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Poll
Question: What is the current status of your BPD relationship? [for members actively in the disengaging process today only]
We cohabitated or slept together in last 4 weeks - 62 (13.7%)
We spent time together in last 4 weeks (but none of the above) - 35 (7.7%)
We have  communicated in the last 4 weeks (but none of the above) - 83 (18.3%)
All communication severed 4 weeks or more except for divorce/custody communications (separation initiated by BPD) - 20 (4.4%)
All communication severed 4 weeks or more except for divorce/custody communications  (separation initiated by me) - 23 (5.1%)
All communication severed 4 weeks or more (separation initiated by BPD) - 93 (20.5%)
All communication severed 4 weeks or more  (separation initiated by me) - 111 (24.5%)
Other (if you can't fit it above, please explain in a post) - 26 (5.7%)
Total Voters: 448

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Author Topic: SURVEY | What is the status of your relationship with your BPD?  (Read 19630 times)
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« on: February 15, 2009, 04:30:38 PM »

This is a poll for active members of the leaving board - specifically members actively in the process of disengaging from their relationship.

Where are you in your relationship today?

We cohabitated or slept together in last 4 weeks

We spend time together in last 4 weeks (but none of the above)

We have  communicated (but none of the above)

All communication severed 4 weeks or more except for divorce/custody communications (separation initiated by BPD)

All communication severed  except for divorce/custody communications  (separation initiated by me)

All communication severed 4 weeks or more (separation initiated by BPD)

All communication severed  4 weeks or more  (separation initiated by me)

Other (if you can't fit it above, please explain in a post)




See list of all romantic relationship surveys
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« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2009, 06:26:40 PM »

About 3 weeks ago she contacted me to tell me that I had left a box of important papers at the house and could I pick them up. It included such things as birth certificate, SS card, bank stuff, and so on. She contacted me on a Monday and I responded that I would not be able to pick the stuff up until the following Friday. That Friday I left work at 3 and called her leaving a message that I was on my way and to please call me if that was a problem. I received no call from her. It is a 70 mile drive one way for me. When I got to the house her car was not there so I went and did errands and returned to see if she had gotten back. She hadn't. So I did not stop and proceeded to head back to my place. I got a call when I was a couple of miles out of town. She immediately started yelling at me over the phone making no sense. I told her that I could not talk to her like this and hung up. She called several more times with the scenario being exactly the same. Finally, she called and said that my stuff was by the front door and that I better come and get it. At this point it is literally a 10 mile drive to the next exit so I do my 20 drive to go back to her house. Meanwhile, several more calls that are hinging on the point of crazy. As I am driving back to her house I considered calling the police to do a civil standby but did not thinking that this would embarrass her and create more drama. BIG mistake! When I arrived my papers had been thrown all over the sidewalk and lawn by the street. I left a box of her stuff by the door and proceeded to pick my stuff up. I made no effort to let her know that I was there. As I was picking my stuff up she came out and started screaming at me. I still do no know what hell was going on. Anyway I finished getting my stuff, told her that this was way too much drama for me and that if she wanted to talk call me next week.  Getting my stuff took at the most 5 minutes. Then I left.

The next day I started getting emails and phone messages threatening to make a scene at my work, contact my boss, and one going so far as to call me an abuser! So I called the police in the town that she lives in to see what I could do to protect myself. The officer I was speaking with at this point told me that she had called them the night before and had told them that I had been trespassing. When I told the officer my side of the story and mentioned that I had emails showing that she had asked for me to come and pick up my stuff, he mentioned that it is actually against the law to entrap someone that way (ie, saying come visit me then claiming that the person was trespassing). Anyway, the officer explained the Oregon law dealing with Telephonic Harassment. I sent an email to the exuBPDgf explaining that law and that she was in no way allowed to contact me or any of my friends or my workplace and coworkers. She sent one more threatening email so I called the police and they contacted her AND THAT, my friends, has been the last I have heard to date.

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« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2009, 07:11:59 PM »

I have not had contact since July. He has mailed things to my work and to my house, he does not know if I've ever recieved them. He has called several times but I've never answered, and I no longer have a message option. He called my work last month... .I answered not knowing who it was, realized immediately it was him and hung up as soon as I heard his voice.

