The cycle & how to combat it

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Just looking for enlightenment on this one.

Ex & I have split a number of times before & got back together.  I now know this is all part of the cycle. In the past she has been resolute and said ‘no way, get out of my life’ and a year later she came back. She has also come back 6 months after calling me ugly and saying really hurtful things.

My guess is she has gone out, met people and hasn’t ‘clicked’. Then she misses me, realises we could have a future together and initiates contact.

At present in my mind I have a vision of her off out enjoying herself, being able to have any man she wants. But I know her as a person and she has often ended first dates abruptly because of something someone has said to her.

Two of my family have said she will try to get us back together again. One even gave me a timeframe. Hearing that is like two sides of a coin – delighted at the thought of her even wanting to re-unite, but also knowing I simply could not go through the hurt of the last 7 weeks again. It really has felt like a shock to the system, weight loss, look in the mirror & feel drained, almost like electrical circuits in my brain have fried!

What cycles have you seen in your relationships? Have you had your SO shout obscenities at you, then some time later want to love you? I’m just trying to gauge how you have approached this and what you did. At least then I will know more if she initiates suggestions of us being a couple.

Thanks

[seenr]

Just looking for enlightenment on this one.

Ex & I have split a number of times before & got back together.  I now know this is all part of the cycle. In the past she has been resolute and said ‘no way, get out of my life’ and a year later she came back. She has also come back 6 months after calling me ugly and saying really hurtful things.

My guess is she has gone out, met people and hasn’t ‘clicked’. Then she misses me, realises we could have a future together and initiates contact.

At present in my mind I have a vision of her off out enjoying herself, being able to have any man she wants. But I know her as a person and she has often ended first dates abruptly because of something someone has said to her.

Two of my family have said she will try to get us back together again. One even gave me a timeframe. Hearing that is like two sides of a coin – delighted at the thought of her even wanting to re-unite, but also knowing I simply could not go through the hurt of the last 7 weeks again. It really has felt like a shock to the system, weight loss, look in the mirror & feel drained, almost like electrical circuits in my brain have fried!

What cycles have you seen in your relationships? Have you had your SO shout obscenities at you, then some time later want to love you? I’m just trying to gauge how you have approached this and what you did. At least then I will know more if she initiates suggestions of us being a couple.

Thanks

[Leonis]

What cycles have you seen in your relationships? Have you had your SO shout obscenities at you, then some time later want to love you? I’m just trying to gauge how you have approached this and what you did. At least then I will know more if she initiates suggestions of us being a couple.

Thanks

Mine never shout obscenities at me, as in, she's never dropped the f bomb or something like that. As for the cycle, here's what happened since the major breakup mid-April: she ends things, but still keep relatively low contact. We have some form of physical intimacy and whatnot, she acts like a SO for a few days and back to "I'm cutting contact with you" again.

The way I handle it by this point is: whatever. She does whatever. I just act like "okay". Sounds terrible, but at this point, whatever she offers me is just little bonuses while I don't take her seriously.

[seenr]

Thanks Leonis.

It is good to hear how others behave in the same situation.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi seenr-

It seems you're in a place where she can do whatever she wants and if she comes back you'll take her, even though she's been disrespectful and abusive; you're giving her all the power.  Why is that?  I know why, we've all been there, holding onto the hope that things could be different, and sustainable,  and probably being in "love" with the version of her in your head, which is very different from the real her, yes?

So the right questions can help:

Do you trust her?

Does she treat you with respect?

Can she be someone you want to be with long-term and sustainably?

If the answer to those questions is no, and you put your serenity and wellbeing above all else, what would you do?

[woundedPhoenix]

Do you trust her?

Does she treat you with respect?

Can she be someone you want to be with long-term and sustainably?

If the answer to those questions is no, and you put your serenity and wellbeing above all else, what would you do?

Its the same as asking a junkie.

- Does the comedown make you feel great too?

- Is it good for your health?

- Is it something you can keep doing for the rest of your life?

And the junkie will find ways to avoid the questions.

We nons are often avoiding the answers to these questions,

cause in a way we are addicted to our BPD (ex)partner.



However unhealthy it may be, we still try to recapture that great initial love bomb.

So a 4rth question should be added:

Was the idealisation phase real, or just a fantasy

[C.Stein]

We are the ones who stop the cycle.  We are the ones who draw the line and say enough is enough.

