BPD ex back with NPD

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi All,

I have been no contact with my ex for just over 2 months. I think she is back with her Narcissist ex boyfriend and he pretty much defines her. They were together for about 4 years, we were together for about 7-8 months long distance.

They say that BPD girls are drawn to Narcissist men. Even though this should not be any of my concern, do you think their relationship will work out? Being completely honest, I want it to fail so that she hits rock bottom and wakes the hell up. Also I will find it devastating if she goes back to the guy she had originally left for me and it now works. Maybe this time their relationship will have a different dynamic, that thought scares me, even though she had repeatedly assured me she would never go back to him.

She used to tell me how it was very turbulent, yet she never fully let go of him when she was with me. There was some sort of addiction there on both sides. If this guy defines her existence, how does she ever fully let go? Jumps to another narcissist who defines her?

This guy was persistently pursuing her throughout the time she was with me. He never gave up. Sometimes I say to myself perhaps I should have put my pride aside and pursued her like this guy did... .

Please give me your thoughts.

Thanks,

Edward1981

[Edward1981]

Hi All,

I have been no contact with my ex for just over 2 months. I think she is back with her Narcissist ex boyfriend and he pretty much defines her. They were together for about 4 years, we were together for about 7-8 months long distance.

They say that BPD girls are drawn to Narcissist men. Even though this should not be any of my concern, do you think their relationship will work out? Being completely honest, I want it to fail so that she hits rock bottom and wakes the hell up. Also I will find it devastating if she goes back to the guy she had originally left for me and it now works. Maybe this time their relationship will have a different dynamic, that thought scares me, even though she had repeatedly assured me she would never go back to him.

She used to tell me how it was very turbulent, yet she never fully let go of him when she was with me. There was some sort of addiction there on both sides. If this guy defines her existence, how does she ever fully let go? Jumps to another narcissist who defines her?

This guy was persistently pursuing her throughout the time she was with me. He never gave up. Sometimes I say to myself perhaps I should have put my pride aside and pursued her like this guy did... .

Please give me your thoughts.

Thanks,

Edward1981

[married21years]

she will destroy him

borderlines beat narcissists 

[StayStrongNow]

My stbxBPDmil has been married to her NPD husband for about 14 years or so. What I have seen and heard they have some strange rituals and they seem to be close then far apart and seem to be orbiting around a lot. The mil told me she thinks he is an a$&h&$ and has threatened him with divorce so all in all it is a r/s that is based on self need as opposed to sharing. Lots of literature out there about this bizarre r/s.

Frankly I am glad I learned what I did, I consider myself free now of that feeling "I love and miss you darling even though I know you are BPD." AS IF!

I don't want to discount your feelings for her, even your seemingly wanting revenge does indicate you still care. Letting go is and was so hard for me. I took so much, I guess I just finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired of it all.

Let go, just work on that. And if you want to watch the show go ahead. Why waste your time watching 2 strange people doing a strange dance of life?

[Dutched]

“They say that BPD girls are drawn to NPD men”  ?

Many on this board describe themselves as being co-dependent, rather that Narcissist.
In my understanding a co-dependant is more passive, has a passive role lacking boundaries in order to keep peace, subsequently fixing the faults and taking over responsibilities of what the BPD partner can’t.
Correct me if I am wrong.

Narcissists do what ever they must to get attention to prove themselves that they exist and are important.
They speak and act in a way of grandiosity with no compassion if any hurt is done.
They dispose people as objects who are useless to feed that ego
Correct me if I am wrong.

Somewhere it was written that pwBPD choose people that are consistent and are forgiving to deflect their own inconsistency and compulsive behaviour.
How many times members on this board forgave them that behaviour…?  
How many times members on this board clinged to the words that were said…?
How many times members on this board longed for and wished to be still together…?

I really, really understand your search for answers, your search to rationalise the irrational behaviour.
The attachment felt good, was intense, was your soulmate.
The attachment however was in the mirror… you saw you…
A woman who adapted your values, your interest, your view of the world, your appearances…

Seen it, been there… Shortly after her real, really real values and appearances (way she dressed, behaved ans spoke) were shown.  Ending up in even for that ‘exposed real self’…, a total affair down, just to sooth their inner pain in that never ending rollercoaster.

One can’t rationalise, one can only explain, as human behaviour can’t be rationalised.

