Ex's friend is reaching out

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi---
    I haven't had contact with my ex for a year.  Recently his friend Tom contacted me to say he'll be visiting (he lives in another city).  THis is not a mutual friend---I only know Tom through my ex.  Tom will be staying at my ex's apartment, and Tom invited me to play tennis.  I am surprised, since tennis is a sport my ex and I play, and he is a tennnis pro... .
   I am not going to ask Tom if my ex is coming along, but it sounds like either triangulation or something?   There is a chance I will see my ex during Tom's visit... .
   I would love any insight or experience people have with this.  Why Tom is reaching out like this (when he's not my friend), and also, if I see my ex, I would not feel comfortable being civil or "neutral"---I wouldn't want my ex to think all is well between us (after he dumped me and left me  high and dry  out of the blue), yet I don't want to yell and cause a scene in front of Tom... .I am feeling nervous!

[shatra]

Hi---
    I haven't had contact with my ex for a year.  Recently his friend Tom contacted me to say he'll be visiting (he lives in another city).  THis is not a mutual friend---I only know Tom through my ex.  Tom will be staying at my ex's apartment, and Tom invited me to play tennis.  I am surprised, since tennis is a sport my ex and I play, and he is a tennnis pro... .
   I am not going to ask Tom if my ex is coming along, but it sounds like either triangulation or something?   There is a chance I will see my ex during Tom's visit... .
   I would love any insight or experience people have with this.  Why Tom is reaching out like this (when he's not my friend), and also, if I see my ex, I would not feel comfortable being civil or "neutral"---I wouldn't want my ex to think all is well between us (after he dumped me and left me  high and dry  out of the blue), yet I don't want to yell and cause a scene in front of Tom... .I am feeling nervous!

[married21years]

does tom want you?

its a thought?

[shatra]

Hi--
  Thank you---actually Tom is happily married, and we have met before---that isn't the factor here.  The fact that he will staying at my ex's apt with my ex makes it sound like my ex is involved at some level... .wondering if ex is pulling Tom into a triangulation... .
     I would not feel okay being casual, civil or "neutral" if I see my ex---I wouldn't want my ex to think all is well between us, yet I don't want to yell and cause a scene in front of Tom... .
   

[married21years]

maybe he has seen through your ex and wants to get him help, may want validation?

just spit-balling her only you can decide 

[mitchell16]

no way to know for sure unless you meet the person. But I would be very suspcious. with my exBPDgf this trick was used numerous times when I would go NC in the past and it usual resulted in a recycle.

When I went NC for the final and last time I got text message from several of her relatives some I only spoke to once. But all of a sudden they was texting to check on me or ask something, very strange. I ignored those as well. It was just her way of getting me to respond to something or anything which I didnt. But they are masters at munipulating some innocent bystander into contacting you.

I have been NC just about two years and awhile back I got a facebook friend request from a realtive of one of her friends. since I barley know this person and they have never asked to be my friend before, why now? I found it very strange but since I blocked the friend and my ex from facebook. I figure this was the only way to attempt contact also is was a safe way of checking to see if I was receptive to anything to do with her. and it might not mean anything at all but why take a chance is how I look at it. I need none of her craziness in my life at all.

[VitaminC]

THis is not a mutual friend---I only know Tom through my ex.  Tom will be staying at my ex's apartment, and Tom invited me to play tennis.

Why are you considering meeting up with a friend of your ex? Since he is not a friend of yours, there is no reason you could not just politely decline.

I am not going to ask Tom if my ex is coming along, but it sounds like either triangulation or something?   There is a chance I will see my ex during Tom's visit... .

If you do not want to see your ex, you do not have to explain your reasons to anyone. Even if you agree to meet the ex' friend, you are within your rights, and maintaining a healthy boundary, to say that you will be pleased to have a tennis game, but that you do not want to have any contact with your ex.

Why Tom is reaching out like this (when he's not my friend),

There is no way for anyone to speculate reasonably on what his reason may be to reach out to you.  You could simply ask him before you agree to meet up, or say "no thanks, I'm pretty busy that week" and leave it at that.

and also, if I see my ex, I would not feel comfortable being civil or "neutral"---I wouldn't want my ex to think all is well between us (after he dumped me and left me  high and dry  out of the blue), yet I don't want to yell and cause a scene in front of Tom... .I am feeling nervous!

If you are not ready to meet your ex, then do not meet him and do not put yourself into a situation that will make you uncomfortable or set you back in your recovery from this relationship.

Here's a lesson on Healthy Boundaries that helped me: https://bpdfamily.org/2010/12/do-you-have-healthy-boundaries.html

Don't complicate things for yourself, shatra.   Think about what is good for you, keep it simple, and just do that. You do not owe explanations to anyone.

How does that sound?  

[shatra]

Thanks for the feedback---what happened last week is that my ex's friend Tom called and emailed me to set up the tennis match---it was just Tom and I who played tennis... .then we went to dinner and he said my ex did not want to join us. 
         I accepted that, and then Tom told me my ex had told Tom not to even play in the match, and to delete me off Tom's email!  I am so hurt about this... .last time I spoke to my ex it was not a conflict.  I am so confused about why my ex would not want to allow Tom and I to be in contact.  In fact, TOm did not delete me... .and my ex has not blocked me either!

[shatra]

  So my ex told his friend  not to even play tennis with me, and to delete me off Tom's email!  I am so hurt about this... .last time I spoke to my ex it was not a conflict.  I am so confused about why my ex would not want to allow Tom and I to be in contact.  In fact, Tom did not delete me... .and my ex has not blocked me either!
    Any thoughts or insight would be appreciated... .

[Grey Kitty]

OK, Tom contacted you... .and Tom must have mentioned something about you to your ex.

Your ex told Tom not to contact you... .and Tom told you about this. You haven't heard anything directly from your ex about this.

Q1: Do you like playing tennis with Tom? If not very much, I'd probably skip the drama entirely.

Tom has to figure out how to handle having some kind of r/s with two people who had a fairly ugly split. This happens all the time, and how much a person can stay in healthy contact with both sides of a split often is limited.

Q2: Do you tolerate mind games? If Tom and your ex are in a conflict over whether he is in contact with you, and you are getting pulled into it, that sucks.

Q3: Do you care about your ex's opinion anymore? It sounds like you are LC/NC with him these days.

One last thought... .you spend some time wondering what Tom is up to with all this. Inferring that answer from the available information is difficult if not hopeless, at least for me. What about asking him more-or-less directly?

[shatra]

Greykitty wrote---
Q1: Do you like playing tennis with Tom? If not very much, I'd probably skip the drama entirely.

-----We already played the tennis match. Tom told me my ex had told Tom not to see me, and to delete me off Tom's email!    I am so confused about why my ex would not want to allow Tom and I to be in contact.  In fact, Tom did not delete me... .and my ex has not blocked me either!

Q2: Do you tolerate mind games? If Tom and your ex are in a conflict over whether he is in contact with you, and you are getting pulled into it, that sucks.
---Tom has stayed in contact with me which seems to threaten and upset my ex

Q3: Do you care about your ex's opinion anymore? It sounds like you are LC/NC with him these days.

----Yes I am shocked and confused about him not even wanting Tom to have contact with me

[Grey Kitty]

Looks like Tom was pulling your ex into things when he is connecting with you.

Is any future playing tennis or communications with Tom valuable enough to you to be worth the risk that he will do this again?

[shatra]

Well I can detach a bit from Tom... .I am concerned though about my ex's reaction---telling Tom not to meet me and telling him to delete me from his email doesn't make sense... .how does that affect my ex (who by the way has not blocked me, neither has Tom)