One year later

[Depression = 72% of members]

        The end of July was a year ago my exgf called me and dumped me. It was one of the worst times of my life. I didn't know how I would move and sank into a depression. I found out about BPD about a month later. My ex had many BPD qualities. It explained a lot but didn't make it any better. Anyway it was a long hard road. I went to therapy and went complete no contact .
          I started to date just to keep my mind off of everything. It wasn't the right thing to do but it served its purpose at the time. In February I met someone through a co-worker. It went slow at first as I wasnt sure I wanted to get close to someone. I was very scared. I wasn't even sure I was capable of being in another relationship. Anyway fast forward to now and I'm in an awesome relationship. No more rages or walking on egg shells. Silent treatment is a distant memory . It's not to say I don't think about it , because I do. I'm sure I'll never completely be over that relationship. It left a huge scar. My ex still contacts me from time to time. The last time was about a month ago.
           I'm a police officer. When the 5 cops got killed in Dallas she texted me to be careful. I responded saying thank you ,but why would you even care ? She said she still cares for me in her "special" way and didn't understand why we couldn't be friends. We exchanged a few texts and she was really pressing the friend thing. She told me friends are more reliable but she doesn't have expectations from a friend . She wasn't making sense . She added she expected too much from the relationship. Anyway I wished her well and told her I was moving on. I blocked her and havent heard from her since. It was a difficult road but I'm in a good place now. Just goes to show they never completely leave you alone.

[Bigmd]

        The end of July was a year ago my exgf called me and dumped me. It was one of the worst times of my life. I didn't know how I would move and sank into a depression. I found out about BPD about a month later. My ex had many BPD qualities. It explained a lot but didn't make it any better. Anyway it was a long hard road. I went to therapy and went complete no contact .
          I started to date just to keep my mind off of everything. It wasn't the right thing to do but it served its purpose at the time. In February I met someone through a co-worker. It went slow at first as I wasnt sure I wanted to get close to someone. I was very scared. I wasn't even sure I was capable of being in another relationship. Anyway fast forward to now and I'm in an awesome relationship. No more rages or walking on egg shells. Silent treatment is a distant memory . It's not to say I don't think about it , because I do. I'm sure I'll never completely be over that relationship. It left a huge scar. My ex still contacts me from time to time. The last time was about a month ago.
           I'm a police officer. When the 5 cops got killed in Dallas she texted me to be careful. I responded saying thank you ,but why would you even care ? She said she still cares for me in her "special" way and didn't understand why we couldn't be friends. We exchanged a few texts and she was really pressing the friend thing. She told me friends are more reliable but she doesn't have expectations from a friend . She wasn't making sense . She added she expected too much from the relationship. Anyway I wished her well and told her I was moving on. I blocked her and havent heard from her since. It was a difficult road but I'm in a good place now. Just goes to show they never completely leave you alone.

[Moselle]

Bigmd. Thanks for sharing your story. It's great to see that you are in such a good place one year later.

 

[gotbushels]

This was really an enjoyable read Bigmd. 

My breakups with my ex was also one of the worst times of my life. It was really tough for me too. I'm glad to see that you have managed to make it work for you. I'm even happier to see that you are enjoying it much more without the rages or the walking on eggshells. Your decision to move on makes a lot of sense to me.

Thank you for sharing.   

[heartandwhole]

Well done, Bigmd! It's wonderful to hear that you are in a good relationship now. I know how hard a breakup with pwBPD can be. You fought to recover and now look at you—success and more love in your life. 

