I suspect my mother has BPD, how do I tell her?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everybody, i need an advice.
I come from a troubled family, my father was very violent in the household (especially to my mother and my brother) and when he left, things just started going even worst with my mother.  I know she married my father only to escape from her house as her father sexually abused her since she was 18. She basically ran away from home. When he left she started verbally abusing and neglecting me and my brother, soon after she started fiscally abusing me, meaning that she used to hit me, and no, it was not a slap on the bum, she hit me to hurt me.

Growing up with her was very confusing for me and my brother. She had mood swings and she would go from being happy to very angry in no time. If we didn't do things the way she wanted she would stop talking to us for weeks and sometimes even months... Every time i reminded her about the horrible things she did and say she would say that i am a liar. She always tells me i am a liar... Over the years i started developing many of my mother's personality traits until i had a breakdown 4 years ago and realised what was happening to me. I went to therapy and did lots of work on my self, it is still hard sometimes to recognise my own emotions and trying to be nice with myself instead of always feeling guilty, feeling bad and ashamed...   So now i am an adult ( 30 years old) and still working on being a better person to myself and those around me... My brother is married to a woman that my mother doesn't like so they are barely  talking to each other. I feel sorry for my brother because he feels neglected and guilty. My relationship with my mother is still very troubled... she still verbally abuses me, every time i tell her i love her she laughs at me, is very frustrating... I've been thinking for some time now that i want to talk to her about BPD... I still find it hard to control my own anger when i'm dealing with her... she is the only person in the world that makes me lose it. I don't know how to bring this up. She can be very loving as well, is not always bad... but every time we are happy then she turns the cards on the table and destroys everything. I'm tired if this, she is literally draining the life out of me and i want to get her some help... My question is, how do i do it? Thank you guys

[m.siberya]

Hi everybody, i need an advice.
I come from a troubled family, my father was very violent in the household (especially to my mother and my brother) and when he left, things just started going even worst with my mother.  I know she married my father only to escape from her house as her father sexually abused her since she was 18. She basically ran away from home. When he left she started verbally abusing and neglecting me and my brother, soon after she started fiscally abusing me, meaning that she used to hit me, and no, it was not a slap on the bum, she hit me to hurt me.

Growing up with her was very confusing for me and my brother. She had mood swings and she would go from being happy to very angry in no time. If we didn't do things the way she wanted she would stop talking to us for weeks and sometimes even months... Every time i reminded her about the horrible things she did and say she would say that i am a liar. She always tells me i am a liar... Over the years i started developing many of my mother's personality traits until i had a breakdown 4 years ago and realised what was happening to me. I went to therapy and did lots of work on my self, it is still hard sometimes to recognise my own emotions and trying to be nice with myself instead of always feeling guilty, feeling bad and ashamed...   So now i am an adult ( 30 years old) and still working on being a better person to myself and those around me... My brother is married to a woman that my mother doesn't like so they are barely  talking to each other. I feel sorry for my brother because he feels neglected and guilty. My relationship with my mother is still very troubled... she still verbally abuses me, every time i tell her i love her she laughs at me, is very frustrating... I've been thinking for some time now that i want to talk to her about BPD... I still find it hard to control my own anger when i'm dealing with her... she is the only person in the world that makes me lose it. I don't know how to bring this up. She can be very loving as well, is not always bad... but every time we are happy then she turns the cards on the table and destroys everything. I'm tired if this, she is literally draining the life out of me and i want to get her some help... My question is, how do i do it? Thank you guys

[Naughty Nibbler]

  
 Welcome m.siberya:
I'm so sorry about your past and current problems.  BPD is a spectrum disorder, and the label is attached when a certain number of traits add up.  Many of us share a trait or two that we have gained from genetics and/or from our environment.  Have you read any books on BPD?  Some have found "Understanding the Borderline Mother" to be helpful. The book that enlightened me was, "Stop Wallking on Egg Shells".  The person in my life who has BPD behavior is my uBPD sister.

Read this article on SPLITTING and let us know if you think that might describe your mom's behavior towards your sister-in-law and perhaps others. This info. on SILENT TREATMENT might be helpful as well.  It can be enlightening to find out that others have a person with BPD (pwBPD) in their life that shares the same behavior.

Over the years i started developing many of my mother's personality traits until i had a breakdown 4 years ago and realized what was happening to me. I went to therapy and did lots of work on my self, it is still hard sometimes to recognize my own emotions and trying to be nice with myself instead of always feeling guilty, feeling bad and ashamed...  So now i am an adult ( 30 years old) and still working on being a better person to myself and those around me.    

I think that everyone, who looks at their self honestly, has something to work on.  It is good that you are aware that you need to be kind to yourself, as well at those around you. There is a lot of good information on this Website that you should find helpful.  There are some links on the right hand side of the page.  You can, also, go to "The Learning Center" area on the board (find the main index page or use the navigation drop-down at the bottom of this page).

