Wow I am glad to have found this board. Help with an ex?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I stumbled upon this board and hadn't even heard of BPD until about a day ago. When reading about the symptoms, it was like my eyes were suddenly open having been closed for the past several months. I am not sure where to start, but I am looking for some guidance as to how to cope with my situation. I'll try and keep it succinct but it won't be short.

I am about 40 and about three and a half months ago I met a gorgeous young lady (20) and we began seeing each other. We had an instant, palpable connection despite the age gap. We shared the same sense of humor, had great conversations, and were on the same wavelength on so many things. She was captivating and understanding. I am going through a separation in my marriage and she was extremely understanding about my situation though tentative about getting involved with me at all. I chased her and managed to get her interested. We went out several times and got along great. I should also mention she is the mother of a young child who is about 20 months.

Anyway, she is from out of state but due to her car being damaged in an accident while it was being driven by a friend, she was stranded here and decided to make it work. She was staying at a family member's house. Well one day, as I was dropping her off at her family' member's home, the family member kicked her out of the home over some kind of big argument. So I had a choice between leaving her and her kid stranded, or help out. So long story short, I put her in a hotel for a week and arranged to get her a used car as that would be cheaper than fixing hers.

Luckily, I had a friend that helped me out and got me (her) a good car for a song. We had to wait about a week for the car to be ready as it was being worked on by a mechanic. During that week, I began to see some emotional issues but chalked it up to her age. One morning, we got into a fight because I interpreted a text she had sent as being offensive and confronted her about it. She felt I was yelling and attacking her and did not appreciate "being talked to that way." So she left the hotel and refused to talk to me. I pleaded with her to just sit down and work out this misunderstanding but she wasn't having it and didn't give me any indication when we would talk again. The next morning she texted and told me I could come over to her room and when I did everything was fine as if nothing happened.

She would run hot and cold and there were several I love you come here / go away kind of behaviors. Finally the car was ready and I drove her several hours to another town where she had friends she could stay with and get her feet on the ground. I got her set up with car insurance and residency through the DMV there. Everything seemed fine and when I left our relationship was stronger. I planned on returning in a couple weeks. During those couple weeks, I put out several fires for her as she left two different friends' homes over various arguments. I ended up putting her and the baby in a hotel for a couple days until I returned.

When I returned, our relationship seemed better than ever. She told me she could see herself settling down with me and asked if I would consider having children with her, etc., We had a great time hanging out, but I was concerned about finding a place for her to live as she didn't have rental history. So I convinced her to return home to her grandmother's home in yet another state, where she could live for free and also have babysitting so she could work without worrying about paying a babysitter. So we drove 15 hours back to her grandmother's home. After she dropped me off at the airport, I began receiving texts about how she wanted me back soon, and I am the most important person in her life and she wants me forever etc., I was good with all that as I had fallen for her deeply. I loved this woman probably more than anyone I had ever loved before.

Well, suddenly a change in communication pattern emerged and she wasn't calling me or texting me. I didn't want to believe it but it turns out she began seeing an ex-boyfriend of hers that she had broken up with almost a year prior, only two days after I had left. She called me a week later and admitted she had sex with him, but how it was a mistake and she felt horrible and wanted to be with me. I said it hurt me, but I loved her so much I would try to get past it. The next day we made plans for her to come visit me. She asked if a female friend could come with her (on friend's dime). I explained that was ok, but if I was going to pay for her to come visit me, I was going to expect to spend a lot of time with her so we could rebuild our relationship cause I was hurt. She responded "this shouldn't have hurt you so much. We're not a couple." I asked her to explain, but she didn't respond or answer the phone for several hours. I finally lost it and told her maybe it was time to let her go.

She called me several hours later, and I thought we patched things up over the phone. She swears up and down she was not gonna go running back to anyone else just because I'm not present. However, I am positive she is back with her ex (I have my resources) and also she barely texts and doesn't answer calls. I am currently in No Contact mode just to do damage control on my emotions as I am a wreck. I love this woman and am extremely hurt she was able to discard me after all we had been through together.