The last contact he made was Valentines, he sent a package but again... .he does not know whether or not I recieved it.
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« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2009, 07:50:31 PM »

we agreed to cease comunication before christmas. I have not spoken with her since mid dec. we have emailed each other twice. I am going to attend an event next month that she will also be attending, hence the emails. Other than that it is and ha been NC, I intend it to be NC again after the event
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« Reply #4 on: February 15, 2009, 07:59:21 PM »

we agreed on jan 7 to end our insanity. i have been nc since . she called last tues. i didnt take the call nor have i listened to the message

hardest thing ive had to do in years
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MaybeSo
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« Reply #5 on: February 15, 2009, 08:11:07 PM »

We broke up on New Years.  We have been in contact for the purpose of my move (I had lived with him for a short time and I am still getting my furniture etc. out). The two times I saw him in person he ended up sobbing and wanting to get back together; I told him he would be okay and in gentle terms stated I would not even consider dating him unless he was committed to his own therapy first.  That's where I'm at right now. I have not intention of going back or becomming involved unless I saw long term evidence of growth on his part.  Meanwhile, I continue with my own therapy to become clear about why I choose these kinds of relationships and the role I play.  I have learned a lot about myself in this relationship; it has in a way, been invaluable.
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Honey
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« Reply #6 on: February 15, 2009, 08:40:30 PM »

We spent time together in last 4 weeks (but none of the above)

We have not slept together since mid July.  Aug-Dec we did not see each other.  During that time I gave up dancing in a dance troupe so I would not have to see him.  January I began going again and we would meet.  It has been very very dificult.  We are normally paired together.  We are a perfect fit when dancing (when he is not on a BPD binge). 

A huge glinch in my leaving plan happened a week ago.  He left me a phone message on my mobile (which was turned to silent when he called) when I was on my way to dance on Friday.  I did not pick it up until midnight.  He said in the message he had hurt his back and would not be at dance.  I was so puzzeled as to why he called (we have not talked on the phone since mid July).  On Sunday I called and asked if he was ok.  (He does not talk to any relatives and I did not know if he had a girl friend to help him).  Well long story short he said he was fine, I said ok and hung up.  The following friday he showed up at dancing.  He said he did not now why he called me and left that message other then the fact that I was the first one he thought of.  He said it sounded like I called just because it was my responsibility, and seemed upset I had not done more (like I have done in the past).  But that was all set aside and we actually had a wonderful time and he stayed long after he needed to help me with admit stuff.

I have had a heck of a week end.  Maybe I should have done more to help him when he was incapacitated with his back.   But my plan is really NC and I wanted to stick to that.  Now I have made a plan for the next 6 weeks.  Being I will be traveling in an all girl dance troupe during the next 6 weeks I will not have to deal with him and can refocus on myself.  He knows of my schedule and has been telling me that it is not a good idea because it would be hard on my body to be on this schedule. It seems most of what ever I decide to do he disagrees with.  One reason I can't be with him.

Sometimes I just have to say a prayer for Heaven to help me.

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OneTrickPony
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« Reply #7 on: February 15, 2009, 09:09:22 PM »

All communication severed 4 weeks or more  (separation initiated by me)

Thanks to the information and support I have gotten from this site,

I have not seen nor talked to my ex in coming up on six months.

I am stronger today than I have been in years.

Thanks to everyone here for all you've done.

OTP

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« Reply #8 on: February 15, 2009, 10:08:33 PM »

  we agreed not to drag the insanity into the new year. i saw her last, somewhere around the 7th of january    (brief conversation i walked away) ... .she has made attempts at contact since, but i have remained strict NC... no phone calls from her for 1 & 1/2 weeks now ...
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« Reply #9 on: February 15, 2009, 10:32:15 PM »

All communication was severed months ago (break-up initiated by me) except for occasional re-engages by him which I totally ignore.
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« Reply #10 on: February 15, 2009, 10:34:37 PM »

The last time my wife and I interacted was on the day I left in the end of December. The next day I sought a TRO. My lawyer advised against any interaction or contact, which could be used to vacate the restraining order. At stake is the return of our two toddlers, or their being put up for adoption by CPS. I miss my wife, and want to be their to provide her comfort and support, but I have to look out for my children as well!
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« Reply #11 on: February 16, 2009, 12:23:34 AM »

All communication severed 4 weeks or more (initiated by me)

Break-up was initiated by me following textbook BPD behaviour in February 2008 (2 days after celebrating Valentine's day and intense declarations of love by BPD!)