It all comes down to respect.  When someone, anyone, doesn't treat you with respect then it is up to you to say enough is enough.  While my ex on some levels did treat me with respect, on the most important relationship levels she couldn't consistently do it.  So I have to ask myself, what does it matter if she treats me with respect some, or even most of the time, when there are times she doesn't and it has significant impact on both me emotionally and the health of the relationship?  The answer for me is it doesn't matter.  If she can't look out for my best interests and treat me with respect all the time then I don't have room for her in my life.  It is not OK in my book when someone you deeply love throws you under the bus, sacrificing your emotional well being for some petty need they might have, BPD or not.  

The other thing of course, as you have mentioned seenr, is the pain that comes with these cycles.  I don't want to live like that, to be in a never ending cycle of occasionally feeling good or great followed by an enormous amount of pain, despair and depression.

What do you think?

[seenr]

Do you trust her?

Does she treat you with respect?

Can she be someone you want to be with long-term and sustainably?

Was the idealisation phase real, or just a fantasy

Trust - fidelity wise only she placed a big emphasis on fidelity. Money, secrets, that I wouldn't be thrown out of the house over the smallest row, no, no trust at all.

Respect - she would say yes. I say no. The only way she showed respect was to clean and cook. She regularly described herself as being like a 'Stepford Wife' and used the cooking and cleaning to justify getting angry 'look at all I do for you and this is how you treat me'. She would also say many things to me until I reacted with one and then claim I was abusive.

Long term - would love to be with her, but is there sustainability? I really don't think so. Too many fractured relationships in love & life for it not to be an issue on her side.

Idealisation phase - well after 8 years, she was still the one coming back to me 7 years in saying she still loved me. I really don't know.

I do appreciate all your replies and yes, I am like an addict. I hate what it is like in the aftermath of the split. I feel broken, lonely, sad, it is all down to her & I being together. One minute engaged & planning to buy a house. Next minute shown the door. And this has happened now 3-4 times. It needs to stop.

[rfriesen]

I do appreciate all your replies and yes, I am like an addict. I hate what it is like in the aftermath of the split. I feel broken, lonely, sad, it is all down to her & I being together. One minute engaged & planning to buy a house. Next minute shown the door. And this has happened now 3-4 times. It needs to stop.

The fact that you recognise this means that it will sink in at some point. Believe me, I understand putting that point off, just blocking out what you already know and carrying on for the sake of a few more highs. You can't really force it -- the realisation will sink in when it does. My ex and I recycled a few times and I still struggle with moments when I miss the high, but bit by bit acceptance sinks in, together with a lot of pain and self-examination, and then slowly with moments of looking forward to a future free of the highs and lows. I think I'll always miss the intense highs -- but eventually it will be the way I miss high school parties or grade school gym class ... .distant memories of times that were often wonderful, exciting, fun, but that would be ridiculous to try to recreate now that I'm in my late 30s. In fact, coming out of this relationship has made me realise I was stuck in a kind of college mentality. Maybe it's just that the stress of being with my ex aged me a decade or two! But I feel it's moving me on to another stage of life. I could fight it and try to relive the wild manic relationship I had with my ex, or I can grow into a more stable, more contented, and more mature part of life. At least that's how I feel in my more clear-sighted and hopeful moments these days ... .

[seenr]

Very well put.

The thing is I think she may try to come back and I need to be ready for it. I have done a lot of self examination in the weeks since the split and realise that I gave up 2, possibly 3 lovely ladies to be with ladies from the past whom I knew. In 2010, i was apart from my BPDEx and met up with a friend who I was thinking of asking out. I had a lovely evening with her, paid for dinner and she was embarrassed to have me pay for it. I thought 'I'm definitely going to ask her out now' but couldn't pull the trigger. It was as though guilt and pregnancy with the BPDEx kept me hooked. Then the BPDEx did come back and we rekindled. I'm trying to mentally get to a place that if she does come back, I can simply say no. Right now thinking of her being intimate with anyone else hurts, it is like a dagger in the heart. But I also know that anyone who gets into a relationship with her will suffer as the people previously have done.

Like you - I want a happy future and part of me thinks is it just ego on my part that she rejected me. In the past I have thought 'it surely has to be easier than this' but I put her happiness before mine and I've allowed her claims about me to make me doubt myself. I want to be happy and feel like I deserve to be. I also want to model strong and solid relationship values to me Son as I cannot foresee his Mum modelling that for him at all.