All the best to you, and thank you for sharing the good news. It is always appreciated.

heartandwhole

[Bigmd]

Hey guys just a quick update. My ex texted from a different number yesterday. She said she really needed to talk and wanted to call me. Reluctantly I said ok. It's been about a month since she last reached out and I blocked her number. She asked me if I still talk to a mutual female friend. I said I have a few times and asked why she wants to know. She didn't give a reason. I asked if she was ok, she replied yes but she says she is having a hard time communicating with people and doesn't really talk to anyone . I told her its the same way she treated me. She said its a lot worse now. I started to feel bad for her. We talked a bit more until she had to go back to work. After I hung up my head was spinning. I felt she was reaching out for help. I couldn't stop thinking about her.
       A little later she texts and says she's not the monster I think she is. I told her I never thought she was. Anyway later on she texted again to tell me the real reason she texted me. She heard from this mutual friend that I hate her. My ex said its been bothering her and she wanted to her it from me. I told her I don't hate her but hate the way things ended. She started to be her charming self again and we kinda had a normal conversation. Mind you I'm in a healthy relationship with a great girl and I don't even want to go down this road. But I can't help feeling bad for her. She basically told me she's not happy and has no friends. She doesn't know I'm with someone and I feel no need to tell her because I'm not sure if it may set her off. I don't need any drama . Anyway she texted me later on while I was working she thanked me for my concern about her. I told her I wish nothing but the best for her and her kids. She then told me she doesn't like me talking to the female friend but respects my decision . I replied by telling her that I understand but we aren't together anymore. She quickly said goodnight. I told her to take care of herself.
           What do you guys think? Still after a year I get knots in my stomach after talking to her and they are not the good ones. I woke up today anxious . I'm in a good place and don't want to get derailed by this woman. I'm not sure why I'm feeling bad for her after she treated me like crap.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Bigmd,

I can understand your anxiety. Sometimes we feel that we have completely moved on, because certain feelings aren't being triggered anymore; then something to do with our ex's  happens, and those residual emotions rear their heads.

It does't have to be a problem at all. They are just feelings. Little pockets of hurt that need some attention. Feel them and let them move, as they surely will. Try not to build a story around them—making them mean more than what they are.

Of course you feel compassion for someone you loved. Nothing wrong with that. She is not doing well and it isn't your responsibility to fix it, help her, or take away her pain—because you can't and never could.

How do you feel about future contact, Bigmd?

heartandwhole

[Bigmd]

After no contact by me today she texted again at 7pm asking if it's ok if we can text more often. This is definitely not possible. I'm in a relationship and further contact is not a good idea. I just need a way to tell her . We did talk while I was at work and I told her how much she hurt me. That felt good to get out. She said she understood and she is in no position to want anything from me . She also eluded to the fact that maybe the decision to break up was a rushed decision and maybe not the right one. My response was I tried to talk afterwards and days later, she wanted nothing to do with it. I'm gonna have to tell her today that us talking is not a good idea.

[heartandwhole]

I think that's the right decision, Bigmd, especially since you don't want that kind of connection with her right now.

There is nothing wrong with telling her that you don't want to communicate regularly for the moment. Put your needs first. 

heartandwhole

[Reforming]

Hi Bigmd,

It certainly sounds like she is trying to increase contact and I can understand why that feels alarming and upsetting. Many of us have pretty complicated and often contradictory feelings about our exes even after we've feel we moved on.

I think the key thing is that you have also considerable control and the freedom and maturity to make a choice even if it feels a little uncomfortable.

You're now in a new relationship and it's appropriate and healthy to maintain NC with your ex.

Be wary of being made to feel responsible for her feelings.

Her needs and her feelings of abandonment and loneliness and her dysfunctional relationships with others are her responsibility - not yours . Even if you did choose to reengage with her you could not fix them or her. The only way she can get better is by working through her issues with a properly trained professional.

It's a tough situation but it sounds like you have the strength and maturity to work through it. Keep posting

Reforming

[Bigmd]

Thanks reforming. I know this may be the knight in shining armor phase going on. She did this many times while I was with her. She could be very charming. Towards the end of the conversation she went on how she is a strong person and single mom who's been through a lot. I also heard that a lot throughout our relationship. She told me she is glad I'm happy . I just hope she respects that . I don't need any drama. Already feel like I shouldn't be talking to her.

[almostmarried]

She texted me... .I texted her... .she told me... .I told her... .she said... .I said... .
You´re on your way for a big mental recycle.

