As Things Change and Get Interesting

[Meili]

I'm not exactly sure where I should be posting at this point, but this seemed like the appropriate place.

As some of you may know, I have detached from my x, gained quite a bit of insight into my life, and radically accept the reality of all of the r/s that I had with her.

She and I have talked quite a bit over the past month. Today, she contacted me and we talked on the phone several times throughout the day, and we had nice talks. Well, it started out as nice but went downhill from there.

The day started with her talking about toying with the idea of saving our r/s. I listened, validated her feelings, tried to answer all of her questions and address her concerns, and atone for problems that I actually owned.

At some point, she asked me a question and I answered with as much truth and honesty as I could while trying to make it not be an accusation against her. I failed.

The conversation digressed into an argument. I tried to change the subject several times. I even suggested that we stop talking. On multiple occasions, I said goodbye. At one point, she even hung up the phone. Only to call me back seconds later.

The totality of the exchanges were very enlightening. I learned that if I'm going to continue down this path, I need to develop a thicker skin. Also, I need to manage the conversations better. She complained about so many of our conversations being about deep things and "living in our heads." This was just her projecting though because she's the one keeps starting the discussions about our past and rehashing everything. Yes, I'm guilty for allowing it to happen and for taking part. I need to find a way to stop that from occurring.

She asked me not "bash her." That's fair. I asked her to let me know when she feels that I'm doing that because many times I don't even know that she feels that's what I'm doing. She agreed.

We both got extremely frustrated. I could see the old patterns emerging and changed my behavior. I'm not sure if I did it soon enough to show her consistency in my actions though. I don't know why neither one of us ended the conversation when we were so frustrated. We just kept pushing ourselves through it in what seemed like an effort to work through the pains. I know that's what it was for me. Maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part.

At the moment, I'm very frustrated and confused. I'm trying to look at the day as a learning experience. Any insight and/or support is appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ashur]

I wish I knew enough to help you. You have give so much to others myself as well. All I can tell you is that I am grateful for you and I thank you for being here for me in my trials. I am around to talk if you need or want.

[Meili]

Thank you Ashur!

But, my world kinda imploded last night.

I spent a wonderful day with a wonderful friend (female) who had recently gotten out of a r/s with an uNPD. She is extremely attractive.

We ended up at a bar. My x showed up moments later. Things went down hill from there.

I'm honestly not sure what happened. The new friend got filled in with all the information. At some point, the x and the new friend exchanged words. The x walked passed and told me to "call my friend off." The friend walked passed and told me to "call my troll off." I was left with a bar tab of several hundred dollars and sitting alone.

I went to the friend's apartment complex, and while I was looking for my cell phone in my vehicle, the friend walked passed and asked me to not contact her. Done. No need to drag her into this any furhter. I went home.

The x, both of us drunk, exchanged words on the phone and via text. She wanted to talk about the effect of our r/s on her new guy. I had zero interest in that and terminated the telephone conversations (yes, there were several) each time that she tried that.

For those or you keeping track at home: The net result, the new friend won't talk to me. I sent her a text asking her to tell me what happened when/if she's ready. The x is livid and not talking to me. I had an urge to reach out to the "other woman" (not preciously mentioned in this post), but didn't. And, now I'm alone.

All of this is not necessity a bad thing. I have learned a lot from it. I think that this post truly belongs o the "detaching" or PI or even the "deciding" boards; but then again, I'm not entirely sure where I'm at or how this will ultimately play out. I do know that I've made my choice and the rest is up to my x as far as the r/s goes.

I'm just really unsure how to salvage this, or if it is worth effort at this point.

[Meili]

Oh, and the "true " other woman is completely out of the picture.

[Lilyroze]

Dear Meili  

  Sorry to hear what happened with your night. Everything happens for a reason, take some time and center, breathe and think this through. You can to choose how much or little you take from this experience and learn.

What a lot of drama, too bad the ex can't put as much love, kindness or friendship into you as much as she could that drama last night. Though I don't blame her in least if she loves you and was hurt, I guess. Just wish she could show you what you need now. Can any of this be repaired? Do you want it to be?

