"Gradual" detachment?

[chillamom]

Hi, folks,
Tapping into the collective wisdom of the group with a question about detaching from an 8 year relationship with my dBPDexbf.  I have been through many recycles, really want to make the ending that I initiated yesterday the last one.  All the usual reasons, plus my children dislike him intensely and are quite frightened of him.  He did live with me in the past, does not now.  Anyway, my T suggests LC where I speak with him every day or so because she agrees with me that full NC (which I really would like to implement) may be too difficult for both of us (him in terms of abandonment issues and me in terms of guilt). I can handle a phone conversation once a day I think, but of course he is pushing for "friendship" which I realize is impossible and would just be a method to get me to engage in another recycle.  Knowing me and my strong feelings for him, I would probably get charmed back in.  My friends who are familiar with the history of the relationship are very concerned for my safety, and are recommending "weaning" him off gradually, and seeing him every so often.  They fear that given his history he could "snap". and my older daughter actually keeps having recurring nightmares about this ending in a murder-suicide.  I'm scared too, but not as worried as they are, because he does NOT have a history of physical abuse with me (only lots and lots of verbal and emotional, which is why I can't do it anymore). 
What do you think I should do?  Super LC with a phone call once a day, "wean" him with gradual contact to avoid any potential harm to me or self-harm with himself, or complete NC (G*d give me strength).  I should note that we did break up for a 6 month period last year, and he did NOT physically threaten me during that time.  To complicate matters, I am most worried about softening the blow for him, because I still love him.
Any guidance would be appreciated, thank you very much!

[once removed]

there is a lot of wisdom to this suggestion, chillamom. NC and LC are just two different tools for different situations, where deescalation is the goal.

i cant so much tell you what to do, although following a therapists advice is usually a good way to go. the only thing i would add is that either choice should be focused on you and what is best for you, less on his abandonment issues.

be aware of potential fall out either way. with NC you might risk escalation. with LC one or both of you may place expectations on the other that may not be met and that could leave one or both of you hurt and/or angry. there probably isnt a right or wrong here, but there are realistic and unrealistic expectations of how either approach can go.

have you had an opportunity to read this: Which best describes your approach to detachment?

i encourage you to consider the question: What is the most significant factor driving you to be in the mode that you are in?

[chillamom]

Thank you, Once Removed.  I have read the detachment information in the past, and will definitely revisit it now. I do believe in releasing with grace if possible, because that seems to "sit" better with me given my personality and my perhaps overactive sense of guilt.  I am very unused to prioritizing my own needs, though, and that is something that I will definitely have to reflect upon further in the coming days.  I appreciate your thoughts.

[heartandwhole]

Hi chillamom,

I agree with once removed that with LC, the hardest thing will be to manage expectations. It could lead you to being drawn back into dysfunctional relating, or it could be an opportunity to communicate (probably repeatedly) your values around your relationship with him. Like a grain of sand irritating the oyster to make a pearl, if that makes sense.

It does seem that you are more concerned with his feelings than yours, which makes me think that LC will be more of a challenge, especially if he tries to draw you into a more intimate type of relating than is manageable for you. But you could make contact with him your "practice" —a way to strengthen your ability to live with boundaries and detach with grace.

I had to go NC in my situation because I felt too vulnerable and slippery in my boundaries to manage anything else. But every person and situation is unique, and neither NC nor LC is good or bad. I commend you for looking at all the angles. 

heartandwhole

[chillamom]

Thanks, heartandwhole, I appreciate your perspective.  I can already feel myself succumbing to his attempts to tug at my heart with constant messages regarding how lonely and sad he is, and how he won't place "any demands" on me and needs me to assuage his loneliness.  I am already feeling very weak and want to help him (and yes, I have read and re-read the lesson about how I cannot) but he knows how to get to my guilt and is being quite successful.  As hard as it will be for me, I may have to decide to go complete NC .
 I know myself and I'll be back on the carousel again and I really don't want to do that. 

[drained1996]

chillamom,

Like you I am very compassionate and empathetic to my pwBPD.  I went through years of recycle because of my guilt and poor boundary regulation.  I found LC for me was purgatory.  NC was my only choice for what that's worth.  I think your own history and experiences will let you know what's right.  It's time to think of YOU.

[chillamom]

Thanks, drained 1996.  I have already been where you were, through literally more recycles than I can count.  I'm trying hard, but listening to him cry and carry on about how he has no one but me (which at one level is pretty true) is tearing me up, so I don't know if whatever flimsy boundaries I have will hold.  If you don't mind me asking, can you please tell me what "turned the tide" for you?

