Nervous about mum & today

[anyplacesafe]

I haven't seen my uBPD mum in 6 weeks, longest ever break. We had a huge row, things have been fine on the phone tho. My parents, partner and myself are having lunch then going to my wedding reception venue for a meeting to finalise things. I am then going to stay with my parents alone for a couple days for work reasons (location). I have been doing lots of inner child work with my T and am constantly trying to soothe said Inner Child but she is just screaming in pain and fear so much of the time. This leaves me feeling physically weak and not on top of things. I don't feel I can manage another conflict on the scale of our previous ones.

[Kwamina]

Hi anyplacesafe

I understand how the thought of staying with your parents can make you feel anxious. Given your past experiences with your mom I think it's normal to feel some form of anxiety.

Something that might help you stay calm and in the present, is mindfulness/meditation. Have you ever tried this? You are worried about what might happen, the next possible conflict. Since you don't know for certain what will happen, it might help to try and stay in the present and not get too far ahead of yourself.

Based on your past experiences, it of course does make sense to prepare yourself. It might help to look at the various communication techniques described on this site such as S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N.. Are you familiar with these techniques?

Congrats on your upcoming wedding!

The Board Parrot

[HappyChappy]

This leaves me feeling physically weak and not on top of things. I don't feel I can manage another conflict on the scale of our previous ones.

I’m not surprised you’re feeling you may not cope, a wedding is one of the most stressful things we do. I certainly wouldn't want mind games on top of all that. When under stress we tend to be more open to being triggered by our BPD (and the "warrior gene"  tends to attack us when we look week).

Kwamina has presented some very good coping mechanisms, certainly a good long term resolution, but if you need a short term fix, never forget you can always call off your visit. An important boundary for me is not presenting myself to the lions den, when under stress. I normally find an excuse involving chronic diarrhoea tends to cut off further questioning. Hang on, I need to dash to the toilet... .

[Fie]

Hello Anyplacesafe,
Is there any reason why you would stay that long with your parents ? Especially since you are already feeling nervous about it ? Why not just have lunch together, do the wedding reception venue (where you will have the emotional support of your partner), and go home / to a hotel afterwards ?
Maybe there is no reason to put yourself in such a stressful situation ?

[anyplacesafe]

I’m not surprised you’re feeling you may not cope, a wedding is one of the most stressful things we do.

Indeed it is! Weirdly, getting some of the details sorted out today has made me feel more like the wedding will actually happen and might even be fun, which is reassuring. I wish we'd sorted out some of this sooner, but my anxiety prevented me getting to it.

Kwamina, thank you for S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N. - I am trying to memorise them! S.E.T. is probably more manageable when my brain is being monstered by Fog. Tomorrow I have lunch with my mum which is making me anxious, as she will want to Talk (but not really).

I've definitely had some realisations today about how messed up it is that any of the things I think she might throw at me about e.g. not seeming happy or seeming distant will be justifications for anger on her part not expressions of concern.

[Naughty Nibbler]

I've definitely had some realizations today about how messed up it is that any of the things I think she might throw at me about e.g. not seeming happy or seeming distant will be justifications for anger on her part not expressions of concern.

Perhaps some VALIDATION could be helpful?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi anyplacesafe,

Thanks for catching us up on what is going on. Some great advice here for you in all the previous posts. 

How well I remember my uBPDm doing what you have mentioned here:

I've definitely had some realisations today about how messed up it is that any of the things I think she might throw at me about e.g. not seeming happy or seeming distant will be justifications for anger on her part not expressions of concern.

I felt as if my mom was reading my mind and my emotions, and that always made me want to hide. Yet she had that uncanny sense of knowing all about me, and I never had the freedom to be myself in my feelings without her emotional invasion. You don't have to apologize for any thing you are feeling, including the discomfort you may feel from  the anger she may try to project on you. You are stronger than you know you are. She alone is responsible for her own feelings.