You may have already done some work on some of the topics I'm suggesting to you, but it can be helpful to review some things.  A little studying about FOG and Boundaries is a good place to start.

Here is a link to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG):
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

This link is to a Discussion Thread - What it means to be in the "FOG"
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0;all

Here is a link to a thread about boundaries:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

This link leads to discussion thread on boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0;all

  I've been thinking for some time now that i want to talk to her about BPD... I still find it hard to control my own anger when i'm dealing with her... she is the only person in the world that makes me lose it. I don't know how to bring this up. She can be very loving as well, is not always bad... but every time we are happy then she turns the cards on the table and destroys everything. I'm tired if this, she is literally draining the life out of me and i want to get her some help... My question is, how do i do it?    

Generally, it isn't recommended to inform a person that they have BPD. Sometimes, someone might take a suggestion to enter therapy to work on some of their symptoms/traits (stress management, anger management, etc.) We can't change someone else, but we can change how we interact and react. It can help to set boundaries and get familiar with some specific COMMUNICATION skills,

 At the link below, you can find and article on "How Can I Help a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder?"
https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a106.htm

There is a lot of information on this website to take in.  Hope I haven't overwhelmed you with suggestions.  Just take it one learning opportunity at a time.  It can be helpful to come here and ask specific questions and share, while you set boundaries and try various communication skills.

Do you use any particular technique/skill to control your personal anger?


 

[HappyChappy]

Hi M.siberya

I’m so sorry you had to deal with such a turbulent childhood, it must have been tough. Great news that you’ve begun to understand why your mother had moods swings and called you a lier all the time. And more importantly that this isn’t your fault. I’m sorry your brother still feels guilt and you still need to work on losing that. But be assured, the behaviour you describe does sound very BPD and as such it wasn’t your fault.

Your need to discuss this with your mother is entirely understandable. And in truth, that was the bit in my recovery that I struggled the most with. We want validation of what has happend, yet a BPD can not give that, as it would involve admitting guilt, which their condition prohibits. We are made to feel responsible for our BPD emotions, when in truth it should be the mother that is responsible for the child.  You mentioned your relationship with your mom has always been troubled. Same with my BPD mom. My sticking point was believing my  BPD could change, rather than accepting I never had or will have a proper mother. My T had me grieve my mother. You mentioned you get angry about this, and you want to discuss with you mother, those are 2 of the 5 steps of grieving. Maybe you’re on the way to recovery ?

Naughty Nibbler has laid down some great links for you to explore. As children of BPD we often forget to support ourselves, always trying to fix things for our BPD. So what would help you to continue your recovery ?   

[Fie]

Hello  

 

Over the years i started developing many of my mother's personality traits until i had a breakdown 4 years ago and realized what was happening to me. I went to therapy and did lots of work on my self, it is still hard sometimes to recognize my own emotions and trying to be nice with myself instead of always feeling guilty, feeling bad and ashamed...  So now i am an adult ( 30 years old) and still working on being a better person to myself and those around me.

Congrats on this self awareness ! Us children of BPD can be pretty wonderful sometimes  :-)

Generally, it isn't recommended to inform a person that they have BPD. Sometimes, someone might take a suggestion to enter therapy to work on some of their symptoms/traits (stress management, anger management, etc.)

I think NaughtyNibbler is right. BPD have very little self awareness, and they tend to blame everyone for everything that goes wrong in their life. If you tell them you suspect them of having BPD, they even risk ending up telling you that YOU are the one having it (like my mum did when I confronted her).

For me it was important though to confront my parents (BPD mum - dad with NDP traits) with my version of my life. I did it by email, so I would have a chance to fully and calmly, without getting angry or being interrupted, explain how it was for me growing up with them. I must say, my relationship with them at that point was already bad. So I felt I had nothing to loose. On the contrary, I wanted to proof to myself that I was not that afraid little kid anymore, fearful to speak up for itself and always taking blame for whatever they thought I did wrong.
I have never felt so good about myself as after writing that email. It was one of the most difficult things I ever did in my life. Although I remember feeling very shaky and afraid of their reaction after I wrote it, I also remember I felt very powerful and at the same 'level' as them - an adult.
 But as I said, if you decide to confront your mum, be aware that her reaction will probably not be the one you want. Only confront her if you can fully detach you from her reaction. In my case, I did not tell them with a certain expected result. I did not expect anything of them. I just wanted to feel like an adult, not a ridiculised little kid.

If you really want to say something about it, you could also choose a middle solution, like NN suggests (entering therapy to work on stress management or angry management). Or you can tell your mum you worry about her seeming depressed, so maybe she wants therapy for that ? If I remember correctly, another member, Finallyawake, recently approached her mum like this, with seemingly good result at first sight (mum did not freak out I mean). Maybe you can find back her post where she mentions it.