 Peace in your heart, peace of mind, peace of spirit, a peaceful existence, is what you deserve. Some people uplift you and some drain you. You can now choose which of these you want to be with. Maybe you can repair one, both or take time for you.

How do you feel about it now?

Is there some things you have planned that can take your mind off it, bring you some joy or peace today?

You have come so far, don't let this set you back. It is OK the path diverged a little, now you can chose you are at a fork again what is best for you?

Have to go and will be back later maybe. Just wanted to stop in and say I care.

Best regards and blessings,

LR

[Lilyroze]

Oh, and the "true " other woman is completely out of the picture.

By the way really glad to hear this. The only way that you can heal, and win over her trust if you want to is for that to happen. Needed to be done.   Just wanted to add if the two of you decide to work it out, please see if you both can agree to keep others out, then win each others trust back. If she can do that as well, has to be a two way as you know.

 If not best for you and you need to heal and move forward then do that for you as well. Only you know what is best.

[Meili]

I'm not sure how I feel about any of this right now LR. I'm still trying to process it. I do know that I feel sorry for the new guy. How sad for him! He had to witness his gf dysregulate over my being with a new woman.

I guess that I'm both hurt and angry. My x told me that she'd be upset when I started dating again.

I'm angry with myself for being so drunk that I wouldn't talk with my x when she tried. I didn't want to hear about anything other than what was happening between her and I though. I just refused to listen to the rest. I might have been able to defuse the situation if I had made her more important though. I just didn't. I couldn't at the moment.

Can it be fixed? I don't know. It's really up to her. I'm willing to try and open to the possibility. At the moment though, I'm going back to NC. That's all that I really can do. Things got really ugly last night. I clearly was not ready to try to reconcile yet.

As all of this unfolds, I will continue to try to focus on me, my wants, my needs, and my desires in life. I'll go back to what I was doing before all of this took place and continue to try to put my life back in order. If my x wants to talk, she'll contact me. If she doesn't, then I'm better off.

I'm ok though. That's what is important.

Thank you so much for letting me know that you care. That means a lot to me right now!

[Meili]

An interesting thing happened this morning. While at the same event, my x apologized to me for last night. I think that I apologized to her too, but can't actually remember because I'm still under the effects of all the alcohol.

I hung around the event for a bit after that. I could see her looking at me when I would pass. She was talking to others, so I just kept walking. It was hard on me though, so I left without saying another word to her.

What she shows me is that this is as hard for her as it is for me. She has told me on multiple occasions that she feels some pressure from me. I try really hard to not do that, and I'm not sure how I am. I truly want to tell her thank you for the apology. She didn't have to do it. She could have just ignored me. Because she feels pressured, I won't contact her though. I guess that if I hear from her again, I'll do it then.

[Oncebitten]

Melli,

Sorry to hear about all you stress... .I do appreciate your comment about her hurting from the break up too.  I think to often we paint those with BPD as somewhat heartless.  I don't think they are so much heartless as they are confused and it makes it really confusing for us who love them to know what to do.

  You have gone NC and thats helping you, which is good, but it is most likely hurting her on the inside.  I know I have been told by a pwBPD is that when they push you away is when they need to be held the closest.  Its hard b/c they push so hard.  You are aware of my situation my ex gf keeps telling me to leave and just let her go... .says awful things doesn't answer me and yet if I contact her the next day she always replies, apologizes and says she doesn't no what to do... .loves me wants me etc... .

I have come to view life with a pwBPD as a giant test.  They test your loyalty, commitment, love and boundaries... .they need them all and depend on them from their SO.

I have yet to go NC with mine, and while a lot of days its 2 steps forward and 3 back we are making progress... .not as fast as either would like but progress just the same.

[Meili]

Thank you for that OB.

After reading what you wrote, I sent my x an email apologizing for my behavior last night. I didn't offer any excuses because it was inexcusable. I did try to acknowledge what I did last night from what what I can remember.