Must say, Married21years,
I think pwBPD beat any one in the end, till no one is left to beat... .
Still... .with no one to beat, it must be someone elses fault... .

[Edward1981]

My question is do you think their relationship will last even though she left the dude for me?

[once removed]

hi Edward1981,

i remember the fears youre describing very well. i was full of regrets and what ifs.

having been in a couple of relationships before that involved a partner who had not entirely let go of a previous partner, i can tell you it usually doesnt end well.

This guy was persistently pursuing her throughout the time she was with me. He never gave up. Sometimes I say to myself perhaps I should have put my pride aside and pursued her like this guy did... .

i would pose a different question: is this really a dynamic that youre comfortable with; a partner engaging with and being actively pursued by an ex? would a more aggressive pursuit on your end really have stabilized the situation?

having asked that, i would encourage you to focus not on how she might be in another relationship (not something one can predict), but how she was in yours. were you happy? was it healthy?

[Edward1981]

thanks once removed. It was not a happy one for me, which is why it ended the way it did.

but for some reason i am obsessed with their relationship right now. Do you think that theirs will work out? I feel like I was used for the sake of their relationship to improve... .

[once removed]

there is really no way for any of us to predict what will occur in their relationship. you know them and are in a better position to judge that than we are. i can tell you my exes next relationship lasted longer than mine... .from what i gather it was nothing id have wanted to touch with a ten foot pole.

I feel like I was used for the sake of their relationship to improve... .

can you elaborate on this? how so?

[Edward1981]

as in their break up, and then I came along, and now they are back together. As in it made their relationship stronger... .

I know that their 4 year relationship was very turbulent, am assuming the past repeats itself unless they address the root cause? Their relationship is not just automatically going to work is it?

[once removed]

as in their break up, and then I came along, and now they are back together. As in it made their relationship stronger... .

i mean fill in the gaps here. the fact that you dated her and then she got back with him doesnt equate to being used for the sake of their relationship.

you said he actively pursued her while you with her. what was this dynamic like? how did he pursue her, how did it make you feel, how did you respond, how did she?

[Edward1981]

I am not saying she used me consciously, but maybe the fact that they had a crisis in their relationship will bring them closer, and I was the guy in the middle is what I meant.

Whilst we were dating for 8 months, she never told him that she was seeing someone, and so he kept actively pursuing by calling, sending messages, trying to meet up with her, etc. It obviously infuriated me, and i expressed that. She said "She felt bad for him and it was a 4 year relationship". She didn't feel bad, all she was doing was keeping him on the back burner evidently. I kept asking her "How would you feel if you were in my shoes", she kept saying "its different, this was 4 years". She could not empathise with me for the life of her.

This guy is a true narcissist. He constantly posts pics of himself on instagram, and is basically some type of brother/father figure for the father she never had. Am just curious whether their relationship will work out. I would be gutted if it does.

[GoingBack2OC]

Edward,

Sounds like a very tough situation. I can say that my perspective here comes from that of "her ex". I was in a 5.5 year relationship, with my uBPDexgf, and I only recently became aware she has been seeing another guy for around 4 months, while we have been in a cool off phase.

She broke things off around Christmas. It was sudden, and after the break, about 2 weeks, I pursued her by reaching out, and thus a 6 month continuation of relationship began, which was-- needless to say, hell.

She conducted herself during the last 6 months as "busy" all the time, so there was a lot of both physical and emotional distance. A lot of push pull. From both sides.

I found out last month, she had been seeing someone new since the spring. He is now aware of this as well-- he had no idea we were still "quasi-together".

So it's rough for me, because I was trying to make things work. I was told by her she hadnt been with / was not dating anyone else. I do feel cheated on for sure. I mean, she was not honest, and I wouldnt have consented had I known.

Since all parties became aware... .I have not heard a word from her. Total cut off / silent treatment. I have given up. Even though I stuggle with missing her, the idea of what could have been, she was dishonest with me, in the worst way.

She was also dishonest with him. He had no idea. I am sure now after 3-4 months of dating this girl, he had started to have real feelings. Now that he knows, I wonder sometimes-- are they still together? It hasnt been that long since he found out.

I know that if I was dating someone for 4 months, by that point, we likely would have reached the "are we exclusive/what are we" stage. In terms of, it's decision time. I think when dating, me being monogamous by nature, after I start sleeping with someone, I only sleep with them, and expect the same. Basically, if we're having sex we aren't having sex with other people. If a person is having sex with someone else, I see them as not available.

