Just joining--introducing myself

[calledandchosen]

Hi, I'm calledandchosen, glad to be here and still recovering from a four year-marriage to a man with BPD.  It's been two years since my BPD ex-husband and I split up, and I feel so blessed for many reasons including:

a. I am still alive
b. My children and I no longer live in fear, insecurity, and emotional chaos
c. We divorced and I received full custody of our son together and he has no visitation rights unless I agree to it (and it hasn't happened yet)
d. I paid off our collection debts and I am now finally debt free again, and with some savings!
e. I found the LORD (my very very favorite part of the whole time capsule, the part that made all of it truly the best blessing ever).  It happened when my heart hit the floor and I decided to make my God the real God, and not a man, for a change
f. Due to my emotional fatigue and desire to work on myself, I have remained single for two whole years and have come to know myself quite well
g. I got out of the marriage soon enough that my son never really attached to him and didn't/doesn't have to grieve him directly (although he does wish he had a daddy)
h. I lost most of my ego within the relationship, because BPD partners have no tolerance for games, at least not being played on them

So, with all of these blessings, I do however still find myself working through the detachment phases, which is why I am here.  Yes... .still detachingl!  Ugh!  My ex contacted me less than two weeks ago, missing my body, and after all of the physical threats he's made in the past, the two years distance, and the new sense of peace my new life has brought me, I actually considered being with him again for a few hours.  (This is frightening!)  I have finally learned to enjoy my life as a single mother, and to have pleasures and passions again--something that has taken time and distance to re-acquire.  I have tried dating other men, good men, but haven't met anyone that made me want more yet, so I've kept things on the friends level. 

I am curious to know if any of you experienced such a long solo period as I have, if any of you have continued to feel easily persuaded by your ex as I have, and what it finally took to be able to really break the spell.   
 
Thank you, and God bless you all 

[Thread]

Yes. Only for a year. I took him back. Please don't go back it only worsens.

[heartandwhole]

Hi calledandchosen,



I'm so glad that you decided to post. I'm sorry to hear about your split from your husband. That must have been so difficult after 4 years together. I commend you for taking such good care of yourself and your children—embarking on a new chapter in your life was a brave step to take.

I really understand your moments of considering going back to your husband, especially when you feel peaceful and happy in your new life. I can relate, and so can many of our members. I think many of us, when we start to feel better, have the idea that we can better handle the issues that wrecked us before. I mean, we've learned a lot since then, right? Some of us might have done fine, but in my experience, the first time we realize that we are feeling better is not the time to go back in; I recommend more time and more recovery before attempting (if at all) anything of the sort.  

I have been single since my breakup, too (4 years), and I feel great. I don't feel any pull whatsoever to pwBPD, however. I think that's because we live in different countries, are not in contact, and weren't together very long. Your situation is different, and I think your feelings are very understandable, especially when you have to have contact because of your son.

Have you had any therapy since your breakup, calledandchosen? I found that it helped me tremendously.

Keep writing and let us know how we can support you. As you may have noticed, this site has tons of tools and resources that can help you in the detachment process.

We're glad you're here!  

heartandwhole