Baby due, boundaries NEEDED

[Jords]

I'm reaching out for help because I am reaching a stage of desperation that I have never known. I don't think I could even begin to delve into the "full story" of my situation as when I reflect this has been going on since I became a teen.

Recently, after research, I have come to the conclusion that my mother has BPD. Some quick background, she was unable to conceive and went through several attempts at IVF, 11 years resulting in me, another 4 resulting in my younger twin siblings. I have been reminded my whole life of my "importance" to my mothers happiness, by her, my father, my granny and Granda (my mothers aunt and uncle, my mothers mum died when I was 1). I have always felt an immense pressure to ensure her feelings are protected, and that her happiness was paramount. The more I'm reading about BPD the more I'm recognising the amount of emotional blackmail that was used on me from a very your age by my mother. I won't go into single occurrences or situations but after a lot of reading I am almost 100% that BPD is what my mother has, everything indicates it.

Last year I met my current partner, he is a perfectly nice, respectful person. He's got a full time job, studies law part time, he's treated me with utter respect, never been horrible to me in front of my mum (yet my mother has quite literally shown the full extent of her BPD in front of him, which is odd for her, historically she has always managed to disguise it in front of those I am closest to). She decided she disliked him before she met him, claiming that she had heard about people in his line of work in the particular business we both work in being unfaithful and cheaters and interested in only one thing. I recall her going on and on and on about this in the very early weeks of me seeing my partner, in some sort of desperate attempt to jilt it. My partner spoiled me very early on (this evoked a lot of rage fits from my mum), he took me to concerts, did extremely thoughtful things, was quite keen on gestures, never anything too extreme but things got quite serious quite fast. The more my mum saw that I was taken by him, the worse she became. My sisters partner (who she had typically disliked for the previous year) became her absolute favourite, she favoured him massively, made a real obvious difference in my partners presence etc. My mum basically made me and my boyfriends relationship very difficult, I'm an adult and she stopped me from going on a weekend away with him after being together a couple of months, deeming it inappropriate and threatening all sorts if I went. I didn't go. I have always just agreed and conformed for a happy life.

Fast forward a couple of months, I fell pregnant. It wasn't intentional, but I was thrilled. I showed shock yes, but never once did I portray unhappiness. When she quizzed me on it, she actually began accusing my partner of getting my
Pregnant on purpose to trap me. Things got VERY heated. She insisted we met with his mum, a coffee date which resulted in my mum sitting across the table using phrases like "I can't believe this has happened" "I can't cope with this" "what will I do", I could see my partners mother looking completely bewildered, she thought we were there to try and begin a relationship between the families, instead my mum was using it as a pity party for herself, I was so embarrassed. I think it's the sheer extremity of this situation in my mums head but any form of secretiveness she used to have it gone. She's happy to expose her emotional blackmailing, her extreme mood swings.

I'm now 9 months pregnant, waiting on our baby any day now. The last 9 months have been a roller coaster. At 5 months me and my OH moved in together and it's been hell since. Fits of rage taken out on me because she doesn't like my partner. "You've picked him, do whatever you want" has been used several times. Emotional blackmail if I don't answer the phone / spend enough time on it. Constant questions about my plans for parenting. A lot of "well you'll need me" talk, alot of open assumptions that she will be minding our child full time when I go back to work (not a chance). She is furious that she won't be coming into the labour room, says that everyone (not sure who) is disgusted I won't let her in. My partner literally cannot sneeze without her pulling me aside and telling me what he's doing wrong. She accuses him constantly of being stubborn, she says she thinks he hates her, he doesn't hate her, but she has been nothing but a monster to him from the word go, he's fed up of being nice to appease her, he's not used to this sort of person and therefore cannot comprehend why we tiptoe around her. She made every scan I allowed her to come to an absolute nightmare, I can see very clearly why he is fed up.

I guess I'm writing this because I NEED ADVICE. My partner is getting more and more pushed away, I haven't been very strong, I'm very quick to forgive my mum and allow her to be forgiven and forget her actions always without and apology. He says he can't stand back and allow his son to be exposed to such a toxic situation when he's born, and I understand that. I need to try one last big effort to make a statement to my mother, that if she doesn't back off, accept my partner, and allow me to parent my own child she won't be involved.

Further to this, I can't handle being bullied by her anymore, I'm exhausted, I've been in states during my pregnancy that I think a midwife or doctor would shudder to imagine was the case. My mum has just constantly used me as an emotional punch bag and I'm tired of just forgiving her.

ANY advice is welcome! There is so much more to this but I'm running out of characters and I don't want to make this post so long that no one would reply.

Thank you

[Bright Day Mom]

I am sorry you are here under these circumstances... .this should be one of the best memory building times between you and your partner.

You are right... .you need to set boundaries. There is a whole lesson on the thought process and examples in doing so; it does take lots of practice, but it also takes a strong backbone to follow-thru.

Provide the assurance to your partner that you are working hard on educating yourself and him on Mums disorder and that he and your son (Congratulations) are priority.

Do your best in these next few days to rest, relax and perhaps treat yourself to a message.  It is time for you to take care of yourself so you can be strong for your baby.

Best Wishes

[Fie]

Hello Jords 

Congratulations with the soon to be  born baby !

How wonderful that you are reaching out to this community, well done ! I am sure you will find a lot of support here. All of the members have been through similar childhoods and know what you are talking about. You are not alone !

