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Author Topic: it's my birthday  (Read 433 times)
claryhunter

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« on: August 10, 2016, 01:15:26 AM »

I'm a newlywed, we got married a couple months ago. The more stress in life the worse he gets... We call it going"down" when he has a borderline episode, he has them on average of four times a month. I love him with everything I have but no one understands. I want to find ways to better help him and myself. Today is my birthday and he is very down...
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motherhen
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« Reply #1 on: August 10, 2016, 01:53:00 AM »

I'm not going to lie, when I read it's your birthday I cringed. I've been with my husband 25 years and married 19 years next month and I don't remember any good birthdays beyond our first few years. IME any day that might be about you is a great opportunity to remind you that it's always about them. It isn't so much that they mean to as that they perceive your day as a threat to them. Of course that isn't true, but studies do show that BPD perceive neutral things as a threat. And when the facts don't match the feelings, they rewrite the facts to match the feelings.

If he bombs this, please do something nice for yourself. A night out with friends, a spa day, whatever makes you happy even if it's not on your actual birthday.  He might be able to pull it off, but he also might not and make it worse so it's important to keep your cup filled.

A BPD spouse isn't going to be attentive to your needs most times. They are trying to keep their own head above water. Sometimes that means you are the life preserver and get shoved under until they learn better coping skills. Boundaries are great for this. I can only hold hubby up so much, so pointing towards help that can help him help himself is the best way to not get drowned.
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claryhunter

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« Reply #2 on: August 10, 2016, 02:47:55 AM »

Thank you for responding. It is amazing to know I'm not the only one. He recently came out of the hospital so I do understand he is very stressed, plus trying to find a new place to live. It's when he goes into "I'm over this" "I'm done" "I need to talk to someone but not you" " you don't care" "you are so damn annoying" "I want other women" of the literal pushing me away because he doesn't want me touching him are the things I have the hardest time digesting. I know it's not really about me more him but every time I hear it it cuts.
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Mutt
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« Reply #3 on: August 10, 2016, 11:07:39 AM »

Hi claryhunter,

Welcome

Excerpt
IME any day that might be about you is a great opportunity to remind you that it's always about them. It isn't so much that they mean to as that they perceive your day as a threat to them. Of course that isn't true, but studies do show that BPD perceive neutral things as a threat. And when the facts don't match the feelings, they rewrite the facts to match the feelings.

I'd like to welcome you. I relate with both of you my birthdays with my exuBPDw and they were very stressful to the point were I dreaded my birthdays because it was dramatic. You sound thoughtful  Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) claryhunter thinking about your parnter, I agree with  Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) motherhen that it's a lot of self care is important, what do you like do for self care?

PS Happy Birthday!
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anonymous_in_NV

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« Reply #4 on: August 10, 2016, 11:32:57 AM »

Sorry to intrude on this but I am new to BPD.  I suspect my stbx wife suppers from uBPD.  It is common for my birthdays or our kids's birthdays or any special day to be ruined by them?  In the beginning, she planned awesome things for my birthday.  It seems that somewhere along the way she would always find a way to ruin any special day.  This is normal?
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BowlOfPetunias
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« Reply #5 on: August 10, 2016, 03:13:38 PM »

Last year, my wife surprised me by taking me to the Renaissance Festival on my birthday.  The problem is that we had discussed the Renaissance festival several times over the years and I had repeatedly told her it was not the kind of thing I would enjoy.  She likes that sort of thing though--giving Marge the bowling ball.  I made the best of it and did not have a horrible time.  But I would rather have done something else.

 (I always put a lot of thought into presents and get her things that fit her personality.  Last holiday season, I did get her tickets to a show--but it was for a group that she liked more than I do.  I will get her things like books by authors she likes, jewelry in the cultural style she likes, clothes, etc.  It really hurt that she gave me a "present" I had repeatedly told her I would not find enjoyable.)

Earlier this year, she asked if I wanted to go to a concert without mentioning my birthday.  It is a musician whom I think is OK, but not someone I am really into.  I said OK.  It is about a week before my Birthday.  Then she started talking about it AS my birthday present.  I stayed calm and told her that I did not think that it should count as my birthday present.