[Reforming]

Hi Bigmd

Hope you're doing ok

Speaking from personal experience - the urge to rescue can be very compelling and over time it can also become a deeply ingrained response.

At the moment your ex is unaware  that you're in a new relationships. Why do you feel uncomfortable telling her that you've moved on?  Perhaps if she knows she may back off and it could help avoid any confusion on her part.

I know this may seem like a stupid question but why do you think you feel like you shouldn't be talking to her?

Reforming

[Bigmd]

Reforming I'm doing ok. I didn't hear from her yesterday. I did not attempt to contact. I shouldn't be talking to her because about two months ago she texted me before I blocked her. My gf saw the name on my phone and got upset. She has had issues with past bf cheating. I had to explain that I have nothing to do with my ex and she texted me out of nowhere. She told me if it happens again and I hide it , she will be done with me and my ex will Have a problem. I don't need any drama so I'm handling myself. I have a good thing going with my new gf. Another reason we shouldn't be talking is because the way I feel afterward. Brings back all the old hurt. Gives me knots in my stomach. I still have a little feeling that she needs my help. But than I think of what she did and how she treated me and want to say F her. She didn't give a crap about talking to me a year ago when she dumped me. When I tried to get a reason for breakup she chewed me out and talked to me like a piece of garbage. Needless to say I have a therapy appt in 10 mins. I'm ok just need to talk it out.
I don't want to tell her of new gf because I think she is in bad place and she may overreact . Worst case maybe sabotage new relationship .

[pjstock42]

Bigmd,

Do you mind if I ask how long it took for you to be comfortable pursuing a monogamous relationship with another woman and if you had any difficulty pursuing this due to scars left by your BPD ex? I'm less than 2 months out and I stupidly rushed back onto the dating scene only a few weeks in and it wasn't a good idea. I obviously wasn't ready for this yet and spent all of my brain-power during conversations with women looking for red flags, probably a new defense mechanism put in place by my brain to prevent being hurt like this again. I know everyone's experience & timetable will differ but I'm just curious as to how you overcame this stuff.

[Bigmd]

Don't mind at all.took me about 7 months . I met my current gf in February . Even than I pushed her away because I was scared. But I did what u did . I went online dating and had sex with as many girls as I could until that got old. I met a few crazy ones. Sometimes I would drive home from dates and I would cry. It was a very difficult time for me and I still have scars.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Don't mind at all.took me about 7 months . I met my current gf in February . Even than I pushed her away because I was scared. But I did what u did . I went online dating and had sex with as many girls as I could until that got old. I met a few crazy ones. Sometimes I would drive home from dates and I would cry. It was a very difficult time for me and I still have scars.

Bigmd,

I've been reading your story and I am glad you are on your way to recovery. To be honest, I think you should block her completely. It is hard to do but I believe in your case it would be the way to go. It appears she is trying to recycle you and slowly bring you into her drama again. I've been there. Good luck to you.

[Bigmd]

Yea I agree. It's funny, when I was reading about BPD and found out about hovering and recycles I thought there was no way it would happen to me. Mainly because I thought we would never talk again.

[pjstock42]

Yea I agree. It's funny, when I was reading about BPD and found out about hovering and recycles I thought there was no way it would happen to me. Mainly because I thought we would never talk again.

This scared me because I'm ~1.5 months into NC that I instituted and I haven't heard a peep. In my head I know that I will never see her or talk to her again, did you feel the same for a while and then things changed?

[Bigmd]

Yeah guys I was about 8 months or so nc. I was happy and started seeing my current gf. Then out of nowhere she texted me one night, " How are you ?"
Took my breath away. I determined last August after she chewed me out when I tried to get explanation that I would never chase her or contact her. I did my part and believe I still wouldn't have contacted her. I was painted blacker than black. It was like a complete different person.

