Emotional blackmail and Distortion campaign

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all.

I read that sometimes something traumatic has to happen before we make large changes in our lives.

Let's just say I am experiencing challenges with my ex/partner who was diagnosed with Bpd a few months ago. Our relationship has been very stormy with all the typical stuff.  Rage manipulation and everything on top of that. Just to compound the issue I am a typical codependent who enables her BPD and I am also apologetic and ready to give in to her demands which only makes things more difficult. Right now she is waging a Distortion campaign against me where she has convinced her therapist and close friend that I have sexually assaulted her during our relationship. After I broke up with her this information has to light. I work in the vulnerable sector so she is threatening to go to the police if I do not continue to see her and work towards a strong long term commitment. I'm scared and listless and it's effecting my work. I have thought about restraining orders I've called the police and they say they can't help me until she calls them. Im also an introvert with a small social circle but I am being supported by my family and my best friend who she discredits. Last night I tried a new tactic where I asked to speak to her mother and her therapist but she was quite evasive. I have also got the ball rolling in my own therapy (she has projected her mental illness) on to me and has been trying to convince me for months that I am mentally ill. That therapy doesn't start until mid August. Should I just wait until therapy or should I cut ties and let my life unravel before my eyes?

That's only a small bit. Maybe I should start writing a book.

Sincerely,

Codependent and lost

[russelc]

Hello all.

I read that sometimes something traumatic has to happen before we make large changes in our lives.

Let's just say I am experiencing challenges with my ex/partner who was diagnosed with Bpd a few months ago. Our relationship has been very stormy with all the typical stuff.  Rage manipulation and everything on top of that. Just to compound the issue I am a typical codependent who enables her BPD and I am also apologetic and ready to give in to her demands which only makes things more difficult. Right now she is waging a Distortion campaign against me where she has convinced her therapist and close friend that I have sexually assaulted her during our relationship. After I broke up with her this information has to light. I work in the vulnerable sector so she is threatening to go to the police if I do not continue to see her and work towards a strong long term commitment. I'm scared and listless and it's effecting my work. I have thought about restraining orders I've called the police and they say they can't help me until she calls them. Im also an introvert with a small social circle but I am being supported by my family and my best friend who she discredits. Last night I tried a new tactic where I asked to speak to her mother and her therapist but she was quite evasive. I have also got the ball rolling in my own therapy (she has projected her mental illness) on to me and has been trying to convince me for months that I am mentally ill. That therapy doesn't start until mid August. Should I just wait until therapy or should I cut ties and let my life unravel before my eyes?

That's only a small bit. Maybe I should start writing a book.

Sincerely,

Codependent and lost

[seenr]

hi russelc

I was accused of assaulting my own son a few weeks ago. I was scared of going to court until I got the courage to speak to my lawyer & he said I should pursue more access to my son. The similarity here is that if her claim is completely unfounded I don't think you have anything to worry about. I understand the shock and hurt that would happen if this allegation became public but if she has zero evidence then why should you be afraid?

Is there anything she can point to as evidence? If not, then going NC as you suggest could be the way forward.

[russelc]

Thank you for your reply.

We gave engaged in some sexual activities that can be perceived as assault . For each time I asked for consent and it was given to me. She even got mad at me once for not doing it. That's the issue here. Is it time to talk to a lawyer?

[Naughty Nibbler]

 HEY russelc:

Sorry for the cirumstances that bring you here.  How long ago did you initiate the break up?

It might give you some peace of mind right now to search for, interview and decide on a choice for a lawyer.  Some of them will offer up an initial short meeting/interview to discuss the basics of your situation, their fee structure, etc.  Probably best to know the best legal defensive measures sooner versus later.  I had to acquire a lawyer recently to deal with my uBPD sister in a co-trustee situation (she lawyered up first).

I am also apologetic and ready to give in to her demands which only makes things more difficult.

It can be important to establish firm boundaries.

Here are some links to info about boundaries:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

That's only a small bit. Maybe I should start writing a book.

Documenting and writing out everything can be therapeutic and can help you deal with things, while you wait to start therapy.  It might seem like you are writing a book, but it can be both therapeutic and some of it could serve as documentation for legal defense, should it be needed.

