Rough patch

[thrownforaloop]

Really having a tough day. I blocked texts and calls from my exBPDw for the last two weeks and had been feeling a whole world better with the NC, up until recently.

For those of you who don't know my story, I'll recap: Was with my exBPDw for 5 years total, married for 2. She has a son (currently 7), who became my stepson and I became a father to him. A couple of years ago, she begged me to get a dog and I caved and we adopted one from the Humane Society. Anyway, with SS7, I had been seeing him a good bit--through contacting exBPDw's mom, who SS7 has been living with since our separation.

Anyway, my ex had been getting sort of mean over text message, so I blocked her texts. Then she waited a week, changed her number, texted me some more and I blocked her again. Then she started calling a bunch and I finally answered. She told me that SS7, her and her boyfriend (that she cheated on me with) are moving in together. She told me that as long as I keep her texts blocked that she won't allow me to see SS7... .I hung up and emailed her and told her that I was no comfortable having her unblocked or communicating with her at all. I told her that I want to still see SS7, but would only want to go through exBPDw's mom for scheduling pick up times, etc. She responded quickly, saying that I was being dramatic and that with this, I would not be allowed to see SS7 again.

Moving on, today I got a call from the Humane Society that my ex had turned our dog back in. The same dog that, as we were first separating, I strongly suggested that we find a nice new home for him--to which she said that I was going to abandon him like I abandon everything else. I guess she decided not to bring the dog with her to her boyfriend's place... . 

Anyway, it's really rough that I'm basically forbidden from having a relationship with my SS7 and that the sweetest dog is being given away. I would take him if I had my own place, but I'm still staying with family. And now that my hands are tied, I feel like I should really move out of this state and get as far away from here as possible. I feel that getting away from here would be the best thing for me, but at the same time I feel really torn. Will exBPDw ever come around and realize, for her son's sake, that compromising with me a little would let him keep his father figure? Probably not. She seems to just use him as leverage to get me in her control. Should I stay here, get an apartment and get our dog back? Or should I just hope that some nice, stable family adopts him and gives him a better life than I could?

Sorry, just needed to vent this all out. Feeling pretty guilty and torn about a lot of this.

[Meili]

I'm sorry to hear that she's still putting you through all of that. 

I wish that I had some answers for your questions. Personally, if I could swing it, I'd get the dog back.

I am curious, what do you that moving out of state would gain you? Would you have a job, or find yourself unemployed and struggling even harder?

I will admit, I've toyed with the idea of leaving the state too so that I wouldn't have to worry about running into my x.

[thrownforaloop]

I'm sorry to hear that she's still putting you through all of that. 

I wish that I had some answers for your questions. Personally, if I could swing it, I'd get the dog back.

I am curious, what do you that moving out of state would gain you? Would you have a job, or find yourself unemployed and struggling even harder?

I will admit, I've toyed with the idea of leaving the state too so that I wouldn't have to worry about running into my x.

Thanks for the response, Meili!

I have family on the opposite end of the country who have offered to let me stay with them as I get back on my feet. My current job is becoming dull and, if not for all of this drama, I would be seeking a new job right now without question.

My thought process is this: In the other state, with a much bigger city, I can both advance my career and get out of the reach of my ex. I feel that she wouldn't try to contact me if I were completely out of reach and I also wouldn't have the pain of looking at places where we use to go together/fear seeing her in public, etc.

I've been staying with family so I don't have to sign a lease anywhere--I'm concerned that if I sign onto staying a certain amount of time right now, what if my ex suddenly starts ramping things up and making life harder for me? Then I would be trapped. I'm sort of afraid of her.

If I knew for certain that she would stop contacting me altogether going forward, I may consider quickly getting and apartment and getting our dog back... .but that would sort of trap me from moving on and trying to advance my career. Is that selfish?

What prevents you from moving?

[Meili]

No, it isn't selfish.

Of course, there are ways to cease all contact with your ex other than moving. Blocking all forms of communication being the easiest and cheapest. Moving into a new place where she doesn't know where you are, having a new phone number or blocking her number and email seems pretty simple (even though I know it really isn't).

Could you get the dog and move to the other side of the country with your family? 

I stay here in part because my daughter and granddaughter live semi close. But, the main reason is that I'm afraid to lose the security of the job that I've had for almost two decades. It isn't much of a job, but it pays the bills and is very secure. It's the only thing in my life that I feel that I can truly count on right now.

[joeramabeme]

And now that my hands are tied, I feel like I should really move out of this state and get as far away from here as possible. I feel that getting away from here would be the best thing for me, but at the same time I feel really torn. Will exBPDw ever come around and realize, for her son's sake, that compromising with me a little would let him keep his father figure? Probably not. She seems to just use him as leverage to get me in her control. Should I stay here, get an apartment and get our dog back? Or should I just hope that some nice, stable family adopts him and gives him a better life than I could?

Hey thrownforaloop, that is an awful lot to think through and you probably have a lot of feelings playing out while these considerations are being weighed.  Have you considered giving yourself a set period of time by which to make a decision?  Something that you can rationally say to yourself that after x I will make a decision.  In essence, postponing the decision until you are in a place where your intuitive voice is more grounded in the moment?

Also, what is your present r/s with SS7?  Are you seeing him at all?  Have you had any contact to know if he understands what is happening?  My assumption would be that part of your decision would be having a sense of understanding where he is at so that you could calibrate your actions, as best as possible, with his understanding.