If it's helpful, sometimes I tried to imagine how old my uBPDm was acting, in the midst of it all (often like a child having a temper tantrum), and it helped me to weather the storm.

 
Wools

[anyplacesafe]

Re: VALIDATION, I read that with huge interest. The trouble is, it doesn't feel very safe to validate her feelings, because say she expresses that she feels X about something my SO has done, if I validate her feeling of X, it becomes "how could you marry/love someone who makes me feel X"?

I am trying to work through how angry I feel towards her, but it is so difficult.

[/quote][

I felt as if my mom was reading my mind and my emotions, and that always made me want to hide. Yet she had that uncanny sense of knowing all about me, and I never had the freedom to be myself in my feelings without her emotional invasion. You don't have to apologize for any thing you are feeling, including the discomfort you may feel from  the anger she may try to project on you. You are stronger than you know you are. She alone is responsible for her own feelings.

I am trying so hard to believe that... .it's tricky, isn't it? She would say "so I'M responsible for feeling (e.g.) hurt because my parents abused me? I'M responsible for feeling hurt that X was rude to me? You're so selfish and heartless". How do I respond to that? It makes me so angry.

Also, has anyone noticed how the fog of FOG descends and impedes thought when you try to work through this stuff?

[Woolspinner2000]

From the example you gave, Anyplacesafe, it sounds like she is trying to both project her feelings (push the blame) and to make it seem as if it wrong to have feelings. Step back and take a look. Is it wrong that she feels hurt about something? Would it be wrong for you to feel hurt when she has said something offensive to you? It isn't wrong. Feelings are just that, they are feelings. They are neither good nor bad. They are expressions of what is going on inside of us and how we view the world at that moment. For her to cause you to feel blame or feelings of guilt (FOG) , that is the unhealthy part. Do you feel as if you own the responsibility for how she feels? I know how that feels way too well because I thought I was responsible for how everyone was feeling!

Let's look at an example my T shared with me. If I'm wearing red shoes and he says to me, "I'm angry because you are wearing red shoes," does it mean I am to blame for his feelings? No, they are his feelings. (And in the past I'd run and change my shoes and apologize profusely!) That example has helped me a lot to realize that it isn't my fault.
 
Yes, the FOG descends and the brain quits. It is the body's response to the extreme stress as it searches to find a time from the past that is similar to what is happening in the moment, reacting the same as it did way back then, protecting us from the emotional pain. But that doesn't always serve us well now as adults. We can train our brain to learn a new way, it takes baby steps.

If the conversation gets intense, as HappyChappy said, can you leave the room? You don't have to come back to the room or location. My montra is: get out, get safe, stay safe, and you don't ever have to go back.

 
Wools

[anyplacesafe]

It did get intense, Wools. Urrrrrgh. The thing is, I do agree with the kernel of one point my mum made, but it's

the scale and intensity of her feelings
the way they go ON AND ON AND ON
how sick and anxious I feel when she gets sick and anxious

that freak me out. I tried hard to use SET and to make it clear I was properly hearing her POV without distracting or detracting from it. But having read about JADE I feel like I'm almost not allowed to disagree with her? It's so confusing. 

In brief, my mum is angry for a certain thing my partner did. I also wish my partner hadn't done x, but I do understand why she did it. Plus if my mum hadn't got upset about it, I wouldn't have done. It's just so hard. PLUS, the situation is made worse because of my mum's triangulation (basically my dad isn't aware there was a huge conflict 6 weeks ago, so he picked up on my partner acting oddly around my mum but doesn't know why it happened). I now feel super angry with my partner for causing conflict with my mum, even though I don't think what she did was particularly bad or not understandable. But I don't want to act on that. God, it's so messed up. And yeah, the FOG descends and the brain quits - story of my life   

Thanks so much for bearing with me. I am trying hard to listen to my inner child who just wants to cry and cry.

[Fie]

Hello Anyplacesafe,
Is it a possibility for you to temporary zoom out of the relationship with your mum, to be able  to concentrate a bit more on  your partnerrelationship ? Just until things are going smoothly again there ?

