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Author Topic: Realizing she's a lying skunk helped me move on  (Read 948 times)
ICantFixHer
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« on: July 13, 2016, 01:17:43 PM »

Thank you for your civility, I appreciate it. My way of dealing with my particular skunk differs from yours, it's all good. Realizing she's a lying skunk helped me move on. I don't harbor deep hatred because I understand her way of dealing with things now, at least to a degree. She was very real when she said I was the best man on the planet and her lovely treasure. But, you know, the next day I was a flaming homosexual. Every day was different.

As for NC, dig this workaround my skunk pulled on me earlier this week:

Last Sunday as I left our old place with the last of my stuff, we had an altercation and her last word to me was "f*ggot!" I drove off laughing and haven't been in contact since, in spite of a slew of "please forgive me, let's end this on a better note" messages from skunk.

Her wanting to "end things on a better note" in truth means she wants me to give her yet another chance to re-write history. Sorry, skunk, but you're not re-writing anything this time.

Monday several Facebook "friends" alert me that skunk posted one of our cats was missing and she suspected I took the cat even though she watched me load my van. Several mutual "friends" message me asking if I have the cat. I tell them no. They relay my message to her.  Real-life friends call me. I tell them the whole sordid story and predict the cat will re-appear remarkably soon.  

Tuesday she posts an apology to me that a "friend" forwarded; she "found" the cat and all is well. Clockwork.

But now, in her skunk mind, she has had the last word.

I have had her blocked for weeks now. I'm not looking. She found a way to continue to manipulate me except this time indirectly, and of course now a bunch of friends know she is BPD and what she put me through.

Bright move, skunk.

I feel a bit duped but it's all good, it's not my life's goal to figure out a skunk's mind.

But think about it -- the manipulation. Creepy.

I posted this:

"I am in "no contact" mode with my ex. No contact means no contact. If anyone forwards me her status updates or otherwise acts as a go-between, adios. If you feel the need to comment here, see ya. Let's practice a little respect."

I have since blocked dozens of people after posting this and having them respond in some way. Every Facebook "friend" we have in common that I do not know in real life is being blocked one by one.

The next time something dear to me goes missing -- like the cat -- she and her cadre of dupes are on their own.

I only post this to illustrate what my particular skunk is doing because of me enforcing NC.

Thanks and hang in there. I am glad you still have some compassion for the ex; I wasted 10 years of my life not only living a total, complete lie, but I allowed myself to take her abuse.

Never, ever gonna happen again.
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« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2016, 02:12:26 PM »

hi Powell,

as an understatement, a ten year relationship of any kind would have its challenges recovering from. my relationship was just under three years, so i really cant imagine. youve done some pretty hard work.

i think all of our paths to detachment are unique - whats helpful for some might not be helpful to others. it would appear that you are fond of the use of "skunk" in describing your ex. is this helpful for you? can you see where labeling pwBPD (or specifically others exes) "skunks" might be hurtful for others even if it helps you? breakups vary. some members are still in love with their exes, some co-parent.

as for the recent interaction, i recommend having a read about Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle. no contact is one tool for detachment, but look at it this way: youre both indirectly communicating with each other through facebook and with friends.
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ICantFixHer
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« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2016, 02:27:36 PM »

it would appear that you are fond of the use of "skunk" in describing your ex. is this helpful for you?

It's very helpful, it depersonalizes my ex, puts her in the 3rd person, reduces her influence. Plus she always had a big 'ol stripe down her head where her gray hairs faded into the lurid bright red she always colored it. "Lying skunk", "yellow skunk", these were terms I grew up hearing.


can you see where labeling pwBPD (or specifically others exes) "skunks" might be hurtful for others

Yes I can see that now and I vow to not use the term again unless I am writing about my specific skunk. Everyone else had an exBPD, I had a skunk. Thanks for the reminder to be mindful, I appreciate it.

youre both indirectly communicating with each other through facebook and with friends.

I hadn't anticipated the skunk using Facebook as a means to indirectly contact me; my current NC message is meant for her harpies who act as go-betweens. If skunk hears it, great -- it's the first time I have publicly mentioned she is history.