With that said:  I think you are in for a tough battle, and are likely to get hurt. I say that because; even though what you guys shared was I'm sure special- her ex, like me, has a very unique long term bond with her, as I do mine.

I am confident, not being cocky here, that if I were to pursue her, which I wont-- but if I were to, she would eventually break/consent and the turmoil would continue.

BUT, I would also be continue to be lied to. And I'd be lying to myself. i know without a doubt she would continue to see him, or other people, and keep it secret. And she'd keep it a secret from him / other people she's seeing as well.

A big indicator for me towards the end:  Am I still involved with your friends/life. The answer, no. I was sort of a dirty little secret of hers. So social gatherings, meet ups, I was not on her invite list. I doubt before this became known, anyone even her friends knew she was still seeing me. A big cloud of lies and cover-ups.

But back to you, I would definitely give thought to that-- how do you feel moving forward with a person who is still not over her ex?

It's hard for both the ex, and you. Neither are bad people, both were in the dark, connected by a person who wasn't being truthful about their life.

Give a lot of thought to the idea that, her ex, if he want's her, he will likely get her, and she is not going to tell you.

I now see, how I ignored so many red flags in the beginning of our relationship. I think looking back, there was likely overlap between me and her ex before we started dating. Things I ignored, things which are far to long ago to really worry about now. But looking back, I think its likely she, just like you, and me then at that time, was the "new attraction", and was definitely keeping options open.

It bothers me a lot that she seems to literally jump from one long term relationship into another. But I realize it's deeper than that. There is overlap. A large overlap. It's hurtful. While I was still emotionally invested, monogamous, she was planting new seeds, and then bam- I'm dumped, heartbroken, hurt, and she is already in a somewhat stable new relationship- no hurt, no loss of "having someone".

I think a lot about, wow, I wonder if this new guy is actually ok with this? He's like me 5 years ago. Will he ignore the red flags, and continue on like I did, and be where I am years from now?

BPDs in general, lie. Like crazy. Big lies, stories, made up fictional lives practically.

I would tread cautiously. I wish I had been more careful, and not ignored what I sensed so many years ago.

[GoingBack2OC]

I would also add, in regards to you wondering if their relationship would work out, that if she is BPD, it's not a question for her to answer.

She will likely not let him go. You said he pursued her for 8 months. I would not be surprised if she led him on. Telling you, she feels bad for him, all the while, telling him nothing.

BPDs fear abandonment (well I think everyone does who wants to be abandoned), but that said; she will keep her options open. My ex always maintained some sort of contact with her exes "when possible". The ex before me, she would say he would email her sometimes-- why did she even tell me this? To make me jealous?

But she likely kept him at bay... .In case we didnt work out, and she didnt have a next lined up, she could go back to him.

It's as if they will, regardless of how it might really hurt other people, keep their options open. At all costs.

[Edward1981]

Thanks for your response GoingBack20C. Am sorry to hear about your struggles. I empathise. Mine was difficult enough for an 8 month relationship, I can't even imagine what a 5 year relationship ending looks like... .

The guy she dated before me is a pure narcissist and has also had a tragic upbringing where he practically has no family so she is his life. He is a good looking guy and a few years older than her. Me and her are the same age. Am sure he knows that she left him for someone else, but maybe is in denial about it because it is too painful. Am just wondering if they reunite, will there not be resentment and anger there? How could they just go on as if nothing happened. I mean at the beginning there might be a high but after a few weeks wouldn't the anger and resentment come out?

[GoingBack2OC]

Yes. There is already resentment and anger-- I assume at least.

He's still pursuing her, after 8 months. People don't go on that long unless they are given "intermittent reinforcement".

A big thing for BPDs. Are you 100% sure your ex was not, during your 8 month relationship, not at some level, seeing him as well?

BPDs use intermittent reinforcement as a defense tactic, if she feeds him what he wants, even as little as once a month, a hook up, etc, he will continue on believing there is a chance.

Never assume you really know what's going on. I also would try to remember, that likely whatever you know, or think you know, is not 100% the truth. She will paint him black to you, tell you all the things she hates, and at the same time, go to him, and say she is lonely but needs time to think, just needing space.

Is your girl/ex... .is/was she open about your relationship? In terms of if photos were tagged on FB, being with her friends, her family, that's a big tell all. Are you "in a relationship" status to the other people she knows.

