I looked the devil (BPD) in the eyes...and I won...

[drained1996]

This morning I did something I haven't done in a little while.  I looked in my spam to see if the exBPDgf had sent any emails and I got this sent 7/25:

"I don't need anybody playing matchmaker. Meeting men is not a department I need help in. And one of your buddies, who would probably be doing nothing more than reporting back to you anyways, doesn't appeal to me. You are right I do know you but you are not the person I knew. Your ugly treatment is expected at this point. Live your narcissistic life of arrogant denial, lies, double standards, and hypocrisy and I will continue to live my healthy life. Your not at all who I thought you were."

The beginning is complete fabrication and of course a jab to make me feel bad about her and other men, the end is her painting me black to cover own deep issues.  
I've looked her in the eyes only to hear things like this come out of her mouth directly countless times.
I'm now in a place that things like this simply validate that I've made the right choice in moving on, and I have feelings of empathy for her and her children as their hell marches on... .
The devil (BPD) has made me look inward in my journey into a place deep within me I did not know as well as I thought.  I thought I knew what love was in all types of relationships.  I thought my BPD loved me the way I needed... .I was wrong.
I thought several of my closest friends loved me the way I needed... .I was wrong.
I thought my family loved me the way I needed... .I was wrong.  
What might you ask allowed me to come to these revelations?  Me... .I took ME into account in all of the above, and almost in horror, I saw that in each of those particular relationships I did most if not all of the giving of love, understanding, empathy, effort... .etc.  And I got very little in return... .and a lot of what I got back... .well is stuff like the email above.  Of course it was less harsh than that with my friends and family, but the results were the same to me... .
I hit rock bottom with my pwBPD almost 2 years ago, and that's when I began my journey through therapy, and with this site.  I had no idea the revelations I was in store for, and how difficult but freeing this process could be.  I've learned more about who I am, and what I want.  And also what I need and deserve to have in life.  This will be a journey that I will continue for the rest of my life, as I never again want to be complacent in my relationships nor in the effort to always keep them alive, well, and most of all HEALTHY!  
I'm beginning to be happy now, I just wanted all here that are in doubt to know there is hope... .that hope lies within YOU... .and your journey should be about YOU!  
The devil will never stare into my eyes again... .because it cannot take the shame of it's own reflection... .

[StayStrongNow]

As I read her text I saw the projection clearly. stbxBPDw does this same type of projection. I also can relate to where your season is, the season of discovery of who she is.

Thanks for posting, sad but reassuring to me to see such similar projections being made upon us nons.

We can read them like a book now. We can almost predict their next move.

That's the great thing about being here at Borderline University, we are becoming so educated.

[gotbushels]

Thank you for the sharing drained1996. I understand the demonisation but I what I really liked was seeing how your thoughts developed from that message into health, hope, happiness, and the journey.   

[drained1996]

Thanks bushels... .I felt like sharing today, and it feels good to be in the process of becoming happy again.  This journey is and forever will be a part of who I am and how I got to be the person I am now.  The best part is, I know I'll continue to grow and be aware for the rest of my life... .a blessing from my experience with BPD. 

[woundedPhoenix]

It reads like someone is trying to rationalize feelings they don't wish to have, and throw a good bunch of projection on top.

Freaky that they can describes themselves so perfectly, only, they think it's you they are talking about... .

[drained1996]

"Freaky that they can describes themselves so perfectly, only, they think it's you they are talking about... ."

It's very freaky, especially since there is absolutely nothing I have done that would allow anyone to draw that conclusion on me as a person... .none other than a pwBPD that is... .

Sad fact that BPD's are self loathing people.  "I hate myself, but I can't leave me."  That must be hell... .

[JerryRG]

Hey drained1996

Great post, in our modern society the thought of true evil has been pushed into the realm of psychology and pharmacology with the hope it can be controlled and contained.

This is my belief simply because I have had plenty experience with good and evil and evil is real, all anyone need do is look at our world today and if we don't see evil then we are simply not looking.

I am a Christian and maybe that biases me but this is simply my choice.

I spent a lot of years dealing with Psychiatrist and all I got was prescribed different meds for anxiety and panic attacks and depression all due to foo issues.

It wasn't until I got into AA and Alanon and began relying on a higher power that my life took a real turn for improvement. What I'm saying is spiritually is real, and I have found it, experienced it, seen it heal others and myself.

If I truly believe in good, then I must also believe in evil, my exgf has displayed behaviours to me that are simply unbelievable unless, like you and many others have experienced first hand, you know these things really did happen.

Take what you will from my post, but don't be fooled into thinking we have all the answers, my exgf wanted me to kill myself along with her, suicide is murder of self, just as evil and vile as murdering anyone.

I'm trying to offend anyone, simply my personal experience.

[drained1996]

Jerry, I truly believe I stared the devil in the eye... .it wasn't my pwBPD as her heart is as good as it can be... .it was the illness itself.  The illness's devilish features are controlling, manipulative, seductive, and just down right evil.  It was my faith in me and my beliefs and values that have allowed me to move forward and also to separate the illness and my exBPD as a person.  She doesn't want to be the illness, but until she finds the strength inside of her, the illness will define her life.  I've radically accepted that and I'm moving on with peace in my heart.