Based on what I can piece together from call logs and text messages. I was really angry and she was frantic.

At the moment, I'm feeling frantic. I'm trying to calm myself down, but not doing a very good job of it. I thought that I was more detached than this. It is the thought that I'll never hear from her again I suppose. I can accept the fact that it's over. I have accepted it several times. I just have this frantic desire to know that she read the email and accepted my apology regardless of what happens between her and I.

[Oncebitten]

Meili

I know exactly what you mean the frantic thoughts, the worry the hurt... .the constant can it be over that runs through your mind.  I moved to the detaching board after her last email to me, convinced myself it was over.  A day later I emailed her back... .and she replied even though she told me she had cut me out completely.  Its a twisted test but a test none the less.  They have such a hard time controlling there emotions they just get the better of them.  I really am starting to believe that its up to the non to decide when the r/s is over.  At least thats how it is with mine... .she pushes me away and a lot of men would just quit. But every time we go through this she thanks me for not quitting and we get a little better.  Not sure how many ups and downs I will have to endure before we level out but I think that is what it is going to take.

Imo they desire consistency more than anything  and their condition keeps them from getting that from most people.

[Meili]

I certainly agree that it is up to us to decide when we've had enough and it's over. Our SO can break things off and cut us out completely, but we still have to decide that we are ready to move on. If we don't, we get stuck.

In my situation, I want her to come back, but am prepared for her not to. I've stopped dwelling on the prospect and am moving on in my life. I'm just not locking the door so to speak.

I also agree that consistency is highly important. It is in every r/s, but seems to be more so in these types. I've tried to be consistent in letting my x know that I still love, cherish, and adore her; and that I'd love to give things another shot with her. But, I've also maintained that I am moving on because we are no longer together.

[Oncebitten]

Do you feel that is best chance you have to have another go at the r/s?

I continue to tell my ex I love her and want another chance at the r/s.  I'm not prepared to move on just yet I guess.  She wants to be friends and see where that leads us... .not sure if she really see that as away back or just to keep tabs on me... .so hard to decipher between what they say and what they mean

[Meili]

If you're asking about consistency being the best chance, then yes. In my situation, the r/s would become too much for me every few months and I'd try to end it. This became a predictable pattern that my x and I both saw. Now she tells me that she's afraid that if we tried again that I'd just do the same thing. All that I can do is let her know that I'm still around.

But, I think that I've overdone it in the past. I was too clingy and needy. That was not good.

Also, I was so wrapped up in wanting her back that I'd feel rejected very easily and I'd push her away. This was viewed by her as a push/pull dynamic. That certainly didn't help me appear committed and reinforced her fears.

[Oncebitten]

Perhaps this is her issue with me.  She feels that I cheated on her because I cant handle being alone and we haven't gone more than a few days apart before I reach out.  I suppose I am being clingy and chasing her... .thing is she always answers when I call/text... .its a odd thing with mine... .she needs me to prove I can handle being alone but I also feel she needs me to show I am available so that I dont trigger her abandonment issues.

[Meili]

That is almost my situation exactly. I am having to prove that I can be alone. My x and I both respond when the other reaches out. I'm convinced that she needs the reassurance that I'm still here and loyal to her.

By taking a step back, not contacting her out of "need," and trying to not control the situation; I have been able to give myself the time to focus on me and fix the issues that I brought to the r/s.

When I finally accepted that we may never have a romantic r/s again everything changed for me. I stopped smothering her and allowed her to have the time and space that she needs to work out what she needs to work out. I was terrified that she would view this as abandonment. So, I still let her know that I'm still open to the idea. She just needs to commit to it also. The choice is now hers. She's the one who gets to decide when she has had enough.

Because I am not in control of that, I continue to work on me and live my life as I see fit. If she does decide to try again, I'm open to the idea. If she doesn't, I'll be a better person for it. Who knows, I might actually meet someone else before she decides and then I'll finally lock the door. The future is unwritten... .