[GoingBack2OC]

Also, from what I have read, if he is a NPD/Narc- he is no match for her in terms of a fair fight. She owns him, and will eat him alive.

NPD/BPDs relationships are common. BPDs win.

[Edward1981]

I am not ruling out that they weren't seeing each other behind my back, all is possible at this point. Also I can very much see her telling him "I need space" whilst painting him black to me.

My gf was open about our relationship to her family, whom I partly met, plus some of her friends. So it was not totally under wraps. I am sure he must have heard that she is seeing someone. Yet he still continuously chased her. I guess as a NPD he would not take no for an answer.

When you say an NPD is no match for a BPD, who is a fair match to them?
Clearly she is now going to be the one very much in control of the relationship. The guy will be continuously walking on eggshells because he knows she could step out in a whim. I guess the way I have painted their relationship in my head is that they will not live happily ever after. Clearly an illusion. Their 4 years of heated arguments I don't think will disappear overnight, unless her leaving him wil change the dynamic in the relationship as it triggered deep stuff for the both of them?

[GoingBack2OC]

When you say an NPD is no match for a BPD, who is a fair match to them?
Clearly she is now going to be the one very much in control of the relationship.

Well, I think it's fair to say she was always in control. BPD - NPD relationships are first; common. They are attracted to one another. I personally have elevated narcicissm, but not to the degree of NPD. I work in film production, and I think a lot of people in the arts have narc traits. It's not a bad thing.

Specifically, I do genuinely care for other people. I also feel for other people. I like helping people. But I have my selfish side. As an artist I do have feelings of wanting to be admired for my work, noticed, etc. If my work is dismissed, or judged in a bad light, I take it personally.

So why is an NPD no match for a BPD?  Because the NPD instinctively wants attention, to be idealized, which - he will be, during stage 1 of the relationship. This is why it's common to see BPDs and NPDs together, because the NPD is a perfect victim. He needs and wants exactly what the BPD is programmed to offer during the first phase. It's like gravity.

But after that wonderful honeymoon phase, and BPD stops putting him up on a pedestal, NPD is not going to be happy. BPD will dish out silent treatment, NPDs feeling important by nature, this is highly scarring. The BPD feels no remorse when they give silent treatment, or call the NPD names, the NPD is hurt very deeply by this.

The NPD simply cannot defend himself. Because what can the NPD do? Leave? No. The BPD will leave first. Always. Because the NPD is seeking validation, to be worthy, and BPD is already abandoned. Gone. He wont get it.

So in regards to your situation; this girl, she is in control, of both of you. She can have him at the snap of her fingers, or you, right? I mean be honest. Who is in the drivers seat.

My BPD ex was nearly always in control. My last 2 relationships, which were much more healthy, fun, good times, did not have these issues. But they did validate me in a lot of ways, and I was giving to them. Narcs a lot of time - they are giving. Because they want to be appreciated in return. For instance, I enjoy giving gifts, and kind gestures, perhaps a bit out of wanting to be appreciated. But regardless, my last relationships were much better.

Who is a match for a BPD? There is no match. BPD relationships run their coarse. They will convince their partners it's a match made in heaven, only to gain control and own them. My BPD left me... .and yea, I'm heartbroken. Why did she leave me? I'll tell you why. Because I didn't let her have it her way, and because I expected a fair amount of return, in terms of equality, of time, etc, putting effort into the relationship.

My BPD ex LOVED me to death when I was showering her during the first year, with gifts, surprises, etc. But it wasnt really reciprocated, some, but I'd say 85/15%  So, I pulled back. And when I did stop, or slowed that down. Things really changed.

I mean, I'd be lying to you if I said I don't miss my ex. I'm really conflicted about it. Its extremely hard. 5.5 years, I find out she's been with him and me for months, and I never, not once, hear from her again. She just "poof" was gone.

I may say in some posts I'm moving on, I'm done, but it's a process. I still miss her, as you do yours. Unless I'm presented with the option to reunite, I really don't know.

My only choice, as is the same with you, is try not to text / email them. NC, which for me is very hard. And to get on with life. Which I'm trying to do.

I know it's possible. I've had other love relationships. Love will find you. So focus on that for now, because our BPD lovers, they control us, it's totally up to them.

