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Author Topic: How to get past the mean things they say?  (Read 549 times)
CrazyChuck
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« on: July 26, 2016, 02:33:58 PM »

I know I am not the only person who has this issue. When people with BPD get angry they sometimes use personal things to really cause pain. So how do you get past the hurt?

Example: uBPDw while very upset told me she had been with men that had much much larger penises than mine. She went on to give the name, date, and a full description of their intercourse. When she calmed down she gave a very rare apology and said it was before we met so I had no right to be upset about it. I could tell she did feel really bad about it. She followed up by saying my penis was fine and she wouldn't have married me if it was an issue. This happened over a year ago and I still think about it almost every day. That could me being narcissistic. Which would support her claims that I am a narcissist.

Are there tools or something to get over the hurt they sometimes cause?



P.S. (6 inches is average Doing the right thing (click to insert in post))
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Meili
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« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2016, 05:28:00 PM »

Mine did something almost exactly like that, minus the details. I wouldn't have allowed that. The next day she apologized and told me that she selected all of the things that she said with the sole purpose of hurting me. It didn't work. I had already learned that when she rages and says hurtful things, they aren't really about me. I was right. She was hurting and lashed out at me to ignore her own pain.

That's what pwBPD do. Rather than giving thought to their own feelings, they direct them onto others. I've learned to depersonalize it. When someone with BPD is lashing out, it isn't about me; it's about them.

So, the best advice that I have for you in those moments is try to remember that it isn't really about you. As an added bonus, you begin to realize that when the pwBPD starts to be insulting that there is something else going on and you need to pay attention.

(oh, and you should check your stats on the average, it's not that high)
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waverider
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« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2016, 08:38:51 AM »

When you take a hit and struggle to brush it off it is often a sign of your own insecurities, a pwBPD simpley exposes them. That is not a criticism, more a heads up that by working on our own self esteem, which usually has taken a battering in a BPD relationship, we are more protected against such times.

It is never easy, but it shouldn't be overwhelming once we have found our own inner self.
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CrazyChuck
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« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2016, 09:48:00 AM »

When you take a hit and struggle to brush it off it is often a sign of your own insecurities, a pwBPD simpley exposes them.

This is so true. I just really really wish I could forget it. Like maybe going to a hypnotist or something.
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CrazyChuck
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« Reply #4 on: July 27, 2016, 09:57:34 AM »

So, the best advice that I have for you in those moments is try to remember that it isn't really about you. As an added bonus, you begin to realize that when the pwBPD starts to be insulting that there is something else going on and you need to pay attention.

There was something else major going on. She had done something else extremely hurtful and I was very angry about that. So I guess this was her lashing out about her feelings.

I just want to forget all of that time period. We have some great times together. I just want to forget the bad. I want to forget everything that happened before I knew about validation. Everything before I knew about BPD.

It was like 6 months of the Garden of Eden, followed by a tornado of ups and downs. And now everything is great except for a few blowups and some bad memories I can't shake.
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jrharvey
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« Reply #5 on: July 27, 2016, 10:10:39 AM »

Wow Chuck. I am sorry. I get really hurt about things like that too and it really is tough. I went through a rare rage fit of hers yesterday that lasted ALL DAY and this morning. In that time she said soo many mean things even worse than this. This time though I didn't let it get to me what she said until right before I left work. She said something that I couldn't let go and I kinda blew up. I was doing so well. I felt amazing all day I just didn't take in any of the poison she was spitting out. It was bliss. I actually felt good! The more she said bad the better I felt. Very strange. I think a lot of it was I have actually been learning DBT myself. When she raged on me I was observing. It was like watching a movie. I didn't feel anything that she threw at me. I just watched. Very weird. Try to observe and not react. Dont react at all just keep watching. Know that your own sense of self is stronger than hers. Its the illness talking and it has nothing to do with you. We get hurt because of our own egos. I know that's why I use to get so angry.
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Meili
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« Reply #6 on: July 27, 2016, 10:44:49 AM »

Hey CC, those memories are really hard to shake. They make us question ourselves and our own realities sometimes. Is that happening for you?

In this particular case, one that you and I have both experienced, I try to remember all of the words and actions conflicting with the one time that she purposefully lashed out in an effort to hurt me. It's a big picture kind of thing. Saying something mean once in the heat of the moment should not negate all of the good things that were said and actions done.

I do agree with waverider though, at least in my case, this was an insecurity issue that was triggered. As long as I felt not good enough, her words bothered me. When I learned, and more importantly when I accepted, that I am good enough the pain of her words went away.

