Have I been painted black?

[Oncebitten]

have I been painted black?   she tells me how much she hates me then turns around and tells me she loves me and is willing to give the r/s another try.  has yet to block me or cut me out of her life.  so am I back or not?

rages at me every day

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[married21years]

if you stop responding, the recycling will stop 

[Oncebitten]

is that what this is her recycling me?   just to fight with me?  or because she wants to get back together?  she knows that I want to give it another try.

[Fr4nz]

is that what this is her recycling me?   just to fight with me?  or because she wants to get back together?  she knows that I want to give it another try.

BPD is an attachment disorder, so for a pwBPD losing an attachment is like a trauma... .regardless that the attachment is dysfunctional.

That's why you are experiencing the (very common, among pwBPD) love/hate behaviour from her side.

[Oncebitten]

so is there any fixing this with her or is she just going to scream at me every day?

[Fr4nz]

so is there any fixing this with her or is she just going to scream at me every day?

Once you enter the devaluation stage, this kind of dynamics will go on until the end of the r/s, sadly.

Some communication tools/tips suggested in this website, such as SET, BIFF, etc., may greatly help to improve the r/s, so they are worth a try for sure; however, the consensus is that, without proper therapy and introspection, the person with BPD is not going to improve his/her life, thus making her life, AND your life!, an hell.

[Oncebitten]

I can say that it is slowly getting better... .and I am aware of the normal BPD behavior.   honestly would like to get back to that.  where we have good days and bad days and not just hours.

[swimjim]

have I been painted black?   she tells me how much she hates me then turns around and tells me she loves me and is willing to give the r/s another try.  has yet to block me or cut me out of her life.  so am I back or not?

rages at me every day

You are in the push / pull. Very close to being painted black.

[pjstock42]

I can't explain how beneficial this community was to me in terms of learning about the "painting to black" process in regards to my BPD ex gf.

I never had the devaluation period so I went straight from love bombing to the discard and never seeing her again an hour later.

After talking to people here about the process of painting to black, I engaged in an email back and forth with her in a fruitless attempt to gain some closure. At first she was sweet & loving which threw me off even more so I told her that this confused me. Then, she went straight to the painting to black process, wrote a huge email full of lies about me and basically made me out to be a horrible person. Had I not researched this process here, I know for sure that I would have responded by begging and pleading with her to show her that I wasn't the kind of person that she was making me out to be and that would have made things so much worse. Luckily, the knowledge that I picked up here led me to just telling her that I accept her views of me and I also used this to immediately instate NC. Long story short, I think the topic title is true. My ex tried to play the "we should be friends" and "let's meet up to talk" cards but I simply told her that I could never be friends with someone who thought such terrible things about me and that was that.

[Oncebitten]

the constant back and forth kills me.  i call her and she tells me that she doesn't want to talk and she ia going to bed then I get in trouble for not calling her again later.   how the hell can you do anything if you are damned if you do and damned if you dont

[Fr4nz]

the constant back and forth kills me.  i call her and she tells me that she doesn't want to talk and she ia going to bed then I get in trouble for not calling her again later.   how the hell can you do anything if you are damned if you do and damned if you dont

Hehe, it's the well known BPD thinking "I hate you, don't leave me"... .

[Oncebitten]

  I know it drives me and my extremely logical brain crazy at times.   she continues to blame me for all of the problems in our relationship and I am keeping her trapped in it because I haven't given up on the idea that our problems can be resolved.

if I am so awful why doesn't she leave me?

[bus boy]

HI Oncebitten, I read your posts on this topic. I and all of us on here know how your feeling. I can feel your pain, I relate so much to your posts, damned if you do, damned if you don't. So the answer is so clear, dont, don't respond, don't react, don't do anything. An alcoholic doesn't get sober by continuing to drink and we don't recover from NPD/BPD abuse by staying in contact with the NPD/BPD person. If eating apples made you deathly sick, you wouldn't eat apples. An NPD/BPD r/s makes us very mentally sick so keep it simple. No contact, no reaction.

[Oncebitten]

bus boy

the problem is I still want to be with her.  and every time she contacts me i feel like that means we have a chance... .she continues to engage me and tell me she loves me

but then she tells me she doesn't know how we ever move forward

[married21years]

  oncebitten

she wants you to take the pain away.

she wants to control the amount of love

and how she is allowed to treat you and how you respond

they dont want a partner they want a little b___ to do and beat as they want to use and discard to make themselves feel better

i am sorry but this is the reality, if that is an acceptable life go for it.

otherwise the best advice is take her

number wrap it in paper

put in a box

lock the box

throw away the key

wrap the box in chains

and throw the box in the ocean so deep that even Jacques Cousteau couldn't get it!

or go back to them

they use use to reduce their pain!

