Email from BPD mom

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello, I posted last week about how to proceed with my BPD mom and received some nice advice. I lashed out and told her a lot of things I have kept to myself my whole life, and blocked her. Now I have received the following email, and I feel so confused. I don't know if it's FOG or if I actually am a horrible ungrateful person. I thought maybe someone not close to me could tell me if I'm just too easily offended and overly sensitive:

"I have given a little time before writing this and I hope you have enough respect for me that you will read it. A lot of what you said felt like a knife going in my heart rather you care or not its true. I love N (my 6yo son) with all my heart and I do love hearing his stories and knowing what he is thinking and doing. It is NOT a fair statement to say I am disinterested in him its very untrue. We did leave his birthday party early (she left after an hour and demanded N open his present before she left) You had nothing  to do with us just visiting your friends. We sat alone and a few times we saw N run by playing we aren't going to pull him away from friends at his party to spend alone time with him. That was the reason we came early.  You are so quick to judge me even when you don't know all the facts.

I am tired of taking the blame for everything in yours and your brothers  lives. You are adults and it's no longer my job to tell you what to do. When you were 16 you went thru something that in the end I knew you would suffer with. I had been there and the fact is I wanted you to have a choice consequences or not it was important cause I didn't have that with mine. I wish like hell I would have been there for you and support you  being selfish I was truly ill with no sleep over two weeks any dr could tell you I could have died. You have known me your whole life I don't stay anywhere for a whole day, it's not you or my grandkids its something I NEED to work on. You have never walked in my shoes as I did not walk in yours. I love you so much but I think we both have fears each other will get hurt so we keep pulling away so we don't have to feel the rejection. I cant get your childhood back if we could turn back the hands of time I would have done things different.  My heart bleeds  the same as everyone else and when you slice my heart it hurts even more. My goal for my kids were they live there own childhood and make all the memories they could to be good. As I did not know you both had issues that I was to blind to see and reaching out to someone to get your needs met. (I think she means a therapist?) I feel sorry and sad that I did that to you... .

The last few years I have tried to make it up but I still keep failing cause its never what you need or want.  The night you overdosed and Your husband found you do you know who was up all night trying to figure out how to raise $5000 to get you to Arizona? You were 30 years old it wasn't my job but it was my heart you were hurting far beyond what we could do for you. I would have taken out a mortgage on my property if that's what it took. Even after all the things you said to me on the phone saying it was my fault. I am a mom and unconditional love is what I have. You are not five years old throwing a tantrum cause you are mad at me. You are an adult who needs to take accountability for the choices you have made and for the damage you have done. When I am around you I always feel I will do or say something wrong. I don't have to have a degree to love someone with all my heart  I wish I could know why you said my MOTHER was evil. How in the world did you say that and what is the meaning behind it.  When I think about my mom I think about the hardships she faced childhood and adulthood. She wasn't the best mom in the world but it is my place to forgive her or deny forgivenss cause what she did to me is my fight not yours. I can not make you love me and I certainly don't want nor do I need your pitty nor make you or N feel love for me out of guilt. If I end a relationship, it's because it is toxic something as gone terribly wrong with things and I don't choose to be a part of it. It is my right and my choice its not done in fun and games. BUt I also have that choice to open the door back up or not. worked really hard to give you and your brother all the things I never hadbut the most I wanted you to have was a love and bond unbroken and it seems that happened anyway.  did everythimg you guiys wanted me to do. I was at every football game every theater production every award ceremony involved in your school (NOT true! She complained about having to go every time!) I thought I was on the right track. But if you get one thing from this it is this. Every parent does there best with all they know and not any of us is perfect. But its those who try the hardest are the ones who get mud slung at them. Ypou will not hear of any of my imaginary health issues, they will be between dad and I. Is going to take some time to get thru this, its not an attack from a 5 year old it's my 34 year old (I'm NOT 34!) I do love you and I love N and if you choose to take that away from me I'm sorry.


I added some things in parentheses, but I understand a lot of it is hard to read. I can explain anything that's unclear, though some of it I don't even know what she meant.

[slanie]

Hello, I posted last week about how to proceed with my BPD mom and received some nice advice. I lashed out and told her a lot of things I have kept to myself my whole life, and blocked her. Now I have received the following email, and I feel so confused. I don't know if it's FOG or if I actually am a horrible ungrateful person. I thought maybe someone not close to me could tell me if I'm just too easily offended and overly sensitive:

"I have given a little time before writing this and I hope you have enough respect for me that you will read it. A lot of what you said felt like a knife going in my heart rather you care or not its true. I love N (my 6yo son) with all my heart and I do love hearing his stories and knowing what he is thinking and doing. It is NOT a fair statement to say I am disinterested in him its very untrue. We did leave his birthday party early (she left after an hour and demanded N open his present before she left) You had nothing  to do with us just visiting your friends. We sat alone and a few times we saw N run by playing we aren't going to pull him away from friends at his party to spend alone time with him. That was the reason we came early.  You are so quick to judge me even when you don't know all the facts.

I am tired of taking the blame for everything in yours and your brothers  lives. You are adults and it's no longer my job to tell you what to do. When you were 16 you went thru something that in the end I knew you would suffer with. I had been there and the fact is I wanted you to have a choice consequences or not it was important cause I didn't have that with mine. I wish like hell I would have been there for you and support you  being selfish I was truly ill with no sleep over two weeks any dr could tell you I could have died. You have known me your whole life I don't stay anywhere for a whole day, it's not you or my grandkids its something I NEED to work on. You have never walked in my shoes as I did not walk in yours. I love you so much but I think we both have fears each other will get hurt so we keep pulling away so we don't have to feel the rejection. I cant get your childhood back if we could turn back the hands of time I would have done things different.  My heart bleeds  the same as everyone else and when you slice my heart it hurts even more. My goal for my kids were they live there own childhood and make all the memories they could to be good. As I did not know you both had issues that I was to blind to see and reaching out to someone to get your needs met. (I think she means a therapist?) I feel sorry and sad that I did that to you... .

