The emotional fall-out from leaving

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It was my decision to leave the relationship yet why does it feel like he left me?

After 2 years or so of mayhem, abuse and destruction interspersed with moments of heaven and promise I finally made the decision to leave. It wasn’t a knee jerk reaction I’d had enough and was feeling emotionally destroyed.

He tried to pull me back in and if he’d given me straight answers and not played games I’d probably have gone back. Only he decided to play games, started seeing other women immediately, but refused to be upfront and honest. He continued the push/pull and I couldn’t take any more of it.

What I didn’t expect was the incredible emotional fall-out from all of this. Detaching feels so painful that sometimes I think I’d be better off in the relationship.

Why, when it was me who ended it, me who made the decision to start valuing herself, does it hurt so much and why does it feel as if he was the one to leave me?

I was thinking that if I could own my decision then maybe this won’t hurt quite so much.

[Larmoyant]

It was my decision to leave the relationship yet why does it feel like he left me?

After 2 years or so of mayhem, abuse and destruction interspersed with moments of heaven and promise I finally made the decision to leave. It wasn’t a knee jerk reaction I’d had enough and was feeling emotionally destroyed.

He tried to pull me back in and if he’d given me straight answers and not played games I’d probably have gone back. Only he decided to play games, started seeing other women immediately, but refused to be upfront and honest. He continued the push/pull and I couldn’t take any more of it.

What I didn’t expect was the incredible emotional fall-out from all of this. Detaching feels so painful that sometimes I think I’d be better off in the relationship.

Why, when it was me who ended it, me who made the decision to start valuing herself, does it hurt so much and why does it feel as if he was the one to leave me?

I was thinking that if I could own my decision then maybe this won’t hurt quite so much.

[patientandclear]

I really relate to this. I have a hard time tracking which pieces of my separation from my ex were his choice and which were mine. In part because, even when it seemed like his choice, he would later make it sound like I "pushed him away."

Much of our long term separation has been due to boundaries established by me, though, and I put those boundaries in place because some of his behavior was very painful to me. I assumed that if I protected myself from the painful behavior, I would hurt less. That did not prove to be the case, at least not in a linear way. For a long time the loss hurt more than the ongoing humiliation and distortion of my love by his rejection and quasi-infidelity hurt. Ultimately it was a hurt that could heal more cleanly, but there's no doubt that addiction to his regularly administered doses of valuing me highly played a big role in the pain of the loss.

I totally get the feeling that the pain of remaining in the r/ship would not have been as bad as the pain of leaving it or losing it. I think it's maybe just a different kind of pain, one that can heal more constructively and that is made up of healthy components rather than ongoing dysfunction. But it is hard and does feel unfair that healthy choices result in a greater momentary and even medium-term pain.

[JustDontKn0w]

I can tell you that I am in the exact same boat right now.  I was the one who ended it and today I feel powerless to it like she ended it.  I was the one who finally had enough of the chaos, the drama, the raging, the weird behaviors, and so on and so on.  I could have held on to her and today it is ripping me up.  Something about having the option to get her back at anytime worked for me.  I broke up with her so many times, yet recycled, over and over again.  I finally reached a point a little over 60 days ago where I was just done and knew I had to move forward without her, so I did.  In the time my life has been really peaceful, full of fun, lots of friends, time with my kids & family, even a promotion at work, yet here I sit just wishing I had done something different when I had the chance.  What is that something different?  Well 63 days ago that was to stop the cycle with her and move on with my life, so I did.  Today for some reason I "think" it would be better if she were still here.  In reality it would be the same, chaos, drama, fighting, and so on.  I don't have the answer to why it feels like they left when we were the ones who ended it.  May be it is because they have stopped chasing us?  A big part of me thinks that is what is happening with me.  I liked the fact she couldn't leave.  There was security in that even though it was so dysfunctional.  I read something that I try to hold on to right now which is "I was trying to have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional person".  No matter what I do, wish, hope, cry for, she is dysfunctional.  May be this helps?  It helps me just typing it.  I do miss her, but I can't tell you what I miss exactly.  May be my life is just too peaceful now.  I got exactly what I wanted, and I am guessing you did too, yet here we are.