Thank you for all the good thoughts here and on so many other threads. I am looking forward to the day I can leave this board and not feel the need to vent. I am getting a lot of anger out here, and will try to respect other's may not feel the same.

Come on, 10 years of my life was a total sham. I'm pissed I let this happen to me.
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« Reply #3 on: July 13, 2016, 02:44:21 PM »

It's very helpful, it depersonalizes my ex, puts her in the 3rd person, reduces her influence.

i can see that. i did some of it myself. is it accurate? you at one time loved this person, presumably a great deal. chances are, the truth is somewhere in the middle: she is someone you loved a great deal, who hurt you a great deal; a really complex kind of pain. i understand you say you dont hate her (i wouldnt blame you if you did, just that hate is attachment) but you might explore the wisdom of this approach with this Workshop: Has the anger gone too far?

I hadn't anticipated the skunk using Facebook as a means to indirectly contact me; my current NC message is meant for her harpies who act as go-betweens. If skunk hears it, great -- it's the first time I have publicly mentioned she is history.

if she hears it, or the folks who act as go betweens hear it, can you see where thats playing directly into the drama, and possibly creating more for yourself? it might be far less stressful to practice deescalation.

I am looking forward to the day I can leave this board and not feel the need to vent. I am getting a lot of anger out here, and will try to respect other's may not feel the same.

there is a lot more to detaching and the board than venting and getting out anger, although those are necessary to the process. part of detaching is beginning to shift the focus to ourselves. there are innumerable resources here, like the Personal Inventory board, the Workshops, among others, tools for going on to build healthier relationships. a great place to start is the lessons directly to the right (or click here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0)

Come on, 10 years of my life was a total sham. I'm pissed I let this happen to me.

another good place to start: can you elaborate on this?
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ICantFixHer
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« Reply #4 on: July 13, 2016, 03:05:20 PM »

another good place to start: can you elaborate on this?

Gladly. Ex was abandoned by Mom as an infant, older brother was two when she was born and the family realized he was mentally retarded right when she was born. Dad died when she was 10. Mom gave her $20/week from that point on and told ex she was on her own.

I meet ex when I am 4 months out of a 7 year relationship with a non-BPD; my current exBPD paints me white, 6 months later we are living together. Two months later I catch her cyber cheating and call her on it. The monster comes out for the first time and I bury it -- I can't throw this poor helpless woman on the street a mere two months after I helped her move in with me, right?

Nine years go by with the only consistent thing being her out of the blue (to me) rages. That and evidence of her cheating. I have her arrested twice, I left once in 2012, came back a month later, then left for good in 2015.

I study BPD and learn abandonment leads to fear, so BPD pushes my button to piss me off thus giving her reason to cheat on me, get a plan B.

Two weeks ago I realize the magnitude of the deception; there was a good reason a couple of years ago she told me, "This is all fake -- all of it."

Now I know what she meant even though she couldn't or wouldn't explain it at the time. The relationship, from her view, was a construct, a series of making me react so she could justify her cheating.

At this point I am utterly done with her. Utterly. I don't care what she does to our cats, I don't care if someone moves in to my old house with her, I don't care anymore. She is a piece of trash.

I don't understand why so many non's get caught up in the "painting them white" phase. For me, all the good things she tried to give me mean nothing in light of the cheating. She used me. Anyone with a semblance of a heart will do. I am replaceable. No big deal, I get it.
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« Reply #5 on: July 13, 2016, 03:08:14 PM »

I for one have to laugh at the name skunk! I could think of much worse and I know it's wrong but hey, I've said much worse to my exgf.

Hope you feel better Powel
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« Reply #6 on: July 13, 2016, 03:17:13 PM »

I for one have to laugh at the name skunk! I could think of much worse and I know it's wrong but hey, I've said much worse to my exgf.

Smiling (click to insert in post) I moved from the city to the mountains last year and while this whole detachment scenario has been playing out I have been feeding the actual real skunks up here. Everything ties together for me with this image.

And, yeah, I have called my exBPD far, far worse things in the past. Now I just call her skunk.