[anyplacesafe]

Hi Fie,

It's sane advice, definitely... .I'm back away from my parents now and will be in a different country for the next week or so. That should help, but I feel so "young" and lost and sad, somehow. And I also feel weirdly disconnected from my partner now I'm back. It's such a struggle.

[Naughty Nibbler]

It's sane advice, definitely... .I'm back away from my parents now and will be in a different country for the next week or so. That should help, but I feel so "young" and lost and sad, somehow. And I also feel weirdly disconnected from my partner now I'm back. It's such a struggle.

HEY ANYPLACESAFE:    

Feeling disconnected from you partner is not a good thing.  Is the triangulation between you, your partner and you mother, the root cause of feeling disconnected, or is it more than that?   .  

Planning a wedding is a very stressful time, but there will be others down the road.  Good communication skills and being able to talk through issues with your partner, makes for a good marriage.  Perhaps you need to talk over the specifics of what was said to your mom and resolve whatever feelings you have in regard to what your partner said.  

Have you thought about getting some premarital counseling?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again Anyplacesafe, 

Thank you for keeping us informed of how things are going. I'm glad you were able to 'get out and get safe' for a bit of time now. That will hopefully allow you some time to settle.

Have I mentioned emotional triggering to you previously? This can be a helpful thing for you to understand, and I've posted the link here for you:
www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

I often find myself in these states and the list is continually helpful for me.

You mentioned that you feel young and that you feel distant right now, withdrawn. What does your little inner child say right now? How old do you think she is as she cries and cries? And what has just happened in her mind from long ago to cause her to feel that way? Did her mom just yell at her for something she didn't do?

Hang in there. We are here to support you. 

Wools

[anyplacesafe]

Hi Naughty_Nibbler, I completely appreciate what you say about good communication. The fact is, I haven't been to visit my parents without my partner for at least 2 years, and the transition always used to be a bit difficult. This morning, waking up here, I feel more settled.

My partner and I generally have very good communication, although sometimes I feel I dump on her too much because I struggle to manage my feelings and know that my impulse is to say/do anything to make myself feel better - which is classic "picking up fleas" from my uBPDm, based on the only attempt at emotional regulation I witnessed as a child. We are having pre-marital marriage prep sessions (tho not outright counselling) with a minister. and I have a T. I think I *do* need to resolve my feelings about what was said (which is a really excellent and refreshing way of putting it, it gives me an idea of what I'm trying to do, not just "I want to feel better", but I also don't want it to seem to my partner that I go away to my parents and come back full of complaint. I want to give it time to be sure that I'm not just seeing the situation through my mum's eyes, if you see what I mean. Also, my partner's dad is terminally ill and we had some bad news about him last night, so it doesn't seem the time.

Wools, you always get me! The emotional triggering is so true and I've returned to it lots of times. I think she's either a baby or 4 (it's usually infant, 4, or 7). I feel like I'm going to be snatched off my mother. Isn't that weird? It's the only way I can describe it. Like I'm somehow being abducted or am unsafe in some way. I often feel like I can't look after myself or am formless somehow (like on the link you sent). I just feel also like I have to be in control of everything or my mum will get angry with me. I just feel so sorry for myself. But I'm also having realisations, through looking at SET, VALIDATION etc, at how instantly I try and deflect/dismiss my mum's emotions as a protective gesture, even when they're nothing to do with me. This makes her much more circular and inclined to say everything over and over again as she protests that I/my dad am not really listening to her. Now, there's definitely a point to disengage if her behaviour becomes really dysregulated/cruel/circular, but I'm so allergic to the PROSPECT of her emotions that I do try and shut her down when she's negative about anything. Of course, she is very negative but that's very hard to change. When heard, she does quieten down a little bit.