[drained1996]

It was my acceptance that she suffered from a severe mental illness, combined with my own need to take care of myself.  While I was LC I was still in the FOG very heavily, and was easily manipulated and had my compassion and empathy used against me.  After a while of NC and therapy, I came out of the FOG and saw how utterly drained I was by my r/s.  It literally would have killed me to continue to give give give, all the while getting little to no love in return.  We all have love tanks, and we as non's can go a long way on a little love being poured into it.  A borderline, has a love tank that will not hold love, it's full of cavernous holes, you can pour as much in as you possibly can, but their tank will simply not hold it.  
We cannot fix them, another fact I had to accept.
It's not an easy process, but it protects you.
Love tank comes from Gary Chapman and The Five Love Languages, a great read for all, though not related to anything to do with borderline.  

[ICantFixHer]

I physically moved out on my exBPDgf a year ago next month; she was supposed to get therapy in the meantime.

That year away from her, in hindsight, saved my life. It gave me time to experience peace and stability, which led to introspection, which led to resolution.

I could never, ever have broken free of this cycle of insanity otherwise.

Hang in there and if it helps, your ex wants to communicate with you to maintain control. Don't hand it to them, make it as difficult as possible. Put your needs first, there is nothing wrong with that at all!

All the best.

[chillamom]

Thank you, drained1996 and Powell, for sharing your stories with me.  drained1996, I can relate to the idea of the "bottomless pit" of need that a person with BPD can be; I've been experiencing that for quite a while.  Nothing is ever enough, and I could literally wring myself dry to give him what he wants, and it's not sufficient.  I've been doing this for a long while, actually, and it's badly affected both me and my children.  It has to end, but the FOG is so thick!  I've been working on this whole guilt thing with my T, and am waiting for the understanding that I have to be represented in my own behavior and treatment of myself!  Ironic as hell, because I'm a psychologist!

And Powell, I've been following your story on here for a while and am very glad that the year of reflection you had was so valuable to you.  A decade is a long time (I'm close to that myself, really) and love/addiction/whatever this is can be terribly hard to leave behind; I'm certainly seeing that.

[drained1996]

I've been doing this for a long while, actually, and it's badly affected both me and my children.  It has to end,


And there is your own answer in your own words. 

Is there some guilt because you indeed are a psychiatrist and couldn't fix him?  If so you need to let go of that guilt, because you know from your profession that you cannot fix someone that is not willing to work on themselves.  He suffers from a serious mental illness and will do so for the rest of his life... .even with long term therapy, the illness will always be present.  We cannot fix them... .and that's a sad fact. 
I'm so sorry you and  your kids are having to deal with this torture, it's so damn hard especially since most of the rest of the world cannot even begin to comprehend this illness and the destruction it brings. 
In my own experience, the FOG will remain as long as there is contact. 

[chillamom]

Thanks, drained1996, for pointing my own words out to me.  How this has affected my children is indeed the most important factor to keep in mind.  Even though my youngest ones (twins, age 18) are technically adults, they still live at home while attending college, and one of them has told me that they have seen and heard more than I realize.  Scary stuff... .the one good thing is that I have made sure he has NEVER been around when they are home.  He did live with me years ago, but when that became too difficult for everyone, he moved out and for the past several years has only been here when my girls are not.  But that's untenable too... .anyway... .as to guilt... .oh yes, absolutely, I feel some guilt because even though I supposedly know "what to do" as a psychologist, nothing has made a dent (in him, that is - I'm PLENTY dented, ).  Dealing with him certainly reminds me that my choice of an academic/research career was a better one for me, because I am too much of a "fixer" to have the appropriate level of rational detachment that is needed in clinical practice.  And as I learn, one thing that has struck me is that personality disorders in general are really shunned in many cases by the professional community, and many of my colleagues who are in private practice will tell me that nothing builds their anxiety like a BPD/NPD/ASPD etc. walking in the door.  It's a terribly heartbreaking disorder both for sufferers and those who care about them.  I'm an "earth mother" type and a nurturer to a sometimes over-the-top degree, so I was a natural fit for a person who really needed re-parenting.  Such a shame that trying to help him tore everything else apart, and ultimately left him the worse for wear too I'm sure.  Thanks for sharing your experiences!

[drained1996]

 How this has affected my children is indeed the most important factor to keep in mind


Somewhere in your thoughts, you've left out the most important person in your life... .YOU.  I'd suggest you begin to take YOU into account.  And without the full YOU, yes, others in your life are affected for the worse.   This session was free... .next time I charge.   

[chillamom]

Thanks, drained1996!  Pretty much the same thing my T says... .but it takes her a lot longer!