Given enough time, my BPD ex very well may come back, but it might be too late. Either I've shut down, in terms of feelings, from being hurt, deeply, and feeling hurt for so long, which is a natural response over time, to shut down that way, or perhaps I meet someone new, that I really like. Also a possibility.

There's no crystal ball.

[GoingBack2OC]

I'll add, that my ex BPD gf, her replacement for me, is a major downgrade. My ex is very attractive, a beautiful girl. Truly.

And the guy she has met, honestly, hes, honestly, well very under-average, and doesnt really even seem to be all that successful. So he is a PERFECT victim for her. She is hot, and she idealizes him. He's never in all his life had that from such a girl.

He will ignor the fact that she was with him for 3 months, and still sleeping with me, he will ignore all those red flags. Because he's never had anything like this. And he will worship her. Do anything for her. Take her on trips, buy gifts, etc. But soon, she will lose interest in him. I know that for a fact. Because for most people, that first high energy honeymoon phase will wear off, as it will for him, and then the problems start.

The only question:  :)oes she come back to me? And am I available? Emotionally, or in a Relationship? Or two, simply move on to someone new.

[Edward1981]

Thanks so much for your detailed response. It makes a lot of sense.

Now in this particular situation, she left this guy of 4 years for me. She then left me for another guy and now seems to be back with him. You talk about the honeymoon phase but in this case would they have a second honeymoon but perhaps a shorter one? How does that work?

[married21years]

why are you expending all your energy on this person?

this is the question you have to ask!

talk to you T and friends and get their advice

talk talk and talk some more

you are realize you are in a group of one that believes this is a good idea

get help we are all here for you

[GoingBack2OC]

As I mentioned previously, she is in control, and will keep her options open, and make sure she has safety nets in place.

My ex and I broke up for like 2 weeks one summer about 2 years ago.

In that two weeks, she was currently considering moving into a newer apartment building, her's was an old build.

Guess what, in those two weeks, that short window of time, that tiny tiny slice of time... .her Ex from before me, a guy who lives 3000 miles away across the US... .just happened to be in town for a conference. And he took her out and helped her look at places.

She "swears" nothing happened. In hindsight... .was he really here on conference? Or did she call him up and he flew out, a guy just like me pining for the girl we both loved.

My point, my ex currently has dumped me... .I found out after the fact that she was cheating. I have emailed her, I actually talked to the guy... .he's I believe equally upset.

And she hasnt even replied in 10 days.

I sent a text... .tell me to stop contacting you. If it's over, tell me.

Nothing.

She knows I'm heartbroken. Keeping me in the dark, hurt, lonely afraid, she knows that is a big plus for her. Because the sadder I am, the more lonely I am, the more control she has.

Right now, I cannot imagine that her and the new guy are "doing great".

I mean, I basically told the guy when he informed me when they started dating, and I realized the "overlap", dude, we have been sleeping with the same girl. I was concerned about health/STD issues. I dont know who he is. Does she even? We didnt use protection, shes on birth control.

So, in an upset state, kinda said some things, saying, dude this is not cool. I know he had NO clue. He was likely equally feeling What the heck.

So either 1.) She has convinced him that I am a crazy, monster NPD, that I suffer from childhood trauma (I dont), that I'm insane, etc. (Sound at all familiar here... .) or 2.) Hes said see ya. 3.) He's so elated he scored with her, (shes way out of his league), that he doesnt care but is still upset.

Truly I don't know, I don't know who he is, other than a few pictures on social platforms.

But my point is, 3 years into our relationship, she is able to meet her ex from before we dated. In a tiny slice of "crisis" time when I broke up with her. He just happened to be in town, from living 3000 miles away.

She wont tell me stop texting. She wont say goodbye. Why? She's lose her safety net with me. I wouldnt be surprised if she's now back in touch with the guy who was before me.

Who knows right?

They fear abandonment. If you feared abandonment... .wouldnt you stock up? Make sure you have a Plan A, B, and C, ready and waiting?

I'm waiting. Lol.

[GoingBack2OC]

why are you expending all your energy on this person?

talk to you T and friends and get their advice

Well your friends will say move on, you deserve better.

The Therapist will ask you questions, and get you to answer with the response "Yes I deserve Better".

But truthfully, easier said than done.

I believe this:  We are more in love with the idea of what we had built up and believed Would Have Been, than the actual day to day reality of life with them.

