Trying to move on but filled with guilt

[Beacher]

Well, last summer as I was trapped in my daughters old room was a horror. After years of living with my BPD husband, I found out the week before my daughters wedding he had an affair. Had him move out and as soon as I said I wanted a divorce he had me served 2 days later.
Fast forward to May and it was finalized. He said he could not live with the uncertainty and wanted to fast track it.
I'm by myself and had time to grieve but now want to move on. Phone calls from him crying, he's finding it hard to live without me, wants to stop by and see me because he misses me. It fills me with great anxiety and I want to go NC. I don't want to be cold but do not want this either, yet can't help but feel sorry for him and remember all the times he was a wonderful adoring husband. How crazy do I sound? I try to remind him it's only been two months and he always ends up reliving what went wrong and how hard he is working on himself now. Ugh. Help!

[joeramabeme]

Hi Beacher

Sounds like you are doing a pretty darn good job of being thoughtful and maintaining your own boundaries.  Do you have any conflicting feelings?  And is he aware of his BP behaviors or simply just wanting to get back together with you?

Me personally, I am not sure I could talk regularly with an ex without feeling some kind of uncertainty, especially after 2 months NC.  Again, I think what you described demonstrates a high degree of keeping your boundaries intact.

JRB

[Mutt]

Hi Beacher,

That's awful that the news of the affair came out before your D's wedding, a wedding is exciting and it would difficult with that on on your mind. A pwBPD lack impulse control and thoughts to consequences., fear rejection, and abandonment.  It's difficult to say exactly what was going through his mind but subconsciously a pwBPD will reject before they're rejected.

I think that many members can relate with thinking about the good times, it helps to step back and look at the whole r/s from start to finish with the good times and the bad times. He made his choice, I would find that difficult if my ex was begging and crying but she has to live with her consequences. Your exH will get through this, I would suggest to self protect with minimal or no contact, and take really good care of yourself.

[married21years]

 

stay strong you are doing well

well done

an affair is a deal breaker to many, my ex knows it is with me and will never admit it or deal with the issue 

[Beacher]

Thank you all so much. I have been isolating and crying and feeling terrible. Brave in front of coworkers and people I have told, fall to pieces when I am home. I need to reach out more and get back into therapy. This site is a godsend. I mentioned BPD to him,he just feels he is a sensitive guy who has been wronged all his life. Repeatedly says " I just want to find someone who loves me for who I am". God knows I've tried for 10 years and feel like I am going through PTSS.