I'm happy for you that you have such a good partner. In any case and certainly with your new baby I think yourself and your new family should be your primary focus. For me this would definitely mean  moving out. This is not a time to constantly live with the stress of a BPD family member. Having  a newborn child puts us through enough stress as it is. Do you have  the financial means to move out ?

After this biggest 'damage control', you could start to work on setting boundaries. That's quite difficult but this site will provide you with a lot of info on how to do that, step by step.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Jords   

Congrats on the baby.  I can't imagine the stress you must be feeling right now.  Becoming a new mom is a lot of stress, even without the issues with your mom.  Dealing with your mom really puts it over the top.

I thought I'd offer some tools to read up on, with links below.  Your baby and your partner are a priority right now.  You can't change your mother, only the way you interact and react.  It can take some practice to get some comfort with some of the tools.  Just take it a step at a time.

The BIFF RESPONSE is something that might be helpful.  BIFF stand for Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. The acronym BIFF was coined by lawyer Bill Eddy to use with high conflict people.  I recently purchased one of his BIFF books.  You can find it on Amazon.  The link above will give you details of the technique.

It helps to read about Fear, Obligation and Guild and work on getting rid of the FOG. The FOG DISCUSSION THREAD can, also, be beneficial for you right now.

BOUNDARIES will become important to you and the link to your left should give you some helpful information.  You might, also, find the quoted information below helpful

1. Check your personal engine light.
Think about how you feel when you’re around someone who drains you and upsets you, someone with whom you feel you lose yourself. How does this feel in your body? How does it feel in your mind? How does the presence of this person affect you?

Now look at this list of feelings and sensations you’ve made, and imagine that your body is like a car, with a dashboard full of warning lights.  You’ve just identified what I like to call the “check engine light” for your personal boundary system. It’s a security system warning that your personal energy field has been breached, and you’re letting in stuff that isn’t yours.

This is really important. When our boundaries are weak, unguarded, or unclear, we let in all sorts of stuff that isn’t actually our stuff, and we give away our own personal energy unconsciously.

That means you’re dealing with a breach of your energetic security system and a leak of your own personal energy. You’re looking at warning signs indicating that some work needs to be done, some boundaries need to be shored up, and you need to return to center.

2. Ground yourself as preparation for maintaining boundaries.
Grounding is akin to the way a tree sinks her roots to stay secure in a storm. It’s the first tool in creating healthy boundaries—nurturing a connection with ourselves, our centers.

Our root system is both our anchor and our boundary system. It keeps us from being blown about in other people’s winds. It gives us a way to focus and still ourselves to connect with our heart and our intuition. That’s what keeps us steady and connected and focused.

There are as many ways to ground as there are people. I like to take five minutes to actually imagine my root system connecting me into the earth, like a giant oak tree. Here are some other ideas:   Meditation; breathing exercises; saying a prayer, affirmation, or mantra in the shower in the morning; mindfulness; chanting or repeating affirmations in your head as you walk.

Try different ways—you’ll find the one that works for you!

3. Notice the people and places that tend to drain you.
Before entering those places or exposing yourself to those people, take a few minutes to imagine breathing a bubble of protective energy around you. Think of it as a space that will only allow love and positivity inside it, deflecting anything else. Really see it and really feel the force of it around you. Then recognize what you need to do to maintain that space.

These three steps will help you create and maintain healthy boundaries. Building boundaries is like any muscle or practice—the more you work with it, the better it serves you!
Here is the link for the above article:  www.tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-set-healthy-boundaries-3-crucial-first-steps/

[Panda39]

Hi Jords,

I want to join the others and welcome you to the BPD Family and give you a big congratulations on your first baby!

One of the things in your post that jumped out for me was your mom's dislike of your partner.  Her dislike most likely has nothing to do with who your partner is at all in spite of her complaints about him.  One of the major features of BPD is the fear of abandonment.  Your love of your partner and your life together can trigger that fear in someone with BPD.  It is important for you to know that you are not responsible for your mother's feelings.  I suspect no matter what you do she will be unhappy... .so what can you do? Live your life!

Boundaries are key but in terms of the relationship with you, mom, and your partner watch out for triangulation.  I've pulled the following information from the Glossary... .

Karpman Triangle

The Karpman Triangle, described by Stephen Karpman is a very useful tool for understanding "stuck" relationship dynamics. The roles are Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer. We may start in one position, but as another (or others) shift around the triangle, so do we.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Try to remove yourself from this dynamic if you can when your mom puts you in the middle of her and your partner.

Boundaries are really important and your ability to defend them is key pwBPD are very good boundary busters.  Just telling someone with BPD not to do something and expecting them to do it is unlikely.  So once you set your boundary you must stick to it and will probably need to defend that boundary more than once as she will continue to test the boundary.

Think of a little kid in a store that wants candy.  They ask you say no.  They whine you still say no.  They start crying and screaming you say no.  Eventually that child gets the message and eventually so will your mom.  If the child whines and you give them the candy they learn that if they whine or whine long enough you will give in and you have non stop whining. So sticking with it is key.

Do you have something in mind for your first boundary that we can help you with?

Also I wanted to point out the box to the right ---> each item is link to more information, when you have time you might want to check out the "Lessons" section.

Take Care,
Panda39