Think I'm being played again...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My son's mother has been silent since Sunday afternoon.

Text me today to ask how our son is feeling, he's just getting over ear infection, she asked if I could keep him a while longer? I said no problem.

She says she's having medical issues, I didn't respond.

She texts later, now has a medical emergency on her hands.

Since telling her I was not interested in her problems I think she's ramping up the drama to see if I'll bite?

She no longer goes into detail but gives just enough info to tease my curiosity. I could be wrong?

Is she that desperate? Her bf isn't enough?

[JerryRG]

My son's mother has been silent since Sunday afternoon.

Text me today to ask how our son is feeling, he's just getting over ear infection, she asked if I could keep him a while longer? I said no problem.

She says she's having medical issues, I didn't respond.

She texts later, now has a medical emergency on her hands.

Since telling her I was not interested in her problems I think she's ramping up the drama to see if I'll bite?

She no longer goes into detail but gives just enough info to tease my curiosity. I could be wrong?

Is she that desperate? Her bf isn't enough?

[fromheeltoheal]

Since telling her I was not interested in her problems I think she's ramping up the drama to see if I'll bite?

She no longer goes into detail but gives just enough info to tease my curiosity. I could be wrong?

Is she that desperate? Her bf isn't enough?

Pretty much.  The standard borderline take is she's testing to see if an emotional attachment is still in place with you; borderlines hate to lose attachments, it's the worst thing that could ever happen.  She may be desperate in the sense that she interprets you not biting as abandonment, which freaks her out, regardless of the other attachments that may be in her life.

[JerryRG]

Thank you fromheeltoheal

That is so incredibly sad, it has to be true in this case because this behaviour is repeated so often. Always the sick and holding on for dear life.

Then nothing becomes of it, just fades away until she gets "sick" again.

Wow, I did not realize how horrible it must be for her, I know I hurt her when I asked her to leave and I really had no other options. I still don't see her for who she really is.

[fromheeltoheal]

Wow, I did not realize how horrible it must be for her, I know I hurt her when I asked her to leave and I really had no other options. I still don't see her for who she really is.

Yes, the disorder creates a no-win situation: the fear of abandonment causes behaviors that are unacceptable, so the partner leaves, abandons the borderline, so the original fear becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.  It is sad, the compassionate thing to do being only leave a borderline once.

[Wize]

Jerry, I think you're really going to have to take some action in your custody arrangement.  It's clear that the ongoing interactions you have with your ex are unhealthy, triggering and just downright negative.  

You need to establish BOUNDARIES.  How can you do this?  

1. Get the parenting wizard.  It allows both parents to interact without having to talk or text.

2. Get google voice, when she calls, press 4 on your phone and it will automatically record the call and download to google voice.

3. Establish a "no contact unless an Emergency" rule.  Her emergencies are NOT emergencies, they are bullsh!t tactics to drum up drama and attention.  A sick kid is not an emergency, a rough day is not an emergency, bumps and bruises are not an emergency, her medical conditions are not an emergency.  

You have to set these things up or you're custody arrangement is going to continue to be a huge source of stress for you.

[JerryRG]

Thank you Wize

Yes, bounderies and the more I enforce mine the more she resists and pushes for my attention.

I will look into Patenting Wizard

I know she cannot be as sick as she leads on, she gets out of the responsibility of caring for our son plus attention from everyone she announces this too, except me. I do not respond to anything other than the topic of our son.

She truly is broken

[Wize]

I will look into Parenting Wizard

Yeah man.  And be really careful that you're not persisting in this unhealthy interaction with your ex simply because you don't want to fully detach from her.

Parenting wizard is really cool.  I watched my ex BPD wife use it with her exhusband.  Funny how I didn't see that as a huge red flag.  Her ex wanted nothing to do with her except for exchanging the kids.

With the parenting wizard you use an online calendar.  Each parent can log on and add things to the calendar.  Exchanges, holidays, school functions, etc.  With this program their is no need for her to vomit her garbage all over you. BIFF.  You need to keep things business like.  You know why she texts you?  Because you respond.  You feed her disorder... .in some ways you're enabling her.  Reel this situation in and you'll be so much happier, less stressful and in a position to move on and start dating and find someone new. 

Be disciplined.  Don't continue to let this harpy have her way with you.   

[Mutt]

The Parenting Wizard is a good tool but both parents have to agree to use it. JerryRG, do you think that your ex will agree ro cooperate with using that tool? It can be difficult with a parent that is a HCP ( high conflict personality ) Have you looked into parallel parenting?

[Wize]

The Parenting Wizard is a good tool but both parents have to agree to use it. JerryRG, do you think that your ex will agree ro cooperate with using that tool? It can be difficult with a parent that is a HCP ( high conflict personality ) Have you looked into parallel parenting?

That's sort of why I also mentioned google voice, so that he can record his phone calls with his ex and then present them to the court as his reasoning behind wanting limited interaction with his ex.  Using that tool he can very easily email the audio files to his lawyer as well.   

