Do you ever feel like you are trying to keep all of your emotions bottled up? I have moments where I want to cry, but I just won't let myself... .(I don't have time, don't want to mess up my makeup, don't want people to see)... .then sometimes it just slips out and I can't help it. Very frustrating... .makes me wonder if they feel a little like this? Not necessarily sad, but maybe angry... .who knows. I am so mixed up emotionally. I feel free, happy, relieved, renewed yet still sad at times. I just have to sit still and alone sometimes and let myself cry... .
These aren't your typical breakups. Dealing with the aftermath of a failed BPD relationship is traumatic. So there's the some very real symptoms of shock involved. On the one hand we're free of the abuse, stress and anxiety of these relationships and on the other hand we're still trying to physically and mentally process what happened to us. So emotionally, we're a little unpredictable.
I can go to bed feeling ok and wake up at 4am in a panic, searching for my wife, worried about where she is. I can arrive at work feeling chipper and then an hour later be on my knees in my office crying. I'll get on the elevator on the first floor feeling fine and by the 5th floor I'm enveloped in sadness, missing my wife. It's a real roller coaster of grief, sadness and relief. Positive feelings and negative feelings. Whew.
I refuse to bottle up my feelings. I'm going to feel them, let them wash through me and then let them go. From what I've read it gets better with time. I'm ready for the sorrow and grief to be gone, but I'm not going to rush it.
I hope you start feeling better.
