The more things change, the more they stay the same

[momtario]

 
It's been a very long time and a lot about my life has changed. I certainly have.
My uBPD/NPDh and I are still together. It's been a long journey, and most of the time, things are peaceful.
He's currently on an extended sick leave from work (going on 3 years) because he went from high functioning to very low functioning somewhat quickly. He's being treated for bipolar disorder, and the doctors are now looking into personality disorders as medications are barely helping him tread water.
I have 4 children now. D12 has been in therapy twice and is doing alright. Heading into high school, we're getting her back in to make sure she's handling the changes well. Things have be a struggle with her mental health after a childhood where I was barely capable of mitigating the abuse from my husband. With the help of the CAS, we have the support we needed to face his abusiveness and start healing as a family unit. In other words, he doesn't hit the children anymore and if that circumstance changes, there are plans in place.
D9 and D7 were never as affected as D12, but they both occasionally see a counselor, just to keep it that way.
S3 wasn't old enough to have really seen that side of his father.
We still have both dogs.

I'm now Working 2 jobs.

I'll post something more relevant to the board in a bit. I just wanted everyone to have a idea of where things stand.

Take care

[momtario]

Now, for the sake of reference, I want to talk about the way things were and then, if needed, I'll clarify the way things are.


4 years ago, I was a member here. At that point in time, and for the year before and a bit after, my relationship was the worst it's ever been. By the grace of God, and a lot of hard work, it's improved a lot. It will probably never be completely healthy, but my mind tells me to always keep hope.

I'm going to put a trigger warning here, for abuse. All kinds.

I allowed myself to be completely controlled by fear. It resulted in my allowing a lot of boundaries to be crossed, and I felt paralyzed at the time. My uBPDh would hit the children, hit the dogs, there were times when he shoved me, pinched me, threw things at me, and made weird threats that caused me to question my safety. He would, if he felt pushed to it, also become sexually abusive.

I'll have to return to this later. My mind's gone completely blank. It's still really hard to confront these things.

[Grey Kitty]

I'll have to return to this later. My mind's gone completely blank. It's still really hard to confront these things.

You sound kinda overwhelmed. Your life sounds incredibly busy. You are still with him, and even if things are immensely better, there are still issues... .and from personal experience, after we separated, I went through several more phases of finding and feeling things from my marriage... .things that would have been harder to process had we been together, and probably been shuffled aside for a few years longer.

What (if anything) do you have time and energy to work on / address / think about / feel now?

[momtario]

Hello, Grey Kitty. I remember you, vaguely. It's nice to hear from you, and thanks for weighing in.
I think starting at the beginning was the wrong plan for me.
How might it look for people that start with their desired end point, and work on themselves backward from that point?
If the past is more than I can handle, and the future is coming whether I'm ready or not, does it make sense to start there? And then when I find a therapist that suits my needs, I'll perhaps at least know what limits the past is imposing?

If every time i try to look back, I find myself either Curled into a ball counting to 8 repeatedly, or losing time staring into space, I won't get very far starting there.

That probably doesn't make any sense.

[Grey Kitty]

What you say makes plenty of sense, and it is pretty clear that you are easily overwhelmed by it all.

My suggestion would be that digging into your past, (presumably) how you were treated badly, abused, or neglected as a child does indeed sound like too much for you to deal with right now. I know people who are dealing with those issues, and they are in a safe place in there present day life. Living alone, generally, although living with a healthy supportive partner would probably work well.

You aren't. You are living with your uBPD/NPDh. Even if things are peaceful most of the time, that is dependent on you being strong, having good boundaries, and being "on" ready to deal with it should he dysregulate. Plus you have to deal with helping your children heal from when it wasn't this peaceful.

So don't dig into the past. You could start with the future. I've found mindfulness to be very useful for me, so that would indicate start with the present.

My meditation teacher once said that everything you need is in the present moment... .what she meant was that if you NEED to deal with something from your childhood now, you will be thinking about it right now, and that will pull it in.

  Trust yourself. You will know when it is time to deal with the past. And that past will wait for such a time.