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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: How to handle the bad days  (Read 347 times)
Oncebitten
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: August 26, 2016, 01:24:00 PM »

I am looking for a little guidance on how to handle the bad days.  Which often come out of nowhere.  Those days when everything that has ever been said or done wrongly must be revisited and relived.  I am not asking how to stop them, or how to prevent them.  I cannot control her thoughts or the things that trigger them.  I am simply asking how should I handle them.  What can I do to help get her through those days and moments?  I feel like I am strong enough to listen, and validate her feelings and concerns.  But is there anything more I can do for her? 
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Lilyroze
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« Reply #1 on: August 26, 2016, 02:15:37 PM »

  OB,

Not sure I can be of any help. Just wanted to let you know you are doing a great job, learning the tools and giving her love.

The Mayo clinic or relationship counseling says if it is an issue from past that needs dealt with then maybe 10 minutes a day till accomplished. I wouldn't do by text or email. I know you aren't but in case any others need help. As you don't have the caring inflection needed with those methods. I would think though once you dealt with those things, and true trust and integrity are there again the issues should be less.

Maybe find fun things you can do, talk about or new hobbies to learn together ( a language, or whatever interests you both) maybe that will help with.

If highly emotional person maybe help her direct it in a creative way.

When she has bad days don't take it personal if you already dealt with that topic. You both need to maintain equilibrium  of emotional vs logical to have balanced mind. Try some mindfulness techniques and see if she is interested in such or yoga perhaps.

I am not sure what issues come up once in awhile, but hopefully it can all be talked out. If continually brought up then A not resolved or B her emotions need redirected which isn't your job but you can help her for now possibly. Or worse C she can't let go and that won't help you both.

Have you looked into your different love languages, and personality types? As sometimes when validating if you don't know those it might seem invalidating to her.

Just keep building the foundation, love and trust. Again you both need new memories to now build on. Keeping others out of the equation, striving for happiness, and making each other a priority. While also keeping the time you need to yourselves, just might do the trick.
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Oncebitten
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 627



« Reply #2 on: August 26, 2016, 02:25:19 PM »

LR,

Thanks for you input as always.  The issues aren't continually brought up, and I know that in any r/s there will be bad days.  It is to be expected, and I know how r/s work.  When our lives are in chaos we will take out the bad on those closest to us, we are all guilty of that.  Its part of being human.  I accept that when things are bad whether I cause them or not I will bear the brunt of it and I am ok with that.  Just wondering what I can do for her.  I love her and I want to be there and help her through the bad days, just as i want her to be there for me when I have mine.
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Lilyroze
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« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2016, 02:37:29 PM »

OB,

That is so very beautiful, truly. If any relationship can work, it will be yours. I see you have so much love and respect for her. She must truly feel treasured and special. The be her one be her only, shines through with you to her.

Yes friendship and being there for each other is really the key in any relationship. Being able to turn to the one you love in a down time is priceless.

 I had that a few times in my life and truly miss that right now. I know what it is like to be hurting and not have some one reach back in a 'call me' or 'I am here'. "Sorry you are hurting". This is not about me, but showing you the true gift you are giving her is beyond measure.

Keep loving on her, make her feel special in her down time, and at same time take care of you. Let her know when you are down so she can be there back. That makes a woman feel special to, as they want to know you will confide and tell them things and not another as well.

Hope some others can come along with more wisdom that will help you.

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Oncebitten
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« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2016, 02:55:50 PM »

LR

I appreciate your faith in me and my r/s it means a lot.  And I know that being loving and consistent are key.  I know that validation works, Just feel like there should be something more that I can do.

 
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Oncebitten
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #5 on: August 28, 2016, 07:52:47 AM »

Bad days are one thing.  NC days are a whole different ballgame.  I am sure I am not the only one but I would really rather have her scream and yell it me instead of disappearing.  I know its the disorder and thats why I am not angry. But when she just disappears and wont talk to me its a special kind of pain that hurts so deeply.  I understand why they push people away.  But for someone who fears abandonment more than anything, its very cruel and ironic that her favorite form of punishment for me is to abandon me. She above all others should know how much it hurts to feel like this.  To simply cut off all communication is tough.  It takes thought to go through the steps to block calls and reject emails.  And yet here I am alone and abandoned, hurt, broken.  And the only person in the world who should care, is nowhere in sight.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2016, 04:55:43 PM »

Being shut out, or being left behind is so painful. It made me feel erased, an extremely painful feeling.

For her, disappearing can be about re-stabilizing and gaining some control over riotous or extremely negative feelings. Her difficult emotions might be projected onto others, including you, because it allows her to externalize those feelings, a way to have the feelings from a safe distance.

Do you see any patterns in what triggers the disappearing? When she reappears, how do you handle the transition back into her life?

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Breathe.
Oncebitten
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Posts: 627



« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2016, 05:21:11 PM »

she does it anytime she is mad at me lately... .any time something triggers her to think of the wrongs i made in the r/s... .could be stress... .her ex... etc
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Tea Fish

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« Reply #8 on: August 31, 2016, 05:55:50 PM »

Hi,
 
I don't know if this will be any help (and you may already do it) but for me, on those bad days, I particularly try to focus on something that brings me personal joy. Like listening to a favourite song really loud with headphones, or a little game on my phone while in the bathroom, or a quick phonecall (or preferably coffee) with my sister, or a TED talk, or running around the garden, or making my way around the living room without touching the floor, or watching a funny YouTube video, or reading/writing a piece of poetry (not about anything BPD related!), or drawing a cartoon, or achieving a little job that's been bugging me or listening to some comedy. I'm trying to collect as many things as possible that I can turn to! I even have a little book, where I write down little things that I discover bring me joy, so I can look at it when I need a little reminder. It will be different things for different people, of course, and it's quite fun trying to find things that work for you.

It's just so easy for their difficulties to dominate and to be sucked into the negativity and draining energy of it all. So often I forget that I can step back from it. I try to remember that although I love this person very much and I'm committed to them and the relationship, I am still my own person too. I don't have to be totally at the mercy of their feelings and behaviour. That, although (let's be frank) I do suffer because of my husband's issues, I also have autonomy and the power to turn away from his pain and towards some joy and happiness of my own. And sometimes that is exactly the best thing to do.

I'm still learning to do this more, as I often forget - such is the nature of the interactions! I know it's just a little thing, but sometimes a little thing just helps enough. And I'm grateful for any help! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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