[Woolspinner2000]

For sure you have a lot on your plate right now, Anyplace safe. I am super glad that you have a T. Mine has been invaluable to me, walking alongside as I try to get disentangled from the spider web of emotional dysfunction which has entrapped me all my life. One step at a time, you'll get there too.

How complicated it must be to both see yourself as a little child who doesn't want to be taken from her mother, but at the same time you don't want her to be the one in control. It's okay that your little one is crying. Hold her close and just be there for the quiet comfort she needs.

Like I'm somehow being abducted or am unsafe in some way... .I just feel also like I have to be in control of everything or my mum will get angry with me

I understand this too. It's what I describe as a push-pull relationship that I have with my DH and also had with my uBPDm. I can't let go, please let me go. Do you feel this is a sign of co-dependency?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

I've been working at my own for a bit now. We learned it well as that little child, desperately holding on to the relationship we managed to eek out of something so warped, yet we were way too young to see how our relationship bonding was being learned incorrectly and would affect us the rest of our lives.

The good news, which my T reminds me, is that if it was learned behaviour, it can also be unlearned. 

Wools

[Kwamina]

Hi again anyplacesafe

I want to give it time to be sure that I'm not just seeing the situation through my mum's eyes, if you see what I mean.

Giving yourself time to think and mindfully assess the situation seems a good strategy If it's a good idea today, it will be a good idea tomorrow and if it isn't, well you have your answer then!

Also, my partner's dad is terminally ill and we had some bad news about him last night, so it doesn't seem the time.

You have a lot on your plate indeed. I am sorry to hear this about your partner's dad. You can only deal with so much at once and considering the news you got about him, it makes sense to now focus on that, while remaining mindful of those other important issues.

Take care

[anyplacesafe]

Hi Kwamina and Wools, it's always really good to hear from you both.

I did end up talking to my partner about what was said, yesterday in fact. Kwamina, your "if it's a good idea today... ." made so much sense. It was partly that it just felt dishonest not to speak about it, and also gave my partner the opportunity to say some things. It's not perfectly resolved, but we're definitely further on - and, crucially, it broke my mum's triangulating control over what gets passed on to my partner.

Wools, that codependence link is horribly, horribly familiar. I didn't reply because I needed some time to take it all in. Bleargh. I absolutely do NOT have a well-differentiated self, not in the slightest! Except, possibly, in my professional activities (although even then I see myself being reactive and constantly comparing myself to others/trying to be other people in my field). Wools, how have you managed to reduce your codependence with your DH?

Thanks so much for sharing - I feel both of you can teach me so much.

[Kwamina]

Good to hear from you too!

I did end up talking to my partner about what was said, yesterday in fact.
... .
It's not perfectly resolved, but we're definitely further on - and, crucially, it broke my mum's triangulating control over what gets passed on to my partner.

This definitely sounds like progress to me! Being able to have a conversation with your partner is progress and feeling like you were able to break your mom's control over you is very significant

although even then I see myself being reactive and constantly comparing myself to others/trying to be other people in my field

Why do you think you always compare yourself to others in your field, do you perhaps feel like you have internalized your mother's negative critical voice? Can you identify the exact thoughts and feelings you experience when you notice you are comparing yourself to others?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again Anyplacesafe!

I want to be sure and reply to your question:

how have you managed to reduce your codependence with your DH?

Your question is a tough one, but it is good to answer because it helps me put into words the beginning of that co-dependence separation. I was trying to find the book to quote that really helped me, and that took me a bit of time to search for but I couldn't find it. I'll summarize for you.

Early on in my journey to healing, there were two really significant events for me.  One was that I realized as I stepped away from being constantly dependent upon DH, I felt such excruciating emotional pain of being disloyal and a bad wife. I was able to pick up on the fact that I felt closer to him when I was dependent upon him. When I asked myself why, I could suddenly view the fact that my emotional needs were tied to him, and it wasn't healthy. I had merely gone to college as a non traditional student (upsetting the apple cart big time-my becoming 'independent' from him), and was beginning to see value in myself outside of DH.

