Intro Post

[stanis78]

Hi my marriage is not doing well. My wife, who I think has BPD, is threatening to end our marriage and take the children away from me. We have 2 kids, a 6-year old and a 3-year old. Our 6-year old is already showing signs of being affected because of our constant fights/arguments.

Why do I think my wife has BPD? She has terrible rage. Small things enrage her like when I don't open or close our bathroom door very quietly when she's asleep. She is also still very jealous of my past relationship 20 years ago whom I have not contact with anymore. She is also verbally abusive towards me and thinks very little of me and my capabilities. I feel the need to control what I do or say because of the fear of triggering negative comments from her and her anger.

Just tonight she vowed to end our relationship. She transfers the kids to another room (our kids sleep in our room) and sleeps with them. I fear losing my children. I need help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi stanis78,



I'm so sorry about the late reply, we had technical difficulties yesterday and we're back online. I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time. You're right, if we're not professionals we can't diagnose loved ones but we can look at BPD traits. I can relate with feeling like I didn't know where our r/s stood from one moment to the next moment, I felt knots in my stomach and stressed out. We had a lot of conflict in our marriage too in front of the kids. I felt terrible. I'll leave you a short video on conflict. Let me know what you think.

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

[ArleighBurke]

Welcome Stanis!

Living with a BPD partner is very difficult - but there are many people on this site who make it work.

I would suggest just breathing first - slow down. If your wife does have BPD then what she is doing is mostly a control tactic - which you can deal with.

The first step will be LISTENING to her - not problem solving. Read on this site about VALIDATION. It's hard to do initially - because if you're a problem solver like most men you will hear what she says and want to fix it. No! Step 1 is just listening. Asking questions. Clarifying. NOT DEBATING! If she says she feels unloved/trapped/suspicious - ask her about it - do NOT try to debate whether she "should" feel that or not. Accept that she DOES feel whatever she says. Empathise.

Validation will help to "bring her down" - will help her to be heard - and will help YOU to work out what is going on in her head.

Then post here and we can help you further.