A few phone calls from BPD in between trying to prove what a fantastic life he had now, how great new relationship is, etc. No initiation by me. Wished him luck.

All direct verbal and written communication severed completely in July 2008.

Received stray 'accidentally forwarded email' by him to me and other recipients in October 2008.

No response from me.

Good-bye 2008 and welcome 2009!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

                  IP

                   




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« Reply #12 on: February 16, 2009, 02:02:57 AM »

My BPDso is now sleeping on the couch and I have the bedroom. She is looking for a place to live on her own. Her family has said they would  help buy her a flat, which I think is why she is now calmer, more rational, and is definately looking to move out.  Unfortunately her taste in flats are a bit expensive, so I'm hoping every day she finds something that she wants.  She found a flat that was perfect, but the sellers backed out. Now, no flat is as good as the one that got away. 

On valentine's day I was able to have a good talk with her about her rages, and that her daughter has picked up on it and knows to tip-toe around mommy and never to touch her things.  I told her that D has said the following to me twice (D is learning English):

Don't touch that, don't touch that!

It is mommy, It is mommy!

mommy good, mommy good, but, but, but

Don't touch that

mommy good, but, but

It is mommy (it is mommy's)

BPD's reaction was that she likes things in perfect order (the flat is a pig-sty because her things are everywhere).

My BPDSO has gotten religion and is nightly reading the Bible and other religious material.  She goes to church twice a week. 

Tonight, she will see another flat. I hope she likes it, so that she can get out. As far at the relationship goes, it is definately over in both of our minds.  We are working together to get her her own place. 
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« Reply #13 on: February 16, 2009, 02:30:15 AM »

hi all.

the 24th of this month will be 5 months of the STRICTEST NC you could ever imagine! (i have to see her most days)

this has been acheiveable by this great life saving site and all you that contribute to it!

i thank you very much as it has given me back my health, happiness and sanity! 

thanks,

chase
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« Reply #14 on: February 16, 2009, 03:30:15 AM »

All communication severed 4 weeks or more  (separation initiated by me)


still tries to contact me, not worth my time, she isn't up to my standards, and I see that now
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« Reply #15 on: February 16, 2009, 05:43:45 AM »

i have had no direct contact with her for over 2 years now , she did try to re-engagement me once in november 06, but she was told in no uncertain terms what i thought of her, and was left in no doubt how i felt about the way i had been treated... .as she works near by and deals with our office , i do see her from time to time , i simply ignore her i blank her , walk past her , she has not tried to talk with me , at all since nov 06... .i did get some news about her at xmas time from work mates, female work mates , that she had been with some guy and had gotten engaged very quickly, then called it off then got back with him again , talk about the rollercoaster,, i also heard that he had beaten her up at least twice, i now realise that she is in fact very ill and needs help , but it is not something that i can get involved with , as it would hurt me again to be upclose to her and then have her turn on me again, we all know how that works ... i dare say that down the line i will hear other things about her situation or indeed i will see her again , but i will keep walking NO CONTACT, has been good for me , and i would be very stupid to break no contact, and try and engage her again , i was left feeling vey confused by her behaviour nothing at the end made sense, she would say one thing then do another , then deny ever having said, what she in fact did say , hurt confused and angry ... best sums up how i felt at the end ,a life experience that i dont think i will ever forget , i will drop in on the ftf notice board from time to time as i think it continues to remind me that came very close to being crushed and that i should never forget that , it keeps me away from her and i am thankful for that... .i am on my own , and not activly looking for a relationship , damage was done and i still need time to fully put it behind me , before i attempt to let any female in to my life other than friends,, thank you for being here... .w
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« Reply #16 on: February 16, 2009, 06:52:16 AM »

I checked other only because I left the house just 5 days ago.  I saw the BP 4 days ago (moving more of my stuff).  I anticipate seeing her on Wedesday for CT.

