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Author Topic: What will the judge say?  (Read 495 times)
bus boy
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« on: August 11, 2016, 06:50:30 AM »

I know every judge is different. My ex has a history established with family court of being very unreasonable. She defiantly has her own agenda. If the order doesn't clearly 100% detail, 100% of everything, than it doesn't exist. Unless it's in black and white on the order, forget about any kind of compromise. So 2 things I'm asking about here.
-1, we have joint custody, she named someone else as the alternate contact for day camp. I can't see a judge going along with that.

-2, I am also going for legal costs. My lawyer said it has never been done to her knowledge. This is costing a fortune, taking up valuable time in the family court system and the only reason we are still going back to court is bc of her unreasonableness on everything.
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david
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« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2016, 02:29:43 PM »

1) You need to show that you are not doing the same and have always treated her with respect as far as being one of the parents. It would be up to ex to explain why she did what she did and show a good reason as to the why.

2) Going for legal costs is probably difficult to achieve but you can't get it if you don't ask. I would try to show a multitude of examples (evidence) showing how ex is unreasonable and unwilling to "co parent" and the only way you have been able to achieve anything is through court. In addition, I would have a detailed, spelled out order that clearly covers every issue you can think of and a solution to each issue.

I have found that whenever my ex complains about something in court and I present a solution that any reasonable person would agree with, I have always and I mean always gotten exactly what I asked for. Most of the time the judge makes a comment that he/she believes my solution is reasonable/ a good idea/ etc and then asks ex if she agrees or disagrees. My ex understands that she has to agree in those circumstances and does. I make sure she signs off ion court with the agreement so she doesn't have any time to change her mind. A few of those times she has changed her mind but I already have a court order in which both parents signed and agreed to in court. I view it as establishing a boundary and sticking to it. My attorney does most of the talking in court and I usually just say yes when the judge asks me if I agree.
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bus boy
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« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2016, 03:58:25 AM »

Thank you for your advice. The court has been notified by my lawyer that I am not going through with the settlement confrience review. There has been to many problems. We are going to trial. I have provided reasonable solutions for every situation only to have my ex reject my solutions. I want to show the court that she is an emotional abuser to s9, that she is always very unreasonable and if s9 was with me, I am more willing to share, be reasonable.
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david
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« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2016, 07:47:03 AM »

I have also noticed that when my ex is asked for her solution to an issue she has nothing of substance to offer. Once, the judge said he would not make a ruling at that time. He told both of us to write a solution down and hand it in. We had two weeks to do that. The judge said he would then make a decision a week after that. I spelled things out in detail and had 14 points. Ex rambled about how I am abusive, blah, blah, blah for three pages but never addressed any issues. The judge copied and pasted 13 of the 14 points and it became a big part of our custody order to this day. That was in 2010.
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bus boy
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« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2016, 08:19:33 AM »

I am going to use the advice I get on this board. It is a very unique case. The family court worked said they have never ran across this kind of a case. So I am going to arm my self with all the information I can. We have been to court many times. I have constantly showed my willingness, my changed way of thinking. She has been constant in not changing, in trying to limit contact, control and alianated as much as possible. I am moving forward, she is stuck.
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david
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« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2016, 10:39:07 AM »

Just remember, usually the only thing a judge will rule on is what is brought up in court and what is requested in court. Forgetting something only means you may have to go back. Make sure your attorney covers everything you think is important to cover. That is one of your jobs in court.
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highroadstepmom

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« Reply #6 on: August 25, 2016, 12:27:05 PM »

DH and I know that every activity signed up for mom will list her BFF as the secondary contact so we do the rounds of school and activities to make sure he is listed, as is his older daughter and often me (since I pick up and drop off kids too at school, etc.). We haven't gone to court about this particular issue - but it rankles every time.

If your custody agreement says that contempt may lead to fees being paid by the offender then you can ask for attorney fees when you file.

Yes, it's expensive.

My husband experienced similar things to you - showed up with a schedule of custodial days. No one else did so the judge adopted his. Showed up with a holiday schedule, judge modified slightly and adopted. Etc. I think the advice to make sure you're addressing the issues that need to be addressed are good.

I've been in this relationship 5 years and every additional detail we can get included, if it doesn't help the conflict, at least gives us something to fall back on.  Thinking of you. I relate to your posts because our family situation is similar. Good luck. Hang in there.
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NorthernGirl
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« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2016, 10:06:07 PM »

Yes, every judge is different. But if you present reasonable solutions and provide evidence - and your ex does the opposite - a judge may rule in your favour, and may provide some costs.

