Think I've figured it out: He likes being chased.

[Ceruleanblue]

I got a decent night's sleep last night, and when I woke up this morning, it came to me: the WHY of how he is acting right now.

He initially got triggered because I told him I was making a back up plan to leave, because his threats were sounding more serious, and I was tired of all the abuse, and this drama with his adult girls. I didn't realize this would be a huge trigger for him, I mean, after all, what did he expect, HE had spent five years threatening me, and had left me once.

Then, he goes from "what can I do to make you stay"(he didn't like my answer), to a huge blow up where he acts like he's ending it(he couldn't take the fact that I had a back up plan for just this eventuality). That night he throws me out of the bedroom. YET, after being cold a few days, he's started being nicer, but still hasn't asked me back into the bedroom. He's actually engaging with me more than his norm also.

Here is what I woke up realizing: He wants me to chase him, because that is what I always did. I would reassure him, and keep saying positive things like "we can be happy, we can be anything we put our minds to"(we meaning HIM, because only he can change his negativity and behaviors... .I use "we" because it's less triggering to him). Lots of "happiness is a daily choice" comments, and trying to stay positive, and also extra physical touch(his love language).

In other words, it was always ME trying to make him feel better, and chasing him. He's wanting that again, I've realized. He enjoys being chased because it makes him feel in control, wanted, loved, and powerful. He wants to feel in control at all times. He's always on the lookout for ways he thinks I'm trying to control him, which is hilarious, as he controls so much. I've let him, because it was just easier. I didn't resent it though, because I felt it WAS my choice to let him have that control. I only stood up for things that were deal breakers for me, mostly.

This time, I'm not chasing, and he doesn't know how to react. I've changed the dynamics, without really realizing it. Oh, and the only time he's really ever pursued ME since we were dating, was when he'd left and I'd started dating someone else(just casual, nothing remotely sexual, but BPD didn't initially know that). Boy, did that drive him crazy, and he sort of chased me then, or at least was super insecure about it.

So, that's my answer. He likes to be chased, and I'm not willing to do that anymore. Not sure how he'll deal with that. Not that it really matters I guess, as I'm determined to leave end of October if all goes by plan. He doesn't know that though.

Any predictions in how he'll react, or will this just continue the way it is now? I can't imagine it will, as he never maintains stable moods for long... .

[married21years]

read about the push pull of BPD

they need to control the distance between you

[Ceruleanblue]

Thanks. I've read all that. I've read so much about BPD/NPD over the last years, I feel I could write a book.

I think I'd just gotten so used to the push/pull, that I didn't immediately think of that when I was trying to figure out what was different this time. I've change the dynamics, and he isn't used to that. I didn't even mean to change them, I just got tired of chasing.

It remains to be seen what he'll do with it. Not that it matters long term, but it can determine who my last few months with him might be.    I'd like to get along, and I'll pretend I'm letting him "decide"... .hey, whatever it takes to get to where I need to be: out of here, doing that with as much peace as possible.

[married21years]

the sooner you get out the sooner the healing will begin 

[Xstang77]

My word of advice is if your deffinetly gonna leave and are able to do it sooner... .they can usually tell when somethings off like empaths almost no matter how hard you try to hide it and play along,they can sense it and usually leave before being "abandoned" just giving advice in case him leaving before hand might cause you issues.

[Ceruleanblue]

Thanks. Yeah, he can't really leave, unless it's to his daughter's house like he did last time. He was happy as a clam there, all crammed in with her. Super big family enmeshment issues.

I have to wait, really, because the place I'm moving to isn't ready, and I have to save up too. He refuses to leave this place, and I can't right now. If he'd leave for his daughter's house like last time, that would be fine with me. I think he really does think I'm just pining for him, and that he has me on tenderhooks since he said he's weighing the pros and cons of staying married.

I think he does fear abandonment, and he definitely would like to be the one calling it off, but I already beat him to that. He was still upset that after he walked out last time, I beat him to the divorce attorney. I didn't want the divorce at that time, but I'd done all the begging him back I was going to do. Beg him to what, abuse me some more? Back then it was even physical at times. His leaving shook me up, and woke me up, and I marched to the divorce lawyer the day after he packed up and left, and had him served at work. That really hurt his male ego and pride, that I served him first. I just know he was thinking I didn't have it in me.

I'm pretty sure he still thinks I'm just dying to actually stay with him. He likes feeling he's in control. He's being somewhat nicer, but he's also telling deliberate lies and doing weird things. Like tonight he texted and said he was going with a work buddy(the much younger one that calls his wife a c*nt) to the bar for a beer, and that he WOULD NOT be late. Fine, whatever, for someone always not wanting to feel controlled, it's weird that he now suddenly is acting like he's ever had common courtesy, and now lets me know what he's doing?

This breaks his promise to never drink then ride his motorcycle, but whatever, I no longer care. Plus, his "I won't be late" turned into four hours at the bar. It's like he says something, knowing it's a lie, just to see if I get mad? As long as he'd gone, it's good with me. Get drunk then hop on your motorcycle as a newer rider? Cool, it's your life. He's making such bad decisions and practicing risk taking behaviors, but that's on him. I'm not going to worry over him anymore.

He may pull the plug early, but I can tell you that he can't just throw me out. I can move early if I absolutely have to, but I'm hoping it doesn't come to that. Heck, half the time he ignores me anyway, and that's fine with me. He won't be fine if he thinks I'm going out though. Just tonight he asked who I was talking on the phone to, and he asked where I'd been earlier that day, and he didn't like it that I'd visited my parents! I will NOT MISS that crap.

[gotbushels]

I like your deductions Ceruleanblue.    I especially like the part where you mention that you've changed this dynamic, and have come to a place of processing and realising.

Any predictions in how he'll react, or will this just continue the way it is now? I can't imagine it will, as he never maintains stable moods for long... .

I would guess he will either give you increasing tantrums or chase you to get the old pattern back or do nothing for reasoning I won't even touch.  I think you know well enough that predicting pwBPDs is a little futile though. 

I'd like to get along (... .) hey, whatever it takes to get to where I need to be: out of here, doing that with as much peace as possible.

 

[GoingBack2OC]

Just a thought, but I think to some degree, even in healthy relationships there is to a degree a sense of chase/being chased that plays a part in the dynamics of the relationship.

I think we all want to be chased a bit, and also, we all want to chase.

My ex ex, who was a really awesome, strong person-- we used to joke around when one partner "wasn't in the mood", like if she was, and I wasn't, she'd kid and say "aww you want to be the cheetah... .and chase the gazelle".

It was always very friendly, we laughed a lot and almost never fought.

Cheetah and Gazelle, makes me smile when I think of how down to earth and cool some people are. And I let her go, I just wasnt ready. Live and learn.