[pjstock42]

That's crazy, I hope I don't face that same fate... .I was painted black to a ridiculous extent as well. I still don't think she will ever contact me because why would she want to be in touch with someone who is a "misogynist" that is "too superficial" and "sexually degraded" her? It was funny because after saying all of these things to me, she asked that we stay friends, to which I responded with a resounding NO.

I'm glad that you've found someone else, I can't imagine how nice it must feel to have a normal relationship after going through this.

[Bigmd]

Yup I heard the same. Called me selfish and immature. Said I wanted too much sex and I should find someone younger than her . Was definately a journey for sure.

[Reforming]

Hi Bigmd

Thanks for sharing this with us. It's really helpful

I shouldn't be talking to her because about two months ago she texted me before I blocked her. My gf saw the name on my phone and got upset. She has had issues with past bf cheating. I had to explain that I have nothing to do with my ex and she texted me out of nowhere. She told me if it happens again and I hide it , she will be done with me.

Do you think your girlfriend's feelings are understandable. She seems to have been very honest and communicated what is clearly a very important boundary for her.

Another reason we shouldn't be talking is because the way I feel afterward. Brings back all the old hurt. Gives me knots in my stomach. I still have a little feeling that she needs my help. But than I think of what she did and how she treated me and want to say F her. She didn't give a crap about talking to me a year ago when she dumped me. When I tried to get a reason for breakup she chewed me out and talked to me like a piece of garbage.

I can relate to this. A lot of us experience very conflicted and confusing feelings from contact with our exes. A year after my relationship ended my ex texted me saying that no matter what she said or did I will always be one of the most important people in her life.

I was incredibly upset and I felt a very strong urge to reconnect.  

I was lucky enough to have found this site and I was seeing a T. Her text actually popped up at the end of counselling session. It was a struggle but I chose not to respond

In hindsight I think my exes relationship with my replacement was probably going through a bad patch and she was reaching out for comfort. Reconnecting would have been a mistake and would have derailed my healing

I don't want to tell her of new gf because I think she is in bad place and she may overreact . Worst case maybe sabotage new relationship .

Do you mind if we explore your thinking here?

Your exes feelings and situation are her responsibility - not yours. Were you able to fix her and make her happy in the years you spent with her?

How can your ex sabotage your current relationship? It seems much more likely that continued contact with your ex - who is currently unaware that you're seeing someone - could very definitely sabotage your current relationship.

How would you feel if your current relationship ended? Do you think that you might be able to work things out with your ex?

Reforming

[Bigmd]

If my gf broke up with me I would be very upset. As for my ex, there's no going back . It would be the same thing all over again. There's no fixing her.

[Reforming]

If my gf broke up with me I would be very upset.

From what you've said your current girlfriend sounds like a good person who has brought stability and trust into your life. She has also been open about her own vulnerabilities and that takes courage.

Being with her doesn't mean that your feelings for your ex will suddenly evaporate or that having feelings for your ex is wrong, especially after just a year but it might be worth exploring what drives them.

In my case there were a number of factors.

I was drawn to my exes vulnerability and rescuing made me feel strong and powerful.
I was drawn to drama and intensity - it filled a lot of space and fed into my rescuing tendencies.
The initial idealisation phase was pretty overwhelming - she made me feel very special for a while

These are just a couple but they were big ones for me. What about you?

As for my ex, there's no going back . It would be the same thing all over again. There's no fixing her.

I think you put your finger on the problem. Nobody can fix anyone else no matter how much we may want to. Speaking from personal experience it's a full time job trying to fix ourselves.

It's also fair to say that without a lot of effort and commitment from both parties most recycles end in tears.

[Bigmd]

My gf is awesome. There is no drama, no st, and no critism. We talk things out and don't fight. Sex is never an issue. It's the same with me, I like the drama and intensity. I like to be the rescuer and give help. I've talked to my therapist in depth. It's the same as when I was married and having an afffair. But not going back is a no brainer .The silent treatment was the worst and I won't endure that again. Even when I was with her I was alone . In typical fashion she heard stuff from me and she didn't like it. She has gone silent and its business as usual for me. Going on with my life and being happy.

