how to detach?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I think this relationship has failed even if I'm not sure if it's over. It ended once, last December, then restarted again. He just sabotaged it again (just when it was becoming stable and close -- they do that, don't they). When I expressed how I felt about it, he gave me an excuse why it wouldn't work out -- my children -- and I haven't heard from him in a week. That has been our pattern though. It won't explicitly end, we just won't talk for a while, until we do again. I had though over these last few months, that he caused chaos in the rest of his life but I was so important to him that he somehow could hold it together for me. Well, he can't. He is not diagnosed BPD, but he strongly believes he is (fits the criteria including cutting), as do I. I also thought that because he is aware of it, he can mitigate the effects. But he can't.

I can't live my life like this. But it is incredibly painful right now. I feel like I have stepped away and need to keep walking in the opposite direction. How do I detach? My heart is tugging me in the opposite direction.

[Narkiss]

I think this relationship has failed even if I'm not sure if it's over. It ended once, last December, then restarted again. He just sabotaged it again (just when it was becoming stable and close -- they do that, don't they). When I expressed how I felt about it, he gave me an excuse why it wouldn't work out -- my children -- and I haven't heard from him in a week. That has been our pattern though. It won't explicitly end, we just won't talk for a while, until we do again. I had though over these last few months, that he caused chaos in the rest of his life but I was so important to him that he somehow could hold it together for me. Well, he can't. He is not diagnosed BPD, but he strongly believes he is (fits the criteria including cutting), as do I. I also thought that because he is aware of it, he can mitigate the effects. But he can't.

I can't live my life like this. But it is incredibly painful right now. I feel like I have stepped away and need to keep walking in the opposite direction. How do I detach? My heart is tugging me in the opposite direction.

[LilMe]

Narkiss 

I came here to get support and encouragement today, but all the pain I read about makes me forget mine for a moment and want to help make others' pain go away!  The pushing and pulling of these relationships is unbearable at times.  It sounds like you know what you must do, but your FOG is still working on you pulling you back in.  The decision must be yours, but it seems like you could stop the cycle of pain by not getting sucked back into the relationship.  Easier said than done, right?

I am just over 3 months of leaving my uBPD and very LC.  At first he stalked me and contacted me constantly, but now I am painted black and getting the silent treatment.  When I drop the children for a visit he totally ignores me and won't even acknowledge when I say hi.  I have moments now when I am happy and think 'I can do this'.  Which is usually shortly followed by tears and engulfing sadness and missing him.  This is soo hard!  I have my children to keep me busy most of the time.  I don't know how I could do it with out them.  It does seem that as time away from him goes on, the highs and lows come less and less.

Have you spent some working through the Lessons here on the Detaching Board?  Do you have family/friend support?  Is there something you love to do that will take your mind off things for a while?  We seem to forget about ourselves in a relationship like this.  It will be a long process for me to get to know myself again and start to take care of me and I suppose the same would be true for you.

Let us know how you are doing!   

[gotbushels]

Hi Narkiss 

He just sabotaged it again (just when it was becoming stable and close -- they do that, don't they).

Yes, they do. 

When I expressed how I felt about it, he gave me an excuse why it wouldn't work out -- my children -- and I haven't heard from him in a week.

I know you won't forget, but I'd just like to kindly re-raise that your children are also a blessing. Please don't validate him trying to use your blessings as a reason for his unhappiness. His feelings and reactions start with him--both good and terrible.

He is not diagnosed BPD, but he strongly believes he is (fits the criteria including cutting), as do I.

Cutting is sometimes considered a hallmark behaviour of pwBPD.

I hope you're feeling better 

[Mutt]

Hi Narkiss,

I also thought that because he is aware of it, he can mitigate the effects. But he can't.

I'm sorry to hear that things are difficult for you at the moment. That's good to hear that he has self-awareness. I can see how that would be difficult to curb dysfunctional behaviors, it's not easy to think and act differently, it takes a lot of effort. Is he getting help for his mental illness or is he interested in helping himself? Is he in CBT, DBT or schema therapy?

[fromheeltoheal]

I feel like I have stepped away and need to keep walking in the opposite direction. How do I detach? My heart is tugging me in the opposite direction.

You detach by doing what you're doing: walking in the opposite direction.  That's metaphorical I'm assuming, and specifically, you can start to shift the focus from him to you and from the past to the future.  And while you're at it, develop a compelling vision for your future, a dream life of your own creation that you would love living, make it big and bright so it pulls you towards it, and then take one step in that direction.  And then another.  You'll be going on faith initially, but after a while you'll start to notice progress, which builds momentum, and then the journey takes on a life of its own, and before you know it you'll look back and be amazed at how far you've come.

And your ex will just fade into the past, without you realizing it really, you're too busy living your life.  The best way to fight something is don't fight it, create something new.  Take care of you!

[StayStrongNow]

It was so hard to detach, I tried reconciling several times but each time I would get beat up physically (literally twice), emotionally and mentally. I changed phones but whenever I hear a certain ring alert from another person's phone it brings me back to the time of horror when her text or voice massages or calls were simply satanic, with intense devaluing exclusively. And I took it and could not detach and in essence went back for more.

I remember needing to contact her, I did not know she had BPD, I thought it but the Christisn T said it wasn't so. So the seconds turned to minutes and minutes turned to hours of this wanting her to "snap out of it".

