Has everyone here left?

[Ceruleanblue]

Short of a miracle, I now know I have to leave BPDh. I'm still in the marriage and home, but making plans to leave. I told him this, as I didn't want to lie, and there are just some things I can't do without him noticing, but it felt like a threat to him. Which is ironic, as HIS constant divorce threats, and abuse are the reasons I'm leaving. He's spent years threatening me, but I inform him that I'm making plans to leave because I could tell his threats were once again becoming more serious(he left me once), and I'm the bad guy. Fine. I can live with that. I'm used to it.

How many on this board are still with pwBPD? My BPD/NPDh came home from DBT last night, and said they talked a lot about the marriage, and he's now weighing the pros and cons of marriage/divorce. It's just sad and infuriating to me that he thinks the decision is solely his. Like, if he decides to "keep me", I'll just be on board with it. You know, because I've done the whole radical acceptance and total commitment for so long. I accepted that he has BPD, but the abuse got to be too much.

I've previously posted on the other board, but now that I have a "leaving" mindset, is this a good place to post? Also, what got everyone else throught the withdrawing phase? I'm heartbroken on one hand, but also sort of resigned, and know I did my very best. It just was never good enough for him, and his killer negativity and rages are not something I'll miss. It was always ME working on things, and he'd never really apply himself to his anger management classes nor his DBT therapy. Two marriage therapists gave up on him, and said they didn't need to see him anymore as he just wasn't trying, and he needed to work on his anger first.

For now, he's being nicer, but just last week he was horrid. Even he says he doesn't know why. If you could share your transition story with me, that might help me... .

[flourdust]

I'm in kind of an in-between zone now. My wife and I have been separated since February. (You can review my posting history around Valentine's Day if you want the whole sordid story.) For a few months, we were in a "controlled separation" where we were allegedly trying to see if the marriage could be fixed and following rules for how we interacted... .when she could control herself enough to follow the rules. Then I served her divorce papers, and now we're in something more resembling a cold war as we await mediation and probable legal action. The fact that we are raising a minor child together means our level of entanglement is pretty high, regardless of what I might wish.

In terms of how I dealt with it... .

First of all, before the separation, there were lots and lots of little and not-so-little tasks that had to be done. Researching and interviewing attorneys, gathering all the documents needed to understand our finances, doing an inventory of possessions and figuring out who should get what, and what to send with her when she moved out ... .I did all of this myself, because as you note with your husband, my wife lived in kind of a fantasy world where it wasn't possible to collaborate constructively on unpleasant things. Anyway -- figuring out what I'd have to do to split up bank accounts, phone accounts, change locks ... .all that minutiae. It adds up, and so that became a big project I worked on secretly that kept me busy and my mind occupied with decisions that had to be made.

Once we were physically separated ... .my first experience was of tremendous relief and the decompression of anxiety. Home was a quiet sanctuary again. I didn't have to fear being ambushed by dysregulation. I slept soundly. My time was my own (and the kid's, of course). I was able to do things I wanted to do without having to look over my shoulder for fear I was setting her off somehow.

After a while, some boredom and loneliness would occasionally creep in ... .but I tamped it down by reading my journals and posts here which reminded me of what a nightmare I had been living in. Boredom was a tiny price to pay compared to the alternative! There was also some new anxiety and uncertainty about the divorce itself -- how contentious would it be, what would I end up with financially and in terms of custody, would I have to sell the house, etc.? That anxiety is still with me, but I recognize it's a temporary condition and other than doing my best to prepare for mediation or trial, there's nothing I can do to influence it or make it go away. So I mostly don't dwell on it.

Oh, it also helped a great deal to open up to friends and family. I don't go around spinning long tales of woe, but I've told folks about the divorce and occasionally shared just enough detail to give them a sense of what the problems were and why I made the decision. People have been very warm, supportive, and understanding. Just knowing that I'm loved is incredibly reassuring.

I can't tell you what it will be like once we are finally divorced. I'm looking forward to finding out.

[fromheeltoheal]

How many on this board are still with pwBPD?

I'm sorry it's not working out CB, and welcome to Detaching.  For pretty much everyone on this board the relationship is over, although there are varying levels of continued contact between a member and their ex.  And it is an ex at this point.

I've previously posted on the other board, but now that I have a "leaving" mindset, is this a good place to post? Also, what got everyone else through the withdrawing phase?

Yep, this is the place.  There are two things really, there's the breaking up and separating physically, and then there's the emotional detachment, which can take a while and goes through phases.  This board is full of people in various stages of that, so if that's the plan you're in the right place, and please continue to share, you will find like-minded souls here.  Take care of you!

[Skip]

I'm still in the marriage and How many on this board are still with pwBPD?

Most of our surveys say less than 5% of the detaching board is in day to day contact.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89611.0

Two thirds of the relationship ending were driven by the pwBPD traits.

Short of a miracle, I now know I have to leave BPDh. 

The final straw that ended the relationships?



Relationship often have to hit rock bottom before they end - especially marriages. Sounds like you are in the too bad to stay, too good to leave stage.

[gotbushels]

Hey Ceruleanblue!   

Skip gave you some stats that I think would've been really helpful to me in terms of direction setting. It's actually pretty scary to see that we seem to stick around until things hit the fan, and then some. Caretaker-types are sometimes thought to give it their utter all until something is "terrible" enough to take action that exceeds the usual "something's really not right here" questioning. It's another thing to see that more than half of all breaks "final straws" were from cheating! I had no idea it was that huge.


I look forward to hearing how your story develops and progresses as I recall reading your posts around having a partner undergo DBT.   

For now, he's being nicer, but just last week he was horrid. Even he says he doesn't know why. If you could share your transition story with me, that might help me... .

Moving from the other board could put you in a powerful position Ceruleanblue. The way I see it, I think despite living and perhaps being accustomed with the stayer's responsibilities, you have a more practical view on what it's like to undertake responsibility as a caretaker.

Something that might help you detach is here. When I moved boards I was paying a lot of attention to the "what's my situation now" and "what would my situation be like after". Then, "what is the easiest way for me to stay or exit--what do I need to do?"

Consider looking at the specific caretaking/chores you now perform in addition to what a "normal" relationship would require. Then compare that to a life without those additional burdens/rewards. I include accounting for the rewards because you may not believe your work for yourself if don't weigh also the "good" things the you may be getting. It's okay if some things are more important to you than others. Those are your wants. Wants are valid.

Regarding the unexplained dysregulations, it helped me to confidentially calendar my ex's episodes. The idea was so that I could get some comfort if I could predict it and it didn't happen often enough to be so extremely burdensome. Unexpected dysregulations → lower readiness → more effort upon an already depleted state upon the non. I guess it help me develop the way I wanted my tolerance to go? It helped me a lot, but I have to warn you that it can be hard to see the reality of it in a timetable, if your partner requires significant management. A major upside is that it empowers you with info relevant to and explicit for deciding where you want to go. I hope this helps. 
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Enjoy your weekend.