Just my opinion.  I know these are delicate situations.

JRB

[thrownforaloop]

No, it isn't selfish.

Of course, there are ways to cease all contact with your ex other than moving. Blocking all forms of communication being the easiest and cheapest. Moving into a new place where she doesn't know where you are, having a new phone number or blocking her number and email seems pretty simple (even though I know it really isn't).

Could you get the dog and move to the other side of the country with your family? 

I stay here in part because my daughter and granddaughter live semi close. But, the main reason is that I'm afraid to lose the security of the job that I've had for almost two decades. It isn't much of a job, but it pays the bills and is very secure. It's the only thing in my life that I feel that I can truly count on right now.

Those are all good points, but I really think that moving would help me the most. I know it sounds pretty superficial, that changing locations wouldn't truly solve anything--but I think it'll help me forget much quicker. For instance, every morning when I drive to work, I see the hotel she stayed at while we were together for her birthday "girls night" in which she lied and was with guys, presumably cheating. Just a lot of bad memories, triggered from certain places.

And no, unfortunately the place I would be at on the other state doesn't allow dogs. Nor does the place I'm staying now. The only scenario where I could get him would be to get an apartment right here and now... .

That makes sense why you stay--family is so important, as is having a nice secure job. 

[thrownforaloop]

Hey thrownforaloop, that is an awful lot to think through and you probably have a lot of feelings playing out while these considerations are being weighed.  Have you considered giving yourself a set period of time by which to make a decision?  Something that you can rationally say to yourself that after x I will make a decision.  In essence, postponing the decision until you are in a place where your intuitive voice is more grounded in the moment?

Also, what is your present r/s with SS7?  Are you seeing him at all?  Have you had any contact to know if he understands what is happening?  My assumption would be that part of your decision would be having a sense of understanding where he is at so that you could calibrate your actions, as best as possible, with his understanding.

Just my opinion.  I know these are delicate situations.

JRB

Ever since exBPDw told me a couple weeks ago that SS7 is moving in with her and her boyfriend is when I decided that would probably never be a future in which I would have a long lasting relationship with SS7. It just seems so hopeless. Just that she's already going to be pushing another man on him as a father figure already, leads me to believe there really isn't enough hope to stay here. Maybe I'm just saying that to justify moving to myself? Who knows.

Either way, I feel like I've sort of made up my mind about leaving. Granted, it makes it harder on days like today where I hear that our dog was given back. But the more I think about it tonight, the more I think--gosh, he really will be better off with out me. I should probably take this time to get my life on track before being involved with other living creatures, haha.

As for my SS7, I haven't had much contact lately. He's with his grandma and she let him call me last week, but it was briefly. And if exBPDw found out, she would probably be upset at that. During the last phone conversation I had with her, she told me that she was going to tell her mother never to let SS7 talk to me or see me, so... .ugh. I really doubt that she has told him what is going on, since she doesn't seem to care very much about his feelings these days. I feel so bad for him and I love him so much... .but I think, knowing my exBPDw, she'll probably just leave him with her mom... .and he has a better chance at a happy childhood there, than with her.

[Meili]

Those are all good points, but I really think that moving would help me the most. I know it sounds pretty superficial, that changing locations wouldn't truly solve anything--but I think it'll help me forget much quicker. For instance, every morning when I drive to work, I see the hotel she stayed at while we were together for her birthday "girls night" in which she lied and was with guys, presumably cheating. Just a lot of bad memories, triggered from certain places.

I can completely relate to the thoughts that a change of location will help the healing process. I can't go anywhere without some memory of my x being attached to it. I even hate doing something as simple as going to the grocery store for fear of running into her and having to deal with the emotions that would create.

I do know that there is no quick fix however. I know that no matter where I live, every time I go to specific chain of store, I'll think of my time with her. Every time I see a specific chain of motel, I'll think of my time with her. Every time I see a vehicle like hers, I'll think of her. From that perspective, the change of location, for me, would amount to nothing more than running from my problem rather than facing it.

But, it sounds like you would have some additional benefits to moving, so that probably plays out completely differently.

[thrownforaloop]

I can completely relate to the thoughts that a change of location will help the healing process. I can't go anywhere without some memory of my x being attached to it. I even hate doing something as simple as going to the grocery store for fear of running into her and having to deal with the emotions that would create.

I do know that there is no quick fix however. I know that no matter where I live, every time I go to specific chain of store, I'll think of my time with her. Every time I see a specific chain of motel, I'll think of my time with her. Every time I see a vehicle like hers, I'll think of her. From that perspective, the change of location, for me, would amount to nothing more than running from my problem rather than facing it.

But, it sounds like you would have some additional benefits to moving, so that probably plays out completely differently.

It really is a shame that time is the only thing to get past the little things like that. You sound a lot stronger than I am to be able to stick around despite the hardship of facing memories.

[Meili]

What's funny is that I wouldn't call it strength at all. My x has taken almost everything from me. I am having to rebuild from scratch (which is actually a good thing because I can live the life that I want now). Part of the equation for me is that if I were to move, she'd have succeeded in completely devastating my world. I'd be giving up the last bit of stability that I have.

So, it isn't really strength as much as a refusal to give her that last bit of me.