Hope you feel better Powell

I truly do, man; the last 2 months have been intense but -- DUDE! -- I am here on the other side. I have dismissed and trivialized her actions towards me. I got used, if that isn't enough to kill any and all feelings for a chameleon who never existed, nothing will.

As of yesterday I am in escrow on my first home. I have not only moved on, I'm moving up.

I hope you do, too my friend. Stay strong.
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« Reply #7 on: July 13, 2016, 03:19:50 PM »

Thanks Powel, I'm glad your "skunk" is not a problem for you anymore, life with these people is unbearable
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« Reply #8 on: July 13, 2016, 03:39:39 PM »

"I am in "no contact" mode with my ex. No contact means no contact. If anyone forwards me her status updates or otherwise acts as a go-between, adios. If you feel the need to comment here, see ya. Let's practice a little respect."

Just wanted to say, that was a wise, good thing to post! Very smart. Props.

Glad to hear you're moving up, even though you had to deal with so much chaos!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #9 on: July 13, 2016, 03:42:17 PM »

I don't understand why so many non's get caught up in the "painting them white" phase.

its another extreme side of the same coin, really. again, the truth tends to be somewhere in the middle.

for example: you refer to the relationship as an "interaction" which is actually a clinical way of putting it, and one way to look at it. when i look at mine that way, its a dysfunctional dance which both partners partook in. there is use to seeing it that way, but its really not the entire picture. not only were there, i assume, wonderful and heartfelt moments between the two of you, but there was a reason (or more than one) that you stayed. what was it?

im not sure what your sources are when it comes to BPD but they may be presenting you with a narrative that doesnt fit the psychopathology of BPD. feeling used is pretty common, i did, but at one time, we were everything to our exes. it may have been based on a fantasy by both parties, but that makes it no less "real" or any more a "sham". you were there. unless you imagined it, it was very real at the time.

you lay out a heck of a lot of very hurtful behavior from her, the kinda stuff i imagine would leave most human beings in a great deal of turmoil. all of this over ten years with someone you cared for a great deal. it is, i think, to be expected that positive memories are tainted. is it realistic to say that in two months you have moved on? if so, what kind of steps have you taken in detaching apart from venting?

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« Reply #10 on: July 13, 2016, 04:01:43 PM »

Hi Powell,

Welcome

I'm sorry that you had to go through this. I felt a lot of anger towards my exBPDw when I found out she was cheating on me in our marriage and left for the other man. I like how you mentioned venting because I vented for the first 3 months after the split. We were together for 7 and a half years with a young family. What I hear is anger at her cheating, did you feel betrayed?
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« Reply #11 on: July 13, 2016, 04:06:50 PM »

Hi Powell,

Man, I understand why you would feel used and upset about spending 10 years in a relationship and then find out things were not what they seemed at all. That is so, so tough.  

I've read some of your other posts, and I detect much more beneath the surface, though. I've read supportive replies to other members, and valuable advice about reading and learning as much as they can on this site. There is much more to Powell than the guy that is venting and angry, and I think when you are ready, you can help yourself AND so many more members by sharing what you've found underneath and beyond the fury of "skunkdom."

Anger is a really legitimate part of the grieving of a big loss. Something every one of us on this board has done or is doing. Don't get stuck there, though. That sets you up for a bigger fall later, and I don't want that to happen to you. We care about you, so let anger be a stop on your journey, not a station, okay? Smiling (click to insert in post)

heartandwhole

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« Reply #12 on: July 13, 2016, 04:42:01 PM »

Hey Powel

Just got done texting my "lying skunk" she's having a fit because our son's daycare costs are building up quickly. Well because I have to work and she refuses to get a job. She's just too physically ill and all that. With the whole cancer, lymph nodes, lupus, migraines, insomnia and we'll the list would go for a long time.

Anyway she hasn't had a job for 20 months now and wonders why she's broke and can't quite live off our sons child support. Hmm she's clueless and yes she even asked what she could do to help me.

I said, let's start by you getting up in the morning when you agree upon taking our son and not text me 3 hours later and have the lame excuse your alarm didn't go off.