The second event was in the reading of a book, I think about controlling people, in which I read a scenario about a drowning person. How interesting that my T had just spoken about such an event in his life, when he was in a raft in the rapids, it tipped over, and all were thrown into the water. His friend clung to him, pulling him under the water, and he realized that unless he disentangled from his friend, they'd both drown. Then I read a similar passage in the book, about a controlling person (and both my DH and uBPDm came to mind), emotionally enmeshed, clinging to a person (insert myself), needing them to stay alive. For all of my life up til that point, I was glad to help them, to try and keep them alive yet the moment of understanding came to me that I was going to drown. I needed to swim for shore to save myself, in spite of the evil looks and harsh words demanding I return and 'save' them. I felt so disloyal, but had finally begun to understand that I mattered. How hard it was to begin to swim away, but each stroke of swimming increased my strength and ability to not be sucked back in anymore. They'll not drown. They must learn to swim on their own, without me holding them up.

I hope that helps you a bit. It is a tough journey, but so enriching. Have you taken a look to see where you are in the Survivors Guide on the right? --------> That has also been so helpful to me. Allow yourself the time you need. The distance to shore isn't always a short one.

 
Wools

[anyplacesafe]

This definitely sounds like progress to me! Being able to have a conversation with your partner is progress and feeling like you were able to break your mom's control over you is very significant

... .

Why do you think you always compare yourself to others in your field, do you perhaps feel like you have internalized your mother's negative critical voice? Can you identify the exact thoughts and feelings you experience when you notice you are comparing yourself to others?

Hey Kwamina, Thanks for your encouraging words. I also did another small thing - my partner and I were away somewhere which has a high terrorism risk at the moment. My mum had gone on and on at me about how dangerous it was to go. I know she was only worried, and I had already decided to respect my own level of anxiety and judgment about whether or not to visit certain sites in that place. I realised that I wasn't thinking so much "Oh no, if I go there I might be blown up or taken hostage" as "If I go there, I might be blown up or taken hostage and my mum would be furious with me". Ridiculous, huh? I really, really wanted to go to one particular place, and even though it made me super anxious to disobey my mother (I always feel like she's omniscient - something a friend with a similar upbringing shares re: her mother, and based on various things my mum did when I was little e.g. read my diary, eavesdrop), I went. And it was good, and made my visit much better. We weren't there as long as we'd be without the terrorist threat, but we did go.

Re: the critical thoughts, it's always this feeling of "Oh, God, I hadn't thought of that, I should be doing that too" even if it's unconnected to my own activities or skills or preferences. And then when I counter with that lack of connection/fact-based evidence, I hear "well, you should MAKE time for it" or "well, maybe you shouldn't spend so much time on [whatever else]". This is just how my mum and - now I come to think of it, my dad - respond. When I do something wrong, my mum always makes it out to be impossible-to-rectify, because it's not just that I did X, it's that past!me should have WANTED to do Y, and since that intention wasn't there, everything is Too Late and Over. Also, when in the past I've expressed feelings of being too busy or overwhelmed (e.g. not being able to schedule a last-minute visit from them because of a packed schedule), I get told I should cut down on socialising/"there are a lot of hours in a lot of days". There's NEVER an excuse for failing to cope or for not being available. urgh.

To Wools, thanks so much for replying, I get it's not easy to write. And I find too that writing back to people and answering their questions (tho I definitely have less wisdom to share) is useful and revealing. These words hit me: How hard it was to begin to swim away, but each stroke of swimming increased my strength and ability to not be sucked back in anymore.

And this is totally how I feel about my mum: as I stepped away from being constantly dependent upon DH, I felt such excruciating emotional pain of being disloyal and a bad wife. I was able to pick up on the fact that I felt closer to him when I was dependent upon him. When I asked myself why, I could suddenly view the fact that my emotional needs were tied to him, and it wasn't healthy.

