Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
September 19, 2021, 02:08:35 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Beware of Junk Psychology... Just because it's on the Internet doesn't mean it's true. Not all blogs and online "life coaches" are reliable, accurate, or healthy for you. Remember, there is no oversight, no competency testing, no registration, and no accountability for many sites - it is up to you to qualify the resource. Learn how to navigate this complicated arena...
115
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Do some family members notice their behavior while others are blind?  (Read 527 times)
Indifferent28
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 159


« on: August 30, 2016, 11:52:30 AM »

I don't get it.
Some of my exes family members that i have spoken to (and her immediate family hates me due to whatever bad stuff she said about me because of course, she was innocent) but some of the family members I have recently spoken to tell me that they are very confused by her behavior now.

They said she was always independent and held a job even as a teen. She has now been unemployed since the beginning of the year with no real effort of looking for a job (though she says she is) and has passed up several interviews where she could've had the job handed to her. Her girl friend does not work or want to work either, so she is apparently mirroring this.

The family member said that her mother doesn't seem to be a fan of the replacement, and the fact of "how my ex is with this new girl" as in, not working, constantly drinking, partying, lying, etc.

However, her siblings seem to be very close with the replacement and adore her.
They're always posting about how cute they are together or how happy my ex is now and stuff.

Are some of the family members under the same delusion or what?

I've seen/heard that her siblings have a lot of emotional issues too, so i wouldn't be surprised if they have some sort of disorder themselves.

I have also noticed my exes best friend and her do not seem to really communicate much anymore, or that my ex doesn't hangout with any of her old friends really. She has mainly just switched over to all the replacements friends now, which means i think it will be harder for my ex and her to ever break up, because now her life is her replacements life... .same friends, and now she has taken on a parental role of the kid the replacement has.

I just don't get how some people can see something is wrong and others think they are the happiest thing ever.
Logged

Pretty Woman
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1683


The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #1 on: August 30, 2016, 12:27:20 PM »

Hi There,
   Remember that phrase, "Birds of a Feather Flock Together"? Don't be too surprised if the family (or majority of those closest to your ex) support and approve of their actions... .in many cases because they are cut from the same cloth.

In my personal situation I work with my ex's sister.  From the very beginning I was accused of "playing with her sister's emotions".

Nah. I was at work not responding to a barrage of texts being hurled at me in attempt to engage in an argument... .while I was at work, trying to be a responsible adult and make a living.

Many BPD's play victim and their families are their "rescuers" no matter what sob story they have told you about their horrible home life.

The smear campaigns these individuals launch are horrendous. People actually think I am some rapist. If you met me you would see that is NOT the case. I am a middle aged, educated, professional woman who is pretty tame in her life's adventures. I live a pretty simple and happy existence.

Don't place the value on yourself in THEIR hands. They have always been there for your ex and always will be. I guarantee you if your ex is true BPD the replacement will eventually be discarded.

You are lucky. I know it doesn't feel like it but try to relish in the fact you are free of this nightmare. All these people are stuck in your ex's warped world.

 
PW
Logged

Lucky Jim
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6198


« Reply #2 on: August 30, 2016, 05:09:36 PM »

Excerpt
Don't place the value on yourself in THEIR hands. They have always been there for your ex and always will be. I guarantee you if your ex is true BPD the replacement will eventually be discarded.

You are lucky. I know it doesn't feel like it but try to relish in the fact you are free of this nightmare. All these people are stuck in your ex's warped world.

Nicely said, PW.  From my point of view, it doesn't really matter what they think, so I wouldn't ruminate too much about how they view your Ex.

LJ
Logged

    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10317



WWW
« Reply #3 on: August 30, 2016, 08:11:54 PM »

Family and friends tend to be loyal. I think that a lot of it probably has to do with self awareness and awareness. I know people that in my opinion live life with the blinders on don't want to dig deeper, it's more comfortable that way. I also know some people that are very aware and introspective. Its hard for some people to take ownership of their own actions, to self reflect and change their behaviors.

I also think that some of it has to do with ego and I also think that you need to let go of your ego of you take accountability and admit that they were wrong. As I previously mentioned I think that some people just don't know any better. I get the impression that some people just don't want to know more because they might be afraid that they'll open wounds that they don't know how to deal or cope with. You could look at that as avoidance or subconscious.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
JJacks0
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 268


« Reply #4 on: August 30, 2016, 11:05:51 PM »

I'm so glad you brought this up.

I know my ex's family was/is aware of her mental health issues, since they were going on long before I even met her. And even during our r/s, her parents and siblings were made aware of significant issues that happened (suicide threats, cops coming, hospitalizations, etc.)

Her family seemed to love and embrace me at first, since I think they saw her calm down a bit initially when we started dating. They would even check in to ask me how I was doing, thank me for being there for her, etc.

But eventually, something seemed to change. I reached a point where I told my ex that I needed her to do a DBT program and commit to therapy or I didn't think we should live together anymore. Her mom was furious with me. She wrote a nasty letter to my ex about how there was nothing wrong with her and that I was being controlling, more or less. It blew my mind. I knew her mother was well aware of the problems that my ex had (and at this time especially, there were many). I chalked it up to a mother being defensive over her child (and who knows how my ex presented this to her - she may have made me seem a lot more cruel in my delivery).