I'm in the process of learning to associate my various emotions with different memories. By doing this, the pain is take away from many things. But, to get to that point, I have to discover the original hurt that caused the association and change that. It's hard work, but seems to be completely worth it. Do you think that something like that would help you?
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waverider
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« Reply #7 on: July 27, 2016, 05:53:00 PM »

Invalidations like this often compound making our triggers more sensitive. As a result it is often not just these comments alone, it is that they may represent a whole series of issues. This can then represent the ugly face of a period of bad attitude. This is different to the one off stand alone meltdown which is easier to write off as a tantrum.
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michel71
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« Reply #8 on: July 27, 2016, 07:26:39 PM »

It is hard to just brush it off. For me anyway, I just can't forget certain terrible things said. uBPDspouse has even apologized for some but each insult is like coals of a fire that sit around and are starting to die out when another red hot burning coal is put on the heap causing the whole thing to ignite again.
The underlying issues never get worked on. No resolution. No meeting of the minds. We can't trust these people who are so unpredictable.
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Meili
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« Reply #9 on: July 27, 2016, 07:42:52 PM »

I don't agree about not being able to trust a pwBPD, and think that it's a bad plan to make generalized statements about them.

As we all know, BPD is a spectrum disorder. The individuals who fall on the spectrum are all unique and have their own personalities. Some are high functioning and hold high paying jobs that require a lot of trust.

I think that each of us needs to look at our own relationships and decide where we are safe to put our trust.
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michel71
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« Reply #10 on: July 27, 2016, 08:02:10 PM »

Well. Trust is relative of course. Or we can just trust in the unpredictability of our BPDs moods and reactions. And yes, of course, it is a spectrum disorder and some are very high functioning.
Mine is a covert NP with uBPD tendencies but very high functioning.
I trust my NP/uBPD in the following areas:
Taking good care and being sweet to my dog.
Being law abiding.
Showing up to work on time and working hard.
I don't trust my spouse because of VERBAL ABUSE, ECONOMIC ABUSE, broken promises and unpredictable and rageful behavior, disrespecting my needs and putting me last, among other things.
But, hey, admittedly I am not in a warm and fuzzy place right now.
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Meili
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« Reply #11 on: July 27, 2016, 10:06:05 PM »

I'm sorry that you're not in a warm and fuzzy place right now. Dealing with a pwBPD can certainly do that to you!

Once upon a time, I would have agreed with you about not trusting a pwBPD with the things that you listed. But, I've learned that by establishing and enforcing my boundaries, trust in those things was not necessary. As a result, they became a non-issue.

If I allowed her to cross those boundaries, that was on me, not on her. We can only control ourselves and not another after all.
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michel71
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« Reply #12 on: July 27, 2016, 10:23:42 PM »

That makes sense to me actually. I never really thought of it like that! I think that has been part of my problem ... .is not having clear cut boundaries. I own that one for sure. Maybe that might be a good re-focus point for me and could aide in need to get out of this relationship IF I COMMUNICATE unequivocally those boundaries and they are CROSSED.
Without hijacking this thread maybe that is something that would give me the final push I need to exit this relationship with stronger fortitude.
So getting back to the thread at hand, maybe for all of us in a similar situation it should go something like this:
1) they say mean things
2) mean things hurt us and stay with us
3) we try to de-personalize and accept, radically accept, that it is there pain that causes this.
4)Set our boundaries firm with some things... .i.e... ." I understand if you are upset but I cannot allow you to call me the F word anymore or I will leave the relationship"
5) F word said. Exit relationship.
And if we don't do #5 after saying #4, then its on us if we stay.
Of course the above is just an example and I know that for most of us it is not just one thing that they say or do.

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michel71
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« Reply #13 on: July 27, 2016, 10:31:13 PM »

I found this quote from another poster named JOSH:

Just remember, the boundaries are for YOU to stop what you can't handle, not for HER to change. So a way for you to know progress is when you are not so scared of her reaction, when you are leading a pretty happy life.
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Meili
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« Reply #14 on: July 27, 2016, 10:39:21 PM »

That is a very good quote, with a lot of truth behind it.

When we are secure enough in ourselves, others cannot hurt us in the ways that pwBPD do.
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zonnebloem
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« Reply #15 on: July 28, 2016, 05:31:16 AM »

 

Hi... .I don't know about the "average" but I do know that the law selfconfidence of my ex is because he'd Always say that his penis is so short. (bur good enough to have 4 kids)

how sad. I couldn't convince him that it didn't matter because when I mentioned previous lovers, he'd be not happy neither.

I couln't win.  
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CrazyChuck
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« Reply #16 on: July 28, 2016, 10:27:25 AM »


1) they say mean things
2) mean things hurt us and stay with us
3) we try to de-personalize and accept, radically accept, that it is there pain that causes this.
4)Set our boundaries firm with some things... .i.e... ." I understand if you are upset but I cannot allow you to call me the F word anymore or I will leave the relationship"
5) F word said. Exit relationship.
And if we don't do #5 after saying #4, then its on us if we stay.
Of course the above is just an example and I know that for most of us it is not just one thing that they say or do.
I like the boundaries idea. I did set up a boundary back then not even knowing about boundaries. After I threw up, I told her to never talk about sex with other men ever again. And she has not.