That only works if you're 12 and you miss school, our son needs an honest adult mother not a teenager. Get with the program or get out of the way.

Yep, she's a keeper, I meant stinker, well a lying skunk... .

Oh! Almost forgot, I do have cancer, take chemo, it makes me sick (for real) yet I'm able to care for our son, work and do all the other fun stuff. Lol. ... And no I don't feel sorry for myself, it's just the way my life is right now.
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« Reply #13 on: July 13, 2016, 05:02:00 PM »

at one time, we were everything to our exes.

In my case, I only meant everything to my ex when I wasn't questioning her about her cheating and the clues she'd leave.


you refer to the relationship as an "interaction"

That's what it was. It was one-sided. I was the only one giving. When she "gave" it was to manipulate me. There were no relations other than her usage of me to justify her abandonment fears.

you were there. unless you imagined it, it was very real at the time.

I respectfully disagree. Throughout the entire 10 year interaction it never felt real. It felt like it could be real if I could just man up. She threw the "fake future" thing at me and I bought it repeatedly. In hindsight, her "affectionate" times now make me ill; it was a sham. No way around it.


is it realistic to say that in two months you have moved on? if so, what kind of steps have you taken in detaching apart from venting?

I moved out a year ago, spent the whole time here alone, reading, thinking, studying, trying to crack the code. I knew I was never going back and I knew I had a year to chill out, get my head together, and figure her out. If she has BPD or not isn't relevant, she most certainly has the traits and that's enough for me.

The past two months have involved discussions about her DBT therapy and my need to feel safe. She has learned absolutely nothing in a year of therapy, at least nothing to tangibly change her skunkish behavior.

I have been emotionally detaching for years now, since her first arrest in 2009. Believe me, I am out of this completely. There is nothing attaching us anymore. I'm free, and what happens to her, my former cats, chickens and home isn't my concern anymore.

I could see her at a freeway offramp, filthy and stinking and offering passing drivers sex for change and I would drive right on by and think, "She got exactly what she deserved."
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« Reply #14 on: July 13, 2016, 05:11:07 PM »

What I hear is anger at her cheating, did you feel betrayed?

Hi Mutt, thanks for the kind welcome.

F*ck yes I felt betrayed; we had AGREEMENTS, dude, and she broke them. Feelings of betrayal are natural when someone violates an agreement, violates trust.

The sex side of it doesn't bother me so much, the idea of her with other men and women. People do what people do and trust me, I have done some crazy stuff in my sexual past. But I was SINGLE at the time, not lying to someone that I respect them and the agreement we made together.

I am not angry at the cheating -- that is her security blanket, to have a Plan B and to feel wanted. We all want that.

I sometimes feel anger at her lying to my face about it.
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« Reply #15 on: July 13, 2016, 05:37:14 PM »

What I hear is anger at her cheating, did you feel betrayed?

Hi Mutt, thanks for the kind welcome.

F*ck yes I felt betrayed; we had AGREEMENTS, dude, and she broke them. Feelings of betrayal are natural when someone violates an agreement, violates trust.

The sex side of it doesn't bother me so much, the idea of her with other men and women. People do what people do and trust me, I have done some crazy stuff in my sexual past. But I was SINGLE at the time, not lying to someone that I respect them and the agreement we made together.

I am not angry at the cheating -- that is her security blanket, to have a Plan B and to feel wanted. We all want that.

I sometimes feel anger at her lying to my face about it.

I don't know if you exe's plan B would be to feel wanted. A pwBPD want adult emotional intimacy but can't sustain a healthy intimate relationship. My exBPDw cheated and the reason why I chose to not go back to the relationship was because I didn't want the kids to see dad be treated the way that he was and take mom back.
 
Our relationship was crumbling, the world to her is a scary place and she has dependency issues that can trigger guilt with loved ones and can feel like manipulation. She feels a lot of shame for her actions because it's another failed relationship, a failed marriage. That said, she attached herself to her boyfriend because she knew that she couldn't come back to our relationship. Your ex probably feels a lot of shame for failing at a long term relationship, ten years is a long history.
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ICantFixHer
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« Reply #16 on: July 13, 2016, 05:55:21 PM »

Your ex probably feels a lot of shame for failing at a long term relationship, ten years is a long history.

