At first, these words were sweet/interesting/romantic/sympathy-causing to hear. One big reason I stayed was to hear such things said to me. The younger me enjoyed interactions with unpreditable, on-the-edge people so I could explore the facets of humanity... .Looking in hindsight this inclination seems to be truly flawed!
Thinking back, many things she said was so BPD-ish. Ignorant of personality disorders, I thought they were meant to be playfully said and was generally amazed at her quirks and humor. I saw them as evidence that she was smarter and more interesting, which resulted in me not being able to let go for months after the discard (combined with her charming).
I'll write down some of the things she said to see if anyone can relate or throw in some more... .
1."I'm a fairy, you're my last human relationship."
2."I dream of having no male or female body parts. Then I can be invincible."
3."I'm a little piece of a soul inside a bottle. If you like me, put it into your pocket and take me with you."
4."We are not an ordinary couple. We are meant to hurt each other. Don't you ever think of abandoning me!"
5."Pain is pleasure. Just give me pain."
6."You are like coke when you're happy, and Sprite when you're sad."
7."I want people to pity me. I want to be that crying child in the corner, I want to be covered in bandages, it's so beautiful."
8."When I like someone it means that I'm happy when I'm with them. When I love someone it means that I'm not happy with them but I still want to be with them. I like him (the replacement) but I love you."
9."You're a little dog who sometimes bites me. He's like a little cat, he's so gentle, it's like I could never get in a fight with him."
10.":)o you have food to soothe me?"
11."The only reason I live for is revenge. To those who don't like me."
12."Why are you still so sweet to me? I'm not worth it. I'm in a trance. I can't believe it. It's like everything happens so fast."
13."(To something random) I suddenly like it."
14."I never liked sex. You coax me into it every time." (which isn't true; if anything she's almost hypersexual)
15.Her most common dating places: Parks (for photo-taking), shopping malls (for beauty products), amusement parks (for thrill-seeking), hospitals (for her constant health concerns... )
16."I'm playing with the replacement. But in a taking-it-serious kind of way. I don't want to do anything for him actually."
17."I don't mind being sexually harrassed as long as that person looks good."
18."They are all sabotaging me, only you're saving me."
19."I like the You before you met me. Not the You that I hurt and harmed."
20."I'm the biggest person I should say goodbye to."
21."I'm terrified of rain and thunder and crossing a road."
22."I wish you were my Dad. Then we could stay together forever."
23."The only thing I want you to do is to be the happiest you can be. I want to be together with you for always, will you let me?"
24."My body is ugly in every way. Nothing on me looks good."
25."I'm so shy!" she says this sweetly when meeting anyone but family & me
26."I keep your gifts around so I can think of you."
27."I like whoever is with me at the moment. I'm with you now so I like you. When I'm with him I like him."
28."We are so special, we are soulmates from another planet."
29."I get depressed from time to time, and I would eat. Like a robot, with no pleasure, I just cram the food down."
30."Goodbye, the boy of the stars. The boy who was once mine."
31."To tell you the truth even if he (the replacement) was as good to me as you are, I still feel empty and manic-depressive."
32."Maybe I don't actually like him, maybe it's because he ignores me."
33."I mean, he is NEW... .A NEW person says he likes me!"
34."I hope in the end we can still miss each other." (Well we finally did.)
35.She parroted many of the things I said (heartbroken words, understanding of true love, etc.) to the replacement / post on Facebook, sometimes without alteration.
These were only examples of everything she said, the rest faded into memory. I post this thread not to mock her, but to note down everything she said that parallels with BPD symptoms, and to remind myself that she probably does suffer from this and there's no point in another contact to the end of my life.
The first few months were very lonely. I was forced to view our relationship with God's eye, to stand outside of everything to examine her and myself. As I was noting down everything that used to excite/please/amaze me and lining them up with the DSM-5 BPD pathologies, I felt it was a betrayal to her love. I couldn't trust my feelings anymore and this was soul-crushing. Other people hardly made me feel anything, I was an addict who was trapped in a transparent cage unable to relate to anyone but her. The whole city felt empty.
For a long time I felt as if I was standing on the edge of a cliff holding a heavy pile of treasure in my arms. If I don't drop them, they would drag me down and lead to my demise. But how could I ever drop them, it was so good, no one had ever made me feel this way. But in the end I did drop everything. To let go of the bad means to also let go of the good.
Life's warmth returned little by little. Sure, sometimes I'm empty and bored and consumed by a chronic mild depression (just like how BPDs are) but I'm definitely at the happiest, healthiest point of the year.
Does your BPD SO/Ex say similar things? I think there must have been lots of light-bulb moments for everyone.
