coping strategy was to detach and I didn't consciously realize it until early this year. It does and has gotten in my way and it's something I've worked to overcome and I believe that JerryRG, no matter what his hindrances are to being around people that aren't like him will be able to overcome it as long as he keeps working at it and doesn't give up, taking one tiny step at a time. 

Sincerely,

Purekalm