She may feel remorse and shame for what she's done to cause this particular relationship to fail on a spectacular level,  but it certainly isn't anything she ever expressed to me in words the way an understanding partner would. She keeps digging the hole deeper and deeper. This has been a long time coming, my friend. I have been detaching and finding myself an out without putting myself, property or former pets at risk.
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« Reply #17 on: July 13, 2016, 06:00:33 PM »

Your ex probably feels a lot of shame for failing at a long term relationship, ten years is a long history.

She may feel remorse and shame for what she's done to cause this particular relationship to fail on a spectacular level,  but it certainly isn't anything she ever expressed to me in words the way an understanding partner would. She keeps digging the hole deeper and deeper. This has been a long time coming, my friend. I have been detaching and finding myself an out without putting myself, property or former pets at risk.

I understand. I wanted the same thing, an explanation. She has social impairments, she can't express herself to me because it would trigger feelings of shame, feelings that are difficult to cope with. Guilt is feeling like you did something wrong. Shame is feeling like there is something wrong with you. She's walking around feeling a lot of shame for cheating.
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« Reply #18 on: July 13, 2016, 06:01:32 PM »

Your ex probably feels a lot of shame for failing at a long term relationship, ten years is a long history.

this is an important point id like to echo. if my partner of ten years told me our relationship was fake, i cant really imagine the pain that would have inflicted on me. such a statement is most likely a way of alleviating shame, which hardly excuses it (there is no excuse for it) but understanding does help depersonalize. correct me if im wrong, but it sounds as though you have decided that this person was consciously using/manipulating you and that her affection was a part of that?

She threw the "fake future" thing at me and I bought it repeatedly.

can you elaborate? this was something she said repeatedly?

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« Reply #19 on: July 13, 2016, 06:10:08 PM »

it sounds as though you have decided that this person was consciously using/manipulating you and that her affection was a part of that?

Yes, but likely unconsciously. This is the last time I wanna type this: she was abandoned as a kid. She has abandonment issues as a result. The closer we became, the more she feared I'd abandon her. To quell her fears she would provoke me then use my reaction to justify her cheating. Then she'd feel guilty and paint me white until the next time she got scared I'd abandon her.

I cannot make it any clearer than that.

She threw the "fake future" thing at me and I bought it repeatedly.

can you elaborate? this was something she said repeatedly?

In her "paint me white" periods she would often and colorfully describe our future plans together: a dog, horses, buying a home together.

Then she'd do something inappropriate with someone in front of my eyes and tell me *I* was the crazy one.

I am done with her.
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« Reply #20 on: July 13, 2016, 08:54:36 PM »

She threw the "fake future" thing at me and I bought it repeatedly.

I can relate to the repeated future faking and it hurts like h*ll. It’s my understanding from reading that they mean what they say at the time, but I’m not so sure if it’s not all one big manipulation.

My ex said that his previous gf wanted to settle down. He’d tell me a story of her standing in his kitchen telling him she was good ‘wife’ material. He said he knew what she wanted, but she wasn’t ‘the one’. So why string her along then? Why not tell her so she can move on and find someone who wants what she does? Because he kept her around, strung her along to meet his own needs. Hers were not important to him and he didn’t seem to care that he hurt her. And, yes, I ignored this red flag to my own detriment.

A few months back, he asked me to marry him, said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, but I think this was a desperate attempt to keep me hanging in there. Future faking. They use people.

Still, this was interesting to me:

Quote from Powell: “I don't understand why so many non's get caught up in the "painting them white" phase”.

I struggle with this. For me it’s trying to find a balance I think. You know between the good and the bad. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I get caught up in trying to understand and then end up feeling sorry for him, thinking I can help, and it draws me back in.