Fast forward to now, I cannot stand her, I am in shackles with her because we have children together and even though I have full custody I still need to see her during drop offs and pick ups of parenting time. It is now misery of any contact with her and her mother.

Love is blind but now I see clearly not only the BPD "stuff", but I had r/s with prettier and more fit women before. Now I look at her photos and think why did I marry her and why was I married to her for 9 1/2 years?

It didn't come easy but it came suddenly, I just see she is sick, she turned ugly and now I realize it would have never worked.

I don't think anyone can tell you how to detach exactly, but the knowledge you gain from reading and texting to these posts will help you find your own way.

And don't be surprised that suddenly one day you realize that you need out and you need it right then and there and you then move on with the most important thing for you, your life!

[Mutt]

It is now misery of any contact with her and her mother.

It takes time to detach and sometimes we have set backs, you will get to a place where you can leave this all behind and look forward to the future and feel peace in the moment. Is she contacting you about your child or is she bringing other things into the mix? Is it hard to see her at the exchanges?

[StayStrongNow]

Mutt, thank you for your post. As I have detached she became more venomous towards me. The same goes for her mother. There were some ugly texts flying my way last Friday night from her mother using her daughter's (my stbxBPDw) phone, I already have blocked the MIL.

Anyway, I basically responded in texting her back that I felt sorry for the MIL also a BPD. There was a side of me thinking I shouldn't have added to my text for it did not really help my healing and my moving on, but I just felt like letting them know what I now know. My stbx is a BPD and the MIL is also a BPD married to a NPD. I know you cannot reason with a BPD for part of their brain dealing with emotions is primitive but I was direct and firm anyway. Surprising, I did not hear anything from them, they always FaceTime the kids Saturday and Sunday nights because I have my three children every weekend. I don't think they saw the light, rather they just painted me blacker.

A big part of my ability to detach occurred because I became aware of BPD because of this site and others.

I had one of the best weekends ever with the kids!

[Mutt]

I don't think they saw the light, rather they just painted me blacker.

That's great that you spent a nice weekend with the kids. I agree with you that it helps to learn about BPD, that way we can depersonalize the behaviors. A pwBPD have low self worth, low self esteem, self loath, some experts say that BPD is a shame based disorder. It can be a difficult thing for anyone in general to look in the mirror and own their actions but for my ex it triggers painful feelings of shame, another failed relationship, a failed marriage.

[Zinnia21]

I really understand your conflict Narkiss.

When you say that you don't talk for a while, until you do again... .I know that too well! But sadly it was always on his terms that we weren't speaking, and was never my choice or preference. Even in that way they seize control, through silencing, and we are waiting patiently for them to return.

I'm 2 days out of our fourth breakup. Like you, I've waited there, knowing he is afflicted with this condition, hoping for improvement. You love the 'good' side and long for the happy times to return, but they seem shorter and shorter lived.

I very nearly ended it myself recently, due to his distancing and silent punishing. But I've become so accustomed to waiting and hoping that I didn't make the move to finish it.
And just a few days later, he pulled the pin again.
A bunch of outrageous accusations and blaming, 'that' look was in his eye and I knew this rant... .i knew what was coming. The big exit. He has not only used my child as a reason, but many other hurtful and illogical ideas about me too.

If I could turn back time by a week, I'd call it on him, be the one to make it end, and feel empowered by it. But however you go with it, if you stay or go, so many of us here understand the feeling of being enmeshed by a BPD partner and the cycle that keeps on rolling... .I've always been so lost and craved his return to make it better again. But the anxious fear I've carried around about him leaving again, after returning, was getting unbearable.

I'm heart broken of course, but now I'm familiar with BPD (unlike our past breakups) I'm beginning to realise the impossible nature of what I've chosen to live with in that r/s. If you have a strong sense that it's on the edge of disintegration, your hunch is likely quite right!

Here is an article which describes the impossible circumstances and traits created by BPD relationships.
It's not particularly sympathetic towards BPD but it's very real and accurate about what their partners experience.

It has helped me get through this afternoon of 'day 2 of breakup' and is keeping my views firm on walking in the other direction away from him. My phone is blocked, I feel I have to keep it that way.

www.gettingbetter.com/anatomy.html

Hope the link works to the article... .

Even if you can't bring yourself to walk away right now, don't feel bad, it's understandable.
I didn't know if I could deal with this breakup, yet here I am, determined to move forward. It was him that did it, but same result! A breakup! And I'm sticking to it this time:)

[Narkiss]

Zinnia, yes, I see a lot of my relationship in that article. Especially how he pursues what is unavailable and then sabotages the relationship when it is. And this will go on and on (unless of course it is over in his mind, which would be a relief) unless I stop responding. I think he turns to me when he needs comforting and someone to make him feel wonderful or when he feels extremely confident (because in some ways he loves my life). When I make him feel bad, he walks. I am waking up to the reality that this is who he is and what he does. And of course I can continually gamble on him coming back until one day he won't.

[Zinnia21]

I think it's even more confusing for your heart when they pull out after a period of settled closeness like that. Just an awful and confusing, devastating contrast.
I think that's part of what kept me going back, thinking of how it had just been so good, and shocked that it seemed like he couldn't remember that or believe in that.
Our second and most awful breakup happened straight after our most blissful time and second year anniversary, days after it. He had literally just said he wanted to marry me!
It sucks so much.