Hi mooncounter,
I commend you for your strength to break away from a 15 year marriage. That is no easy feat, and you are doing all the right things for yourself, like taking time out for self care and seeing a therapist. Losing such an important relationship is so painful, it makes perfect sense that you want to reach out to your ex.
So many of us here felt hope for the relationship, including me, but unfortunately for many of us, that hope was usually dashed with repeated recycling of the relationship and repeated dysfunctional patterns of relating. That's not to say that such relationships can't work. With lots of therapy and effort and tools, they can improve.
Forty days isn't very long when you consider how long you've been together. You sound really stable for that amount of time apart. I assume you are NC with your ex at the moment. What thoughts and feelings come up for you right before you feel that urge to reach out? We often want to reach out to soothe an uncomfortable feeling.
You've come to the right place for support. Our members understand what you are going through, and will share their wisdom and experiences with you.
Keep writing, it helps. I look forward to reading more of your posts.
heartandwhole
