The Shame We Feel...

[Herodias]

I actually do feel better now that I am divorced. I have been thinking about it and I think I was so disgusted being married to someone who is living with someone and having a baby with them... .it's embarrassing. I think I have felt ashamed that I married someone mentally ill and so despicable. Maybe I feel a bit ashamed that I was in relationship like this and didn't see it from the beginning. Especially when other people did and I didn't listen. I have learned allot! To be able to throw away all of the memories of hurt and pain that I have been through, feels great. No more scouring for evidence. It is finally over.  I have to admit- and I know it is not "healthy" but I want to let you into my head in all honesty... .I think I am so upset that he went off to a younger woman and he may "think" he is better off, because I wouldn't put up with his crap.  I secretly can't wait until this relationship is over and he moves on with someone else. I somehow would  feel justified. I am not happy with this woman that went after my husband and left hers for mine. I realize she will have a bigger price to pay than I ever did. I know my ex is paying for what he did to me by not being with me and having the same life style he was enjoying. I suppose you all will tell me not to be angry or to care or whatever... .but I am just telling you my honest feelings. I can't wait until I have apathy for the whole situation. Not quite there yet... .I may never know about it, but I might... .So many of them move on from relationship to relationship quickly. I was told I stayed way to long. We are all different, so she may do it too, I know. It just makes me mad , yet glad she was there to get him away from me. It's confusing thoughts... .I just can't tell anyone else this... .hope you understand. I feel ashamed even thinking it, but I do.

[Rayban]

I also feel shame for going against my better judgement and returning to her time and time again despite family and friends trying to make me understand that it wasn't right. I feel shame for taking abuse and coming back for more. I hate that I believed her lies, and near the end she would lie with a smirk, making it known I was being played.

In my case I believe that in the end of the relationship she tried to evoke shame by portraying the relationship to be well ... .nothing important in her life. I just should feel blessed that I'm working my way out of this mess.

[Herodias]

I also feel shame for going against my better judgement and returning to her time and time again despite family and friends trying to make me understand that it wasn't right. I feel shame for taking abuse and coming back for more. I hate that I believed her lies, and near the end she would lie with a smirk, making it known I was being played.

In my case I believe that in the end of the relationship she tried to evoke shame by portraying the relationship to be well ... .nothing important in her life. I just should feel blessed that I'm working my way out of this mess.

I agree with everything you have said here... .I feel the same way. This is exactly what I meant... .it makes me think, we are similar to them at the end of the relationship... .having shame. Maybe we had it all along and that is why we stayed to try and make them better to prove we weren't so wrong being with them in the first place? That could be a stretch... .

[fromheeltoheal]

I feel ashamed even thinking it, but I do.

There's the sentence that jumps out for me.  To make sure we're talking about the same thing, we feel guilt when we do something bad or wrong, we feel shame when we are bad; is ashamed accurate in that light BH?  The feelings do sound confusing, contradictory even, and I understand them, I've felt them concurrently too; maybe one choice is to focus on the savior she was for getting him away from you, the bright side, and on that you were told you stayed way too long, and be as content with that as you can, as you shift the focus from them to you and from the past to the future, at a pace that feels right, forward to a life you're creating and will love.  What else is there really, but optimism we choose, a vision, and progress towards it?

[Herodias]

I feel ashamed even thinking it, but I do.

There's the sentence that jumps out for me.  To make sure we're talking about the same thing, we feel guilt when we do something bad or wrong, we feel shame when we are bad; is ashamed accurate in that light BH?  The feelings do sound confusing, contradictory even, and I understand them, I've felt them concurrently too; maybe one choice is to focus on the savior she was for getting him away from you, the bright side, and on that you were told you stayed way too long, and be as content with that as you can, as you shift the focus from them to you and from the past to the future, at a pace that feels right, forward to a life you're creating and will love.  What else is there really, but optimism we choose, a vision, and progress towards it?

Yes... .you are correct. Yes, I can focus on that, but I almost feel like I am trying to disassociate myself from my own thoughts then... .I agree it is a better way to think. Just not sure I am really looking at it that she is a "savior" for me... .I actually wonder if she is BPD herself! Seriously. She has allot of the red flags we talk about. Allot! I almost would rather think they are the same and that should lead to disaster and they will both be miserable. If I am going to have to "think" about the situation differently. You know what I mean? Again, I can't wait until I don't care... .I know I am better off, I know I don't want him back... .I think my ego is hurt.

[Moselle]

Herodias, well done for getting this out.  For being vulnerable and sharing your anguish. So sorry you have to experience this shame and pain

I have similar sentiments for my ex and her live in boyfriend (who ironically divorced his pregnant wife for mine  ) I call them the Jerry Springer family because this stuff can't be made up.

I managed to last for 15 years, so I see no reason why they won't do the same.

I feel the same pain. He was actually a friend of mine as well which adds insult to injury for me. I hate the guy - it actually makes me feel sick to know that these two teach my children.