Prior to that, the BP and I had not shared a bedroom for 7 months.  Our conversations were essentially limited to business.
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« Reply #17 on: February 16, 2009, 07:24:41 AM »

All communication severed more than two months ago initiated by me. My phone number has been changed for almost one month now and he has been blocked from my e-mail. I've never felt better!
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« Reply #18 on: February 16, 2009, 08:27:15 AM »

All communication(on my part) severed since mid November 2008.This was initiated by me. I have not contacted her, but there have been some phone calls, voice mails, emails and text messages from her, most of which I haven't responded to.
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LivingLovingMyBP

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« Reply #19 on: February 16, 2009, 08:54:04 AM »

No re-engagement attempts here. This of course should change when the guy she left me for dumps her, just as it has happened in the past. The difference is, this time, unlike the last five times, I'm aware of BPD and thanks to this support group, I can now have the strength to refuse to let her back into my life.

Thank you all.
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pallavirajsinghani
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« Reply #20 on: February 16, 2009, 10:31:48 AM »

I hope I am posting this where I should... .still learning to navigate the board.

Communication between my DBPD and myself was severed several months ago I suppose mutually after an incidence of terrible raging directed at me over the phone... .
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« Reply #21 on: February 16, 2009, 10:46:34 AM »

Came home one night, house was empty and freezing cold.  Haven't heard from her since outside of sitting in a court room.  Has not directly talked to me since. (September 08)

Also poisoned my s16 and have not heard from him either.  Court soon to try to order family counseling for S/me to try to repair the relationship.


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roseindigo

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« Reply #22 on: February 16, 2009, 11:33:30 AM »

Communication severed ten years ago. Then two years ago he had serious heart problems and needed help, so I made the mistake of getting involved again after all that time, realizing he needed help and there was no one else and also hoping that the illness may have mellowed him. The first year was OK until he had recovered reasonably well, and then the same ugly song and dance began again. I asked him to leave and have had no contact again for 14 months now.
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« Reply #23 on: February 16, 2009, 12:09:17 PM »

We cohabitated or slept together in last 4 weeks.

BPDh does not know (although he does seem to sense that "something is up" that I am in the midst of intensive plans to either

(1)  get him out, so I can get our place fixed up (his unfinished projects everywhere) and sold, & move on with life, or

(2)  walk away, ensuring my total financial ruin, but saving my self

Aiming for me to be living and working in another state quite far from here by the end of April.

It is important that I have "all my ducks in a row" before moving forward.  Many aspects to deal with, and coordination of timinig is critical, as we live out in the country ... .so I need to have people around when I tell him, etc.   

In any case, we continue to live as we have been (more or less) -- except that fortunately (in a way) I have been ill with a cold-to bronchitis-to now maybe pneumonia for almost 3 weeks.  So I have been almost exclusively alone in the bedroom, while he spends his time playing his computer game in another room.  Probably not interacting more than 1 hour/day ... .and that is usually while we are watching a movie while eating dinner together.  During this time off work (sick) I discovered bpdfamily.com, and have been active here plus doing a lot of reading from resource material suggested here and books that I own.

Marid
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« Reply #24 on: February 16, 2009, 12:36:51 PM »

Technically she initiated the cessation of contact by choosing to be with another man after a four and a half year (presumably) committed relationship.  She took a vacation on which I could not accompany her.  And there she hooked up with who I've assumed would later be her husband.  After a very difficult time for me, during which I went NC under the suggestion of my therapist, I self-re-engaged and met up with her about a year later "seeking closure." 

It had been about a year since we last spoke.  I was in her home town on a trip and contacted her on the last night I was to be in town.  We met up the following morning at the airport.  I was smart enough to bring a chaperon.

I remember the meeting being very superficial but it seemed to me that she wanted desperately to cry or something, but something held her back (thankfully) perhaps it was the chaperon.  That conversation, she dominated with this complaint or that complaint.  I just remember thinking, "Thank God I don't have to listen to this incessant complaining and whining anymore; she is no longer my obligation."  I don't remember her asking anything of significance regarding my life or what was going on with me.  She seemed so very self-centered in a way I never quite saw before.

