40 days after BPD

[mooncounter]

After a 15 year relationship I finally managed to break away from my BPD partner.
I took a month of vacation,  told everyone (except my employer) that I had quit my job and moved away and spent a month in the woods on my gold claim.
Dealing with my ptsd and seeing a therapist and damn I still want every day to pick up the phone to talk with my ex.
I know i can't and shouldn't but my codependant nature still wants to believe that there is some hope for us as a couple in the future.


I need some learned advice from one who has been there... .

[heartandwhole]

Hi mooncounter,



I commend you for your strength to break away from a 15 year marriage. That is no easy feat, and you are doing all the right things for yourself, like taking time out for self care and seeing a therapist. Losing such an important relationship is so painful, it makes perfect sense that you want to reach out to your ex. 

So many of us here felt hope for the relationship, including me, but unfortunately for many of us, that hope was usually dashed with repeated recycling of the relationship and repeated dysfunctional patterns of relating. That's not to say that such relationships can't work. With lots of therapy and effort and tools, they can improve.

Forty days isn't very long when you consider how long you've been together. You sound really stable for that amount of time apart. I assume you are NC with your ex at the moment. What thoughts and feelings come up for you right before you feel that urge to reach out? We often want to reach out to soothe an uncomfortable feeling.

You've come to the right place for support. Our members understand what you are going through, and will share their wisdom and experiences with you.

Keep writing, it helps. I look forward to reading more of your posts.

heartandwhole

[Mutt]

Hi mooncounter,



I'd like to join heartandwhole and welcome you. What happened before you took your vacation? Did you take a break for a month to take personal inventory? Were you trying to sort out staying or leaving?

[mooncounter]

I had looked for an opportunity to leave my BPD partner for years... .did not want to leave with bills, debts stacked up, and waited until she was working after  a 2 year break... .and able to support herself.  the moment finally arrived and I followed a plan that had been in place for months.
I would have felt too guilty to leave her with massive bills.

With that said, I left myself with very little money, slept in my vehicle while working and on holiday lived in the bush in my rickety old motorhome with a leaky roof.
It was terrific. relaxing, swimming, gold panning.   Ate a lot of canned stews from the dollar store... .

I highly recommend the experience.   Unlike some others I had a place to go and a plan.