Abuse vs BPD vs narcissism?

[Thread]

How does one decipher the difference between if they are BPD only, BPD narcissist, narcissistic only, or just abusive?

One therapist diagnosed husband BPD

One Narcissitoc

All agree he is emotionally and other types of abusive.

I'm decided on going. I just am still on the stage of trying to make sense of it all. I know. I know o need to stop and just focus on cleaning up my own yard.

[fromheeltoheal]

I just am still on the stage of trying to make sense of it all. I know. I know o need to stop and just focus on cleaning up my own yard.

And sometimes leaves from other yards blow into ours and we get to clean them up too, yes?

There's narcissistic personality disorder, and then it's common for borderlines to overcompensate for BPD by becoming narcissistic on top of if, acting superior because feeling inferior, and then there are folks with comorbid disorders, two or more disorders occurring together, and then everyone's different, and then... .

The clinical side can be beneficial, learning why borderlines do what they do helped me a lot in that it made the confusion go away at least, but in the end we're not mental health professionals and we're too close to the situation anyway, and it's the behaviors and how they affect us that matter, really that's all that matters, regardless of the clinical label.

So what behaviors specifically are you working on figuring out Hanging, as you clean up your own yard?

[bus boy]

Some people say abuse is abuse, no matter how you slice it. Maybe it our own interpation of it. My father could be rough around the edges was he abusive probably to a point. He grew up in the 50's & 60's on the farm. No power, no running water, instead of going to school he went to the woods with a power saw to cut pulp and haul it out of the woods with horses. They had more dinner times than dinners as the saying goes. They had a roughness about them selves. We come from a totally different era, much more awareness. The old timers would go on a 2 week bender, the wife stuck by there side. Was that abuse? Was the wife right or wrong to stay. My friend never laid a finger on his wife, they got in a big row and she was off to transition house claiming abuse. But I do know this the emotional abuse of the NPD/BPD person cuts right to the core, there is no grey area it it's very deep, calculating, meant to hurt and dehumanize, break down your core belief system. My T believes that there are different levels of emotional abuse and NPD/BPD is at the top of the sinister list.

My ex is soft spoken and gentle but if she gets a whif of disrespect or if you look at her the wrong way, answer her the wrong way, if she get some kind of an imagined hurt by someone, in her mind, look out for the wrath of revelations to reign down on you.

[Icanteven]

How does one decipher the difference between if they are BPD only, BPD narcissist, narcissistic only, or just abusive?

One doesn't.  And it doesn't matter.  He's abusive.  He's personality disordered. You can literally make yourself sick trying to make sense of the cause, but does it matter beyond the effect? 

[bus boy]

HI Icanteven, so true about literally making your self sick. I do believe now that I am an empath. I absorbed her toxic poison, I was sick all the time, my joints were always sore, knees, back, neck. My mind was going steady. I ended up in the hospital very sick, almost dying sick. The NPD/BPD are very toxic dangerous people. The more sheep faced they are the more toxic and dangerous they are. Today I am a changed person. My T says I'm not the same broken man that walked into her office several years ago. People say I glow and I'm rarely sick and can't remember the last time I had sore joints.

[michel71]

How does one decipher the difference between if they are BPD only, BPD narcissist, narcissistic only, or just abusive?

[color=#846f17]One doesn't.  And it doesn't matter.  He's abusive.  He's personality disordered. You can literally make yourself sick trying to make sense of the cause, but does it matter beyond the effect? 

[/color][/color]

Exactly. Leave it to the professionals for the exact accurate diagnosis. All I know is that my wife has traits of BPD/NPD ( she is undiagnosed). But what she is without a doubt is DISORDERED and ABUSIVE.

[Mutt]

Hi Hanging,

Good discussion! I recall around 3 months before my ex finally left, the devaluation phase, she was burning the marriage to the ground, she said that she called a mental health facility and they had said that she was in an abusive relationship, then said that I was abusive. It was then that I had thought, am I in an abusive r/s? we were together for 7 1/2 years, and I had thought maybe I am absuive. I was heavily enmeshed on the r/s, I had no knowledge of BPD and no idea what was going on, I thought that I was losing my mind. I thought that I was going through something unique, by myself and nobody else understand. I was a mess at the end our marriage. That said, abuse crossed my mind but what I wanted to know was the truth, why does my wife act the way that she does and I wanted to understand what it was that I went through for nearly 8 years, to look at it from a different perspective one with BPD psychopathology and things started to make sense. I wasn't abusive, I wasn't going crazy I was enmeshed with a partner with BPD traits.

[hurting300]

How does one decipher the difference between if they are BPD only, BPD narcissist, narcissistic only, or just abusive?

One doesn't.  And it doesn't matter.  He's abusive.  He's personality disordered. You can literally make yourself sick trying to make sense of the cause, but does it matter beyond the effect? 

THIS. Why does it matter at the end of the day? This is where us putting labels on them is useless and a waste of time. He was abusive. Does it matter what disorder he has? It's simply abuse. I overthink things and wanted that label for her so bad! It validates me. But honestly my ex was passive aggressive and lied a lot. It don't matter what she is.

[Reforming]

Hi Hanging

Quite understandably a lot of members have valid questions about their partners condition. Getting an accurate diagnosis can be a big step in helping us make sense of what we've experienced.
 
As Fromheeltoheel already explained comorbidity, the occurrence of two or more personality disorders is very common.

It's quite possible that your ex could be borderline with narcissistic traits. Some therapists describe borderlines as failed narcissists and believe that borderlines often become more narcissistic during the early stages of treatment.

Does an accurate diagnosis really matter?

Yes I think it does

The more accurate the diagnosis the better the chance of effective treatment for the sufferer. And the most effective treatment for a borderline is not necessarily the most effective for a narcissist (some therapists believe narcissism is even harder to treat).

For those of us recovering from a relationship with someone who is either NPD or BPD understanding the different disorders can be a big help in making sense of what happened. Over time it can help us depersonalise the experience and detach.

But and it's a big but, a diagnosis is not a magic bullet. Sufferers won't recover unless they get treatment and do the work. Exes can get stuck if they focus obsessively on their exes BPD / NPD condition.

Recovery takes work for everybody

Reforming

[Thread]

Reforming

You summed that up well. I'm still with him. Making plans to leave. It will take some time. But I'm realizing that yes while in treatment I am seeing narcissism come out more. DBT semi worked while he was in therapy, once he was done, didn't take long for it to go back to the chaos. "BPD a failed narcissist," That's a funny but an accurate description. I'm going though the grieving process. Glad to be out of the denial stage. Glad it only took 5 years, not more to do so.

Thank you for your input.