[Larmoyant]

I really relate to this. I have a hard time tracking which pieces of my separation from my ex were his choice and which were mine.

.

I also have a hard time tracking what was his choice and what was mine. I left, he pursued me, I back tracked a little and was open to discussion, all the while he was pursuing other women, but refused to be straight with me, we’d try to arrange a time to talk, but he would sabotage it and this ultimately was the end of it. It felt like more push/pull and I couldn’t take anymore so the ‘talk’ never happened. He later wrote to me saying and this is verbatim,  “I kept saying I wanted to talk but you didn’t then you finished with me for not talking” (!).  My head is still spinning!

.I assumed that if I protected myself from the painful behavior, I would hurt less.

.

Yes, I also assumed that I would hurt much less now, yet that’s not the case. There are days it feels agonising. Reflecting back being in the relationship was also agonising, but it was interspersed with wonderful moments. Now, it's just pain with no salvaging moments. No moments of relief and it does feel incredibly unfair. I'm waiting for the moment when I feel relieved. Relieved that I left someone who was hurting me so much.

. I totally get the feeling that the pain of remaining in the r/ship would not have been as bad as the pain of leaving it or losing it. I think it's maybe just a different kind of pain, one that can heal more constructively and that is made up of healthy components rather than ongoing dysfunction. But it is hard and does feel unfair that healthy choices result in a greater momentary and even medium-term pain.

I’m going to cling to this because this cannot last forever. Can it?

[gotbushels]

It was my decision to leave the relationship yet why does it feel like he left me?

I won't go into details, but I felt like this too from time to time.

Now, it's just pain with no salvaging moments. No moments of relief and it does feel incredibly unfair. I'm waiting for the moment when I feel relieved. Relieved that I left someone who was hurting me so much.

I'll share this one super simple thing with you Larmoyant.

It sounds simple. Because it is. I discovered that when I think of one horrific dysregulation--BAM--instant relief. Use it when you're meditating, being mindful on your own, anything.

I like to use the one where I was so tired and she left all the lights on and slapped me to keep me awake. Even typing that I can feel relief.

[GoingBack2OC]

I'll share this one super simple thing with you Larmoyant.

It sounds simple. Because it is. I discovered that when I think of one horrific dysregulation--BAM--instant relief. Use it when you're meditating, being mindful on your own, anything.

I like to use the one where I was so tired and she left all the lights on and slapped me to keep me awake. Even typing that I can feel relief.

I'll say this. I have only been dumped once, yet been heartbroken 3 times. My first girlfriend, to somewhat echo what  gotbushels said, I finally realized she was not my future. I was still heartbroken. I broke it off, in the kindest way i could... .it's never kind, and I know it hurt her. But I said only nice things, and that, simply I fell out of love.

And falling out of love hurt me too. I missed her a lot.

But it wasnt right. One day-- I realized:  She is not going to be the mother of my children. Ever. I did not see her that way. She was not that person. And I do want kids, and a family.

So I think having that BAM moment so to speak, accepting that what's wrong cant be fixed (some things can be fixed, through communication, honesty, etc), but some things cant. And if you know it will never ever be right. You need to find that BAM element. S/he is not "this" which is something you need.

Once I realized that... .I was able to let go. And I moved on.

[Zinnia21]

Hello:)

I'm totally relating to all of this. Let's face it though- either they left, or they pushed us so far over the edge that we were forced to leave. If you were the one to call it, well don't punish yourself, because you are pushed to that position. Why else would you leave someone you love? You may not even intend it to be permanent at that moment, all you know is you need to protect yourself, and that everything they are saying is not making sense and is representing you in a bad light, a 'wrong' light. In that moment you had a need to stand up and say "No! That's not right, that's wrong! And quite horrible.".

At that moment when you've had enough and you've called it yourself, I believe they are true lightbulb moments. Remember that clarity that suddenly rushes through your body and mind? Sometimes it's like a puppeteer is pulling your strings and you barely have a choice. That puppeteer is your self love. Thank god you had some left in that moment to stand up and speak out.

