A Complete BPD Cycle Described in 101 Words

[Depression = 72% of members]

She was struggling with inner turmoil when she finds him.  He seems responsive to her needs. She idealizes him and she invests in him with strength, love and power. He is standing beneath this shining light, finds it hard to resist the temptation to accept as reality the wondrous feelings of idealized specialness.

Inevitably, he betrays her idealization by some evidence of human frailty. She is overcome by the intense affects and anxiety this evokes, turns on him as she would a deadly enemy and attacks. She then goes off in search of someone else to idealize and use as protection.

[StayStrongNow]

She was struggling with inner turmoil when she finds him.  He seems responsive to her needs. She idealizes him and she invests in him with strength, love and power. He is standing beneath this shining light, finds it hard to resist the temptation to accept as reality the wondrous feelings of idealized specialness.

Inevitably, he betrays her idealization by some evidence of human frailty. She is overcome by the intense affects and anxiety this evokes, turns on him as she would a deadly enemy and attacks. She then goes off in search of someone else to idealize and use as protection.

[afdezm]

bravo!

[Mars22]

Spooky.

[StayStrongNow]

I agree Mars 22, this is exactly what happened with my stbxBPDw.

[Leonis]

Story of many of us here.

[snowmonkey]

Esatto!

Yet, if showed this to my ex/stbx BPDgf she would still deny the diagnosis given her by two independent psychiatrists.

[married21years]

 

[StayStrongNow]

 

[NewTring]

Is there a Like button?

[kc sunshine]

Did any of you then feel like the new person was also a protection against you? I often felt like when I was with my ex and her new partner that she was using her as a shield against me-- strange!

She then goes off in search of someone else to idealize and use as protection.

[Mars22]

Did any of you then feel like the new person was also a protection against you? I often felt like when I was with my ex and her new partner that she was using her as a shield against me-- strange!

She then goes off in search of someone else to idealize and use as protection.

IN my case, i was triangulated by her various friends and family who validated her beliefs the whole relationship so, whether or not there is a replacement now, her protection against me started LOOong before the actual discard. Now, that I'm coming out of the FOG and seeing, most embarrassingly that — It literally was ME vs Them. I'm sure the new guy will benefit greatly from from all my 'missteps'.

[SoMadSoSad]

Did any of you then feel like the new person was also a protection against you? I often felt like when I was with my ex and her new partner that she was using her as a shield against me-- strange!

She then goes off in search of someone else to idealize and use as protection.

Heres a thought. YOu are a source of her pain and trigger her. She also loves you but doesnt want to go back to that pain so she uses him as a soothing for her pain and focusing on him prevents her from going back to you (the pain). Also she might just be playing the victim role to him.

[Meili]

I strongly suspect that my x is doing exactly what SMSS suggests.

My x has told me on multiple occasions that she still loves me and wishes that thing could be different, but is afraid that she can't get past the pain. With the new guy it is nothing but fun and he lacks the seriousness that she experienced with me.

[Dutched]

Well done, all said in 101 words!  Amazing! 

And SoMadSoSad adding one too that is spot on! 

Heres a thought. YOu are a source of her pain and trigger her. She also loves you but doesnt want to go back to that pain so she uses him as a soothing for her pain and focusing on him prevents her from going back to you (the pain). Also she might just be playing the victim role to him.

Hope the Mod’s won’t close this section now that everything is said…   

[StayStrongNow]

Did any of you then feel like the new person was also a protection against you? I often felt like when I was with my ex and her new partner that she was using her as a shield against me-- strange!

The stbxBPDw has a replacement who is 6'4". That is the size of her father. Her father allegedly beat her as a young girl. This info comes from her and her mother who is also a BPD so I really cannot believe them.

But yes I do suspect the new attachment is for security, maybe from me too. I never hit her once but I surmise projection is in play now and she said all sorts of things to him about me as she rewrotes history she now believes happened. The truth is she has beat me repetitively and has been arrested, charged and convicted of DV, child endangerment, public drunkenness, resisting arrest etc. Last time she was finding someone to bail her out of jail, the replacement saved her and bailed her out.

Anyway I think there may be some element of her thinking she needs protection from people including me. She is really a BPD extraordinaire. The sad thing about it is I was in a FOG and I was misinformed by a T that she was PTSD. Now I know she is sick with a horrible disease and the protector can have her all he wants.

[StayStrongNow]

Did any of you then feel like the new person was also a protection against you? I often felt like when I was with my ex and her new partner that she was using her as a shield against me-- strange!

The stbxBPDw has a replacement who is 6'4". That is the size of her father. Her father allegedly beat her as a young girl. This info comes from her and her mother who is also a BPD so I really cannot believe them.