We are mourning the dreams and vision of a future which is now lost, and we now stand at a crossroads, with no map, not knowing where to go.

[anonymous1234]

I think a lot about, wow, I wonder if this new guy is actually ok with this? He's like me 5 years ago. Will he ignore the red flags, and continue on like I did, and be where I am years from now?

BPDs in general, lie. Like crazy. Big lies, stories, made up fictional lives practically.

I would tread cautiously. I wish I had been more careful, and not ignored what I sensed so many years ago.

Very recognizable. Chances are the new dude is an easier mark, mine is now with one of my former best friends, a dude that didn't see any woman until he was 30, then he picked up the ex (2 days after the r/s) of another friend and now is with my ex-gf. While there were some behavioral inconsistencies in the beginning of my r/s, which should have put me off, he stepped in with huge huge red flags (I've been stupid, but this defies belief, how can you be so gullible).

But out of despair and lack of character he accepts her lies and stories so he can be with this pretty girl. He didn't care for my feelings at all after 20+ years of friendship, he just sabotaged my r/s. Chances are he will accept her ___ for a long time being quite desperate for female attention because of his low self esteem.

Many on this board describe themselves as being co-dependent, rather that Narcissist.
In my understanding a co-dependant is more passive, has a passive role lacking boundaries in order to keep peace, subsequently fixing the faults and taking over responsibilities of what the BPD partner can’t.
Correct me if I am wrong.

Narcissists do what ever they must to get attention to prove themselves that they exist and are important.
They speak and act in a way of grandiosity with no compassion if any hurt is done.
They dispose people as objects who are useless to feed that ego
Correct me if I am wrong.

Honestly, this describes both me and him. It's just scary how much is the same in all the stories. I'm showing traits of codependency (especially lack of firm boundaries and compromising to avoid conflict).

My take on it: it will fail eventually. Just don't wait around and work on yourself. This isn't easy, I'm wondering a lot about her as well.

[Edward1981]

Guys back to my original question, she went back to the 4 year guy she had left for me. What happens in that instance? There is a second honeymoon period which is more short-lasting? Or she pretends like she only took time out and was with nobody else in that time, and he buys into it and they just carry on?

[married21years]

Guys back to my original question, she went back to the 4 year guy she had left for me. What happens in that instance? There is a second honeymoon period which is more short-lasting? Or she pretends like she only took time out and was with nobody else in that time, and he buys into it and they just carry on?

she is basically recycling, but who knows the future, depends on his and your responses.  she will go with the one that supports her and her version of reality.

and the bigger question is who cares?

she is a train wreck, some of like watching Jeremy Kyle or Jerry Springer (for our colonial cousins). and this is the only interest we have!

how do you move on and get strong is the question everyone hers wants answered 

[Edward1981]

She left a message last week on her Instagram which said " Don't you dare start missing me when I am done missing you". Now this was posted 2 months after no contact. Her ex nor the guy she left me for liked this picture. I am quite certain this was for me and perhaps she wanted a reaction out of me.

I have been spying on her ex'a Instagram, the 4 year guy before me and she is still liking his pictures.

When I saw that post, part of me wanted to reach out to her because I told myself "maybe she is hinting me that she misses me but is too scared of rejection so is not telling me outright, and is hanging out to the ex not to be alone". Part of me is saying perhaps I should have reached out after having read that message, maybe it was a sigh. But my gut is telling me if I do try to do it, it might feed her ego and I might not get my needs met regardless. She might give me the cold shoulder and this might just be a test to see if I am still emotional available.

The conflicting voice says perhaps I should have chased her more, showed her that I care more... .

Please give me your thoughts. I feel she has too much ego and pride to reach out and is perhaps to scared of rejection that is why she is sharing indirect hints. On the other hand she might be setting me up to hit me on the head harder because her ego can't believe that I simply walked away... .

Please advise.

[once removed]

i wouldnt read into this Edward1981. theres no way to know, and if she wants to communicate with you like an adult, she can. balls in her court.

[married21years]

is she someone worth perusing?

what would your advice to a friend be in this situation?

are you in denial of how abusive and bad the relationship was?

we have all been there 

[Edward1981]

Well technically there is a way to know, if I were to reach out but we all know what risks are involved... .

You say she is an adult, but she is actually a child in an adult's body, so maybe in her eyes she feels that if this guy really wanted me, he would have chased me.
She perhaps can't look at how her actions hurt me.