I'm 2 days into yet another horrific end.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi there all! So I'm 2 days into yet another horrific end.
 But this is the last time, it has to be. There's no way around it now.

Whether you've been pushed away once, or several times, you'll know the odd confusion of it all. Wondering how they were just having a lovely dinner with you last night and... .now it's over... ?

Or you sorta knew it was coming again, and so it did... .and here you... are at 'the end'... .again

Anyway, if you're out of the relationship now and thinking you should STAY out, read this article. It's giving me some 'healthy' anger, or empowerment somehow!

It's not very sympathetic towards BPD as its highlighting the impossible nature of a relationship with them. But for those in my type of frame of mind, it may be helpful. A reason to keep moving away from the relationship.

It's helping me through 'day 2' of being discarded again. I hope it helps someone else too.

www.gettingbetter.com/anatomy.html

[Zinnia21]

Hi there all! So I'm 2 days into yet another horrific end.
 But this is the last time, it has to be. There's no way around it now.

Whether you've been pushed away once, or several times, you'll know the odd confusion of it all. Wondering how they were just having a lovely dinner with you last night and... .now it's over... ?

Or you sorta knew it was coming again, and so it did... .and here you... are at 'the end'... .again

Anyway, if you're out of the relationship now and thinking you should STAY out, read this article. It's giving me some 'healthy' anger, or empowerment somehow!

It's not very sympathetic towards BPD as its highlighting the impossible nature of a relationship with them. But for those in my type of frame of mind, it may be helpful. A reason to keep moving away from the relationship.

It's helping me through 'day 2' of being discarded again. I hope it helps someone else too.

www.gettingbetter.com/anatomy.html

[UnforgivenII]

Thanks a lot. I am in day 5. I am going to read it

[Narkiss]

Yes, it helps because it's not us and it's not our fault. It's patterns within them that they cannot break and replicate with anyone they are with. Like a disease with certain symptoms. Of course we can manage it better or worse depending on how we act but it's always there and will always be there unless they get treatment and even then... .I have fooled myself too many times that this time will be different. It is not. Yes he may contact me and yours may contact you and the pain will go away. For awhile. Until it happens again. I know this although my emotions pull me in another direction

[Zinnia21]

Well Narkiss, don't be hard on yourself in any way in making this decision.
I was finding it very hard to make the call being that I'd invested so much into him or 'us' already. But that period of waiting and wondering if / when they'll return, it's hell on earth isn't it?

Plus they will never understand or truly empathise with what we go through in that space. They can't understand sadly. Perhaps glimpses of empathy, but they're too hung up on their victim mentality ie- the 'reason' they were 'forced' to leave you in the first place which is YOUR fault.

But like you, I do have empathy and patience. Though I've now lived through 4 of these breakups, one of them he didn't come back for 3 months! It was the WORST  3 months of my life, it truly was. I didn't know of BPD then.

My therapist says its up to me now to make the firm decision to get off the roller coaster as yes, it does just go up and down and round and round on its cycle.

I had finally decided that we needed to talk and I wanted to express MY ideal of what I wanted, within reason. Such as him properly committing to me and him actively pursuing his mental health. But he cut me short anyway and had a ranting accusing verbal attack and ended it... .again...

His thoughts about me and my friends and my 'crimes' (non existent!) were so awful during that outburst, I finally felt I'd heard enough. He can't control it, and he can't control his flight response.

Maybe in 5 or 10 years, if we met after he'd done lots of therapy, perhaps then it'd be the match made in heaven that I thought it could still be. But as you know, waiting for that to fall into place, and for them to be committed to the process of healing and the relationship in the here and now, where it matters, is another story. And compromises your whole existence in the meanwhile.

I'm really no wise sage here, still in pain! But taking a different view and blocked my phone from him, something I never thought I could do!
Because I don't want to hear
a) the deafening silence of NO messages or calls (the worst option)
b) an angry rant full of delusion blaming OR
c) a mild mannered apology, made from a numb and distant place

I feel for you in that place of waiting. Can you think of what your 'ideal' might look like and try to put it to him... ? Such as him getting help and you working on it together... .otherwise 'no deal'.
It's so hard though!