Yet, yes, here we sit, including me, in a sad fog. I'm of the other variety, the one who nearly called it, but had to see it through and got walked out on (4 times!) though I did mix it up this time with a bit of a 'leave my house right now' and shutting door in his face vibe. Since then I'm in self imposed NC.

The fall out from leaving is probably because you never truly wanted to leave... .you had to. It's still empowering in that moment, because that moment is the truth of you reaching your limits. But the fallout is so hard to endure, because it's your defence mechanism choosing to leave, and not really your heart.
Personally, my heart sits around looking out the window wondering if he will do a 'drive by'. Or it hears a song in a cafe that makes me have to walk out of the cafe because I miss him so! It hasn't yet caught up to the 'sensible' part of me which knew that if I didn't get some rest from it all right now... .i would fall apart!

Sometimes I think of his terrible road rage to remind myself of the reality! That's of course one of the smaller issues, but somehow it was so awful and unstoppable! When I'm driving I think, God he would've gotten SO angry at that car then. It's so not worth getting angry at. Thank god he's NOT here being angry... !

[Zinnia21]

Remember what we said- someone shouldn't make you work THAT hard for their love...  
I'm Feeling it too though! Every day is hard. I've been told many times it gets better though, I'm holding onto that for now... .

[Larmoyant]

Hi Zinnia21, thank you so much, every single word you just wrote describes it perfectly. I never wanted to leave. I kept holding on, trying and trying, but thank god I did reach that moment of clarity because he was destroying me. But, I’m in the same place as you sitting around looking out of the window hoping he’ll stop by even though he doesn’t know where I live now! I haven’t gone completely NC and he occasional texts. Less and less now. I can’t completely block him it hurts too much. Can I ask do you feel stronger for going NC? Is it better?

Gotbushels, that is incredibly helpful too, thank you. My reality check: My beloved little dog was very ill and I was struggling to pay exorbitant vet bills. He offered to help, said he’d pay directly to the vet after her operation. I phoned him saying I was going to pick her up, but he’d need to pay as they wouldn’t let her come home. He said he’d call them only he didn’t. They tried ringing him but he didn’t answer. They tried several times. I was in tears. They took pity on me and let me take her home. He later made ridiculous excuses. A few days later she deteriorated and I took her back to the vet. I phoned him in tears, told him where I was going. When I got there they advised I say goodbye. I rang him when they took her to put in the catheter. He didn’t pick up. He knew the situation and didn’t pick up. There are no words to explain my heartbreak. None. This is my memory. My reminder. Oh seriously, God, never let me go back.

[joeramabeme]

Larmoyant, great post!  I too have had the same questions and lament.

What I have come to believe is that she emotionally orchestrated a contradiction that could not be resolved; a stranglehold on the progress of the marriage while demanding that things (me) change. 

Even when I changed, it was not sufficient or the right kind or new things were brought up.  It was my fault if she wasn't getting what she needed - but she didn't know what that was - and so therefore the marriage wasn't working and she wasn't happy. 

Who ended it?  Her or me?  Others I have asked have seen it as both of us and I have begun to understand that this is the likely scenario. 

Her behaviors certainly stemmed from fear of abandonment and in an ironic way (ironic given that I am talking about someone elses BPD traits), I am guilty of the same fear of abandonment but rather than perpetrating my fears as her responsibility; I sustained my reality of those fears by trying to respond to hers - even as I knew most of them were without basis.  And even more ironic; had I not had this fear myself - it is unlikely that I would have stayed with the marriage as I would not have likely accepted the way she was treating me.

This question is a merry go round.  Did your fears cause my fears or did my fears cause your fears.  So who ended the marriage?  LOL - the one who was more fearful. 

Via analogy the question sounds like; two angry people are fighting to death - which one caused it to start?  Probably both as they both were angry and could not have been in the situation without the prerequisite anger.

Year 9 of the 11 year marriage, I emotionally divorced for about 1-year before deciding that it was not the right thing to do and decided that whatever was going to be would be - until the end.  By the time I rejoined and reengaged she had already made up her mind that it wouldn't work.  It only took an incident to snap the trap shut. 

She claims it was my emotionally abandoning her that did it to us; I think of that comment as an "emotional cover story"; contrived, subconsciously, to keep from looking at her deeper stuff and her own actions.

