I don't know that I'm up to this

[Depression = 72% of members]

First post on this sub-board-- I'm trying to get on top of the ongoing crisis in my family and do the difficult personal work of really growing up.  My wife has sort-of-undiagnosed BPD-- she was diagnosed during a breakup years before we met, but showed minimal signs of it for the first few years of our relationship.  Since then, her therapists have declined to explicitly confirm the diagnosis, though they did recommend DBT when she decompensated.  She’s in DBT and doing better, but I’m feeling overwhelmed by the work I’ll need to do to remain healthy in a relationship with her. 

I have plenty of my own issues: estranged uBPD mom, emotionally distant dad, a lifelong struggle with depression and ADHD, and (beyond the scope of this board) I’m transgender, still only a couple years into my life as male.  Emotional intimacy, validation, and honesty were close to the top of my list of necessities in a partner, and all seemed to be qualities my wife had in spades when we met-- yet now, she cannot consistently meet any of these needs.  I still feel great affection for her, I enjoy her company and want to be with her.  And we now have two young children.  The only thing I can imagine worse than being raised by a mom with BPD, is being raised by a single mom with BPD.  I did that, and it was not fun. 

Despite years of therapy, a reasonably fearless and searching self-inventory, the conscious decision to avoid the same pattern, and being born a woman, I find myself in the same position as my father-- and I'm struggling not to make his mistakes.  How do these patterns replicate themselves despite our earnest attempts to prevent it?

I want to stay, I *have* to stay, the path to the greatest happiness for all of us requires me to stay.  But in order to do that, I'll have to change and grow in ways I have not thought possible, or even desirable, in the past.  And that’s on top of the not-inconsiderable self-work I was already doing. 

I must learn to tolerate her rages without being triggered by reminders of my family of origin; I must break free from the grip of “should” and trust and respect what *is*; I must take care of myself even in the face of her accusations and demands; I must maintain a stable center in the whirling storm of her moods; I must model validation and support for my children, and help them develop a healthy set of boundaries and coping skills.  I have to maintain a healthy set of boundaries and coping skills for myself. 

I must accept the path I’ve chosen and follow it where it goes, though I would have chosen very differently if I’d known it would take me *here*.  Regret and resentment can only do harm, now.     

I’ve got a job of work ahead of me.  Whoever said "let it be a challenge to you," wasn't kidding.  And I don't know if I'm up to meeting the challenge. 

[NotThatGuy]

First post on this sub-board-- I'm trying to get on top of the ongoing crisis in my family and do the difficult personal work of really growing up.  My wife has sort-of-undiagnosed BPD-- she was diagnosed during a breakup years before we met, but showed minimal signs of it for the first few years of our relationship.  Since then, her therapists have declined to explicitly confirm the diagnosis, though they did recommend DBT when she decompensated.  She’s in DBT and doing better, but I’m feeling overwhelmed by the work I’ll need to do to remain healthy in a relationship with her. 

I have plenty of my own issues: estranged uBPD mom, emotionally distant dad, a lifelong struggle with depression and ADHD, and (beyond the scope of this board) I’m transgender, still only a couple years into my life as male.  Emotional intimacy, validation, and honesty were close to the top of my list of necessities in a partner, and all seemed to be qualities my wife had in spades when we met-- yet now, she cannot consistently meet any of these needs.  I still feel great affection for her, I enjoy her company and want to be with her.  And we now have two young children.  The only thing I can imagine worse than being raised by a mom with BPD, is being raised by a single mom with BPD.  I did that, and it was not fun. 

Despite years of therapy, a reasonably fearless and searching self-inventory, the conscious decision to avoid the same pattern, and being born a woman, I find myself in the same position as my father-- and I'm struggling not to make his mistakes.  How do these patterns replicate themselves despite our earnest attempts to prevent it?

I want to stay, I *have* to stay, the path to the greatest happiness for all of us requires me to stay.  But in order to do that, I'll have to change and grow in ways I have not thought possible, or even desirable, in the past.  And that’s on top of the not-inconsiderable self-work I was already doing. 

I must learn to tolerate her rages without being triggered by reminders of my family of origin; I must break free from the grip of “should” and trust and respect what *is*; I must take care of myself even in the face of her accusations and demands; I must maintain a stable center in the whirling storm of her moods; I must model validation and support for my children, and help them develop a healthy set of boundaries and coping skills.  I have to maintain a healthy set of boundaries and coping skills for myself. 

