female BPD affair i´m in love with suddenly ended it, but i want her back

[prettyfool]

Hi guys i am new to this forum and just recently found out about BPD so i´ll try my best to explain the circumstances of this delicate situation (sorry for the long text):
I´ve met this woman, who happens to suffer from BPD, 3 months ago at a swingers club. It started out as a purely sexual affair with us meeting about 2 - 3 times a week for sex. During this time, she was literally all over me (including paying for hotel rooms and dinners for both of us) and i had no choice but to fall in love. She told me about her daily marihuana use and past problems with hard drugs, which is normally a red flag for me as i absolutely, positively dont to any kind of drugs but i was already in love. She also told me about her BPD, and having went to theraply for years because of it, but i didnt really know anything about it and didnt bother looking it up (studid).

Still i felt like i had met my soulmate. Not only does she look exactly like i would describe a perfect woman, but she has a "gifted" IQ and is the most special woman ive met. Also she seemed to be like me and seemed to understand me. Now you have to understand that i was very vulnerable to this, as i am a rather eccentric person and dont have many friends, despite being extremely extroverted. One night stands come easily to me because i´m buff and good looking but i dont seem to be compatible to have a realationship with people. I have a lot of love to give which tends to freak people out.

But she "got me". Soon feelings became involved and she started implicating that she wanted more than sex, that she was falling in love with me and she was wondering where our relationship was going. That, along with her feeding my ego by telling me that she understood that i was different to any other guy out there, made me fall madly in love. But for some reason, i decided to play it cool. I did not even tell her that i liked her beyond sex. Also i kept going to the swingers club which she knew but said it didnt bother her. I did this because i was afraid of opening myself up to her and getting hurt (STUPID). At some point, she (probably gave up) also started having sex with other guys. This killed me but i was in no position to point fingers, so i acted cool.

We still kept spending nights together and meeting, though, and then she invided me to a 4 day trip to a foreign city. It was a business trip for her but i tagged along and we spent time during her free time. During the trip, she criticized me here and there about minor things, but i, being a stupid narcissist, behaved like a total jerk and took the confrontation to the next level:
I stormed out of the hotel room and came back at 3 am, on top of ignoring her the next day. This led to a fight after which we made up.( i never told her i was sorry though) We flew back home and everything seemed ok, albeit still a bit tense. We agreed to arrange our next meeting via text message and went our seperate ways.

3 days later, on saturday, however, she texted me this:

"*****, our time was beatiful but it is now over. Ive met someone ( one of the other guys shees screwing) who doesnt want to share me and i like that because hes a real catch and treats me like a princess. I wish you the best."
My answer: "im sorry you feel that way. i cant be mad becase you treated me so well and i wish would have shown you how much i like you. I will never forget you. If it doesnt work out, call me". She responded "i wont forget you either".
A day later i couldnt take it anymore and finally told her (via message) how i had loved her since we´d met but i´d never had the balls to tell her and how i regret that now.
Unfotunately, she hasnt replied.

Wednesday, the day before yesterday (3 days after the last one), i wrote another message:
"cant stop thinking about you. You´re the most beatiful, interesting and special woman i´ve ever met and will prob ever meet. I hope you´re happy. Sry for writing, you dont have to answer."
The goal here was to validate wigthout begging for her to come back.
Its wierd because she hasn´t replied but she also hasnt blocked me or told me to stop writing. My plan now is to write the next message in 2 days?
I know i´m behaving like a total fool and doormat here, but acting cool and distant evidently doesn´t work on her (because of her being borderline?) ... .


THIS GUY, who she refers to as a good catch, is a criminal who spent years in prison and is a cocaine dealer. I am very concerned that she will get hooked on that again, now that she´s "Going steady" with that guy.
Seems like this may have been a lie too, as i found a profile on the online "erotic dating" site, where i happen to be involved, too, which is 80 % probably hers... .

I desperately want her back but dont know what to do. Should i leave her alone for a while or should i keep validating her, telling her that shes the most special and beautiful woman out there and that i will always be there?


BPD WOMEN:
What should i do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi prettyfool,

Sorry you're hurting. It sounds like you fell hard for this woman.

BPD WOMEN:
What should i do?

Just want to make sure you know this site is for loved ones of BPD sufferers. There are other sites for BPD sufferers themselves. Is that what you're looking for?

Should i leave her alone for a while or should i keep validating her, telling her that shes the most special and beautiful woman out there and that i will always be there?

This doesn't sound like validation, it sounds more like stroking her ego or trying to appease her. Validation is the art of active listening. It is accepting and acknowledging a person's feelings, whether you agree with them or not. For example, "You had a difficult day at work and feel your boss singled you out for making a mistake. I understand how that could feel bad."

acting cool and distant evidently doesn´t work on her (because of her being borderline?)

People look for reassurance in relationships, it's normal to do that. She made herself vulnerable, and you didn't reciprocate. She didn't feel reassurance. So she continued to look for someone who might. That does not seem exclusive to being borderline.

What about her makes you believe she is BPD?

[prettyfool]

Hi prettyfool,

Sorry you're hurting. It sounds like you fell hard for this woman.

BPD WOMEN:
What should i do?