So who left?  In my case, I suspect neither of us were ever fully committed due to the fears and so like the angry fighter analogy - it really was both of us and sadly for reasons that neither of us really had much control over when we met.

Hope this is somewhat helpful . . .

JRB

[Zinnia21]

Larmoyant, that sounds awful about your dog! It's the classic obscure sort of BPD punishment in a way. The 'idea' that they will be there for you but in reality, when it comes to the crunch, they never really are. Generalisation I know... .but my ex was this way, even though he portrayed himself as a 'caring type'. He portrayed that image so much so, that even when he didn't deliver on his promises, somehow I'd think hhmmmm I wonder where he was when I needed him... ? Somehow I still believed in his caring 'image' and made excuses for him...

I feel he had mixed feelings about helping me, as he would get all these TWISTED ideas in his head about the ways in which I had 'let him down'. They were so ridiculous though. Like when I was fixing up my house that my previous ex was making us sell, I had my 3 yr old son to look after, no money, no job and was doing it alone. I was going through a horrible mediation settlement and my last ex was bullying me and making life tough. Where was my BPD partner? At home with a flu, so,it's fine he didn't help, but months later he kept getting angry I hadn't been there for him when he had his flu! He said "I was so sick, I had to get to the shops for food by my self... .Blah blah."

And so next time I needed help, he would deny me, because in his head I was doing him wrong and wasn't 'there for him'. Unfortunately they paint a picture in their mind, of THEM always being a victim. I tried so hard, did so many nice things for him, but the nice things were not noted. I noticed that when I needed to lean on him in some way, he'd rebel against the pressure of that and somehow do his disappearing act. And the few little favours he did do, he made out were the work of a saint!

It's a good thing to think about To keep you going. You deserve someone who is there for you. There's no excuses for being treated like this. It's still hard to let go of course, as you can't help still loving and caring. but imagine our damaged hearts after more years of emotional neglect and punishment.

I feel NC does protect me in many ways. To break the 'waiting game' that silent treatment creates is a big bonus. No waiting, just rebuilding my life slowly. Perhaps if he's tried to contact me HE will finally know how ST feels. And if he hasn't, well I'm not exposed to the ST anymore, which is really the strangle hold kiss of death on my life! I recommend it for that aspect alone.

[naguma]

Holy hell can they flip it.
I kicked my ex out. Somehow after about a month she was the one in control again.
Don't ask how, it's not important. It really isn't important to figure out how. What is important is to figure out yourself and to move on.

(from someone who has yet figured out how to fully move on )

[gotbushels]

Yes, I agree with  Zinnia21 about your incident with the dog Larmoyant. It felt like classic obscure punishment. I feel for you and I'm sorry about what happened. Thank you for sharing it. I've kept animals almost all my life so I can relate. My ex killed some of my animals (not a cat, dog, or bugs), and I was quite heavily isolated by that stage, so grieving alone was very difficult for me. I still don't know the truth about them. I won't go into details on the board--but I'm right there with you.

I do agree with the bizarre mix when it comes to caring. At some times the person will be extremely caring, then at others, caring is seemingly completely absent. I too made excuses about the caring 'image' and when I confronted my own thoughts on this (I was avoiding it), this confrontation then contributed to my thoughts about breaking up with her.

Larmoyant I think something that might help with feeling stronger from going NC is think about other people or things that you love. Then remember the time lost with those people because you were preoccupied with the pwBPD. I think of my closest friends and things that I enjoy on my own, like a massage or a run without coming home to a pwBPD--or a text from a pwBPD. Of course--if you have children in your life (they needn't be your own)--this becomes even easier.

[lovenature]

Hi L

Very sorry to hear about your beloved little friend, I have 2 dogs and they are my best friends so I can empathize.

I know how truly painful it is that a pwBPD can say and do things that are completely inappropriate for the situation, and the exact opposite of the loving person they claim to be.
Remember to always go by actions and not words; ALL of the actions. Also keep in mind that they are typically only 3 years old emotionally; all about themselves and not capable of showing their partner the empathy and compassion expected in a loving, mature relationship.

Hang in there, one day at a time.