[Oncebitten]

I like that "the future is unwritten"... .and its true we could very easily be together again in my mind... but if she can't move past my cheating(even though we were broken up, sorry still bothers me that she gets so hung up on it)... .I guess I have no choice but to let it go... .and maybe thats what she is looking for me to do... let her go and prove that I can be alone... .she suggested it once... but at that  point she was going to wait for me to figure me out. 

I guess that is all I have done for a couple of weeks is smother her... .its just hard bc there are days she acts like nothing ever happened. And things are great, then the next it all goes to hell

[Lilyroze]

Meili,


yes, you deserve happiness. yes, you deserve love. yes, you deserve the life you want. Some thoughts I am throwing out as the board you have this on. If you were on detaching I would say different. I am not saying you should stay.

You acknowledged this is the only one you really loved or wanted to marry before, yes? But there was trust issues, the other woman really was a center of the problem.

Now she is gone. You are acknowledging that you both have issues to work on. Still care about each other enough to apologize and look within.

What plan do you have now that you sent email? I am asking as it seems maybe if you both work on the issues, without others involved, use the tools to communicate. Not cling out of responsibility, neediness, or lack of love, but in fact for love.

Sometimes we need to step back to work on issues, our core values, seeing what we want to come back even better for ourselves and our SO in the relationship.

Maybe if she sees how much she still cares for you, not out of jealousy but love. The fact you are trying to apologize, work on it, and got rid of the other woman friend that was the center of the problem. Now what can she do to work on her part, honesty, no other men and can you both do that? Counseling maybe?

Just some thoughts. Again what is best for you. If you need to step away, a better relationship, NC ( after telling her... .) or just work on you. Only you will know.

But the longer you both leave unresolved and the more people that get involved the harder to win back trust on both parts. Not because stepping away isn't good because there were issues before that needed resolved without others in. Hope that makes sense.

So yes there will be hurt, and trust issues. Do you think now working on, you both can work together towards a goal? Or in fact perhaps not possible, with her maturity level? Think on it, you have the key to the answer within. Though you need to use the key turn the knob and open the door.

We create possibility when we ignore limitations.

I am only throwing this out there seems if you really want to work or try maybe perhaps see if you both can limit talking past mistakes, and show what you both are doing to acknowledge and rectify. Have some talks, small time together without drama, a period of time with no others or bars ( where others and drama might occur at the moment and trigger both). Then go back to what and where you enjoy when this is solved. Just some thoughts.

Use what you can and throw out the rest. Hope didn't over step.

LR

[Meili]

You didn't overstep at all LR. I appreciate your thoughts.

My x called me. I'm not exactly sure why. She said that she didn't want to leave things like they were. She explained the night before and apparently she grabbed the arm of the girl that I was with and the two exchange words. We talked about our fight some too. Both apologizing. That's progress from where we once were.

She has to get rid of the new guy before anything can really change though. I truly believe that when she goes back to work she'll change that. She told me several times today that she just needed a summer to blow off steam, and that's what she's doing. She also told me that she's starting to get ready to come back to the "real world" (my words, not hers) and start being responsible again.

We have spent a lot of time talking about the many issues we had when we were together and what could have been done differently. That dynamic is changing though and there are spurts of conversation about other things now. For the most part, the aggression is gone when we talk about the past. It seems that things only get heated when I mention something that she did that hurt me. Then she gets angry and I get defensive.

I would love to go to counseling again with her. This time without all of the anger that I was carrying last time. She was seeing a counselor on her own. I have no idea if she still is.

I think that trust is going to be a huge thing for us to overcome. I think that it's possible, but it is going to take a lot of time and consistency on both of our parts. I hate knowing that she's using this guy. I hate questioning what she says to me and her motivations for being sweet to me now. I hate knowing that she has talked to me about sex and reconciling while she's with the new guy. It is going to take me quite a bit of time to resolve the conflict that those things create in my mind.

[Lilyroze]

Meili,

This is easy from the cheap seats... . so take with a grain of salt.

Let things calm, seek peace... I have a video I am going to send you in DM I really think you will enjoy. Very helpful. Now seek peace, breath in deep, concentrate and let go for now.