[Mutt]

The phone can be emotional and you can get caught off guard. That's a good idea Wize. I like to slow down our interactions, give thought to my response before responding and give my ex a chance to cool off by not responding right away. I'll.wait 24 or sometimes 48 hours before I reply. I use email and it's in black and white and can be forwarded to a lawyer.  I haven't talked to my ex on the phone for three years, I don't hear her tone or worry about mine and everything is tracked electronically which is what you want so it's not he said she said. Take whatever idea suits you and use it as your own.

[Wize]

I think Jerry should strive for a custody arrangement like yours, Mutt. It's simple and low impact.

[Mutt]

I'm lucky that there's parallel parenting today. I feel like the solutions from the courts are cookie cutter, one size fits all and it doesn't take mental illness  into account. I can understand that people could accuse another parent to be unfit and we have to prove that but parallel parenting allows both households to run parallel without the input of either parent into the other parents home. I can't imagine how that would be to be ordered by a judge to coparent with an HCP.

Our relationship is over, I don't like drama and I want to minimize it as much as possible and live life in peace.  I saw how my exBPDw treated the parents of my ex step daughters' and parallel parenting was nit around when my exBPDw left her father. He never got a proper court order and it was hellish with how she would change stipulations because of how she felt in that moment.

To take control is to set the boundaries on ourselves. If ex called or texted I would respond back by email until she eventually got it that's the only channel that I'll respond back and I don't talk about any personal stuff to give her an opportunity to create conflict. Most of what is communicated between us today is what time do we drop off or pick the kids on the exchange days. At the beginning she would devaluate me in front of the kids and I would just pick them up and go, today she knows that I won't respond at the exchanges to that type of behavior, she doesn't try. It's not easy at the onset, it paya off in the long run but removing the drama from parenting after the r/s is over can be done. I hope that helps.

[Ripples]

Pretty much.  The standard borderline take is she's testing to see if an emotional attachment is still in place with you; borderlines hate to lose attachments, it's the worst thing that could ever happen.  She may be desperate in the sense that she interprets you not biting as abandonment, which freaks her out, regardless of the other attachments that may be in her life.


This is quite a telling comment. I'm many years out of my relationship and 3 years ago I asked her to let me finally go now that she is married with a family. She wanted to keep in contact plus to be "friends" on facebook, which we were at the time, but i stopped that and went on my way. Even now, 10 years after the end of the relationship and 3 years after our last contact she still checks my LinkedIn profile. We are not connected but of course, it does tell you who has viewed you.

In my experience, they do certainly hate losing attachments regardless of the status of their direct relationship.

[JerryRG]

Got this text today around noon

How's (son) doing.  Been talking to mom so she knows how sick I am and what's all going on so you two can communicate about stuff if (son) is needing something ... .she is making me go back to dr right away this afternoon. It's kinda a good thing I'm sick and he's with u cuz they r reshingling our roof in the apartment.  Anyway I hope I don't have to be in the hospital because I'm missing (son) so badly but shouldn't be around him until the Dr's get ahold of what's happening I am on antibiotics but a new issue has came up it needs a biopsy so... .I do not want (son) getting whatever this is... .as I said I won't go into detail but mom knows and also she told me last wk she would pay 2 days for (son) daycare this wk. To help out


------------

She's revealing more information and I just ignored this text from her and did not respond

I don't have a clue what she's trying to tell me and I really don't care. Our son is safe with me, he's grumpy tonight but he's ok.

[Mutt]

I think that she's saying she can't watch him because of medical reasons or that she doesn't want to watch him and doesn't know how to ask you.

[Herodias]

Mine had elevated liver enzymes a while back... .did he tell his doctor that he drank a ton? - no. He told him he occasionally had a couple beers. He went so far as to have a liver biopsy to get everyone concerned about him and to get out of work. Ultimately I went to the dr. with mine and told the dr. how much he drank. He pinched me really hard to try and stop me from telling the dr. in the office... .I refused to let him get away with it. The dr. was  really mad and told him to come back when he was 3 months sober... .  I am not saying she may not have anything wrong, but I am saying sometimes they take things really far to get attention. It does sound like she wants you to have him, plus, since you are trying to get custody, she is probably trying to come up with a reason that it is ok  you have him anyway... .

[JerryRG]

Thanks everyone

I believe she is playing games, she's been saying the chemo thing for a long time now with absolutely no evidence to back it up. She says she prays herself into being cured. I asked her mother just now and she said her daughter is sick but won't disclose the nature of her illness.

I can only guess my son's mother is fishing for my attention to see if I will break my boundery that I placed a few weeks ago when I asked her to respect my and her privacy and leave our personal lives out of our conversations.

This is irritating me because I believe she's trying to get my attention and who knows what else. I cannot afford to think about her.

I showed my pastor the text today, he said "stay away from her!"

I'm tired and this makes me angry, she cannot tell the truth and one day she won't find anyone to believe her and her behaviours are unacceptable for our son to be around.