Oh, some other behavioral traits I noticed: She goes radio silent when she is confronted with difficult topics. She has used the ST on me twice in person. These traits seemed to be less frequent as time went on but I'm not sure now.

I don't know if she would be diagnosed as BPD but certainly she displays some symptoms. I need help coping with the loss and am wondering what my chances are that she might come back to me cause while I know she is probably bad for me every cell in my body wants her back.

Sorry for the long post!

[lostinla]

I stumbled upon this board and hadn't even heard of BPD until about a day ago. When reading about the symptoms, it was like my eyes were suddenly open having been closed for the past several months. I am not sure where to start, but I am looking for some guidance as to how to cope with my situation. I'll try and keep it succinct but it won't be short.

I am about 40 and about three and a half months ago I met a gorgeous young lady (20) and we began seeing each other. We had an instant, palpable connection despite the age gap. We shared the same sense of humor, had great conversations, and were on the same wavelength on so many things. She was captivating and understanding. I am going through a separation in my marriage and she was extremely understanding about my situation though tentative about getting involved with me at all. I chased her and managed to get her interested. We went out several times and got along great. I should also mention she is the mother of a young child who is about 20 months.

Anyway, she is from out of state but due to her car being damaged in an accident while it was being driven by a friend, she was stranded here and decided to make it work. She was staying at a family member's house. Well one day, as I was dropping her off at her family' member's home, the family member kicked her out of the home over some kind of big argument. So I had a choice between leaving her and her kid stranded, or help out. So long story short, I put her in a hotel for a week and arranged to get her a used car as that would be cheaper than fixing hers.

Luckily, I had a friend that helped me out and got me (her) a good car for a song. We had to wait about a week for the car to be ready as it was being worked on by a mechanic. During that week, I began to see some emotional issues but chalked it up to her age. One morning, we got into a fight because I interpreted a text she had sent as being offensive and confronted her about it. She felt I was yelling and attacking her and did not appreciate "being talked to that way." So she left the hotel and refused to talk to me. I pleaded with her to just sit down and work out this misunderstanding but she wasn't having it and didn't give me any indication when we would talk again. The next morning she texted and told me I could come over to her room and when I did everything was fine as if nothing happened.

She would run hot and cold and there were several I love you come here / go away kind of behaviors. Finally the car was ready and I drove her several hours to another town where she had friends she could stay with and get her feet on the ground. I got her set up with car insurance and residency through the DMV there. Everything seemed fine and when I left our relationship was stronger. I planned on returning in a couple weeks. During those couple weeks, I put out several fires for her as she left two different friends' homes over various arguments. I ended up putting her and the baby in a hotel for a couple days until I returned.

When I returned, our relationship seemed better than ever. She told me she could see herself settling down with me and asked if I would consider having children with her, etc., We had a great time hanging out, but I was concerned about finding a place for her to live as she didn't have rental history. So I convinced her to return home to her grandmother's home in yet another state, where she could live for free and also have babysitting so she could work without worrying about paying a babysitter. So we drove 15 hours back to her grandmother's home. After she dropped me off at the airport, I began receiving texts about how she wanted me back soon, and I am the most important person in her life and she wants me forever etc., I was good with all that as I had fallen for her deeply. I loved this woman probably more than anyone I had ever loved before.

Well, suddenly a change in communication pattern emerged and she wasn't calling me or texting me. I didn't want to believe it but it turns out she began seeing an ex-boyfriend of hers that she had broken up with almost a year prior, only two days after I had left. She called me a week later and admitted she had sex with him, but how it was a mistake and she felt horrible and wanted to be with me. I said it hurt me, but I loved her so much I would try to get past it. The next day we made plans for her to come visit me. She asked if a female friend could come with her (on friend's dime). I explained that was ok, but if I was going to pay for her to come visit me, I was going to expect to spend a lot of time with her so we could rebuild our relationship cause I was hurt. She responded "this shouldn't have hurt you so much. We're not a couple." I asked her to explain, but she didn't respond or answer the phone for several hours. I finally lost it and told her maybe it was time to let her go.