Excruciating emotional pain is true. You are still married, though? how are things now?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Anyplacesafe, 

To answer your question, yes, I'm still married, to the same man, for nearly 32 years now (as of next month). I continue to learn and grow every single day: learning about myself, DH, and our relationship. Interwoven within my relationship to him are the seeds of truth (or UN truths) established so long ago in my FOO. That's why this particular board is so applicable for me, because I'm learning to heal from the things I learned and absorbed into the very deepest core of my being from my uBPDm and my father (their unhealthy interactions) as well as the coping I daily walk in as I navigate my relationship with DH.

I fully believe there's as much to unlearn as there is to learn. How often I've maintained the mindset that I'm merely hoping to get beyond the struggles, but now my mindset is shifting to thriving within the struggles. For example, this past year has been awful for me in many respects including my father's passing, the going through his things and recent auction of his estate, combined with increased pressure with DH, and my upcoming job changes. Yet in the midst of it all, my personal growth has been exponential.

There was a story I recall hearing from the terrible fires that ravaged Yellowstone many years ago. There is a particular pine cone that only relases its seeds when fire causes the cone to relase them. In our own lives, often it is the struggles which cause us to grow and reach toward thriving like nothing else can. So there is light at the end of the tunnel for us: our increased strength as we begin to swim away from the dysfunction in our lives. 

Wools

[anyplacesafe]

I am seeing her today and I feel so scared. Not least because I'm scared my temper will slip out. And part of me, one narrative, feels that that would be good, and progress, and catharsis, but another part of me honestly knows that I might as well argue with an animal, or a raging fire. My only strength is in calm, withdrawal, and self-protection.

Wools, I am worried though because in doing some reading I have noticed that I've carried some codependent tendencies in my relationship with my mother over to my relationship with my partner. This feels dismal and I don't know what to do. I'm trying to meditate, be self-focused, and be direct in my own desires with her but it just feels such a lot! Yesterday I felt way more positive but today, since I'm going to spend the afternoon with my mother, I don't. I feel sick and nervous. And also really, really sad about how all this is turning out. My inner child wants her mum, and I can't give that to her. I guess all I can offer is myself as a substitute. And it's been interesting - the age of my IC has really rocketed about lately. Sometimes a few months. Sometimes seven. Sometimes a teenager. Sometimes virtually as old as I am now. What does that mean?

[Fie]

Hello Anyplacesafe,

That's an interesting question you have there, and I am looking forward to read the answer that our wise friends will provide you with.
As a sidenote ... .are you 100% sure meeting your mum is a sane thing to do for you now ?
I want to be careful not to push you in the direction of NC, that is something we all decide for ourselves. But I can't help but wondering : in some situations there are so many signs that point in the direction of us just not thinking about ourselves. We are trained to keep searching for that love that our parents just cannot offer us. We feel worried before and after meeting our parents, anxious even. We torment ourselves. Why do we keep playing this card, if it makes us unhappy ? Because it has become a habit since childhood ?
Why don't we just break the habit ? (is something I have been asking myself also, lately)

Your inner child asks for her mummy, the mum she will actually never have. You say ' I guess all I can offer is myself as a substitute.' I have the same problem here as you. I guess we all have.
But it's not just a substitute. It is more. You can be the mum for your IC that she never had. A better one, one who takes care of her IC. And maybe your IC just does not want to be around too much her biological mum at the moment ?
Again, I don't want to push you towards NC since I don't know if that is what is good for your IC. But as one member pointed out so wisely towards me some threads ago, NC does not have to be forever... .I feel so much more at peace since I realize that.

[Woolspinner2000]

How are you doing, Anyplacesafe? Did you meet up with your mom as planned? I'm anxious to hear how things went for you.

I am worried though because in doing some reading I have noticed that I've carried some codependent tendencies in my relationship with my mother over to my relationship with my partner.