You both have apologized, cared, and did the grace and dignity thing of being adults.

Now you were with a friend, had another friend. So that hurt her and well would me. She is now with a man that is not friends, but more.

Now the work and boundaries begin if you want to win her back. You can, it will have to be fair, and work on both parts. No games, no others, no using others.

You my friend are there now. Took responsibility and got rid of the "friend" that was causing problems and new friend. Friends are great, important and good. NOT when they interfere with love.

Take time now decide if you love her? I know you said you do. Not lust, not friendship w benefits, not friends, not jealousy, not clinging need, but love. Answer within. The answer is there you will know. Make sure then proceed.

Now she has to do some work to be honest. No other men friends right now, no friends with benefits and no love interests. Don't tell her that. Silent boundary will do that for you.

Be back for more later need to take care of things.

If you love her, she you, and you both are on the path to really working. This can and will work. Have faith, use the tools.

No more contact today if possible.  Your choice but well... .It ended on good note, you both apologized and acknowledge. Take some time and breathe now, center find some joy.

By the way this will be tough in some ways no mistake about it, as well you can't keep doing things the same way and expect different results. Now you need to do different, a new path, this path will have health and happiness along the way for you. It is possible but you will need a different method now.

LR

[Meili]

Yeah, I need to do more work on my boundaries. I've completely destroyed some of them as of late. Communicating for 12 hours at a time is not the best plan here. I'm not sure what you meant by a silent boundary about the other guy though.

My first thought is LC. As long as she's with him, she shouldn't have so much access to me. It isn't fair to me (or to him!).

I've allowed so much communication lately because it has seemed to help. Maybe it's hurting though?

I look forward to the video!

Thank you again!

[Lilyroze]

Sent. Think will help a lot. I have known him personally and we are both the same type... . and went to raw food and retreats together years ago.

Will add some things I think will help you and someone who pm'd

[Lilyroze]

Meili,

I know there is no miracle cure for this PD, or for the relationships, or life in general. I do know if you have a higher power and faith, put your trust in that.

We have to remember we didn't cause it, can't cure it nor control it. But we can have our power, love and happiness within our hands and hearts.

Having said that all relationships that work have key ingredients, of love, trust, faith, integrity and honesty.

Some think they should all be fun, but in fact they do take work at times. No relationship can be 100% fun or problem less.  They should be 50-50 and at times 100% when one is sick, depressed or near birth etc. Especially with a BPD or PD person, that can add much more problems to the mix. Having been a care-taker to someone ill, don't take on that role.

I do think if there is love, a will, then there will be a way. If there is a foundation already, even if shaky, love not lust. A true foundation not a lust she or he loves me it has been 8 months of fights. So having said that you have had that, are striving for that, you both were in counseling.

I am writing this to you as you said the only one you really wanted to marry. Still examine your heart and see as you keep healing. IF so then try... .

Now in order to work it has to start a new, with some of the tools and insight you both have gained apart. In counseling, this board, in searching within. If love is there for you, make sure you feel she has love back and not lust or attachment alone.

Judge a tree by its fruit. Is she kind, loving and respectful to you? Only you know. In the equation put the other woman to see if that was much of your problem. If so and now out of way, keep it that way.

Look within, see how far you have come, what you are addressing, what you are healing. Then decide if this is the partner you want to continue the journey. It has a new path now, not dysfunction, jealousy, other women or men, drama or games.

If you are ready keep looking within, centering, finding your joy, self compassion,self love, self healing.  She can't and more then likely won't bring that to you.

We are all responsible for our own healing, and happiness. In turn if feel she can bring some things to table, the tools, counseling, validating, helping with her fears are yours to help. But not care- taking, and juggling all her emotions. She needs to bring something to the table.

She now will need to bring honesty, trust, willingness to look within, get help, and no other men.