The fact that you recognise this means that it will sink in at some point. Believe me, I understand putting that point off, just blocking out what you already know and carrying on for the sake of a few more highs. You can't really force it -- the realisation will sink in when it does. My ex and I recycled a few times and I still struggle with moments when I miss the high, but bit by bit acceptance sinks in, together with a lot of pain and self-examination, and then slowly with moments of looking forward to a future free of the highs and lows. I think I'll always miss the intense highs -- but eventually it will be the way I miss high school parties or grade school gym class ... .distant memories of times that were often wonderful, exciting, fun, but that would be ridiculous to try to recreate now that I'm in my late 30s. In fact, coming out of this relationship has made me realise I was stuck in a kind of college mentality. Maybe it's just that the stress of being with my ex aged me a decade or two! But I feel it's moving me on to another stage of life. I could fight it and try to relive the wild manic relationship I had with my ex, or I can grow into a more stable, more contented, and more mature part of life. At least that's how I feel in my more clear-sighted and hopeful moments these days ... .

[fromheeltoheal]

So there you go, no trust, no respect, no sustainability; in that light the choice is clear yes?

I do appreciate all your replies and yes, I am like an addict. I hate what it is like in the aftermath of the split. I feel broken, lonely, sad, it is all down to her & I being together. One minute engaged & planning to buy a house. Next minute shown the door. And this has happened now 3-4 times. It needs to stop.

Yes, that's a common experience around here, mistaking that addict-like urge for love.  Real love feels warm and mellow, not urgent and chaotic, and one of the gifts of the relationship can be the motivation to dig and see where that urge comes from; it was there long before you met her, she's just triggering it.  And focusing on that will help in shifting the focus from her to you yes?

[Mr Orange]

Really feel for you bro. I know just how freaking awful this can feel. I think fromheeltoheal really mad a strong point. BPD relationships are very much like a drug. You feel adored on a level you have never felt in your life in the early stages, and to a degree when going through a (usually brief) period of things being good. We are humans and we all want to feel loved, so to feel love that strong, where the person sees you as flawless and treats you as if you have made them whole, who wouldn't get wrapped up in that? Thing is, like fromheeltoheal pointed out, that's not how real lasting love works. So it really is a lot like taking a drug. That strong, euphoric, initial high will ultimately dissipate over time. You'll always be trying to get back to that first amazing feeling, but you won't be able to. I believe junkies call it "chasing the dragon". Through my experience with my wife who I'm separated from, I feel like I've gotten clarity and have a better understanding of what real love is like. Keep in my mind, this is just my opinion. It's not the intense infatuation maxed out to level 10 where you're love bombing each other with texts and everything is just operating at the highest level it possibly could. It develops over time. You grow to love someone. You find out things that make them who they are as a person, and that makes you love them even more. I can't speak for you, but I feel in my situation my wife loved me simply because she saw me as a kind and empathetic person who would take care of her. She doesn't find any of my interests fascinating, or ask me deep questions that demonstrate a desire to continue knowing me on a deeper level.

As for the cycle you're in, obviously you have to decide if you want to keep going through this up and down roller coaster ride. It seems to me that BPD's almost have a sixth sense for knowing when you've truly had enough, and that's usually when you get that text or call from them after a long period of silence. It really feels like they know when you're hoping they'll reach out to you or show interest, and so they don't. No factual basis for this, it's just been my experience and a lot of what I've read with others seems to support this. Maybe a lifetime of developing maladaptive coping mechanisms sharpens their senses to the point where they always know where we're at. If you feel on some level that you hope she'll come back, she likely knows or senses that. Which is probably why she's off doing her own thing. It's when they sense you are truly done with them that you'll find them suddenly making desperate attempts to win you back. I can't say this is across the board, but I believe it is pretty common. I haven't experienced the pain of being replaced, but if they find someone else then at that point you deciding you've moved on is less likely to affect them.

Most times in the months prior to our separation where I've been disrespected as you have (shouting, profanity, etc) I'd just say, "I'm not listening to this" and walk away, or go for a drive. There was almost never an apology. I would go into my walled off place and after a day or two she would act as if nothing happened, or she would go through periods of shame over her actions and find other things to act out over. Being in a marriage though, we haven't really had break-up/make-up cycles so I probably can't offer insight as to how to deal with that, or how it plays out. My general feeling though is that they know when you're over it, and that's when they come around. So long as they sense you still wanting them, it seems they like to continue to go silent and ignore you.