In DH's case, his ex brought a case to court with no evidence to support her claims. In fact most of her evidence hurt her own case. The judge appeared baffled and shocked by much of what DH's ex said. And she didn't seem to notice. I am sure she was surprised by the ruling - giving DH full guardianship of their special needs child SS20 - because she was convinced she was right. She said she knew SS20 better than anyone because she was The Mom. The judge also awarded costs - not much compared to the actual cost, but hopefully somewhat a deterrent.

DH's lawyer emphasized to him over and over - we want the judge to see you as the reasonable one. The lawyer was able to give many, many examples of how DH had done what was best for SS20. DH's ex gave examples of what she wanted for herself. She had a hard time providing examples of what she did with SS20, so the difference became obvious.

Best of luck. Even though the judge ruled in DH's favour, the hearing was a long, painful and expensive process I hope we never have to do again. My thoughts are with you. 

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bus boy
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« Reply #8 on: August 27, 2016, 05:35:20 AM »

Thanks NorthernGirl, I have a journal full of good evidence, we have 7 years of court telling her to shape up or she will loose custody. The judge also said she could be responsible for costs. Ex is in full swing mightier than ever mode, I'm hoping her arrogance will help me in court.
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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #9 on: August 29, 2016, 03:17:15 PM »

Your goal is to show that there has been no sincere cooperation on her part and she has shown no indication (pattern) it will ever change if it was left up to her.

Court may be inclined not to change the existing status without a convincing legal case.  She will present her claims as emotionally compelling, though there is no substance or facts to them.

The best solution is for her unilateral control and sense of entitlement to be weakened.  Try for the majority time and decision making or tie breaker status.  That is what is for the best.  You may not get it all, the judge may not think a reversal is merited at this time.  But this will show you the father are ready and need to be a very involved parent.  Use this time, if not allowed to win, then to establish a more solid parenting foundation and some limits to her chaos and wild claims.  It will at least be progress.
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bus boy
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« Reply #10 on: August 29, 2016, 04:46:32 PM »

Thanks Foreverdad. I will be taking all this advice to court and to my lawyer, she has never seen anything like this. My ex has been warned more than once by the judge. My ex is getting worse. On my last access pick up she was very verbally abusive and her bf was in the mix giving me the finger and shaking his fist at me. I fear now that it will come down to he said she said and her bf will be her witness that I'm making things up.
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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #11 on: August 29, 2016, 05:01:51 PM »

Do you have witnesses?  Have you recorded?  (Not waving a recorder around, you do not want to trigger incidents!)  I happen to live in a state that had no major restrictions to recording but still court generally tried to avoid dealing with recordings.  Besides the court's busy schedule and time constraints, the recordings could have been edited or staged to make it look bad for the other.  Even if court doesn't want to listen, often other professionals may appreciate confirmation of what really happened.  For some it helped to avoid getting arrested.

Technically there are laws in some states about two-party notification.  My understanding is that when first written, those laws were intended for professionals such as journalists, etc.  Whatever the history, there are so many devices today that can record, cameras, camcorders, phones, dictation recorders, even pen-cams.  So I don't think it's such a big issue as some fear.  I've been here about a decade and I could count on one hand reports of members getting in trouble and the consequences were minimal, they were told to stop.  (I think recording children is more sensitive in court than recording adults.)  Wherever I would have been, I would have chosen to record, documenting that it wasn't me misbehaving.  I'd like to think that 'insurance' helped me sleep at night too.
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david
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« Reply #12 on: August 29, 2016, 07:06:53 PM »

I live in a state that does not permit recording. I went to jail for two weeks because ex made false allegations against me. I purchased a video recorder and a separate small audio recorder when I got out. I have them with me anytime ex will be near me. The first time I went to pick the kids up at her place after getting out she came walking out to my vehicle. I turned the camera on and pointed it at her. She uturned and went back into her place. Same thing happened the second time. I have been in court numerous times since then and ex brought up the recording most of the times. I get yelled at by the judge and that is it. My attorney told me top stop recording because I could get in trouble. I thought about it and decided to simply point the camera at myself. There is nothing against recording yourself. It sounds stupid but I can show that to anyone ( police, court appointed whoever, and even a judge ) to show me doing nothing wrong. It is time and date coded. I told my attorney what I decided and he said to continue because that was arguable in court.
Perhaps a dash cam installed in your car would be sufficient. If you can bring a witness that would be great.
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