Help, I'm slipping

[Meili]

I vote for B.

First, it keeps you a bit safer. Secondly, it keeps her a bit safer. It doesn't put any pressure on either of you. If the initial contact goes well, then you can gauge the situation and know when it is a good time to apologize to her for your fault in things.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Method]

I agree with Meili, If you are going to break NC, I'd choose B. It is the safer approach, you aren't putting all your eggs in one basket. If she is up to meeting, great. If not, then you know where she stands, but at least you didn't completely put yourself out there/make yourself vulnerable.

If she agrees to meet, then I would show her how much you've improved little by little, don't just throw up all over her.

If I can be honest, I wouldn't break NC just yet if I were you. Judging from your posts, I don't think your ready or have made enough improvement. You still seem to be too focused on her. You need to focus on yourself more and really work on becoming emotionally strong and self confident.


-Method

[JJacks0]

Thank you both for the advice. I was leaning toward B as well.

Method, I think you're right too - I'm pretty engrossed with her still. I want to make sure that I don't contact her prematurely. But how will I know when I've made enough improvement? Meili had mentioned that it should be at a point when I know I'll be fine no matter what her reaction to me is. Is that what you mean also?

I agree with these concepts, but it's difficult putting them into practice. By that I mean, yes, I definitely do need to become emotionally strong and self confident - but what steps can I actually take to make that happen? It's something that I know I need to do, but I'm not sure how to get there.

[Method]

I agree, it is very difficult to get the ball rolling.

Find things to do that you genuinely like to do. Things that, while you are doing them, you don't think about anything else than what you are doing. For me it has been coaching youth sports and the gym. Hanging out with friends has also helped me. But I also have other things I want to get back to that I pushed to the side/sacrificed for my family, and her.

It starts with you making a decision. Do you want to sulk, be a victim, weak etc. Remember she see's you as this, and If you ever want to even have a chance, that has to change. Now, that is a dangerous statement I just made, because if you do it for that slight chance, do it for her, it wont last. The minute that slight chance is gone, so will all of the work you have done. You have to find a way to muster up the energy, commitment to do it for yourself.

It is a win win for you. If you do it, then maybe you get back together and if you don't get back together, then you'll be better equipped for life and for any future r/s.

-Method

[JJacks0]

That's true.
 I certainly don't won't to come off weak and desperate. One of the last things my ex told me (hours before discarding me) was that the only thing she could think of that she really didn't like was that I'm not confident enough... .but that she wanted to help me with that. It surprised me, I hadn't ever really heard her say that before.

Sometimes I worry that if she thinks I'm totally moving on, she'll just see that as more reason to move on herself. We have no real contact but I'm willing to bet she still sees my social media occasionally.

Well so far I'm enrolled in full time classes again, working, seeing friends/family,  trying new activities, writing/reading these boards, and I'm trying to make an appointment to see my therapist at school again next week.

Do you think I'll just know when I'm ready?

[Meili]

You'll know that you're ready when you know that you'll be completely ok no matter the outcome.