Caring, compassion, communication, connection, warmth, and love should never be conditional and never be willfully withheld, ever, unless the relationship is already over. Then boundaries need to be put in place for a healthy friendship, LC, or NC. This is where it is tricky for you and your health and well being. As you had a foundation before you need to build upon that and not tear down. That is why it is refreshing and can work with your love but harder then starting anew. It does have much more rewards as it is love then not games or lust.


Tell her then when all calm that you want to give the above but only when she is ready, and can give up the crutch she has. Don't mention the person by name, as that is giving power to her and another to be hurting or between. When she asks what crutch tell her look within you know. We can't have others in the middle of our love or life. If we know longer have that love or trust will hurt me but I will go on, and make my own path and happiness. Word it your way, and if you feel comfortable and this is what you want.

Then start a silent boundary, reading, healing, watching the ones I gave you, the tools and making your happiness. Stick to what is right for you. Don't let her connect in the way the old love relationship was if she can't commit to a new loving one. With you both putting the past behind, but addressed, and moving forward with tools, counseling, a commitment and love.

I am writing as I know you haven't and won't give silent treatment as one who sent me it kills a relationship it is dead then looking for scraps. It harms and is punishment for disagreement or just immature on both parts. Different then NC as you already know and helped me with... .LOL

But let her know you can't be there the same until you both can commit and decide. If that means you date, remarry, or are friends with others she will have to accept. Prepare for the outburst when that day comes you need to say, but then she will know she can't keep you dangling. She might then attach to another and you have to be ready for that, so only say if you want and mean it.

But if she is high functioning, and really loves you the same then it might and will more then likely lead to a working relationship. She will have to bring to table to eat at the table. It puts it on her to try as well can't be just you waiting on the side. If not then she is not really loving you back the way you will need as a healthy non.

If she can't give that, then give the gift to yourself to move on.

Use what you can throw out the rest and be blessed. Again use the tools for now, keep things calm, don't bring drama, heal for you. Set your boundaries and then decide if you want to approach her with above or wait it out.

[Meili]

  LR. As always, thank you for your time, thoughts, and energy.

Yes, I truly love her. The kind of love that was completely unfamiliar to me before I met her for it was not borne of chaos and pain. That is what I thought love felt like before meeting her. Now, after all has been said and done, I know a new kind of love. One that is warm, tender, caring, and exists just because she exists. Even better, I'm learning that kind of love about myself. That one is proving to be a little harder to learn, but I'm doing it.

She and I have actually just reached the place that you describe. On Friday, I made mention that while I do love her, I won't wait forever for her. It was kind of weird. She had just made mention of it, but when I said it to her, she reacted. It was as if she had never really considered the fact that I might meet someone else and fall in love while she was doing her thing. She told me that my saying that was a game changer to her in that it added another variable to whatever she is trying to figure out.

Then, she saw me with that woman yesterday and completely dysregulated. It really worries me that she assaulted that woman. For now, I'm sitting back, watching her behaviors.

I truly believe that the foundation is there. If she is willing to build on it, I am also. If she is not, I will accept and respect her choice. I've told her that several times. I guess that seeing me with someone else added a level of reality to that.

My T and I spent most of my last session talking about my making the decision to allowing the door to remain unlocked to my x if she wants to come back through it. My T specializes in adults survivors of abuse and people who have been in abusive r/s. She is respectful of my choice, but advises against it. At first, I slipped into old patterns and agreed with her because I thought it was what she wanted to hear. Then I realized that I am the important one here.

My x has made several changes in how she deals with, talks to, and relates with me. She has done things to show me love and respect. Even if she has missed to mark a bit, she is making the effort. If she hadn't shown me the changes and made the effort, things would be completely different. I would have kept walking when I realized that I had detached from the old r/s and broke the addiction to her.

[Meili]

I woke up in the middle of the night do to insecurity issues creating a nightmare. Now, I'm stuck in a loop of anxiety that I need to get under control. I'm trying to be mindful and stay centered. I'm not fighting the feelings this time. The lack of sleep probably didn't help either.