Anyway, here we are now, 6ish years later and her family (from what I hear) now thinks that I'm a "phony", and no longer approves of me. Well that's obviously due to whatever my ex has told them about me now, which seems to be that I abandoned her in a time of need. That was her perception, so that is what they were told. And while I understand supporting your family, isn't there a time to draw the line? Doesn't it become enabling at some point? I really don't know, but I'm pretty confident that if I were acting out of line, my friends/family would call me out on it. In this situation I feel like either they do know the truth, and don't want to upset her (which would make sense if they truly understand BPD)... .or they really are just firmly planted in denial (I'm actually leaning more toward this being the case though). Back when we were still communicating, my ex admitted to me that she really isn't sure her family remembers or considers any of the damage that she's inflicted upon me, that in turn made me put my guard up and begin to detach. Up until about a couple months ago my ex and I were still thinking about working things out, and from what she told me her family was actually worried about her getting involved with me again... .as if I hadn't been there supporting her for the past 7 years while they were watching quietly from a distance.

I do also think that there is some truth in being "cut from the same cloth". My ex's older brother displays a lot of BPD traits, along with anxiety, depression, etc... .and he is completely untreated. So if that is a norm in the family,I guess they may just be so used to it that they fail to recall that it's an issue.

Finally, I think that her family resents me for leaving. It was my decision to take our r/s back a few steps while we tried to fix some things. Ultimately this led to us breaking up entirely and getting separate places. And although it sounds terrible, I truly think that her family is upset that they no longer have me to rely on as her caretaker. Now they need to step up & I think that that bothers them, so they call me "phony" for having dealt with something for so long before creating boundaries.

Sorry for making this response all about me - I saw a window of opportunity to share these thoughts and I'm guessing you can relate to them! So I hope it at least benefits you to know that others can relate. I really do feel for you - no matter how much it shouldn't matter what other people think, it really does feel terrible, especially when these were people who you once loved and cared for.
Logged

Indifferent28
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 159


« Reply #5 on: August 31, 2016, 11:06:45 AM »

Good responses everyone.

What you all said is very true... .Their family acts as "rescuers" during a break up, even if you were the one holding them while they cried over their family being mean to them. I witnessed my exes family being mean to her to the point of her crying in a ball numerous times, and her not understanding why. I didn't get it either yet I still held her and was there for her... .

Then all of a sudden, they hate me when they only have one side of the story.

I mean, it is nice to get others opinions here, as it shows you just show similar the cases are here.

JJacks0, yes that sounds about right.
You will probably continue to be painted black too. Usually people that can just paint you black like that have very weak actual relationships even if they aren't BPD it seems. If anyone is the phony, it is them for clearly ignoring her behavior.

They probably have mental issues themselves. That's the only reasoning, besides what Mutt said about not knowing how to deal with the behavior if they brought it up. I'm not sure what the correlation between BPD and other illnesses in the family is, but it seems pretty evident that not a lot of BPDs here had a good child hood or back story to them.

I'm sorry you're dealing with that Jacks. Don't let their view of you get you down, because you know that YOU were the one there for her behind closed doors. She can act like its her family that has never left her the last few years and this and that, but you have the undistorted true view.
Logged

Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10317



WWW
« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2016, 02:35:42 PM »

Hi Indifferent28,

Excerpt
I'm not sure what the correlation between BPD and other illnesses in the family is, but it seems pretty evident that not a lot of BPDs here had a good child hood or back story to them.

That's partly true. It could be that a pwBPD's neural pathways developed because of their childhood environment, genetics or a specific event in that person's life -  we can't always blame bad parenting, we have good parents over on the parenting board https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=4.0
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Icanteven
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 209


« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2016, 03:22:05 PM »

I don't get it.

Stop there.  You won't.

My wife has a number of siblings.  One posts tweets at least once a week that are unmistakable digs at my wife and/or shout outs to me.  Unambiguous.  Literally could have no other meaning as some are the most inside of inside jokes or reference events only the three of us would know about.  Burns my wife to the ground in some of these tweets. Send sibling DMs saying hey please don't put wife on blast on Twitter.  Ignores and continues.

Another sibling asked me about two months ago if we still talk, apparently unaware.  Showed sibling our most recent text interchange where wife had told me she loves me forever.  Gets on phone with wife and, to this day I'm not sure how the convo went, asks her 20 questions to the point that they're no longer on speaking terms.

OTOH, ask dad why his daughter has half a dozen mental illnesses and her psychotic break is all my fault.  Never mind that he knew she had a diagnosed mental illness before ever meeting me.  Never mind that he's been to family day - this year - and had it explained to him in crystal clear terms what drove some of these diagnoses going all the way back to brain development and/or childhood whatever.  Never mind that I was like a son to him before she had her psychotic break. Nope, now it's (partially anyway) my fault his daughter is (sometimes multiple) mood, eating, and personality disordered, and certainly my fault she lost her mind because his daughter being mentally ill is a reflection on him and not just a sh*tty break of life's craps dice. 

I don't get it either.

 

 
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!