Update on detachment progress

[Wize]

Hey BPD family.  I'm back after a brief suspension.  I can only post in my own threads so I thought I'd post a little update on my divorce and detachment from stbx uBPDw. 

I've been feeling pretty good lately.  Doc gave me some meds to help me sleep and cope with a little anxiety that was affecting my work.  I don't like being on medication but it's nice to finally get a full nights sleep.  I'm still doing the online dating thing but haven't actually met anyone in person yet. 

I don't think about my stbx wife as much.  It's been 3 months since I packed all my stuff, moved out and filed for divorce.  In the past couple weeks, I've really been able to understand and accept how dysfunctional and sick my wife really is and how our relationship truly was doomed from the start.  Before, in my healing process, I still wanted to get back together with her.  I don't anymore.  I want to move forward, put her in the past and embrace a life without her. I miss her though.  And I still have love for her in my heart.

I look forward to seeing what's next in my life, where the unexpected twists and turns may lead me.  My depression is pretty much gone but my loneliness definitely remains.  That codependency is still there and I need to be careful as I re-enter the dating world.

For those still in a lot of pain... .and I know there's a lot of you on this board; it gets better.  Slowly and surely that acute sting in the center of your heart and mind will dull and fade.  And you'll be left a lot stronger and wiser than before. 

Feel free to comment on whatever you want in this thread.  It's nice to be back after a short recess.  I hope everyone is doing ok.   

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Wize-

It's been 3 months since I packed all my stuff, moved out and filed for divorce.  In the past couple weeks, I've really been able to understand and accept how dysfunctional and sick my wife really is and how our relationship truly was doomed from the start.

Have you begun to look at how you fit into that dysfunction, what part of the relationship dynamic was yours, and how you can learn from that and grow moving forward?  It's interesting how detachment goes, how it's all about our ex to begin with, and their personality disorder or traits thereof, and then it becomes about our ex and us and how that all went down, and then it becomes exclusively about us, and the resulting growth can be considered the gift of the relationship.

I want to move forward, put her in the past and embrace a life without her. I miss her though.  And I still have love for her in my heart.

Nice!  A good way to do that is develop a compelling vision for our future, and then take steps in that direction; do you know what the future life of your dreams looks like?  I have love for my ex in my heart too, more compassion really, and admiration for the strength she has living a very tough life with a disorder; she's doing the best she can with what she has, as we all do.

Take care of you!

[Mutt]

 Hi Wize,
 
Thanks for posting. I'd like to echo fromheeltoheal, a r/s is relflects what we put out in the world and it gives us realistic feedback about ourselves, it's not easy to take a look in the mirror sometimes but it pays off in dividends. That said, you can learn a lot about yourself, r/s's and not just romantic relationships but other relationships with loved ones.
 
Good for you that the meds are helping you with anxiety, your body has an adjustment period with meds and it may take a little time to get adjusted to them but you'll start feeling better soon.

[Wize]

Have you begun to look at how you fit into that dysfunction... .

Absolutely.  I refuse to enter into another dysfunctional, one-sided relationship again. And there have been many in my life.  I trace it to my co-dependency, something I never knew I had.  Reflecting upon my childhood wounds-which I've done before in therapy years ago-and accepting how desperately lonely I get, I've understood that I need to continue to heal old wounds so that I feel like a whole, viable person. I'm so terribly hard on myself... .because my dad was so abusive to me growing up.  I was never good enough for him... .and I carried that sense of insufficiency into my adult life.  To steal an analogy from another user, I feel like a dented can, bargain shelf material.

So I'm working on that... .and I'm making progress!  And that progress is leading me to see my BPD relationship and the ensuing personal growth in the aftermath as a gift.  I'm beginning to feel grounded and acceptable... .but it's slow progress.  I'm more motivated than I've ever been to be healthy and to actually... .LIKE MYSELF.  Liking myself and accepting myself is so very difficult for me.  There's this block in my mind that prevents me from liking myself.  I have to self-talk and say things like "Wize, you're a good person, people like you, you're good enough."  But the self talk doesn't do a lot to override the consistent signal in my mind that flashes a big sign "YOU WILL ALWAYS BE REJECTED" "YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ALONE" "NO ONE COULD POSSIBLY EVER LOVE YOU."

So that's where I'm at right now.  I'm recognizing my issues and trying to deal with them.  I should probably be in professional therapy but I just don't have time right now with my new promotion at work.  

Mutt, thanks for the comment.  Yeah, I'm not a big drug taker.  And I work in a hospital.  But I needed something to calm my mind.  The drugs work but they also have their side effects.  They make me feel a little hazey, but as you said, I'm still adjusting to them.

[fromheeltoheal]

I trace it to my co-dependency, something I never knew I had.

Now there's a gift yes?

I was never good enough for him... .and I carried that sense of insufficiency into my adult life.  To steal an analogy from another user, I feel like a dented can, bargain shelf material.

Yes, the outer critic became an inner critic.  Fixable, starting with you might look at that metaphor, a dented can is damaged, and you could dump it out, bang it into shape, and refill it, but that sounds like a lot of work.  How about it's a perfect can, full of mostly good stuff, but with some crap thrown in, and if we dump it all out, we can fill it up with whatever we want, minus the crap, yes?  And remember, the can itself was never nothing but perfect the way it is.

Liking myself and accepting myself is so very difficult for me.  There's this block in my mind that prevents me from liking myself.  I have to self-talk and say things like "Wize, you're a good person, people like you, you're good enough."  But the self talk doesn't do a lot to override the consistent signal in my mind that flashes a big sign "YOU WILL ALWAYS BE REJECTED" "YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ALONE" "NO ONE COULD POSSIBLY EVER LOVE YOU."

That's because you've got strong neural pathways, evidenced by the all-caps phrases, that are like a freeway in your brain, and your intentional self talk helps, but it's a narrow trail to start.  The best way is to FEEL what you're saying to yourself, with absolute intensity, jump around a yell it in your living room with tunes cranked, I'm not kidding, and that installs those beliefs in your nervous system at a visceral level, so that trail becomes a path, becomes a road, becomes the new bypass freeway, so no use for the old one and it just gets overgrown with weeds.  I'm still not kidding, do it with maximum enthusiasm and energy, like your life depends on it, which it does, and you'll start seeing results bigtime.

[Wize]

  fromheeltoheal

Thanks, bro.  You're words very much go to my heart.  I do want to say the words and believe them. Eventually I will truly believe that I'm good enough.

[adventurer]

If you don't mind saying, what's the medication?
I'm taking hydroxizine and I'm not sure it's really cutting it for me.

[fromheeltoheal]

I do want to say the words and believe them. Eventually I will truly believe that I'm good enough.

So then do it.  With MAXIMUM emotional intensity.  Do it all weekend.  Beliefs are like software for the brain, and they get installed with emotion.  So go there, all the way there.  This is your life we're talking about, so it warrants some extreme focus, commitment and energy yes?

We look forward to updates on Monday... .

[Wize]

If you don't mind saying, what's the medication?
I'm taking hydroxizine and I'm not sure it's really cutting it for me.

Seroquel for sleep and Xanax for anxiety. Modafinil for lethargy during the day.  I take seroquel every evening but the Xanax and moda I take as needed.