I hope you find some peace man. Only you can decide what to do. Keep posting though because getting the feelings out at least helps process the emotions.

Peace,

Orange

[once removed]

The thing is I think she may try to come back and I need to be ready for it.

in my experience, you will be ready for it when you shift your focus from this possibility to your future. easier said than done, i know.

a lot of these relationships are spent anticipating what we perceive as cycles and trying to get a step or more ahead of them which tends to pay diminishing returns. not surprising then that we spend time after them anticipating what happens next, what they will or wont do; something we have no power over and limited if any ability to predict.

for me it started as thinking she may try to come back. eventually it shifted to i was just certain she would contact me, eventually (how long was i willing to wait?). what actually happened was totally anti climatic, and not anything i needed to be prepared for or respond to.

she may try to come back, but if your focus is spent on anticipating it, its likely youll remain in a state of anxiety and rumination about the possibilities and be caught off guard when/if it happens.

[Rayban]

What cycles have you seen in your relationships? Have you had your SO shout obscenities at you, then some time later want to love you? I’m just trying to gauge how you have approached this and what you did. At least then I will know more if she initiates suggestions of us being a couple.

Thanks

Mine never shout obscenities at me, as in, she's never dropped the f bomb or something like that. As for the cycle, here's what happened since the major breakup mid-April: she ends things, but still keep relatively low contact. We have some form of physical intimacy and whatnot, she acts like a SO for a few days and back to "I'm cutting contact with you" again.

The way I handle it by this point is: whatever. She does whatever. I just act like "okay". Sounds terrible, but at this point, whatever she offers me is just little bonuses while I don't take her seriously.

Lived through the exact same thing. Went through the devaluation stage where the emotional abuse was amped, and this eventually led to a breakup. This was followed by a week to ten days where we wouldn't speak, and then she would initiate contact. This would lead to us meeting up, sleeping together, get into another argument, and then the silent treatment.

At this point I knew fully well about her disorder and that a LT relationship with her was toxic and that logic would dictate that I should stay away. I didn't. I thought I could handle remaining in contact and seeing her once in awhile without it affecting me.

Boy was I wrong. She would use these opportunities to make me feel guilty, and blame me for everything that was wrong with our ''relationship''  It just made things worse. Instead of moving forward, I was just sinking deeper. I knew I was being used. I realized that the only reason that she would call me, is that there was probably no one else available. That's the role she wanted for me. I was to be happy when she called on me, and in the mean time she would probably literally be doing the town. It had nothing to do with loving me, or missing me. I was just another option. A number among many.

It sank in one morning when I ran into her at work. She just walked in with a pony tail, chapped lips, and beard burn on her chin. All things I would notice when I would leave her place early in the morning to go to work. Except I wasn't the one to sleep with her the night before. We had been broken up less the 3 days when this happened.

Ill answer the questions cause It's just one more reason why I should stay away from her for good.


Do you trust her? No I don't. Everything led to her not being faithful to me. Caught her many lies.

Does she treat you with respect? She flirted with other men right in front of my face, talked down to me, smeared me. No she didn't respect me.

Can she be someone you want to be with long-term and sustainably? She sees no reason to change. Sometimes I think she likes her condition. She is enabled and self aware. No indication of ever changing. moments of glory for hours of pain. Long term I want to be with someone who makes me happy.

[kc sunshine]

what did happen onceremoved?

The thing is I think she may try to come back and I need to be ready for it.

in my experience, you will be ready for it when you shift your focus from this possibility to your future. easier said than done, i know.

a lot of these relationships are spent anticipating what we perceive as cycles and trying to get a step or more ahead of them which tends to pay diminishing returns. not surprising then that we spend time after them anticipating what happens next, what they will or wont do; something we have no power over and limited if any ability to predict.

for me it started as thinking she may try to come back. eventually it shifted to i was just certain she would contact me, eventually (how long was i willing to wait?). what actually happened was totally anti climatic, and not anything i needed to be prepared for or respond to.

she may try to come back, but if your focus is spent on anticipating it, its likely youll remain in a state of anxiety and rumination about the possibilities and be caught off guard when/if it happens.