You probably want to document all communications with your ex, as if you have to go to court. (a CYA file). Plan for the worst and hope for the best.  You might want to record voice conversations with her.  :)epending on where you live, voice recordings may or may not be admissible in court, but it can be good to have the recording as an aid to transcribe into written form.

I'm scared and listless and it's effecting my work.

What have you done in the past to ease your anxiety?

Exercise can be beneficial (fast walk, run, workout, etc.).  I used to work for a large aerospace company.  I found it beneficial to go for a walk during my lunch time.  It can be a matter of walking up and down stairs, walking inside or outside the perimeter of a building or walking around the block where you work. While you walk, try to practice some informal mindfulness (notice the things around you, what you see, what you smell, what you hear - while squashing all other thoughts).  I used to walk by a drive-through burger place. As I passed, I could smell the burgers cooking.  In my mind, I think back to a time in the distant past:  At the beach, laying on a towel in the sand, feeling the warm sun and a little breeze and the smell of burgers cooking at a beach side  hamburger stand.  I took a little vacation in my mind.

Should I just wait until therapy or should I cut ties and let my life unravel before my eyes?

Sounds like a tough decision to make right now. If you decide to defer going "no contact" (NC), one choice could be to limit contact (LC) and ease your way into NC during therapy.  One communication technique that can be helpful is Medium Chill, at the link below:

MEDIUM CHILL LINK   

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114204.0

There are a lot of helpful tutorials here.  A good place to start is to learn about FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) and then check out some of the communication tutorials.  

FOG = Fear, Obligation and Guilt

   https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

COMMUNICATIONS OVERVIEW   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

There are a lot of helpful people here and helpful information.  Check out some of the links and come back for further discussion and/or help when you put some tools into practice.

[Rayban]

I read that sometimes something traumatic has to happen before we make large changes in our lives.

I sympathize with you russelc and it's frightening when we realize just how mentally ill they are. I think this could be a blessing in disguise in that it should be a catalyzer into going full NC with her. I believe that facing the fire will be worth getting rid of this person from your life. What evidence does she have? AS for the distortion campaign, people who don't know her or even some of those who do, will eventually realize that she is the one that is disordered. Stay close to friends and family, get help from a T, AND JUST MOVE ON FROM HER.

[russelc]

Thank you everyone for the support. I will spending time this weekend possibly setting up a lawyer and looking at these resources

It's nice to know I'm not alone

[JerryRG]

Hello russelc

My BPDgf told her new bf I raped her early on in our relationship, this was suppose to be in April, we were engaged in June and she was pregnant in July. She never brought this up during the time we were together. In my case my exgf is using me to be victim to her bf. According to my exgf I am somewhere between #6 to #9 who have attacked her. I'm sure none are real.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this and you're not alone. These people are sick and will do and say anything to further their own agenda with no regard for us or themselves.

[unsureuncertain]

Try to keep your conversations and interactions in writing so there is a trail. I would even ask why she wants a relationship with if she thinks you are such a bad person?

[leew2110]

I too found out after 10 year together that she told my replacement that i had attempted to rape her a few times.

this seems to be a pattern for them & a way to be the victim to people.

i am that disgusted with the things she has said about me that i never want to see her again.

Anyone that can make up lies of that magnitude is not only mentally ill, but extremely dangerous.

It kills me thinking she has told someone that and they may believe it.

so I do feel for anyone thats had the same vile accusation as it can deeply hurt and cause fear that people could think you capable of such a thing.

[WishIKnew82]

Yes, don't delete anything. Keep your emails, texts and any other writing or communication you have of her. You need to expect the unexpected and they can be very vengeful. Extremely. I never thought my ex would act the way he acted towards the end but I sure am glad I have a million of his emails where he is acting horribly. That gives me something to fall back on in case he comes back wanting his revenge. I need evidence even though I don't want to be that person but they can truly destroy you if they feel like you deserve it. No contact and cut all ties. That is what I did went things were going downhill fast. You have no choice. They don't have any sense of bounderies. And can't comprehend 'going too far'. When they feel you deserve something, there is no going too far for them.