Considering NC or something close

[nyartgal]

I came on here after a couple years and just reread my first and only post and I am blown away at how I am back in the exact situation: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=220367.0;topicseen

Now, two years later, I am also very pregnant again, and my Mom is going off the rails again. The difference is that the last year and a half has been very difficult, with a whole slew of stressful problems mostly outside of my control, not least was my father suddenly being diagnosed with a giant pancreatic tumor exactly a year ago and dying in October, and my stepmother subsequently stealing my and my brother's inheritance, banning us from his memorial service and not letting us have anything of his other than some photos of us as kids and an old shirt. She even has his ashes. So yeah, my Dad, excellent taste in women! Thanks, Dad.

My husband and I are also having huge financial problems which my Mom has repeatedly offered to help with and then "forget" her offer. Finally we were in such dire straights recently that with nowhere else to turn I asked her to fulfill her promise, which she did, grudgingly. She talks constantly about the money she is going to leave me, but between her madness and what my stepmother did to us, I doubt I'll ever see a penny.

She also sold her apartment without telling me after years of threatening to move away, and then in an about face moved closer to me in order to "help" with our now two year old daughter. In reality, she is 78 with serious heart problems and my stepfather is 80 and starting to get really old, for example he can't drive anymore and falls asleep all the time, seems confused or off in space. She keeps saying how she moved closer "for me" and if it weren't for me she would be elsewhere. They are not able to babysit in any kind of helpful way, really all they can do is visit and even then they cause more stress and work than they save us.

I never asked her to move period, I thought she should stay in her apartment. But when she said she was moving, basically to pressure me into begging her to stay, I told her I thought that moving far away was a terrible idea for many logistical reasons, but if that was what she needed to be happy than I would support her. I did NOT ask her to stay though I told her it made more sense. Ultimately, she did.

Now she is sending me attack emails almost every day about one thing or another, really anything. I have told her repeatedly that I am going through a really rough time, that I am incredibly stressed, etc etc, yet she keeps kicking me knowing I'm so down. She accuses me of things that make no sense and shows zero empathy for my sadness, stress or situation. To her I have no subjective experience of the relationship. It's like I only exist to feed her ego and read the script she's written and if I don't I'm a terrible person who must be punished and bullied into doing what she wants. EFF THAT.

I guess my question is, when is enough, enough? I really am so down about my Dad dying and other things, I can't take any more abuse from anyone. I need to be around people who support me right now, not people like her or my stepmother who kick me right when I'm hurting the most.

However, I am about to give birth in August to our second child and I'm not sure how to navigate this. I feel like she is at this moment completely toxic yet I don't want to make it even worse. Of course being BPD her biggest fear is abandonment, and she feels I am abandoning her regardless of what I do. Yet I am the only person left who even has any kind of real relationship with her, no one else talks to her anymore except for those few people who communicate with her solely by occasional email.

Any thoughts or advice about what to do would be greatly appreciated!

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY  nyartgal 

Welcome back to BPD Family

Congrats on the upcoming 2nd baby! Sorry that your mom is making things difficult for you.  No time is a good time to have challenges with a BPD, but it has to be extra stressful for you now.

Now she is sending me attack emails almost every day about one thing or another, really anything. I have told her repeatedly that I am going through a really rough time, that I am incredibly stressed, etc etc, yet she keeps kicking me knowing I'm so down. She accuses me of things that make no sense and shows zero empathy for my sadness, stress or situation. To her I have no subjective experience of the relationship. It's like I only exist to feed her ego and read the script she's written and if I don't I'm a terrible person who must be punished and bullied into doing what she wants. EFF THAT.

Can you set some BOUNDARIES with her in regard to emails.  One way to approach that is to have her emails go automatically into a special folder.  That way, you won't see them every day and you could perhaps defer thinking about them until you want to, perhaps one day a week (or whatever you want).

My husband and I are also having huge financial problems which my Mom has repeatedly offered to help with and then "forget" her offer. Finally we were in such dire straights recently that with nowhere else to turn I asked her to fulfill her promise, which she did, grudgingly.

Was there some agreement made regarding repayment? 

However, I am about to give birth in August to our second child and I'm not sure how to navigate this. I feel like she is at this moment completely toxic yet I don't want to make it even worse. Of course being BPD her biggest fear is abandonment, and she feels I am abandoning her regardless of what I do.

Information at these links on COMMUNICATIONS and FOG might be helpful.

"Medium Chill" is one technique you might consider using:

What I've read about Medium Chill is:

Tell them nothing, ask them nothing and offer vacuous pleasantries

You are detached

You are emotionally disassociated or indifferent

Never share personal information about yourself

Never get involved with their drama/problems

When they try to pick a fight, deflect, show no interest and no response.  The technique is very similar to the old advice to "play dead" with an attacking vear.

I read about a technique similar to Medium Chill, called "Robot Mode". Robot mode is supposed to be used only as a defense tactic, if you are in the presence of someone who is raging and you can't get away from them. You might want to Google "Robot Mode Narcissist".  It is presented for use with Narcissists, but the skill might come in handy with a raging BPD.  In a nutshell, you are using a technique to NOT react or get angry.  It was suggested that you appear attentive, but you are actually showing no emotion or reaction, because you are studying them for a police lineup, .  You observe/study their hair, clothing, shoes, jewelry, etc.  Focus on other things so not to show emotions. 

More on MEDIUM CHILL, with 7 pages of discussion.