Just want to make sure you know this site is for loved ones of BPD sufferers. There are other sites for BPD sufferers themselves. Is that what you're looking for?

Should i leave her alone for a while or should i keep validating her, telling her that shes the most special and beautiful woman out there and that i will always be there?

This doesn't sound like validation, it sounds more like stroking her ego or trying to appease her. Validation is the art of active listening. It is accepting and acknowledging a person's feelings, whether you agree with them or not. For example, "You had a difficult day at work and feel your boss singled you out for making a mistake. I understand how that could feel bad."

acting cool and distant evidently doesn´t work on her (because of her being borderline?)

People look for reassurance in relationships, it's normal to do that. She made herself vulnerable, and you didn't reciprocate. She didn't feel reassurance. So she continued to look for someone who might. That does not seem exclusive to being borderline.

What about her makes you believe she is BPD?

She actually told me she had BPD diagnosed (along with ADHD), and that she had been in therapy for years. I know this board is for loved ones only, i guess i just briefly forgot that in the heat of the moment, after writing that long text.
And yes, i am hurting. When we parted at the airport, everything seemed ok, despite the fight. I´d just like to know from some people, who are more experienced with this, what would be the best way to proceed at this point? I think she told me a lie about that guy. I pretty sure that profile on the sex site is hers. She had another one, which i knew about (in the second half of our relationship we talked openly about these things), but she said she didnt have time for it anymore and deactivated it. The wierd thing is, the new profile had been active well before our trip and therefore before her ending it with me. It´s all very confusing... .
I can´t help but hope that she still likes me. I wonder i f she secretly enjoy the 2 messages i´ve sent during this week, because i know i would if i were her in this situation. But i could be wrong! That´s why i hope that some of the more experienced members here could maybe give me some advice.

[livednlearned]

You two met at a swinger's club, and it's possible she has an online dating profile up as a back-up, maybe (probably?) multiple sites, even when she's in a relationship, however short. A few beats after things went off the rails with you, she was with someone else. Non-monogamous may be how she rolls, no?

Are you wanting her to change that?

Or are you ok being one of the guys she is with, and not the guy?

[prettyfool]

You two met at a swinger's club, and it's possible she has an online dating profile up as a back-up, maybe (probably?) multiple sites, even when she's in a relationship, however short. A few beats after things went off the rails with you, she was with someone else. Non-monogamous may be how she rolls, no?

Are you wanting her to change that?

Or are you ok being one of the guys she is with, and not the guy?

Well, i know for a fact that she has been in a monogamous relationship for more than a decade. She was actually cheating on that guy with me and broke up with him a week after we´d met. Those first weeks i probably was the only guy because her first profile was created after that. I always wonder what would´ve happened, if i´d opened up to her during that time. That was the time when she told me that she wanted more, and stupid me didn´t react. But even on that last trip we were talking for ours, holding hands while in bed and all that kinda stuff. I don´t think she does that with all the guys cause that would be just really, really odd. That´s why i believe she must have feelings for me. At this point, i´d rather see her occasionally and be one of the guys than not see her at all. I mean i can have sex with other women(even though i don´t want to), too, so its fair i guess. Of course i´d love to be the only guy but you take what you get.

[prettyfool]

I´m just wondering how to proceed now, in order to preserve any (even if slim) chances of seeing her again. No contact? Leave her alone? Or keep messaging every 3 days?
I never beg he to come back in my messages, i just tell her how i miss her and how great she is. When she broke up, i accepted the breakup without begging.

[livednlearned]

I´m just wondering how to proceed now, in order to preserve any (even if slim) chances of seeing her again. No contact? Leave her alone? Or keep messaging every 3 days?
I never beg he to come back in my messages, i just tell her how i miss her and how great she is. When she broke up, i accepted the breakup without begging.

Often what can happen in BPD relationships is that our own attachment anxieties become activated. The very intense idealization phase is heady, intoxicating. Then it abruptly (very abruptly, in some cases) ends.

We become destabilized and start to lose ourselves, and behave in ways that might be unusual or counter to how we usual respond.

There is a hint of desperation. Do you think she might be able to pick up on this? If so, what might her response be? We don't know her and can't say for sure, so these are genuine questions for you to answer.

[prettyfool]

Well, the reason she broke up was probably me distancing myself that night at the hotel, when i walked out of the room, which may have triggered her abandonment issues(Im still new to this so please correct me if i´m wrong). I was thinking that my needy desperation might give her the feeling that i won´t abandon her but be there no matter what.  Then again, i still never asked her to give me another chance or anything like that, so it´s not THAT desperate.
In the first message one day after the breakup i told her that i loved her but i know that it´s too late now and that i´ll have to deal with it. In the second message 3 days later i told her that i´m always thinking about her and that she´s the most beatiful, intersting and specail woman ive aver met. I said that i hope she´s  happy and that she doesn´t have to answer.
In a way i tried to imply that i love her but i´m still accepting her decision. But who knows, maybe she would pick on full desperation mode or the other extreme, no contact at all. Unfortunately i´m not a psychic.
My plan for now is to let close to a week pass since the last message and then tell her that i still miss her like crazy, and that i miss that feeling i had when we were together.