In retrospect, I guess she was doing what had always worked for her before, which was to be the consummate waif.  Back then when I was her full time rescuer, I would respond like a Pavlov dog to her ails.  It seems to me that she didn't know how to process the two years gap between us and thankfully that struck me odd enough for me to maintain my guard with her.

I also remember while boarding my flight that she did not strike me as attractive, but in fact terribly needy and that served as good-enough-closure for me at the time.  Though I still had to "process" this deeply unhealthy relationship years later, it's been over a decade since that very last contact I had with her, and this is a good thing.
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Skip
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« Reply #25 on: February 16, 2009, 01:12:34 PM »

What would you say the biggest challenges (top 3) were (are) for you in disengaging yourself?
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« Reply #26 on: February 16, 2009, 01:16:32 PM »

In response to your question, Skip, I would have to say the F, the O, and the G, in that order.

(For Newbies - that's Fear, Obligation and Guilt).
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« Reply #27 on: February 16, 2009, 01:27:00 PM »

"Thank God I don't have to listen to this incessant complaining and whining anymore; she is no longer my obligation." 

The last two visits w/ my ex bf... .he ended up sobbing and trying to reunite; but not before he verbally vomitted about 40 minutes worth of negativity and victimhood and blaming... .which was a constant routine when I was with him. It felt surreal and liberating to hear it while thinking... .this is no longer my problem, this is no longer my life, I don't have to do this anymore.

The flip side is, I still feel mixed emotions sometimes based on obligation and guilt and just that love I have for a human being; broken or not; I remember when I was 15 my mom once told me 'you are always rooting for the underdog'.  I have always gravitated toward taking home broken animals and broken people. I'm sitting with that now. I can see where that is not always in the best interest of either party. I have work to do around this issue.

peace, smg


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Marid
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« Reply #28 on: February 16, 2009, 01:29:34 PM »

What would you say the biggest challenges (top 3) were (are) for you in disengaging yourself?

1.  Isolation - distance from family (or any other support people) & fact that we live in the country.  This makes the planning and (much more so) the implementation of the break much more difficult.  I have to have someone here when I announce it to him, and I have to have someone here while he gets his initial stuff packed and out the door, and I have to have someone here to help me get the rest of his stuff packed and stored.  (That's the plan at present.  Easier, but financially much worse for me would be just to have a moving van show up, point at what stuff I want them to pack and take for me, and walk away from the whole thing.)      This is taking a tremendous toll on me mentally  ?, emotionally   :'(, physically      .  

2.  Finances - I am sole source of income (self-employed), since he quit his job 2 years ago.  He has burned through all our savings, we are in a world of debt, and he spent all the money set aside for quarterly tax payments -- so I am dealing with IRS issues, too.  This is all kind of scary.

3.  Loss of the dream.   :'( This is the big emotional one.    :'( :'(   We had (what I thought was) a shared dream to live and love a self-sustaining rural life, me working to earn money outside the home, him telecommuting to earn money at least part time (as he was doing), and spending the rest of his hours working the farm.  I have done a lot a grieving over this already, and have pretty much lost my attachment to this place ... .which was HUGE.  However, I suspect that there is going to be a lot of grieving again, once the "deed it done."    That's why I am working hard to get new dreams in place for myself before this all comes down.  NOT a new man (for the foreseeable future at least, if ever) -- just new dreams that are mine.

Marid
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« Reply #29 on: February 16, 2009, 01:36:02 PM »

[The flip side is, I still feel mixed emotions sometimes based on obligation and guilt and just that love I have for a human being; broken or not;  I have always gravitated toward taking home ... .broken people. I'm sitting with that now. I can see where that is not always in the best interest of either party. I have work to do around this issue.

peace, smg


Well put.  Me, too.  I am reflecting on how maladaptive (but useful) it has been to see myself as a rescuer.  I put his stuff first, then I don't have time, energy, etc, to keep working on my OWN stuff.

I have been impressed with the number of people here who have mentioned attending AA.  I am not alcoholic, but I have a (now sober, thanks be to God) son who is.  I have attended a few meetings with him over the years.  I am putting that on my "things to do in the post-BPDh era" list.  The 12 steps really DO apply to me, too.  For example, I have a LOT of amends to make for having let his BPD take over in my life ... .just like the alcoholic has amends to make for letting alcohol take over in his/her life.

Marid
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