So it all comes down to self confidence. If she got angry and called me a loser. It would not affect me because I do not think I am a loser.

So after reading these great comments, it is about building self confidence to get past the burning coals thrown into our souls.

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CrazyChuck
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« Reply #17 on: July 28, 2016, 10:41:49 AM »

I talked to my T about this. She said that she doesn't understand why men have such a big hangup on penis size. That women do not care about penis size.

I told her that is BS. Post size doesn't matter on social media and you will get several responses like "That is just what we tell men with small penises". 
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Meili
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« Reply #18 on: July 28, 2016, 11:02:39 AM »

For whatever the reason, some men do have a sense of self-worth tied to size. Whether or not it should be an issue is irrelevant; for those men it is. We can either accept it, or we change our self-image so that it doesn't matter.
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adaw
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« Reply #19 on: August 15, 2016, 06:56:25 AM »

I don't take it personal but I have the backing of her kids
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adaw
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« Reply #20 on: August 21, 2016, 03:17:20 PM »

I have tried everything to find the cause of the rage but she won't get to the real concern
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Meili
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« Reply #21 on: August 22, 2016, 09:16:46 AM »

That may be because she doesn't know the cause.
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Oncebitten
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« Reply #22 on: August 22, 2016, 09:33:35 AM »

Hey Chuck

Hang in there man, I can't speak for yours or anyone else's but I can say that my gf wBPD tends to attack the things that she loves and admires about me when she rages.  Its a self defense thing, that is the way that I have come to think of it and deal with it.  When they get angry sometimes they don't truly understand why they are so hurt and they can't process all of the emotion it once.  So they lash out and it will always be those of us who are closest to them that take the brunt of their hurt feelings.  In those moments they are hurt and they perceive that you are to blame, they trusted you, loved you and you let them down.  You of all people is how they look at it, and in that moment they will do everything they can to push you away.  Put distance between themselves and what they believed caused them pain.  Including calling you names and saying hurtful things.  They want you to feel their pain and most importantly they are trying to convince themselves that you aren't so wonderful and they don't need you, so they can protect themselves.
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Beacher
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« Reply #23 on: August 22, 2016, 10:17:41 AM »

So sorry you are going through this. I can't believe she said ' if it was an issue I wouldn't have married you.Whaaaaat? At least she apologized, my ex denied every horrible thing he said to me.It stays with you and knowing they probably didn't mean it doesn't help lesson the hurt.
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cc22
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« Reply #24 on: August 27, 2016, 09:59:57 PM »

I just want to thank you for posting this. I struggle with the exact same thing, letting go of the deeply personal attacks my boyfriend uses against me can feel impossible sometimes. The reason it hurts so badly is because he knows me well enough to use the words that will cut me the deepest. I try to tell myself that he isn't his illness, I know that overall I am dating a very loving kind hearted person who would never speak so hatefully. I'm sorry I don't have great advice, I just wanted to say that you are not alone and are not weak for feeling the things you feel.
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k-a-r

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« Reply #25 on: September 01, 2016, 02:40:05 AM »

My BPD boyfriend does the same thing. He will say hurtful things in order to hurt me and then apologize when he's out of an 'episode', and say "I'm sorry but it was what I was feeling at the time." or sometimes he will genuinely realize he was an ass. it varies. but its difficult to forget; i just try to remind myself that its the BPD and not him as a person
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livednlearned
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« Reply #26 on: September 01, 2016, 12:18:20 PM »

What is the core emotion? You are not lovable? Not good enough? Afraid of being alone? Laughed at?

If she can get you to feel the way she does, it is a form of negative validation. You are made to feel equal to how she feels, and for a moment she can switch roles and make someone feel inadequate, this provides a feeling of being superior, but it's fleeting and artificial.  

Without your insecurity around this, she would find something else. It is not about hurting you, it is about relieving the intense feelings she has, in that moment. When it passes, she may regret what she said because the feeling is no longer intense. Metaphorically, she is kneeing you in the groin because it is guaranteed to get a reaction, and once she sees the pain on your face, she can switch to a less intense feeling.

Size, height -- these are just symbols for confidence. That is what many women are attracted to, confidence. ( Many men too.)

Because confidence allows us to experience security, to be around it and enjoy it, have it reflect back on us. It feels safe.

It's not easy to feel confident when you don't, especially when you're being targeted. It is a metamorphosis to turn the insecurity into self-love, and if you can do that, her bullets will bounce off you.


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