The insecurity was really dumb and simply borne from old, habitual thinking. "What if this irresponsible, immature life is the one that she really wants? What if I'm not good enough? What if I can't learn to not be so serious all the time? What if we do get back together and I'm not able to handle it? What if we do get back together and she decides that I'm not what she wants?"

But, really, what if? So, she decides that she wants something else in life. That really isn't a reflection of my worth. That's just two adults who want different things, right? I understand this on a cognitive level, now if someone would just tell my inner critic!

[Oncebitten]

Meili

Your inner critic is the worst... I understand how you feel completely.  Your mind is rational and knows the truth and that regardless of how this turns out, that you will be ok.  Its your heart that is struggling, it wants what it wants... .and that is what brings on the anxiety.  Been there done that.  Heres what I do... .find something that you love, and go do that for you get your mind off of all this for a while.  Whether its a long walk a good cup of coffee whatever do something for you... .make yourself happy.

[Meili]

Unfortunately, the things that I love are all now emotionally tied to my x. So, doing them just reminds me of the good times that we shared. It's getting better now though. I can smile to myself about the memories at least.

I do get what you're saying though. Inner critic work is going to be theme for working on myself this week.

The truly confusing part to me is that each of the things that triggered the insecure thoughts have a corresponding "reassurance" thought. I could, and have, looked at each thing and can view it as either dangerous or affirming. My mind naturally goes to the danger though. What's worse is that in reality, none of it probably has to do with me at all and I'm just attributing it to myself! As I tell others all the time, I need to try to not think about it. I don't know, and can't know, what's going on in her head.

[Oncebitten]

I understand, yes thats tough when all the good in your life becomes wrapped up and associated with the relationship... .idk maybe there is something you like to eat that she doesn't... .just a thought

Again you and I are a lot alike... its tough bc you just want to know what she is thinking so that you can fix the situation... .Im a worst case scenario type to so I can appreciate where you are right now

[Meili]

Well, she is vegan, so I've enjoyed a lot of medium rare steak as of late!

I've moved on from wanting to fix anything. Well, anything other than myself. I cannot fix what happened in the past, so I've had to let that go. I cannot "fix" her, so I've stopped giving that any thought energy. I cannot fix the situation that is currently happening, so I've stopped trying to control it.

All that I can do is show consistency and utilize the tools that I'm learning as I/we go forward. Those things are all that are in my control. Releasing the desire to control the situation has been a huge boon to me.

When my x and I first started talking about reconciling, she told me that she was worried that I'd get frustrated and go away because things weren't happening at a pace that made me happy. She has told me several times along the way that she doesn't like being pushed. I've made a conscious effort to let go of everything and give her the time and space that she needs. I know that when I've had enough, I'm in control of that. If she takes too much time that's something that she will have to deal with. Learning that freed me from trying to control her by trying to protect her from experiencing the consequences of her choices.

[Lilyroze]

  Meili,

Had to stop in as well once you watch those videos it does help you release all that in mindfulness that has built up. Not sure if that is what is going on but don't worry you must hit those stages to go to the next.

Don't forget in all this you both had to rebuild a foundation, for many with cracks and dysfunction might not possibly work. But many come back much stronger, especially if love, inner work, taking responsibility which you are doing.

You can and are stopping the chaos, drama, healing, learning and using tools, either way it will benefit you. The main obstacle you tackled like a man took care of it, ended it now await to see her part and boundaries.

 "Can I get a Hello" breathe in Deep and dive into the rest you need to explore. I see so much growth, heart and energy. If she can and is working on the same wow talk about a wonderful life, foundation and relationship you will have.

Give her a little time being that you all talked, apologized, that is so cool and adult. Inner work takes time and love, as well as patience. Give her that while working and see, if not you will know. When  you do look how far you have come, worked on, and well are. You soul is showing and it is beautiful. Shine on, and light your path rather then curse the darkness.



If not someone will truly appreciate and love you for it. Don't give up yet. Love is the key. Repeat that with me love is the key. You both had it, you do have it, don't give it up yet. If you have to later, well then you will know. For now walk in love, respect, and a path of good.

LR