This might find this helpful

Read over some of the info. a step at a time and see if something referenced is useful to you.  Come back and chat about it and don't hesitate to ask questions.  There are a lot of helpful people her to support you.

[nyartgal]

Thanks for your response. Read the whole medium chill thread and I have been using a version of that for some time. Unfortunately, it has some negative side effects. My mom very much wants to know about my life and if I don't tell her things she finds ways of cornering my H and dig him for information. She even asks my friends what's going on with me. Me not telling her things adds to her abandonment paranoia.

I do try to remain basically pleasant but relatively impersonal with her on most topics. With her move I did finally tell her how crazy I thought her "plan" was (there was no plan) and why. This was after YEARS of getting nonstop propaganda about this place she wanted to move, including several emails a day with links to restaurant menus etc in a place I will never go.

Recently I told her to stop cc-ing me on her correspondence with other people. Some of which may have some kind of tangential meaning to me but often has zero to do with me. She also likes to send me selfies of her in different outfits when she goes out at night which she sends via group emails to the few remaining "friends" she has, who just enable her narcissism with cheering and adulation.

For many years when she would rant and rave I would actually put the phone down and go do the dishes, clean the house, check my email etc. I did also tell her at one point that I delete all her crazy emails without reading them, so if she wants to keep sending them she is welcome to, but I will never read them. Truthfully, I should have done the same with the ones lately, I should know better at this point. But on some level I think I needed to be reminded of her total self-absorption and lack of empathy (unless she is trying to "show" her empathy, in which case she demonstrates it in an over the top way which is all show and no substance). I've realized lately that I have had a LOT of extremely self-absorbed people in my life, most of whom I've gotten rid of at this point. My therapist refers to much of their behavior as "pathological narcissism," which sounds about right.

I think I'm pretty good at maintaining boundaries----if I weren't, we would have no relationship at all. The problem is the more I pull away the more she attacks me. I never know when it's coming, how bad it will be, and for what reason. Well, she attacks me regardless but pulling away just triggers worse.

I'm struggling with frankly having the patience or energy to be involved in any way with her roller coaster cycle of moods, anger, volatility, love, affection, etc. Even with Medium Chill you still have to experience their crap.

I can't express enough that I feel extremely, extremely beaten down and demoralized from other areas of my life right now, plus super pregnant. When things are good I can handle her well enough, but at this moment I feel like I absolutely cannot take another source of stress, pain, or negativity.

Is there a way to pull back even more from an NPD without aggravating their abandonment paranoia?

[Fie]

Hello Nyartgal  

Congratulations with the new baby coming !

Being a child of a BPD mum, I know all about feeling FOG. And in a lot of cases we also love our parents - or we would never put up with their abuse.

But still,

Is there a way to pull back even more from an NPD without aggravating their abandonment paranoia

Is there a specific reason for you to keep your mum in your life for now ? Especially now your new child is on the way, and you need all your energy to focus on yourself and your family ?

Is your mum an asset to  your life ? To the life of the rest of your family ?

And to answer your question in the quote above, I think the answer to your question above is 'no'. You can not pull back without triggering their abandonment issues. But then again, you can also not 'not pull back' without triggering those same issues. They will always be  triggered.

Some weeks ago I also posted on this site asking for tips whether to go NC or not. Someone told me that NC does not have  to be forever. That sounded very liberating to me. I can do NC for some months, for a year, ... .for just as long as I need to have a mind stable enough  to handle the distress. If I would want that.

[nyartgal]

That's very interesting, thanks. You make a very good point about her being triggered regardless of what I do. Did you tell your mother you were going NC or did you just stop communicating with her?

[Fie]

Did you tell your mother you were going NC or did you just stop communicating with her?

The contact was  low already (their choice. They tend  to keep family at a distance except for my sister.). So it is more kind of a decision for me only to make the contact even less. I don't know if they even noticed.

I am also doing it for my daughter, not only for myself. At first I desperately tried to have my parents in my life, to make sure my daughter has grandparents. Now I'm realizing she does not need grandparents who don't care about her,  and who also only cause turmoil. Also I notice that I am not in a good  mood when I'm meeting my family. So those feelings naturally rub off on my daughter, who does not deserve that.  She needs a happy mum.

Of course sometimes I feel bad about not having good parents / grandparents for my daughter. It can get pretty lonely too. But I prefer that over the dysfunction.

I certainly won't tell my parents that I choose NC. Some time ago I  wrote an email to my parents describing my feelings throughout my childhood, and telling my mum I think she has BPD. I know that  a lot of people think it's a bad idea to confront someone with the fact that you think they have BPD. But in my case  it was important to let them  know how I felt (without anger), just to be able to feel like an adult, not a powerless child anymore. I wanted to let them know that I was not ok anymore to pretend that we had a normal loving family. I wanted out. Also I did not feel I had anything to loose, there was LC already. I felt relieved after having written that email. Did it do damage ? In a way for the relationship with my parents, yes. But it was bad already. For my self esteem,  it was one of the best things that I have ever done in my life. I still feel proud that I did it, and also that I could write it in a really calm way without blame.

I think generally there is no reason to tell someone with BPD you want NC - unless if it would make you feel better for any reason. Then I would say, go ahead. You deserve to feel good. But if you would do it only so your mum would know where she stands, I personally would just loosely go NC without mentioning it. I think making it explicit  would only make her panicky and angry, so she will start  pushing and pulling again.

Don't forget that your mum is not the most important person in your life. YOU are. Next are your children and your husband.