[bus boy]

Oncebitten, the last post by married21years says it all. I carried this on for 8 long years. Never being told I love you but being reeled back in just the same. She knew I wanted a family and she made sure in the cruelest way she was never going to give me that family. When the new right target came along, who was willing to join up in her flying monkey brigade I was split totally black. People who love and care about you don't do what npd/BPD people do. The NC is not easy but many of us on here did it, we are the proof in the pudding. It took me a long time to realize I don't deserve to be treated like that. When they meet someone new, it feels like the worse pain ever and it is but they do that to hurt you plus a newer fresher source came along, like a rabbit in a snail they are caught. But the npd/BPD will try to hold on by engaging you somehow, not bc they want you bc they still want your source, to dump there negative on. They want to see your pain, see you jump when they contact you. You can rob all of this from them and gain your life back by going NC

[Oncebitten]

the hardest part is she does tell me she loves me and we talk and then she will agree that we have a chance and we can fix the r/s.

but then some trigger comes along and she tells me how I am the worst man alive.  and I listen calmly and take her rage.  at some point it turns into how sad it is and how she brought this all on herself.   It's all her fault and shes the one to blame.  I cant help but swoop in and pick her up like a child with a scrapped knee and reassure her that she is loved and cared for.

then the cycle starts all over.  I know I betrayed her trust... .and I know that even in a normal relationship that it would be tough and any woman's emotions would be a roller coaster.  but I am still here still working to fix the damage I have done and it seems to count for nothing.  she gets so mad because I have no easy answers.

and here I am another sleepless night still loving her after everything she has said to me.  wondering why i cant just leave... .god i wish I didn't love her

[married21years]

she is not ready for a relationship

she is broken and best to fix herself whilst single, you supporting and helping her will do the exact opposite

we are their drug, they are addicted to us. but we also make them complete arsehole.

this is not our fault we are not defective. but we have to do the right thing for us and them!

we have rescued them all our live, this never worked really and caused them to see this a a satisfactory coping mechanism

it is time for them to go cold turkey! 

[Cipher13]

I read through this post and can definitely say I can completely understand exactly what kind of emotions you are going through Oncebitten.  Just my 2 cents but the advise here of NC is what is needed. I have yet to do this and struggle everyday. After being married for 14 almost 15 years now it has not improved. I finally understand what I am dealing with but your life is not worth the struggle in this relationship unless you know what you are doing.

I too am like bus boy I am still to this day not told I am loved. But there is holy hell to pay if I do not express loving feeling outwardly. And when I ask if I can get loving words and affection for everything I do and try to do I am just told that I am not doing anything to earn that love.  I wish I had known what kind of person I was marrying early in the relationship.  You have that knowledge and the 
has presented itself. Now what will you do with the information I so wished I had at your stage in the r/s. Stay strong.

[Oncebitten]

She still tells me she loves me... .and I know she does.  Her emotions are just such a wreck right now that she can't maintain a positive attitude for very long before the hurt and anger come back.  And when they do I take the full force of it.  Which is fine that what we tend to do to the ones we love the most... .they catch the best of us and the worse.

I know I am on the detaching board, hell I'm also over on the deciding board.  And I know NC is advised here.  And that may be what I have to do in the end.  But right now I am stuck.  So much of the hurt she is feeling right now is because I completely betrayed her trust.  And I love her and I feel its my responsibility to the woman I love to be there for her while she heals from the pain I inflicted. I just can't see where abandoning her does her any good.  I still love her and want to be with her.  I still want to repair the relationship.

Should I not try?
It may push her away from me completely in the end but how can I not try?  
I am trying to be there for her and give her space and the same time and hold my boundaries.

And despite all the anger and hate why does she keep saying that I need to let her go?  Is she incapable of leaving me or is this just some kind of f'ed up test of my loyalty?

[married21years]

does she love you or is she refusing to let go?

if you love someone you don't hurt or torture them!

her grasp on reality is tenuous, her reality is she loves you as that reduces the pain

they have no empathy, do you want to love something that has no empathy. you would be better of loving a piece of rock!