[Wize]

Jerry, forgive my bluntness, but you seem to still be obsessed with your ex.  Do you think this is true?

[JerryRG]

Yes Wise I do think about her still way too often but when I do I don't have the sense of desperation I did just a few months ago. Now I just want to run and hide from her forever. It's these annoying texts, I politely ask her to just talk about our son but as you can see in her text, she fishing for my attention.

I've learned enough and have many tools at my disposal to handle life and take care of our son. I just want his mother to get well, stop the lies, get help, I sometimes feel like sense she's so unstable it undermines our parenting. I'm just waiting for her to screw things up for our son.

I can't even wrap my mind around who she is anymore or what her goals are, certainly seems as though she's still on this kick about being seriously sick.

She presents a front to me she's well, then she's sick and this cycle repeats about on a weekly basis.

I did get a ringing endorsement from my exgfs mother, she told me just moments ago our son is much more stable in my care. She joins pretty much everyone else in saying this.

Yes I think what if? What if she got well one day and she loved me again. Then I realize, she never loved me, she cannot love anyone including herself or our son.

I've busted my a$$ for almost 4 years in Alanon, AA, church, councelors, codependency books, patenting classes, doing everything I can to get well. Even kicking my son's mother out of my life just to do the right thing.

It has been tough but living the way I was was no picnic either.

Growing up is painful, my son don't have a voice, he can't make choices yet, he can't take care of himself.

Neither can his mother, she's just too sick.

I pray she gets well, I'm done hating her. Yes she tore my heart out but she is sick, I must never forget that

[Wize]

You know, I've read pretty much all your posts, Jerry.  As much as a stranger online can care how someone is doing, I do.  I want you to not have so much stress in your life and be able to relax and enjoy life after being in a relationship with that horrible woman... .and she is horrible, don't forget that.

The title of the thread "Think I'm being played again." That right there shows your position as the victim.  You're not being played, you're allowing yourself to be played because you're still emotionally attached to your ex.  Which by the way is 100% understandable and I would never try to minimize that.  Our attachment to these pwBPD is unbelievably durable.  My ex is accusing me of domestic violence and child abuse... .and I still love the wretched beast.

Removing yourself from this stressful and painful dynamic still present with your ex means that you are going to have to make some big decisions. They will have a lasting affect on your level of communication with your ex... .and that's what you need for your own health and your son's well being.  Your ex's well being?  Let her new puppet boy toy deal with that.  Ain't your problem and never will be again.  She's a leech that sucks the life blood out of everyone who gets close to her.  :)on't ever allow her to get those fangs into you again.

Start making your life and your thoughts and focus about YOU... .never about her again. Look into parallel parenting and look into the programs I suggested earlier.  I hope you do.    

[JerryRG]

Thank you Wise

There are 2 things I do that I have practiced for a very long time, one is self pity and the other is playing a victum

I have to be told when I'm doing it because I don't realize it, my character defects are deeply ingrained.

Thank you and you are right, my exgf disgusts me and she would sell her soul and mine and our sons for any price. I've seen it many times before.

I will look into parallel parenting.

I know when everyone tells me the very same things over and over that it is true.

She's only interested in our son as a means to control me.
Just because I don't want to accept it don't make it any less true.

I need to start dealing in fact and like you said stop trying to understand someone who have no explanation.


Thanks again Wise, you truly are a good friend

[bunny4523]

You know, I've read pretty much all your posts, Jerry.  As much as a stranger online can care how someone is doing, I do.  I want you to not have so much


I think wise has some good points Jerry. I'd like to see some posts about how you are doing... .What you and your son are doing... .Less about her.

[JerryRG]

Thanks bunny4523

I agree and I really appreciate your advice. 

We both had a wonderful day, I worked, he went to daycare. Picked him up and we went to the pool. It was very hot here today, we had a great time. He was so tired and took a nap after we got home. His occupational therapist knocked on our door (I wasn't paying attention) had to wake my son up, he was grumpy and crabby and threw some tantrums. No big deal because he's only 2. Had dinner and went to visit friends, brought him home and gave him a bath, he grumbled and went to bed.

I have a mild headache from my son bashing his forehead into my forehead 3 times in the same spot. He's a rough and tumble boy, normal, happy and absolutely beautiful!

[bunny4523]

Awe see that post made me smile!

Boys can be rough... .I remember, I had 3.  Broke my big toe once kicking one of them (in a playful way) telling him to get up off the floor since the tickeling wasn't working.  We laughed so hard about that, I must have connected just perfectly with his boney hip bone.  So many funny stories.  I remember my 3 year old put his hamster into the VCR because he wanted to see him on t.v. I had to take the t.v. apart because it was one of those combo vcr/tv devices.  Just as I was rescuing the little fuzzy guy and placing him on the floor, our siberian husky swooped him up into her mouth.   I dropped the tv and grabbed the dog.   Dog didn't hurt it but dang those boys kept me busy.  They still do and the youngest is 17 now.

Have a great day,
Bunny