How well I recall the moment in T when I suddenly realized that my relationship with my uBPDm was NOT separate from my relationship with DH. I always thought they were, but the influence from my FOO significantly impacts nearly all of my present day relationships. It's the wind of the past fanning the flames of the present. Thankfully there is the opportunity to mend and heal ourselves, thus the chance to get stronger and have healthier relationships. What does your T say about these things that you have mentioned? The fact that you are becoming aware is huge; don't ever discount that. With awareness comes the chance to change.

My inner child wants her mum, and I can't give that to her. I guess all I can offer is myself as a substitute. And it's been interesting - the age of my IC has really rocketed about lately. Sometimes a few months. Sometimes seven. Sometimes a teenager. Sometimes virtually as old as I am now. What does that mean?

First, it is wonderful that you are seeing that you can offer yourself as a parent to your inner ones! That is exactly right. When we offer kindness to the little one inside of us, no matter the age, we are offering comfort and safety. For myself, I feel as if I am more of a big sister to my inner children, listening to them, offering love and kindness. This has become monumental for us all.

Second, I think it is very normal that you feel as if you are bouncing all over with the different ages of your inner kids. That says you are finding various emotional stages are being affected within you by the outward events surrounding you. It is okay that you are bouncing; nothing is wrong with you. Are you able to take time to address each stage to see what they need? For example, if your few months old child needs to be held when you check to see how she is feeling, then imagine yourself wrapping your arms around her in that close hug to your chest, whispering reassurances in her ears that she is loved and special and so wonderful. Then go next to see what your 7 year old is saying, and perhaps she feels a sense of being alone, so assure her that you are there for her whenever she needs you, that you will not leave her with your uBPDm but can run away and leave if things become unsafe. And so on, through each stage which cries out for acknowledgement. Do you think you can do this?

One last thought that came to my mind as you consider those visits with your mom. This has been soo helpful to me, and you'd not be able to imagine how often I say these words to myself:  there is no obligation in love. In other words, love is free from obligation. When I feel obligated, because I'm supposed to 'love' someone by doing thus and so, for me it is a sign that I'm heading towards that co-dependency which I struggle with.

 
Wools

[kathclapp]

Thanks for catching us up on what is going on. 

[anyplacesafe]

Hey... .

I can see why NC would seem like a good idea but it's not what I want right now, and even if it's the necessary course in the future, it's 5 weeks before my wedding and I cannot deal with that much pain.

Wools, I did meet up with her. It was okay. Not amazing but okay. I feel like there was some shuffling progress in terms of me managing to convey a couple of things to do with the wedding without disaster and without her changing my mind. My T is now sadly on a month's holiday before the wedding - not ideal but oh well! The noticing the 'bad habits' and the leftovers is painful but also in one way good. I have realised that my partner actually wants to hear my opinions in a situation involving e.g. her, my parents and myself. Normally I don't voice mine and just try and mediate between her and them. That is classic childhood-leftover stuff. In my FOO, I'd always instantly suppress my own opinions to avoid angering my mother (well, 90% of the time anyway) and just go into survival mode. I'm also trying to correct my "watching". I watch my mum, as does my dad, to see her reactions to things and work out if we need to change/firefight/band together to appease her. Even things like watching her face every so often while we watch TV, to see if she's enjoying it or if we should suggest watching something else (I'm embarrassed by how crazy this sounds   but I guess you'll identify with the spirit of the thing if not the specifics). I notice myself doing this with my partner. When I do notice it, I try and stop myself. Just correcting the behaviour gently like you would with a child or pet doing something small that you want it to stop doing.

Responding to my IC -- I am trying. I find the left-hand-writing device doesn't work so well because it feels really artificial, but weirdly one-handed typing does work! For dealing with the little one of me. It's so hard to get on with daily life while responding to this child, but I am trying. I feel a deep sense of shame about being so broken and messed-up (remembering step 6 right there!), and horror at this being who I "really am" (for whatever that's worth). I know that things will be different after the wedding, in that we will no longer be bound up with my parents and this expensive, stressful event. Although I'm scared the retrospective criticism of everything by my mum will begin very swiftly... .