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isilme
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« Reply #6 on: August 10, 2016, 04:08:07 PM »

Happy Birthday!

Birthdays are weird for people with BPD, I think.  Theirs or anyone else's.  Also, so is noticing time passing.  H was unpredictable with some really good birthdays for me and some really horrible ones.  I don't know if it's attention on them or someone else, feeling obligated to do something, feeling like they'll fail if they pick a bad gift so they don't even try, or picking a gift that's really what they want and being upset it's not what you want, forgetting it on purpose to make some sort of point... .

About 15 years ago, when I was working full time and H wasn't, he took off two years straight for spring break to go on a trip with friends (I had very little vacation saved up).  My birthday always falls on Spring Break.  So I was the bad guy for feeling upset that not only were many of our friends leaving town, but he did too, without so much as a "make up" dinner or party or recognition of any sort.  Other years he has been sweet and set up a surprise party for my 30th.  It's just hit or miss.  His own birthday depresses him and he always says he doesn't want to do anything, and then of course is upset if we don't do something he'd want to do.  Only in the past 6 or 7 years has he gotten better at birthdays and holidays in general.

And while we've been together 20 years, we also just got married, and while we've got fewer rages than we used to (I could have written a lot of your comments years back), he's still got 'em, and last night had a great one.  Sometimes, no matter how much you work at not making it worse, they still come.  The tools DO help, and trying to not take a lot of the comments to heart - they really aren't at YOU.  They are often at other people, his own anger at himself, and you just happen to be a target there to take them.  H cannot yell at the wind and get his feelings out (I can and it's what I usually do).  He needs to yell AT a PERSON.  It does not have to be the person he's mad at, so when the teapot boils over, I am the most convenient person present.  I try to take breaks, but often it's been happening when I am ill or late at night and leaving is not going to happen.  I slept on the couch last night. 
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adaw
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« Reply #7 on: August 15, 2016, 06:04:51 AM »

I'm sorry to hear birthdays is the worst time when living with BPD as the attention is not on them. I'm with mine for 2 years now and both my birthdays ended in tragedy.
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Icanteven
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« Reply #8 on: August 16, 2016, 08:48:38 AM »

giving Marge the bowling ball. 

I LOLed at this.  Been there.

My pwBPD ruined all sorts of Holidays and Birthdays.  It's life with someone who is emotionally dysregulated. 

It sounds like you're already aware that his behaviors are about him and not anything you are or aren't doing.  If you're going to stay in this relationship, and you're married so that you know what he likes and doesn't like, you're gonna have to take control around birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries, in addition to being prepared for the inevitable outbursts that go along with them.  They're called no-win situations for a reason... .
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an0ught
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« Reply #9 on: August 19, 2016, 12:13:07 PM »

Hi claryhunter,

I'm a newlywed, we got married a couple months ago. The more stress in life the worse he gets... We call it going"down" when he has a borderline episode, he has them on average of four times a month. I love him with everything I have but no one understands. I want to find ways to better help him and myself. Today is my birthday and he is very down...
there is sound advice from others here. Special days often means special expectations which then is causing distress and meltdown. The tools will help here to manage situations to the degree they are manageable. Sometimes they aren't and some cool off period is the best for all involved. You shared that you are newly married. Marriage tends to bring people closer together which in turn makes it harder to see and respect boundaries. In all this closeness attributing actions, consequences and emotions to the right individual becomes more difficult. Emotional regulation suffers. Both sides need to keep in mind that respect is critical for the medium and long term stability of the relationship. If respect goes loves will leave with it.

Your birthday is a reason for you to celebrate. If he has a grumpy day - that is ok - it is his day - he can change that if he likes - his problem. Some decoupling from his extreme emotions is vital for both to be able to cope.

Welcome,
a0
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Jessica84
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« Reply #10 on: August 19, 2016, 01:53:19 PM »

Birthdays and holidays are rough on my pwBPD.  My birthday happens to fall ON a holiday. Plus it gets cold and grey outside, and his depression gets worse. I'm lucky to get anything from him. The best gift he could give me, honestly, is a drama-free day! Every year I wish I could fast-forward thru Nov and Dec.

Hope you do something special for yourself today.

WISHING YOU A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!   
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