My go to wish for them is that they reap what they have sewn, but I don't hold my breath. They both come from a seriously dysfunctional  background and are well versed in hiding the shame whilst appearing perfect. I know what is playing out but they and both of their families are invested in them appearing perfect. The BPD will brew for many years under the facade before it boils over again.

[fromheeltoheal]

I feel ashamed even thinking it, but I do.

There's the sentence that jumps out for me.  To make sure we're talking about the same thing, we feel guilt when we do something bad or wrong, we feel shame when we are bad; is ashamed accurate in that light BH?  The feelings do sound confusing, contradictory even, and I understand them, I've felt them concurrently too; maybe one choice is to focus on the savior she was for getting him away from you, the bright side, and on that you were told you stayed way too long, and be as content with that as you can, as you shift the focus from them to you and from the past to the future, at a pace that feels right, forward to a life you're creating and will love.  What else is there really, but optimism we choose, a vision, and progress towards it?

Yes, I can focus on that, but I almost feel like I am trying to disassociate myself from my own thoughts then... .I agree it is a better way to think.

Yeah, it's a balance: we don't want to dissociate from our feelings and live in denial, that won't help, and we don't want to stew in them either.  It's a matter of feeling everything all the way so we process it, the only way out is through, while also focusing on a strong vision of a future we'd love to live, so we don't get off course and know what the goal is.  And then put one foot in front of the other as life goes on, getting better.

I read a meditation technique recently that I liked and I've started practicing: sit still, be still, feel an emotion, and put it off to the 'side' in our consciousness, so it's still there, but it's clear we are not that emotion, we are separate from it, and we can watch it float through without it overwhelming us or trying to become us.  A little trippy, but it works and helps me stay in touch with my core, regardless, which is something I lost touch with for a long time.

Just not sure I am really looking at it that she is a "savior" for me... .I actually wonder if she is BPD herself! Seriously. She has allot of the red flags we talk about. Allot! I almost would rather think they are the same and that should lead to disaster and they will both be miserable. If I am going to have to "think" about the situation differently. You know what I mean? Again, I can't wait until I don't care... .I know I am better off, I know I don't want him back... .I think my ego is hurt.

Yeah, I get it: imagining them mired in a crappy situation, both miserable, makes you feel better, your ego feel better.  Not necessarily unhealthy as long as it's a phase, and the way through is to feel that while shifting the focus to your bright future, one day at a time, the fastest way to not caring yes?

[Mutt]

I have been thinking about it and I think I was so disgusted being married to someone who is living with someone and having a baby with them... .it's embarrassing.

If you think about it your exH is embarrassing himself. You fell in love with him. We're not professionals and can't spot or diagnose mental illness in the honey phase of our r/s's. BPD is an invisible disorder, it takes time for the behaviors to show. Don't be hard on yourself.

[Wize]

We're not professionals and can't spot or diagnose mental illness in the honey phase of our r/s's. BPD is an invisible disorder, it takes time for the behaviors to show. Don't be hard on yourself.

Yeah, this.  Some of the members here grew up being heavily judged and held to unreasonably high standards.  For those, it's more common to feel shame over your mistakes.  I'm fortunate to be surrounded by people who know they screw and will continue to screw up and don't make a big fuss about it.  So I don't get too caught up in the crappy choices I made, specifically those that led to my marriage with BPD wife.  For me, my recovery from pwBPD has more to do with understanding and processing exactly what the heck happened and how to avoid it ever happening again.

[Herodias]

I have been thinking about it and I think I was so disgusted being married to someone who is living with someone and having a baby with them... .it's embarrassing.

If you think about it your exH is embarrassing himself. You fell in love with him. We're not professionals and can't spot or diagnose mental illness in the honey phase of our r/s's. BPD is an invisible disorder, it takes time for the behaviors to show. Don't be hard on yourself.

.                                                                                                                                                     Yes- thanks Mutt, you are right. They are embarrassing themselves... .I have been expecting them to post they are engaged on Facebook now that he is divorced, but I guess people would say there are putting the cart before the horse! Having the baby first. I agree about the honey phase, but I knew he lied and drank too much. He actually lied and got me pregnant! I married him because of that. Stupid! My friend reminded me that I never wanted to get married. I remember that now. It's almost like he's trying to live out what we almost had... .Maybe that bothers me too. I'm trying to figure this all out you see. My own head for a change- might need bread crumbs there too

[Herodias]

"For me, my recovery from pwBPD has more to do with understanding and processing exactly what the heck happened and how to avoid it ever happening again.".         

I totally agree. I'm afraid to meet someone and tell them any of this. I want to have it somewhat clear in my head first.

[Herodias]

"I have similar sentiments for my ex and her live in boyfriend (who ironically divorced his pregnant wife for mine  shocked) I call them the Jerry Springer family because this stuff can't be made up."

Mine was a lifetime movie that led to Jerry springer! Welcome to the club!