The last few years I have tried to make it up but I still keep failing cause its never what you need or want.  The night you overdosed and Your husband found you do you know who was up all night trying to figure out how to raise $5000 to get you to Arizona? You were 30 years old it wasn't my job but it was my heart you were hurting far beyond what we could do for you. I would have taken out a mortgage on my property if that's what it took. Even after all the things you said to me on the phone saying it was my fault. I am a mom and unconditional love is what I have. You are not five years old throwing a tantrum cause you are mad at me. You are an adult who needs to take accountability for the choices you have made and for the damage you have done. When I am around you I always feel I will do or say something wrong. I don't have to have a degree to love someone with all my heart  I wish I could know why you said my MOTHER was evil. How in the world did you say that and what is the meaning behind it.  When I think about my mom I think about the hardships she faced childhood and adulthood. She wasn't the best mom in the world but it is my place to forgive her or deny forgivenss cause what she did to me is my fight not yours. I can not make you love me and I certainly don't want nor do I need your pitty nor make you or N feel love for me out of guilt. If I end a relationship, it's because it is toxic something as gone terribly wrong with things and I don't choose to be a part of it. It is my right and my choice its not done in fun and games. BUt I also have that choice to open the door back up or not. worked really hard to give you and your brother all the things I never hadbut the most I wanted you to have was a love and bond unbroken and it seems that happened anyway.  did everythimg you guiys wanted me to do. I was at every football game every theater production every award ceremony involved in your school (NOT true! She complained about having to go every time!) I thought I was on the right track. But if you get one thing from this it is this. Every parent does there best with all they know and not any of us is perfect. But its those who try the hardest are the ones who get mud slung at them. Ypou will not hear of any of my imaginary health issues, they will be between dad and I. Is going to take some time to get thru this, its not an attack from a 5 year old it's my 34 year old (I'm NOT 34!) I do love you and I love N and if you choose to take that away from me I'm sorry.


I added some things in parentheses, but I understand a lot of it is hard to read. I can explain anything that's unclear, though some of it I don't even know what she meant.

[EAE785]

She basically spelled out her symptoms for you. Her martyrdom is basically laid out in her email to you. Why does it seem that they need to spell out all the things they have done for us and then throw in there that they didn't have to in some way? I would die for my kids... .those things still blow my mind.

I don't know the whole situations but if she left you sons party because she felt alone thats on her. It is not your job to entertain her while you have a house full of people. She is capable. She knew what she was doing when she left.

I feel for her because I don't think she means to hurt, but the emotional manipulating is not acceptable. Stay true to your thought process and hold that boundary.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY SLANEY

Welcome back.

Sorry about the unpleasant email.  My sister liked to bring up every thing she hates about me when she got triggered about something.  I guess it is because they feel hurt.  Another member posted the quote below in a thread on this website.  You might find it a way to relate to your mom's email.

QUOTE FROM MEMBER “NOTWENDY”

"It helps to look at this as a form of projection. They feel bad so they have to get the bad feelings out- at someone. What your sister did was verbal vomit- and that's it- say something horrible and hurtful and puke out the bad feelings. Like a kid with a stomach ache, they puke and feel better. But she puked on you."

You might want to take a look at your earlier post at the link below and read over FOG again and information about extinction bursts.

I believe Schwing mentioned extinction bursts in your earlier thread below

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=295121.0


THREAD WITH EXTINCTION BURST VIDEOS

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=295775.0

I don't think there is an easy way to enforce boundaries.  If you cave, you will be back where you started.  Might want to sit back and let things cool, do some journaling and then decide if you want to answer the email.  One strategy is to validate the valid and ignore the invalid.

Revisit the FOG info. and check out the two threads.  The two last videos on the second link are funny.  You could use a good laugh.   

[slanie]

Thanks Naughty Nibbler and EAE785,

I appreciate the replies and the links. I do feel sorry for her too, and it's hard because I know she honestly thinks I have rejected her and she loved me the best she could.

I just don't think I can continue, nor should I. I honestly feel so hurt because I haven't done these things. She's projecting her insecurities on me and blaming me for things I haven't actually said or done. Not once did she apologize for any of the things I said she did to hurt me, but I'm expected to buck up and fix the damage I caused? For what? I don't even know. I went through an extremely tough time with a boyfriend who abused me, brainwashed me and nearly killed me and suffered severe trauma. Within a month of my return she was telling my SIL how she was ready to cut me out because I wasn't over the guy who was clearly a bad guy and I should be happy to be away, not sad and depressed. I had zero empathy from her, and now I need to "fix" the damage I caused? I just don't understand. I've spent the last year rebuilding relationships. I don't know what else to do. I'm tired of this cycle and don't want to spend the rest of my life apologizing for things I didn't do.

[Naughty Nibbler]

SLANEY:

If you go No Contact (NC) with her,  that is something you can always change at a later date.  Perhaps, just take a little break from her right now.  You don't have to put a label on it. 

How about doing something nice for yourself this weekend.   What might that be?  Go see a movie,  read a good book (not about BPD, now), get your hair done, go for a long walk/hike at a park, beach, etc.   (ᵕ.ᵕ)