[Reforming]

It sounds like you're working through stuff with your T and getting a handle on what's been going on which is great.

Seeing a T made a huge difference to me, but it took me a while for me to realise that a T can help me be more self aware but they can't do the heavy lifting for me.

I realised that I had destructive patterns of behaviour that I wanted to break. Working out the why I doing things wasn't a magic bullet but was a big step in the right direction.

Your ex can only contact you if you choose to allow it. You can tell her you've moved on and you're with someone else, you can tell her you don't want any contact and ultimately you can block her.

Whatever happens I hope things work out for you

We're always here if you need to talk things through

Reforming

[Bigmd]

I'm trying. I've been seeing a therapist for last 4 years or so. This time last year I was going 3x a week. Was such a difficult time I never pictured myself where I'm at now.

[Reforming]

Anyone who is willing to put in that degree of effort deserves a huge amount of respect.

At times I've found change frustratingly slow but it sounds like you have made a lot of positive progress in many areas.

NC, LC etc is a very personal choice.

When my relationship ended - we were together a long time - I made a decision to go NC for a number of reasons.

I found any contact with her painful and traumatic. It triggered me and left me feeling angry, anxious and sad.

She pursued my replacement without any remorse or concern for the pain and damage she had caused me and without any apparent regret for the end of our relationship.

I was acutely aware that she had inflicted a lot of harm and that she could do it again.

I realised that dynamics of our relationship and our personalities made me vulnerable to reengagement which would be very destructive.

I did not trust or respect her

I think on some level I will always be vulnerable.  We have a history - a mix of trauma and euphoria that can still feel dangerously seductive - its so easy to block out the bad stuff and remember the good.

As I said you deserve a huge amount of credit for work you've done and the work you're doing

All the best

Reforming

[Lexisdad]

Big MD,
I was a Police Officer for 29 years. Retired in December after my BPD ex gf who i worked with ended the relationship. I spent 6 years with her and it was no doubt the most horrific relationship ive ever been in. After the first 6 months, the red flags were all there and i ignored them. Everything occurred behind closed doors or thru texts or phone calls.

Ive seen pretty much everything i could think of in my career. This woman was no match for any of it. The rages, lies, dyllusional jeoulosy, splitting you name it she had it. Ive got an 11 year old daughter with severe brain damage. She was amazing to her but treated me like a complete savage. Ive never had anyone call me the names this woman called me or was ever subjected to any woman punching me in the face on any occasion never mind 3. She last went into a full blown rage on March 1st while my daughter was undergoing her 48th procedure. Told me " go f--k myself and im a selfish man" because i didnt tell her my daughter was having a procedure.

That was my breaking point. I didnt reply and said to myself who the f--k does this woman think she is to treat you like this and talk to you like a complete animal. She reached out in April by Text to see how my daughter and i were and i didnt reply. Ine week ago i get an email from her, she just returned from vacation in Anguilla. Saw a beutiful little girl who looked like my daughter and she thinks of her all the time. She s moved on but wants to be friends and "catch up"!  I ignored it.

After 6 years of trying everything i could to make this work i had to do it. She ripped my heart to pieces but i was left a shell of the man i once was. I miss her everyday but i onow i have to fight this. I will stay forever nc with this woman till i die. She knew what i have been thru with my daughter who suffered her injuries as an infant in an accident. Besides severe brain damage she s a quadrapalegic. Not once ounce of empathy. She was more concerned if i was sleeping with my remarried ex wife or any other woman she could imagine ehen in reality she was the one probally sleeping around.

Stay safe and stay strong brother! We got this!

[Moselle]

I was left a shell of the man i once was.

Lexisdad, I can empathise with your story, as I have experienced a number of these things too. Sorry to hear that it has had such a profound effect on you.

How has the journey gone since you were left a shell? Have you been able to find the adult you once were?

What are some things you can do to thrive now?