Powell, now your use of the word ‘skunk’. I won’t deny that it sometimes shocks me a little when I read your posts, possibly because it triggers memories of my ex's name calling, but I understand where you are coming from. I’ve called mine a few colourful names in the past, ‘sadistic monster’ is a favourite and well, it fits. Most of the time actually, but then memories of the funny, loving side surface and well, back into confusion land. 

Also, just wanted to say thanks for the support you’ve given me. Here's a hug for you too 
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« Reply #21 on: July 13, 2016, 09:09:16 PM »

Powell, now your use of the word ‘skunk’. I won’t deny that it sometimes shocks me a little when I read your posts, possibly because it triggers memories of my ex's name calling, but I understand where you are coming from.

Man, I had never considered I could be triggering my fellow passengers. I vow from this point forward I will never refer to her other than "exBPDgf", this my solemn vow.

To anyone I may have offended or reminded of past issues, I apologize.

Maybe my ex was right, I am an insensitive oaf.

KIDDING!

Also, just wanted to say thanks for the support you’ve given me. Here's a hug for you too

Any time, at this point we are all here for each other; my goal is to be able leave this board permanently at some point hopefully sooner than later. I have read and written so much over the last couple of months, I am getting sick of it being "BPD BPD BPD" all the time.

I think my biggest lesson is the same as yours: never, ever paint a red flag green. I had an arsenal of ladders, paintbrushes, rollers, drop cloths, you name it.

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Lilyroze
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 337



« Reply #22 on: July 13, 2016, 09:17:26 PM »

  Powell,

I have to admit it did shock me a little with your names to your ex. But then realized I needed to be where you were at in the anger stage, part of healing... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Truly anger and standing up for yourself is healthy. I have a hard time standing up for myself or putting myself first. Stand up for others? Certainly!  Help others, of course. Try and absorb some of their pain? Absolutely. Now I need to do for me, and remember that. Your posts have really helped me past day or two. Thank you.

I admire how hard you tried, what you did, all you are learning to understand and heal.

I wish you the best on your journey, you truly deserve it.

Cat, cabin and all.

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ICantFixHer
Formerly Powel
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 109



« Reply #23 on: July 13, 2016, 11:07:59 PM »

Thank you Lilyroze, here I am thinking I'm about to get a message from a moderator telling me to cool it. Smiling (click to insert in post)

I feel I posted on the correct board: Failed BPD Relationship. I am an example of someone involved in a laughably catastrophic 10-year interaction who, thanks to a year of physical separation instigated by myself, realized the truth. It's simple: I unknowingly got involved with a BPD at a critical, vulnerable stage of my life. My exBPDgf recognized that and capitalized on it to suit her own ends. I fell victim.

Knowing this has given me the power to completely detach; I am very, very lucky in this regard compared to most here.

The fact you tell me I have had an impact on you, Lilyroze, is something amazing.

From my heart I thank you. I got lucky, I got closure. Maybe you won't but I am here to tell you, closure doesn't matter -- it will never make sense to us. It doesn't have to make sense, we are dealing with abnormal freaks. Nothing wrong with acknowledging it and making sure we never, ever fall victim again.
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ICantFixHer
Formerly Powel
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 109



« Reply #24 on: July 13, 2016, 11:14:06 PM »

Incidentally I did not create this thread; the first post on this thread,  mine, was moved by a mod from my response to a "NC" thread. I would have carefully considered using the name "skunk" in the subject header.
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Lilyroze
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 337



« Reply #25 on: July 13, 2016, 11:20:02 PM »

Powell,

I am a true believer in learning, growing and either in meditation or life God or the Universe will give you the message you need. I really am hurting today, that in itself is very hard for me to say. I have had to be the strong one for my kids, many jobs, just in life.

I could admit that here in secret I guess, your messages helped more then you will know. I truly read and am absorbing right now to heal. Thank you for your words of kindness. TY for letting me see you get from anger to detachment. I appreciate.   
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myself
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151


« Reply #26 on: July 14, 2016, 12:05:58 AM »

You sound pretty clear from here. Detachment suits you.
We all grieve, get angry, grow some more, etc. in our own ways.
Here and Now, learning to let go of 'what was' & 'what could've been'.
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