But yes I do suspect the new attachment is for security, maybe from me too. I never hit her once but I surmise projection is in play now and she said all sorts of things to him about me as she rewrites history she now believes in. The truth is she has beat me repetitively and has been arrested, charged and convicted of DV, child endangerment, public drunkenness, resisting arrest etc. Last time she was finding someone to bail her out of jail, the replacement saved her and bailed her out.

Anyway I think there may be some element of her thinking she needs protection from people including me. She is really a BPD extraordinaire. The sad thing about it is I was in a FOG and I was also misinformed by a T who claimed she has PTSD. Now I know she has this pitiful disease and the protector can have her all he wants.

[StayStrongNow]

Heres a thought. YOu are a source of her pain and trigger her. She also loves you but doesnt want to go back to that pain so she uses him as a soothing for her pain and focusing on him prevents her from going back to you (the pain). Also she might just be playing the victim role to him.

SoMadSoSad, the first time I read this I quickly discounted it and lost interest because I have all indications stbxBPDw does not love me. As I wind down the divorce from her, she is clearly and solely out to get as much money from me fair or unfair through the courts. Her spending is typical BPD way out of control. She has also beat, slapped, kicked etc me for years, even before devaluation was in full bloom. She wants me to waive cohabitation on the marriage settlement agreement and have me keep paying her alimony (maintenance) to essentially to her and the replacement. She is going to try to get my D10, D8 and S6 back. I have a NC policy with her except when needed for the kids and that communication is text only. She can't stand me apparently and now I am at a point I can't stand her. She is a bad BPD, her mugshots are posted on the Internet. In her mind I threw her in jail, because she blames me for everything, you all know how that goes with BPD.

I kept on reading the quote above and I started thinking I met her when she was 24. I was married to her for almost 10 years and due mostly to BPD the divorce is pushing 2 years.  So doing the math we had about 8 solid years of idealization and at that time she did love me. She has been with me the majority of her adult life. There is a story on this site about a woman with BPD who seems to convince me that her love was real. Then I did other research that indicate BPD love is not an outflowing, giving type of love. In many "normal" love r/s there is a giving and receiving type of love relationship that makes the bond special. So my ego would like to think she loves me and her replacement is as you described. My thoughts are that once painted black, you can't go back. Once she found the replacement and she gets that high from someone new then once that r/s cycles out, that addiction of getting that high from yet another replacement will start this type of cycle from repeating. Or she finds a replacement that can limp along but survive.

From what the stbxBPDmil told me about the stbxBPDw's (I suspect BPD) grandmother is that 2 generations ago bizarre events occurred with the grandmother in that she married several times, quoted as being 13 and only once divorced. You can't trust BPD for truth but something was obviously dysfunctional in their generational line. The stbxBPDw's step dad is definately NPD. Although both the stbxBPDmil and NPD put on masks at events and appear happy, the mil has expressed her unhappiness to me. It is suggested BPD can stay with NPD albeit a r/s of needing each other to survive.

In summary I am going to conclude that based on stbxBPDw's severe BPD, genetic makeup of having this disease, and other too many to mention reasons, I am going to rest assured there is no love but hate with her toward me and I will be the trigger and be black to her as long as she lives.

And if by any chance there is some remission of her BPD and she was to paint me white, I would reject any such encounter. I know she would have alternative motives. Looking back she did and gave everything she had for only her pure personal gain. I am seeking better than this because I deserve it.

[SoMadSoSad]

Wow StayStrong! 8 years in idealization. This is what I fear most right now. My ex, the replacement and I are all in mid twenties so I fear the replacement will keep her idealizing for years to come and I will think it was my fault we failed.

[StayStrongNow]

 Every situation is unique, I mentioned my stbxBPDw's spending, she was and is a compulsive shopper. I codepended that. I was making a very good salary, acquired profitable investment properties and I had the money to let her spend. She felt security and felt stable because of money. Fast forward, the Great Recession, losing a 25 month old daughter and money got tight, then moving etc.

Devaluation came and I am where I am and it is what it is but I imagine your situationSoMadSoSad is different. I really think my situation is an anomaly. I was a Sugar Daddy so now I am sharing some of my issues I am dealing with.

You might be correct in your quote, I actually tried to convince myself that you were right in my case but as I started texting I realized what I realized and she doesn't love me, never really did, never will.

I know it is hard, very hard to walk away from this but I owe it to my kids and myself that this tragedy can never be repeated. Because she is the mother of my children all I can do is sit on the sidelines and watch her self destruct.

You on the other hand are a freebird.

[StayStrongNow]

SoMadSoSad, it's not your fault BTW. Of course BPD thinks they are not to blame for anything, you and me are. That is such a strong indication they have this disorder.


Don't let them get to you, do more research, pretty soon you will be able to predict what they will say, do, and think.