I must accept the path I’ve chosen and follow it where it goes, though I would have chosen very differently if I’d known it would take me *here*.  Regret and resentment can only do harm, now.     

I’ve got a job of work ahead of me.  Whoever said "let it be a challenge to you," wasn't kidding.  And I don't know if I'm up to meeting the challenge. 

[momtario]

All I can say is that I hear you.

  take care 

[NotThatGuy]

All I can say is that I hear you.

  take care 

  thanks

[heartandwhole]

Hi NotThatGuy,

I can really understand your feelings of being overwhelmed. You really have a lot going on, and I know in your position, I'd feel very weighed down by the task before me. Along with lots of other feelings, like guilt, self-doubt, and resentment. I very much admire the strength and courage that you clearly have already exhibited working on your FOO issues, and your willingness to admit that you are uncertain about your ability to handle what you need to going forward.

I noticed quite a few "musts" in your post and wonder what it would feel like if you entertained the thought that those "musts" simply aren't true? I mean, what if you didn't have to do and be all those things? What if that thought were more true, how might it feel (in your body, for example)?

I'm definitely not saying you don't have to do those things, or implying that you shouldn't, or anything like that. I know you "will" do them, but digging deep into your personal truth, you might find that you don't "have to" do anything; that in reality you want to do all those things, or most of them, or some of them... .

By enquiring into the verity of those thoughts, you just might feel some space to breathe a little, a pause to feel what's stirring underneath that mountain of "musts." Getting in there may show you a different perspective that feels more spacious and like you have choices, instead of what may in the moment feel like duties.

Not sure if this is making sense, but wanted to throw it out there as a way to offer up some space for you to be front and center with nothing to "do" at the moment. 

heartandwhole

[NotThatGuy]

I noticed quite a few "musts" in your post and wonder what it would feel like if you entertained the thought that those "musts" simply aren't true? I mean, what if you didn't have to do and be all those things? What if that thought were more true, how might it feel (in your body, for example)?
. . .

That's. . .  a really interesting question.  I mean, if I didn't have to do all that, that would mean my whole life was different.  Because from where I am, while I could make different choices, the outcomes would be much, much worse.  And they are all things I want to do.  But, given a free choice (though no choice is ever really free), I'd place seeking safety above tolerance of avoidable danger.  

I mean, that's what I did with my FOO.  I didn't learn to tolerate the abuse, I got away from it as fast as I could.  I'm trying to learn a different pattern now, because I'm no longer the dung-catcher at the bottom of the hill.  I guess that, while I wouldn't really have articulated it this way before, choosing to have kids means accepting the responsibility of keeping them safe, even if it means doing things we wouldn't do otherwise.  

I think I've been framing this in terms of necessary actions based on choices I've made in the past, because I'm afraid I'll chicken out if I just try to see it as a series of (really, really difficult) choices.  I'm trying to keep my energy directed at doing the things I need to do, instead of re-examining my choices, with all the attendant temptation to choose differently. It's worth considering.

[NotThatGuy]

I noticed quite a few "musts" in your post and wonder what it would feel like if you entertained the thought that those "musts" simply aren't true? I mean, what if you didn't have to do and be all those things? What if that thought were more true, how might it feel (in your body, for example)?

Heartandwhole-- I just revisited this (after a long time), and I wanted to let you know it was really helpful.  When I originally posted, I wasn't really able to think about all of these things as choices.  It was too threatening; I think it was a cognitive dissonance thing.  One way of thinking about my situation was consistant with the choices I'd made in the past, but that way of thinking pushed me towards choices that I didn't like in the present. 

I've made some progress.  Its still scary to discard the "musts" and recognize that I have a choice.  It's scary, but doing it makes me feel lighter.  And I realize that this is work that I want to do, even if it's dauntingly difficult. 

So, thanks.

[heartandwhole]

NotThatGuy,

This is great to hear. I'm so glad you shared your progress. That lightness you describe: that is exactly what I've experienced, too. And this kind of shift in thinking IS scary sometimes.

Slow and steady. The rewards are worth it, in my opinion.

Keep updating as you feel moved to.