Father won't change- I am angry and resentful

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My dad and I have gone to 3 family therapy sessions together. He insists he has changed (even though I can tell he has not). I am angry with him for not trying harder. If he loved me, he would make a bigger effort to change. But I have experienced his lies so many times, and bc of his NPD diagnosis, I know it would take a lot of therapy and time for him to change. I fee like he says whatever he thinks he has to to get me back into his life!

I wish he was just normal.

How can I deal with my feelings of anger and resentment toward him?

[Rigs]

My dad and I have gone to 3 family therapy sessions together. He insists he has changed (even though I can tell he has not). I am angry with him for not trying harder. If he loved me, he would make a bigger effort to change. But I have experienced his lies so many times, and bc of his NPD diagnosis, I know it would take a lot of therapy and time for him to change. I fee like he says whatever he thinks he has to to get me back into his life!

I wish he was just normal.

How can I deal with my feelings of anger and resentment toward him?

[Panda39]

Hi Rigs,

Welcome to the BPD Family   I'm so glad you've found us.

I'm sorry you are struggling with your relationship with your dad I understand your anger.  I'm here because my SO (significant other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) and when I arrived here I too was very angry.  In my case I was angry at how this woman was treating her children.  I was on the outside looking in where you are on the inside looking out.

One of the first pieces of advice I received from a more senior member when I arrived here was to stop focusing on the kid's BPDmom and focus on the kids.  Really good advice, because what I have learned since being here is that we can not control or change someone else. I could only change and control myself.  I could not change the kid's BPDmom and unfortunately it isn't in your power to change your NPDdad.  In letting go of trying to understand her or try and fix her I was also letting go of my anger.  Does she still make me angry yes she can but it isn't nearly as often and it isn't a pervasive all encompassing thing anymore.

So my advice is the same for you.  Focus on the kid... .you.  Try to let go of wanting to control what your dad does and focus on you.  How can you protect yourself from your dad's behaviors? Can you create boundaries?  Can you enforce them? Are there more effective ways of communicating with your dad for example.  How about getting some physical exercise? That can help work of some of that anger too.  You might want to consider individual therapy for yourself if you're not already doing so.

I hope I've helped.  I also want to point out the box to the right --> each item is a link to more information.  When you have the chance you might want to check out the "Lessons" section.

Take Care,
Panda93

[Mutt]

Hi Rigs,



Three therapy sessions is not a lot, did your dad say that he's changed and he's not interested? Great advice from   Panda83. I'd like to add to the topic on change. I arrived here after my ex exited our marriage when she got a boyfriend and my boundary was that I can't continue with somebody I don't trust. For years I had wanted her to change, I gave her an ultimatum that if she didn't get therapy and change that I was done with the r/s and that triggered her fear of abandonment and the marriage was pretty much over.

I had focused on her and if you think about change, it's not easy, its gradual and it takes commitment and a lot if work but when you change everything else changes. Once that I committed myself to change how interacted with my ex and didn't take her behaviors personally I was less depressed, angry and I was happier with my life.

I'm happy that you decided to join us, you'll find a lot if members here that can relate to you and offer you guidance and support. Welcome to the family  

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY RIGGS:   

I'm so sorry about the situation with your dad.  Do you live in the same household?  How old is your dad?

Unfortunately, we can't change someone, only the way we interact and react?  Was there some specific event that led to family therapy?  Were the therapy sessions with just you and you dad, or were your mom and other siblings there?

Three therapy sessions is barely into the therapy phase of defining the issues.  How did your dad behave during the sessions?