[anonymous1234]

Well, after I found out mine slept with one of my former best friends (he confronted her being with me at my parents), she almost was surprised I ended it shouting to me we didn't have a r/s and to him "you know how he is". Guess I was painted black then and there, as if it was my fault she cheated. If I didn't to that, she probably would have stuck around, creating more drama with that dude or about him.

The time will come that she has had enough of him and chances are she'll contact me by then. Guess we are just a fix up for them until we leave them.

[Oncebitten]

Married21

I believe that she loves me.  But why does she keep saying that I am keeping her trapped in this awful relationship?  We talk and I ask her to give us a chance and she says yes.  Im not keeping her anywhere.

Are you saying that I am torturing her?  By continuing to engage her.

[married21years]

Oncebitten. she is torturing and hurting you. 

she is using you to reduce her internal pain.

there is an inner pain in a pwBPD that must be protected.

reality is changed to protect and reduce this pain.

they take whatever we can supply with no regard for us. and reality is changed to stop any guilt or shame.

its how they survive, only when they reach rock bottom will they be forced to look at themselves and want to get better

just like we have done, reaching rock bottom is liberating and forces change 

[Oncebitten]

I dont think that she is... .she keeps bringing up her ex but honestly I dont think he is an option... .she only plays  that card when she wants to make me jealous.  If she thought she had a chance with him she would quit fighting with me and leave.

Well she keeps asking for space so I will give it to her.  If she comes back and is willing to work on the r/s great it will be with some new healthy boundaries... .if she doesnt come back... .well F her in that case.  I love her and want to work it out.  that has never been in question. If she doesn't want my (unconditional) love then she doesnt deserve it.

[married21years]

Well she keeps asking for space so I will give it to her.  If she comes back and is willing to work on the r/s great it will be with some new healthy boundaries... .if she doesnt come back... .well F her in that case.  I love her and want to work it out.  that has never been in question. If she doesn't want my (unconditional) love then she doesnt deserve it.

what makes you think she will respect your boundaries?

What makes you think she will be honest?

i did the exact same thing as you! 

you are asking her to do something that is really hard, easier to revert to old coping strategies.

a person will only change when they want to change!

you cannot force an alcoholic into rehab, they have to want to be there!

how many psychiatrists does it take to change a light-bulb?

one but the light-bulb has to want to change! 
 

[pjstock42]

Not trying to jinx myself here but I honestly believe that my BPD ex will never come back to contact me. She did initially try the "let's stay friends" thing but I shot that down instantly. Almost a month into NC and nothing & I think there's a few reasons behind it. She texts / talks on the phone to her sister incessantly every hour of every day, I have a feeling that this supplies her with all of the validation / attention that she needs. Secondly, I guarantee that she's already deeply into the infatuation / love-bombing phase with her next target so she probably barely even remembers that I exist.

I'm not complaining, any way to keep NC going as smoothly as possible with no temptations is fine by me.

[married21years]

  pjstock42  me too

i find it funny that after 21 years of marriage, she contacted an ex she had painted black.

and they communicated how much of a bad person i was.

all that time later she spun her lies and reeled the poor schmuck back in.   

i am free just the divorce to go!

[bunny4523]

Alright I know this is the wrong board... .but assuming I want to try this again... .how often does NC bring them back around to you?

Oncebitten,

No contact does not BRING THEM BACK TO YOU.  It protects you from the raging and mean lies so that it doesn't destroy your soul further.  It helps you find yourself again.

I understand you want her back, probably because you are still in the dysfunctional cycle.  You need to come to terms with the fact that the relationship is what it is.  The way it has been recently is the way it's going to stay.    If your ok with that, then wait it out.  She will probably try to get back with you just so she can find more things to hate about you so she can discard you again.  Everywhere I read talks about how BPD cannot have true intimacy... .as soon as they feel close, they flip and push you away.   

Have you read the articles on this site?  Very helpful, I really liked How a BPD realtionship evolves.

I hope one day instead of focusing on getting her to want you, you stop and ask yourself if you want her... .


Bunny

[Oncebitten]

Well i am not going NC with her anyway.  Just LC in the hope that with some time and space her emotions will regulate.

I understand that the honeymoon phase is over and it will never be that way again.  And honestly I am not looking to go back to that.  But I do feel that if we can get past this point where we are at the r/s can stabilize and be somewhat normal.  I know that there will always be issues due to the condition and I can accept that.  But I do love her and want to be with her and I know that she loves me as well.


I have read a ton on this site and others.  And it has been very helpful and has improved our r/s a lot.