She called me several hours later, and I thought we patched things up over the phone. She swears up and down she was not gonna go running back to anyone else just because I'm not present. However, I am positive she is back with her ex (I have my resources) and also she barely texts and doesn't answer calls. I am currently in No Contact mode just to do damage control on my emotions as I am a wreck. I love this woman and am extremely hurt she was able to discard me after all we had been through together.

Oh, some other behavioral traits I noticed: She goes radio silent when she is confronted with difficult topics. She has used the ST on me twice in person. These traits seemed to be less frequent as time went on but I'm not sure now.

I don't know if she would be diagnosed as BPD but certainly she displays some symptoms. I need help coping with the loss and am wondering what my chances are that she might come back to me cause while I know she is probably bad for me every cell in my body wants her back.

Sorry for the long post!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lostinla]

To be clear, we never officially broke up. She just stopped responding to me and I then went NC. Though if she calls it will ring through. The last communication I received was a text with a few emojis blowing kisses and a picture of an inside joke I had sent her that she hung up in her area at work. Yet I know she is still in the honeymoon period of her reunion with her ex.

Oh and when I confronted her saying I knew she wasn't being honest about not being back with her ex, she fired back saying she is always honest with me and that my statement was disrespectful. I didn't even bother arguing as it was pointless. We'll cross that bridge later.

What hurts is that she was able to discard me so quickly for an ex that she had broken up with a year ago who was just waiting for her to come back. She had told me he begged for her to take him back when they broke up and she refused. They had lived together for about a year I think prior to the breakup. She said their relationship was good for the first four months or so.

I did everything for her, which was probably my mistake. When her cell phone died, I bought her a new cell phone. I gave her my old DSLR camera when I discovered hers was stolen (she studied photography in the past.) I paid for her first month's car insurance. Etc. I don't normally do this but I now know I fell into a codependent role in this relationship probably due to my situation at home as I have been in passionless relationship for a very long time, and never strayed until now. I attached hard to this girl. And she is charming, absolutely gorgeous, funny and just a joy to be around most of the time. We were only seeing each other for about three months but the last two or so were extremely intense for me at least as we were able to get through a lot of her life challenges together. I know I was the fixer but we also had a lot of great, fun times.

I am thankful for this board as I now know many of the mistakes I made in dealing with her and the importance of setting boundaries and being more emotionally stable.

Do her behaviors sound BPD to you guys? Any suggestions? I know I shouldn't want or take her back, but I truly love her.

[livednlearned]

Hi lostinla,

I'm sorry things are so rocky at the moment, and glad you found the site.

Whether she is BPD or not, you're not alone trying to puzzle together what are puzzling behaviors.

Confronting her with difficult topics is going to play out the same way each time. We have to learn to see through their emotional filter and that is hard when our own emotions are on tilt.

How would you respond to her if she reached out to you?

[lostinla]

How would I respond if she reached out? Well if it was a text, it would be ignored cause I have those hidden from me on my phone. She can only reach me by calling which I doubt she would do unless it was an emergency at this point.

But to answer your question, if she reached out hinting she wanted to get back with me I would play it cool and cautiously proceed. I'd keep it light and suggest a meetup, though that would require me to fly out to see her. Of course, it worries me she was able to go back to her ex so quickly after declaring her extreme love and need for me.

Reading this board, I realize I approached many things the wrong way with her. Rather than validating, I expressed my feelings first and she immediately withdrew. I didnt understand why then but now I see the light.

I was considering writing her a carefully worded letter letting her know the following:

1. Based on communication patterns I know she has moved on (we never officially broke up) and I understand how much pressure and sadness she must have felt after I had left. We all must do what we think is best for us.

2. I have learned a great deal about myself and how to manage my emotions in a relationship. Apologize for threatening that I was ready to ket her go during our last argument (I think this was the real catalyst that made her go back to ex.) Also advise her my wife and I have separated and she is out of state.

3. Sincerely thank her for giving me clarity on what I must do at home, showing me how deep I could love someone, and the many special moments, laughs and memories we created.

Thoughts?